back to article Zuckerberg thinks he's cyber-Jesus – and publishes a 6,000-word world-saving manifesto

Whatever Mark Zuckerberg's taking, we want some, too. Because last night it looks like the Zuck stayed up late with a couple of university freshmen and solved the world's problems, making sure they wrote it down so they didn't wake up in the morning and forget it. Behold a 6,000-word manifesto from the CEO and cofounder of …

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  1. Mr Dogshit

    Arse

    He's 32, he's too immature to even run a lemonade stand.

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Globalisation sounds great doesn't it?

    Maybe it is great.

    But how about they figure out how to make it into the idyllic perfection they make it out to be on a small scale first. Take some of those areas billed as the most multicultural wonderlands and actually fix them. Fix LA's ghetto's/out of control drug addition/homelessness. Fix Detroit's completely failed economy/industry. Fix Chicago's murder rates and gun crime and general lawlessness.

    Fix all that, then you might succeed in having something to sell to the world.

  3. David Black

    Dear Mark

    How about you change the world in a way that you can, directly.

    How about securing online privacy rights and transferring ownership of people's personal information back to them. If they wish to open it up and sell it, they can. You could create an entirely new market, a new economy, you would revolutionise advertising. You could empower people to make decisions with their life and spark competition and innovation. Remove the concept of "free" services, show the real monetary value being transferred. All within your hands today. A new vision of a world based on openess and empowerment, not secret slurping and spying.

    Oh, and pay your taxes, you don't *need* to offshore and process profits through 13 business entities. You can because global legistlation is lax, but you could also go to a favela and shoot street children without much chance of being prosecuted either. It's about morality, get some, it'd look good with all your wealth.

    1. GrumpyOldMan

      Re: Dear Mark

      A new vision of a world based on openess and empowerment, not secret slurping and spying.

      Its not secret. We all know he's doing it.

    2. Mike Shepherd
      Meh

      Re: Dear Mark

      Nothing of his vision will happen. In Clive James' words, it's "can-say instead of can-do" (even funnier in the audio version).

  4. Mike Shepherd
    Meh

    Why listen?

    This is the man who said he'd give $3bn to cure all disease by 2100. I assume that by now someone told him to "get real". Why are we still listening?

  5. GrumpyOldMan

    Fund raising... ?

    "A few years ago, after an earthquake in Nepal, the Facebook community raised $15 million to help people recover and rebuild – which was the largest crowdfunded relief effort in history."

    In April 2015 - when the earthquake hit - $15M = £10.031710M. In 2015 on one small island nation off the coast of Europe a comedy TV program run by a charity called Comic Relief raised £78m. In one day. When all the money was gathered in the days and months that followed it totaled out at just over £104M.

    If all Zuck and FB can manage - Globally - is 10% of that....

    Just saying. Not saying its not good that FB raised that amount, but if 70% or whatever it is of the global population use it... ZB probably has that in loose change in his pocket.

    I am immensely proud of how generous the British people can be.

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    In summary

    Cunt.

  7. rocklands.cave

    Pay local taxes instead of enriching your "charity"

    ...that may make things a little better in the countries of your users

  8. CDD
    Unhappy

    How Long for This World..??

    Well, Zuckerberg is a knob. We all know it, and he seems continually determined to give us more and more evidence to back up this view.

    Personally I detested him ever since El reg reported on his business card job title a few years ago (I'm CEO... Bitch). Not sure what he puts now - 'Messiah' perhaps?

    Still, my point really is just how long is FB likely to remain the premier social media platform. My wife uses it, a 54 year old woman with limited IT skills who just this morning said to me "Facebook seems to be going out of fashion". My kids no longer use it, and my wife feels it is losing its appeal, with four adverts to every post. My friend's young grandkids on being asked about FB replied "oh no, that is for old people", which makes one wonder just how much longevity FB actually has. I have no research data to back this up, and I realise that as they expand into developing countries there will be new uptake of the product, but in more developed countries it does seen that FB is reaching the 'mature' stage of the product lifecycle, if not moving into 'decline'. They do say the hardest thing for a business with one great idea is to then come up with a second good (and marketable) idea - the second album is always the hardest - so once his platform does start to seriously decline, in the best traditions of The Register, will he learn to shut the fuck up???

    ...and I agree, a medal for the poor guy that had to read this narcissistic drivel in full.

  9. steamrunner

    WTF?

    Putting aside the issue of whether The Zuck should have even written this stuff for a moment...

    ... but is it just me, or is this the crappiest article El Reg has posted in a fair while? I know it's Friday and I may be having a senior moment or three after a long week and missing the point, but WTF is this shite?

    I was so happy and content after reading this week's 'On Call' column then 'smack', I ran into this drivel.

    Zuck may well get an "F" but this article definitely gets a "U": un(re)markable.

  10. OliP

    i guess we are going to see more of this from him, over christmas it was him waxing lyrical over how he'd discovered home automation (50 years late mark?) and now he's obviously finished reading a book and now thinks he can fix the world.

    fuck off mark.

