back to article Wacky Jacqui spanked by husband

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has admitted getting the taxpayer to pick up the bill for two porn films watched by her husband last June. On Sunday, the Daily Express revealed that amongst the expenses signed off in respect of Jacqui Smith’s (second) constituency home was a bill for £67 in respect of films downloaded from Virgin …


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  1. Juillen

    Oh, the humanity!

    Seriously, it shows that she has a human family (which actually gives me comfort.. I thought she was an alien, with all the general level of empathy she seems to share with the rest of the human race, given her policies)..

    It gave me a huge laugh.... Still snickering away..

    On the scale of cash she deals with, this kinda thing is easy to miss (a triviality in the grand scheme of things).. I'd happily pay the bill myself just to get the laughs..

    It does kinda knock her credibility on all the puritanical legislation she puts out there, and it'll be interesting to see her cross those bridges when she comes to them..

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Happy Husbands and Willing Wives

    This is just the tip of the iceberg, there are far more substantial expenses claimed for:

    Two pay-per-view adult movies - £5 each

    Two pay-per-view screenings of the Hollywood blockbuster Ocean's 13 - £3.75 each

    Pay-per-view screening of the animated cartoon Surf's Up - £3.50

    Habitat stone model sink - £550

    Bath plug - 88p

    Dining room table - £460

    Sofabed - £704

    Antique fireplace - £1,000. Also claimed for coal to burn in it.

    Hotpoint cooker - £399

    Connection fee for installing cooker - £15

    Hotpoint tumble dryer - £189

    Ariston washing machine - £249

    Zanussi washing machine - nearly £300

    Entertainment centre including DVD players, two Samsung widescreen televisions and two digital set-top boxes - more than £1,100

    Total: £4987.88 (est.)

    Not too shabby! Nice little earner on the side. Not forgetting it is excluding the £23,000 per year for her 'second house' in London (that belongs to her sister).

    My favourite quote of the day: Lembit Opik, the Liberal Democrat MP, said that Miss Smith had been "compromised".

  3. David Hicks

    Delicious, delicious irony

    This could only have been better if it was "Extreme".

    I hate that woman.

  4. RW


    Once again, NuLabour and Mrs. Timney demonstrate that they (and those close to them) do not understand the difference between "right" and "wrong".

    I had an attack of the giggles when a "Downing street source" used the phrase "done the right thing" in respect of this fiasco. Downing Street wouldn't recognize the right thing to do if it jumped up and bit them on their asses.

    Why is there no "I'm bored and going to sleep" icon for comments on these endless reports of NuLabour malfeasance? It's gotten so predictable that . . . I'm bored and going to sleep.

    PS: I have a horrible idea that the Conservatives would do no better.

    PPS: But if anyone's willing to make the trade, Canada will be happy to swap its Prime Minister and his too-close-together beady little eyes for Mrs. Timney. I think the CBC could make good use of her in a comedy show.

  5. This post has been deleted by a moderator

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    There is a god

    lordy lordy, halleujah.

  7. Ad Fundum

    @ Mike Richards

    Unfortunately The Telegraph is not being terribly specific - it's just says that those films were showing on one of the nine possible channels on the nights in question. So we haven't yet nailed down the blighter's viewing habits.

    Working logically, I deduce that one of the features must have been scat-related, because shitting all over everyone is obviously a Smith family trait. I guess that the the other must have been a BDSM film - on the basis that she's been trying to thrust a ball-gag in the mouths of anyone who speaks their mind for a long time.

  8. richard

    anonymous coward - please tell me that list is a joke?

    she claimed for all that stuff?

    nah, come on man, please don't let it be true. i can feel the rage boiling already.......please, come on, you've made it up?

  9. Spider

    I don't wish to be misunderstood

    Get out, you amoral money grasping hag.

    Stop the charade about "well, it was in the rules", that's up there with "I was only following orders". Which, on reflection, is apt for someone who has lead the biggest assault on civil liberties on the Islands since Operation Sealion. Does she really think it appropriate to spend our money on those items? Does she hell. It is simply viewed as what's owed to them. That's why they maximise their "allowances" in this manner. Stop patronising us.

