back to article BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns "We put a fair amount of time into ideation sessions in an attempt to leverage your company's commercial value against the prevailing market perception," the suit says. ... "Just, ah, back that up a little there – you put a fair amount of time into what now?" the PFY asks. " …

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    1. CentralCoasty
      Unhappy

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      "revert" is becoming a corporate favourite where I am at the moment... and yes in every single instance they mean "reply".

      It's now started working its way in the BA's lexicon.... going to make the requirements reading very interesting.... trouble is I dont see any BOFH's around here......

  1. ObSolutions, Inc

    My Gods...

    Even knowing that it was a joke all along, I could feel my hands aching to slap that twat across the room about halfway through the story.

    Superb!

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge
      Trollface

      That would be twatsplaining then

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        BOFH is no joke.

      2. PNGuinn
        Trollface

        That would be twatsplaining then

        Twatsplatting.

        FIFY

        1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: That would be twatsplaining then

          Although from personal experience this and bossplaining may be synonyms...

        2. Stoneshop Silver badge

          Re: That would be twatsplaining then

          Or twatpaining.

  2. Charlie Clark Silver badge
    Coat

    Missed a chance

    To get one of 2018's favourite buzzwords a run around and demonstrate its true meaning: leveraging business assets to truly impact performance.

  3. adam payne Silver badge

    <"Well which game are you trying to make it like? I'm quite a fan of murder in the dark. Get the lights, will you, Stephen?">

    It's much more fun if they don't know what's coming/

    1. Geekpride

      Get the lights - and the night vision gear. Requisitioned so they can still provide support during power outages.

  4. MCMLXV
    Holmes

    Draw a line

    "So we can 'draw a line under it'?" the Boss asks.

    "You mean 'draw a chalk outline around him'", I replied.

    1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: Draw a line

      Sounds a lot like wanting to leave evidence… Much better to know that the council has scheduled some repair work for later in the week.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Draw a line

      I'd say the project flatlined before it found its legs; the legs being the only bit left sticking out.

  5. K Silver badge

    Best in a long time..

    Nuff said, had me sniggering and laughing in an open plan office, with 200 people thinking I'm nuts... Thanks BoFH!

    1. Bob Wheeler
      Pint

      Re: Best in a long time..

      Folks I work with know that when I start laughing uncontrollably on a Friday morning I must be reading BOFH - sorry researching new IT stuff.......

    2. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: Best in a long time..

      "with 200 people thinking I'm nuts..."

      Just say "This week's BOFH" and you'll usually get a chorus of "oh right"

  6. herdi42
    Flame

    Get out of my office, Simon,

    how long have you been working here? Stupid buzzword-consultant optimized company websites nowadays: can be used by twitter-addicted monkeys but is absolutely content-free. You can't even figure out what we do using the web any more!

  7. Diodelogic

    A Coincidence

    The webcomic Doc Rat is using this same idea as a storyline, though perhaps without quite so happy an ending.

    http://www.docrat.com.au/comic/ad-overview/ and a few more strips following.

  8. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    Perfect Curve?

    Sounds like something you'd see on W1A, or maybe from Gus on Drop the Dead Donkey, e.g. "Could we interlock brain spaces in my work area?"

    1. Fr. Ted Crilly

      Re: Perfect Curve?

      Or Nathan Barley

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Synergy!

    Have you seen Weird Al's musical rendition of the corporate mission statement?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyV_UG60dD4

  10. earl grey Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Twatspotting

    Just like trainspotting before you twatsplat with the train.

    1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

      Re: Twatspotting

      Sounds like something you'd want a maxi-pad for...

  11. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways

    I took Simon's Programming Tale to Represent Current El Reg Interests.

    Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels into Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage would be Introducing ITs Products in CyberIntelAIgentWares here and now.

    And for every day hence since then to be recorded as the Past, even as IT Explores AI Virgin Futures. ....... Quantum Communications AIMachinery with Deliveries for Production of Tomorrows.

    With NEUKlearer Media Teams Astonishing True Stars .... and even themselves too.:-)

    As a SMARTR Business, what Price to Markets be Globalised AI Gamification of/at Levels Worthy for/of Command and Control Levers to AId Virtualised Strategy for Total Practical Tactical Advantage?