  11. Zmodem

    obviously a script kiddie who made a wack site that entertains only stupid people

    mans was so happy finding out you can uninstall everything todo with facebook on a xperia z3

  12. Stevie Silver badge

    Bah!

    I was with you right up to the point where you started mocking the 15 million.

    Remind me: how much did the Register raise for the same relief effort?

    1. Kiwi Silver badge
      FAIL

      Re: Bah!

      Remind me: how much did the Register raise for the same relief effort?

      fuckerborg and farcebork collectively raised a whopping $15mill. Note what a poster above said about the UK raising over GBP 104mill, 78mill of that in a weekend. Population of UK? "Population" of freakbonk?

      As to El Reg, if only one staffer gave 1 pound, that'd probably mean as a %age that El Reg gave a shitload more than MothaZucker. Certainly, looking at total turnover OR total staff/users, to give twice the amount per capita El Reg would've had to give fuck all. 20 pence maybe? (late-on-a-Saturday maths).

      $15mill is useful, sure, and no doubt the victims of the quake were grateful for it.. But given the resources available, I'd say it's actually a very shamefully low amount. What says even more, is that Messedup Zanyburg can only use that pitiful little amount as an example of just how wonderful fb is - they haven't given a larger amount to another charity, nor have they given more to charity than that 15mill in the years since. Been a lot of nasty disasters in the world since then, but their best effort is that 15mill (assumption based on his not saying "we gave $x to y and z" (and also assuming El Reg's writer didn't skip too much there).

      1. Zmodem

        Re: Bah!

        britain is full of the middleclass who goto work, and then stay in every night watching tv hiding from the world they created for themeselves and can afford £40 atleast because they are allowed £10,000 saving and tax credits while claiming housing benefit, while everyone who works less then 30 hours still has to put up with nothing more then unemployment benefit, the rest of you wage goes on rent and council tax

      2. Kiwi Silver badge
        Joke

        Re: Bah!

        fuckerborg and farcebork collectively raised a whopping $15mill.

        Reminds me of a joke I heard many years ago.. I'll make a few changes to bring it up to date..

        A fairly young lad is given a crisp new $5 bill from his parents and sent off to town to spend it on whatever he wants. Like many boys that age, he heads to the local candy store, his thoughts filled with all the chocolate and caramel and other things he'll get with his $5.

        As he's passing the local Salvation Army church on the way, he notices the $5 note isn't in the pocket he thought it was. After a few moments of frantic pocket searching he realises that somewhere he has lost his $5, and immediately he starts crying.

        One of the preachers from the Sallies just happens to be going into the building when he sees the boy crying, and he asks what is wrong.

        "M..m..m Mum gave me so..so..some money for ca..ca.candy and I've lost it" the boy sobs

        "Oh, that's sad. How much was it?" The preacher asks

        "Fi..fi..fi.. Five dollars!" Is the response

        "Well, I only have a tenner on me, and we know you don't have any change. Here, take this and enjoy".

        The boy thanks him, and resumes his journey. Very quickly the lad realises he's on to something, and he heads out over to the local Anglican. This time he stops by a drain grate outside and starts crying.

        A local minister hears the crying outside his office, and heads out to inspect. Of course, much the same conversation takes place as did outside the Sallies.

        "I've dropped my $5 down the drain"

        "Well, all I have is a tenner. Here, take it my son, and go with God".

        Happily the boy leaves, thinking of how much he could get if he keeps this up. Off he heads for the nearby AOG.

        The AOG pastor hears the boy sobbing in the street, asks him what's wrong. Of course, the conversation goes much like the previous two.

        "I'm sorry about the money you've lost, but God has been good to us this week. Here, have a $20".

        "Wow, gee thanks mister!" exclaims the lad and off he skips, now having more money than he's seen in his young life.

        Seeing how things have been improving, he decides to try his luck one more time. Off he heads to the local Catholic church Facebook HQ.

        He stops outside, and pretends to be franticly checking his pockets, searching for something important. After a few moments of this he pretends to start crying.

        One of the nuns from the local convent a FB employee just happens to be going into the building when he sees the boy crying, and he asks what is wrong.

        "M..m..m Mum gave me so..so..some money for ca..ca.candy and I've lost it" the boy sobs

        "Oh, that's sad. How much was it?" The Nun the FB employee asks.

        "Fi..fi..fi.. Five dollars!" Is the response

        "Oh, that's too bad. Here, I have $5 on me, you can have it".

        The boy looks at it with disappointment, and says "Gee, thanks Virgin Mary Mr Zuckerberg"

        The Nun FB employee says "What makes you think I'm the Virgin Mary Mr Zuckerberg"?

        "Because you're the tightest cunt I've seen all day!

        Ok.. El Reg we really do need that "bad joke alert" icon!

  13. disgruntled yank Silver badge

    With all due disrespect

    "The Red Cross, for example, has an annual budget of $3bn. That's 200 times larger and that's just one organization."