    I have not laughed so hard since I heard Gordon Braun state "it was a personal matter".. Did you not know comrade? There are no personal matters anymore. Everything is subject to scrutiny. Your emails, your browsing habits (thats got to be a goldmine for the tabloids in the Timney household). Failure to comply indicates terrorist sympathies, as does criticism of the Junta. You shall finally reap what you have sown.

    Get out the lot of you, take your £550 sinks, your second incomes for partners/mistress' who pretend to work for you, your allowance for a second home 5 mins from your first, your years severance pay for losing an seat in the great gravy train that is parliament and simply FOAD.

    You will be remembered with more vitriol, loathing and disgust than any living politician. Some legacy.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    All true I'm afraid

    Sorry if you thought I was joking - I'm afraid not, the truth is stranger than fiction.


    Jacqui Smith expenses claims total £157,631


    "Documents submitted to the Commons authorities show Ms Smith has claimed £150,304 for the cost of running a second home since 2001, including fully fitting it out.

    The Sunday Express has seen the documents that show Ms Smith has claimed for virtually every major household item over the past five years, right down to the kitchen sink."

    In other news, Virgin Media report a surge in demand for their pay-per-view adult channels following their detailed analysis in the national press, especially the Daily Fail:

  11. Lloyd
    Thumb Up

    It's on Google

    Turn off safe search, google "Raw Meat 3" in images and tell me that isn't gay porn?

    I can't find anything on "By Special Request" though.

    Thumbs up because... well boys will be boys and it would appear that the raw meat boys know what to do with them.

  12. Sceptical Bastard

    Benefit fraud is only fraud if you're poor

    Let me be the first - sorry, 150th - commentard to say I am delighted this fat vile ugly repressive authoritarian bitch-troll has been exposed as a hyprocrite. Nu Lamer's Pornbuster General has seemingly been hoisted by her (husband's) own petard.

    We already knew she was fiddling her expenses - that means stealing OUR money - so the porn angle is just the cherry on the cake.

    What is the difference - morally and practically - between impoverished benefit claimants "doing the doubles" and Smith, McNulty, Conway and the rest fiddling expenses and making dodgey claims to defraud us of public money? None. Except the poor get caught. Why are MPs the only people who can't see the difference?

    I am fed up with these holier-than-thou pompous swine lording it over the rest of us. As I've said before, it's about time we stopped taking it up the arse from these rebartitive scum, stormed the Palace of Westminster, draged a few of them out into Parliament Square and hanged them from the lamp-posts. Pour l'encourager les autres, you understand.

    As to the numerous comments about Smith's hubby needing the dirty films to steel his nerve (fnar fnar) before performing his marital duties, I very much doubt if he's fucked the bloated pig in decades. I mean, would YOU?

    Finally, @MY EYES and the link: ...

    ... that is disgusting! Utterly disgusting! :)

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You cannot make this shit up!

    "The curtains remained drawn today at Miss Smith's constituency home in Redditch, where her husband issued an apology yesterday.

    There was no sign of Mr Timney at the property today and the only notable activity was a visit from a glamour model sent by a tabloid newspaper to offer him a selection of pornography.

    The woman, armed with a wicker basket laden with more than £100-worth of DVDs and magazines, including the latest editions of Razzle and Fiesta, received no reply after pressing a buzzer at the gates of the house.

    Wearing a white sleeveless crop-top adorned with the logo of the Sunday Sport, the model then exercised her chihuahua-terrier cross, which was wearing a miniature hoody, on a grassed area opposite Miss Smith's home."

    Lembit Opik, the Liberal Democrat MP, said "I haven't got any particular issue about what they watch in their own time, I do have an issue about the fact that he has compromised her.''

    I did not need to hear that, it has conjured up a horrible image in my mind.

    David Davis, the former shadow home secretary, added "My first response was under what category would this expense claim be?"

    Absolutely hilarious! It's made my day - couldn't have happened to a nicer woman...

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Pigs in the trough

    "Miss Smith is being investigated because of complaints about her decision to designate her sister's house in south London, where she stays, as her "main" home, allowing her to claim back the costs of running her family house in her Redditch constituency.

    The arrangement allows her to put the cost of running the family home in her constituency of Redditch, Worcestershire, on the public purse, on top of her £141,866-a-year salary.