    Methinks Fort Knox would be gladly drained for the Privileges such Advantage Commands with Prime Futures in Control, and at the Controls.

    Are future visitors here an alien species ........ and Special Air Sources doing TS/SCI MOD Work in Strange Works ...... https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/3/2018/03/22/f_35b_block_4_upgrades_cost_uk_345m/#c_3463768 ........ which Just Appear to Appear and Work Exceptionally Well.

    Or are they Far Distant Travellers Returned Enlightened with SMARTR Leads Following Future Directions with Virtual Instruction on Real Practical Leverage in Advantage Given and Received ....... A Mutually Satisfying Program which has all the advantages and disadvantages of being hooked and captured by the simplest of sweet temptations if you be so gifted and lucky :-)

    Man and Woman as One in Mutually Satisfying Spontaneous Orgasms has both Travelling Stellar Class to Other Space Places that Seed a Need and Feed that has to be Seen and Experienced to be Believed.

    After Perfect Journeys is Nothing ever as IT was before ..... and the Future Beckons with Delights Beyond Compare to Savour and Nurture, or whenever used and misused and abused for the Generation of Money for Deficit and Debt, would Propagate and Plunder be more APT.

    cc DARPA/Google Federal

    1. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

      Re: Peaceful Space Offering via Registered Channels on FreedD Air Ways

      Proof Positive Evidence of the Veracity of the above Trail/Tale/Trial admiitted to here?

      Are your Acting Leaders Great Readers and Plugged into Remotely Presented Controls for Virtualised Command ..... or are they to be Dumb Waiters and Ignorant Blind Spectators to New COSMIC Alienating Events, ..... Courtesy of Top Secret/SCI Services .... and Strictly Need to Know for Greater IntelAIgent Gamers' Use. Not a Journey or Destination for the Faint-Hearted nor the Lily-Livered but Well Worth the Host of Rewards Earned with Every Satisfying Visit.

      Or are they being kept in the Dark and Totally Unaware of the Boundless Opportunities Now Available to Freely Share and Give Away to Powerful Energetic AIDrivers...... and All in Plain Sight and Easy Hailing Distance of Capital Venturing Markets ....... where Deep State Players Push the Cushy Buttons and Pull the Mass Levers for Support of All Manner of Shenanigans.

  12. dmacleo

    "...let them marinate for a while."

    "Charged another 40 hours to the job while fart-arsing around on some other client's project," the PFY adds.

    PFY strikes again, would love to see article written by him/her.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      PFY POV

      "PFY strikes again, would love to see article written by him/her."

      Hear hear... reversal of the reversal where Sir Arthur Conan Doyle had Holmes narrate a story or two instead of Watson.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
  13. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    All is right in the World

    Well it is now, albeit a bit late.

    I was wo.... w... doing stuff that makes money for me, much later than usual today.

  14. David Given
    Unhappy

    I was in a meeting the other day...

    ...with someone who had 'asks'.

    It was a sad, sad, day.

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    There is always that occasion where I have to turn into a techie Twat because the customer expects to hear said p'plainin (Peter Principle) and doesn't accept that you know what you are talking about if you try to put it into plain English - I make sure they sign on the dotted line before damaged brake line in their car places them in harm's way.

  16. HKmk23

    Sounds like

    A government project civil service meeting!

  17. wrangler

    Perhaps the BOFH should consider leveraging his expertise into DAAS. (D = defenestration)

  18. FuzzyTheBear

    Long time

    since i laughed that much :) thanks Simon .. Cool to see the Boss making good use of the IT personnel for once :D

  19. FeRDNYC

    Truly, many enjoyments were on-mirthed in the readification of Simon's maximally recental authoring.

  20. Neoc

    Something's wrong... that Boss seemed unusually well suited for the position of overlooking the BOFH and PFY.

  21. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Loved the Sponsored link just below the story: "Learn how to transform your data into a strategic asset for your business by using the cloud to accelerate innovation..." Ad placement algorithms are sometimes brilliant!

  22. perlcat

    help!

    You'd need an advanced degree in bullshitology to dejargonificate the obfusticationization of mundaneological nomenclature declamated here. The amount of craptological terminoligification is rarely exceeded outside of airport books that functionally illiterate execs pick up and inflict upon their direct report casualties.

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