    Yes, but Nepal was just one earthquake. I suspect that the scale of Red Cross spending on Nepal was a bit closer.

    In "Fiddler on the Roof", Tevye sings "When you're rich, the think you really know." He did not identify the more serious problem, which is that when you're rich, you think you really know.

  14. Potemkine Silver badge

    "are we building the world we all want?"

    Among other things, the World I want is a World where privacy matters.

  15. happyuk

    I know his real motivation...

    All this 'global problems' guff - Zuck wants new legislation to make it easier for Facebook to get cheap foreign hires. Trebles all round!

  16. fredesmite

    Fkck FB and all those other social media sites

    FB produces nothing - if they disappeared today they would never be missed

  17. Sam Therapy
    FAIL

    The biggest problem with Zuckerberg is...

    That he's Zuckerberg.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The biggest problem with Zuckerberg is...

      That reminds me of the South Park James Cameron poem. I'll redo it for Zuck:

      Mark Zuckerberg doesn't do what Mark Zuckerberg does for Mark Zuckerberg.

      Mark Zuckerberg does what Mark Zuckerberg does because he IS Mark Zuckerberg.

      And now the Golden Girls Theme:

      Thank you for being a friend (on Facebook)

      Traveled down the road, and back again (with many pictures to Like, but not really)

      Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant (I'm 100% sure we've never met in person)

      Need I go on? I needn't. You do it for extra credit.

  18. JustNiz

    >> In the United States election last year, we helped more than 2 million people register to vote and then go vote.

    Is it just me or does Facebook "helping" 2 million people to vote actually sound really scary?

    1. mohan72

      Those are the 2 million votes that didn't really count?

  19. Howard Hanek Bronze badge
    Linux

    When I'm Depressed I Always Listen to Mark Zuckenberg

    ....and my direct access to the suicide hotline is always there to save me. They always come up with the words that returns me to normalcy. They would rather want me to live in a world where Mark Zuckerberg wouldn't have that effect on people.

  20. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    Wait 2000 years

    and you get 2 wannabe messiahs come along at once. I am of course referring to the appearance of the Rev. Blair today.

  21. the Jim bloke Silver badge
    Big Brother

    The greatest evil the internet has caused..

    .. has been giving stupid people a voice.

    Empowering stupid people is a recipe for disaster - choose your own examples.

    The only reason that 'smart' people pretend to listen to stupid people, is in order to exploit them, for labour, political power, financial gain, or sex. Otherwise, they are just a waste of time.

    The greatest benefit 'social media' has brought to the world has been to siphon the majority of the stupid people into the same place, where they can be safely ignored by the grown-ups. Zuckerberg has used this concentration to monetise stupid people, reaping huge rewards. (see above)

  22. Lion

    I expect the vast majority of the 1.86 billion active FB members will not read the manifesto. Yes, I am stating the obvious.

    The danger for Zuckerberg when he produces these statements of grandeur is that there are activist investors who have been eyeing FB for sometime and have lately suggested that he be removed as CEO. To combat these corporate raiders, FB changed their corporate governance rules to give founders and early investors greater voting control. Zuckerberg benefits from 10 votes for each share and currently controls just under 57 percent of the vote. He has even given himself the right to name his successor when he dies. The very definition of 'control freak'.

    The content of this manifesto should really not come as a huge surprise. He is a caviar socialist living the capitalist's dream.

  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    "Zuckerberg thinks he's cyber-Jesus"

    So you are saying he considers himself a (cyber-)non-Messiah? Me too, in that case. Or has he converted to Christianism or Islam? Or is it just the headline missing the mark?

  24. Kiwi Silver badge
    Pint

    Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou

    I might've been tempted to read such a document had I stumbled on it from another source. Thank you for doing it so the rest of us don't have to!

    ---> A million of your favourite beverage! (though that lot sounds like Zuck beat you to it!)

    I guess it goes to show.. When you sell your soul to the devil, you get what you deserve. Guess Zuck is starting to unravel?

    (And he must have sold his soul, how else could someone who writes stuff like that do so well in this world?)

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm rather sick and tired of globalists telling me how great they are when all they have done is walk off with the profit without paying the tax small business have to pay. Utter hypocrisy.

  26. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    did he just ...

    spin that Kodos and Kang bit from The Simpsons out to 6,000 words?

    but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

  27. Grease Monkey

    Nice to see that there's one media outlet that's not taking that pointless stream of (barely) consciousness seriously.

  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What Jesus didn't do...

    Jesus didn't get to where he got through mergers and acquisitions, 57 to date for Zuck.

  29. mohan72

    The answer is Facebook, now what's the question?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Zuck should start changing the world by paying his taxes, according to how much revenue he receives in each country... from his facebook.

    Non-facebook user - I am unable to create a profile 'for fun' or to take the piss...

    Facebook reminds me of a song I enjoyed, it's something like a prophecy: adam freeland, we want your soul. :)

  31. Mage Silver badge

    They are delusional

    http://www.bbc.com/news/technology-39051972

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