    Her overall expenses claim, including travel, office and staffing costs, was £157,631.

    That sum included 25 journeys for her husband, Richard Timney, who is employed as her Parliamentary assistant, at a cost to the public purse of £2,531."

  15. Mycho Silver badge

    @That list being a joke

    Can't vouch for the truth of it but claims it was reported in the telegraph.

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: [What]dangle contest

    Isn't "Hoist on own petard" good enough?

    Why invent something new when a perfectly good expression already exists?

    I'm sure you can google an explanation of where the expression originally came from?

  17. Duncan Hothersall

    @ BLoad

    I don't mean to mock the afflicted, but for fuck's sake - Timney IS her husband you cock.

  18. Anonymous Coward


    Let's face it - Brown is never going to sack her two days before the G20 protests. She's got a database to run so the government can keep track of all these nasty people running round expressing opionions.

  19. william henderson
    Thumb Down

    just another abuser of privelidge.

    using expenses as a second income.

    why am i not surprised.

    bunch of crooks too bent to see the fraud.

  20. Chris Hartley
    Thumb Up

    Ha ha ha ha ha....

    ...ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

    Crank the schadenfreude up to 11.

    Couldn't have happened to a more deserving person

  21. dervheid
    Thumb Down

    Surely she can't wriggle out of this one?

    Oh, she has.

  22. Stuart

    158 comments!!!!!, slap my arse with a fish

    Haven't even bothered to read any yet, just had to post the fact that in all my years as a sad pc wako, I've never seen such an outpouring from the sad pc wako populace. I'll take my time and savor the vitriol later; but if this woman was in to S&M I just know there are plenty of people out their ready and willing to give her a good spanking. Bend over Jacqui for the flagellating fish cometh, or would you prefer to tie the hubby down, I’ll only charge him 4 pound a shot (should get that one passed the bean counters).

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Who was Chez Smith on the nights in question?

    Interesting that Mr Timney 'fessed up outside the garden gate so quickly. I wonder who else was Chez Smith on the nights in question? Because if their 15 or 10 year-old boys were exposed to some racy material* deliberately, the Smiths might be facing a police enquiry into possible offences of grooming and/or exposure under the same Sexual Offences Act that Jacqui has so assidiously used on the rest of the population.

    * Knowing the reputation of Beardy, one cannot imagine that his offerings were anything but the purest 'e-row-teaker' .

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Call for Kevin Turvey!

    We need Kevin Turvey, Redditch's premier investigative journalist to check out the story!


  25. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton


    Still laughing....

    I suppose you could argue that this is a one off (the wrist) but I suspect it isn't.

    Wacqui, don't forget m'dear, if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear.

    Now, anyone else fancy signing her up for a few swinger websites?

    Paris, No reason, honest...

  26. Christopher

    He pressed "Yes" when he meant "No"

    Leave the poor man alone; he was simply trying to access "Driving Miss Daisy," however stumbled upon "Bangkok Chick Boys" instead...

  27. ThinkingOutLoud


    Since JS is claiming her sister's house to be her primary residence and hubby & kids live in the "secondary" home, should we assume there is something dodgy going on?

    Hey, hubby's need for substitute comfort only reinforces where I'm going with this.

    Political corruption just isn't interesting enough these days!

    I normally use PH icon but Sad Face this time because none quite fit.

  28. B B Beyer

    Poor old Jacqui...

    ...she does have her knockers.

    (Remember that low cut top she wore at the despatch box?!)

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Down

    doesn't deserve to go yet ?

    Come off it FFS!

    She's used the public purse allegedly according to BBC to pay for everything from dinners to entertainment systems for her "second home". Firstly it isn't her second home, it belongs to a family member secondly it would appear that the movie being watched was on an "entertainment system" paid for by the the taxpayer out of expenses in her main home.

    I think we can work out that this tends to indicate that if true, she's about as straight as a merchant banker.

    She needs to go. She's as dodgy as some of the bankers her departments should be building charges against.

    Talking of merchant bankers - I Give you her husband. Boom Boom !

  30. MnM

    Two Tugs Timney

    No oranges, asphyxiation, nazis... this is pathetic. In any other circumstances I'd say Mr Timney should be ashamed of himself, but in his household, I can understand him being a little repressed. Still, I imagine it's menage a un's for him for quite some time now - hopefully he'll broaden his horizons.

    Delicious, too, that the Home Sec has suffered a little taste of privacy invasion. Data captured for an apparently straightforward, commonsense reason (and she often reminds us what a straightforward, sensible lady she is) has ended up betraying entirely unintended information about her home life. She's intellectually bereft and is a major error of judgement on the part of the PM.

  31. Ricky H

    ha ha ha ha haaa

    I lolled IRL. then punched a newspaper bearing her fugly mug. try harder at destroying our civil liberties next time, if you get one Wacki Jacqui.

  32. Steve Evans

    More to the point...

    WTF are we doing paying for her to have cable TV at all! I don't have it at home, I don't think it comes under a necessary expense, especially with the option of freeview, or don't they have to justify any expenses?

  33. Anonymous Coward

    Local Constabulary investigating............


    Rumour has it that the other embarrassing item claimed for, the 88p plug, was in fact not a bath plug, but a butt plug.

  34. Anonymous Coward

    Surely ...

    "the benefits outweighed any illegality"

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Motion of no confidence

    the good folks of Redditch should call one. Unless of course they condone her actions.

    The opposition should be using motions of no confidence continually on this Labour government, the sooner they get Labour out the sooner this country can recover.

    It is the oppositions democratic duty to do this, and the media should be looking into how MPs can be unseated so people are aware of the methods to do it. A democracy is rule by the people, not rule by government, they are put in until they screw up, and this government have set a new record on screw ups.

  36. Eddy Ito Silver badge

    Re: AC@17:23

    "Isn't "Hoist on own petard" good enough?"

    No it isn't. In terms of notoriety, it sucks, inasmuch as it is far too broad and it doesn't roll off the tongue. We live in a short attention span society and as such any phrase over three syllables is passe, insignificant and obscure unless it can be presented in a single word. The whole world has become about branding and if the best brand you can come up with is a line from Hamlet you don't get any points for originality, style or grace. That said, the reason for a contest is simple - for shits and giggles. So lighten up, stay away from the hoitards and have a brew.

  37. Anonymous Coward


    Jacqui Smith is a female chauvinist pig, along with that Harriet Harmen. These women are always complaining. Here comes the nanny state and the pc brigade! Read my lips: put them in a rocket and fire them in to the sun. Mrs Thatcher must be spinning in her grave!

    NuLabour MUST GO, Big Brother UK

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    We must be kind to him...

    Folks, please, as a public show of understanding to Mr. Whacky, please send him something to view on the telly as he won't be allowed to charge it anymore. Remember to address the DVDs and VHS tapes to him personally so his wife doesn't open them and throw them out.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: @Just a thought, but....

    That was my first thought as well. Isn't there an anonymous tip-off line for reporting such things, after all, we're all supposed to be poice informers these days. Such sweet justice.

  40. jake Silver badge

    @Tony 13:25 (was "Perhaps...)

    " ...If she spent a bit more time looking after her husbands needs and a bit less trying to f**k the rest of us he wouldn't have to rely on shite pay-per-view porn?"

    That was going to be my comment ... did I know you in Yorkshire in the '70s?

    The people are beginning to get really irritated ... This is going to become interesting before long.

    "May you live in interesting times." --Old Chinese curse.

  41. An nonymous Cowerd

    A whole Database

    bringing this story back to an IT footing, some MP last night was explaining that the 'whole parliamentary shopping database' is onsale in a dodgy pub somewhere for around 300 thousand pounds!


    it's shocking! how low and how reasonable those terms are!!!!!, why just one Random MP (Jacqui) has managed to burn through around 150 thousand pounds 'expenses' since 2001 (source:SUN), plus there's another 645 of these MP heroes.

    using bad maths thats 150k x 646 = around 97 million quid

    That means the illegal stolen £300k memory stick whole-parliamentary-database could quickly pay for itself!!!!!!!! A bargain at half the price if it could cure rampant MP quantitative expense easing.

    Now this precedent has been set, I wonder how much a mem-stick of Waki-Jacqui's national Überdatabase would sell for?? Radio4 mentioned that the Land Registry online database is currently being sociologically hacked, with skilful gangs silently transferring property ownership and selling your house away from under you!

    in the same vein "illegal Überdatabase mem-stick " (c) (tm) copies would be a best seller,

    may I just have a final chortle at Wacquis/Timneys come-uppance, according to the Hamburg the films were (Titel aus dem Angebot: "Schmutzige Anfängerinnen" oder "Verdorbene Amateure") "Dirty beginners" or "Corrupt Amateurs"!!!! /rant

  42. Anonymous Coward

    It happens the other way too.....

  43. rob hindle

    What else did he need?

    Has Jacquie claimed on her expenses for Kleenex tissues - a possible accessory for solo viewing of porno films

  44. Osiris


    Does this mean my ID card will have a space for 'favorite porno'?

  45. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    you know

    It's funny that there's a new government propaganda series "sex education vs pornography" I mean they must have found the dumbest teenagers in the world if they didn't know that porn was - you know - not the best guide to real life, and as if any teenegers watch it, just a load of miserable people tutting, except maybe a few dozen teens who have less brains then sex drive.

    and lets face it, any really good realistic porn runs the risk of being illegal becouse it doesn't come with a bbfc rating on it.

  46. Pat

    Crime and Punishment

    So how will Wacky punish him - deny him sex or <shudder> oblige him to perform?

    Obvious excuse = "I was told to research effects of a physical stimulation."

    Fiscal stimulation, geddit? ( probably causing, fittingly, a chorus of groans)

  47. Lomax
    Dead Vulture

    Bye bye Jacqui!

    After overcoming the immediate outburst of uncontrollable laughter and unbridled feelings of schadenfreude I still, several days after this story broke, find myself sporting a most satisfied grin. Finally this evil woman and her shameless double standards have been exposed! For too long we have let her erode our hard won liberties and forcibly impose her twisted morals upon the nation. The fact that her fall came at the hands of pr0n I find particularly suitable - she has crusaded tirelessly against all forms of sexual expression and, under the guise of "protecting" us from our own erotic fantasies, has introduced some of the most draconian big brother laws ever seen in this country.

    Someone should conduct a "Remote search" of her computers as a matter of urgency - the people have a right to know whether the home secretary may in fact be in breach of her own laws on the possession of adult material. This should of course also apply to the two films in question; did they contain any scenes of "simulated rape" or any activities that might cause physical harm? If so, the mere act of having watched them could be a matter for the police!

    Nothing to hide, nothing to fear, eh Jacqui? Now get the F**K OUT OF HERE - and take your fascist legislation with you!


  48. EdwardP


    Big man, pig man, ha ha charade you are.

    You well heeled big wheel, ha ha charade you are.

    And when your hand is on your heart,

    You're nearly a good laugh,Almost a joker,

    With your head down in the pig bin,

    Saying "Keep on digging."

    Pig stain on your fat chin.

    What do you hope to find.

    When you're down in the pig mine.

    You're nearly a laugh,

    You're nearly a laugh

    But you're really a cry.

    Bus stop rat bag, ha ha charade you are.

    You fucked up old hag, ha ha charade you are.

    You radiate cold shafts of broken glass.

    You're nearly a good laugh,

    Almost worth a quick grin.

    You like the feel of steel,

    You're hot stuff with a hatpin,

    And good fun with a hand gun.

    You're nearly a laugh,

    You're nearly a laugh

    But you're really a cry.

    Hey you, Whitehouse,

    Ha ha charade you are.

    You house proud town mouse,

    Ha ha charade you are

    You're trying to keep our feelings off the street.

    You're nearly a real treat,

    All tight lips and cold feet

    And do you feel abused?

    You gotta stem the evil tide,

    And keep it all on the inside.

    Mary you're nearly a treat,

    Mary you're nearly a treat

    But you're really a cry.

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Thumb Up

    How ironic..

    What a fantastic story. Love it when politicians draw lines that even they can't stay behind.

    Fantastic writing as always John. Keep it up.

  50. Gary

    The Mind Boggles

    Nothing wrong with watching porn at all. Would the money not have been better spent buying Wacky (Does she wack him?) Jacky a basque, nylons, sussies, and heels? Must go now. Please excuse the shaky handwriting------------ At least now she can say NOTHING to the erst of us real people!



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