Jokes of no more than 2 lines

My wife says she's leaving me because of my obsession with Football Manager. In my defence, I have Kompany, Vidic, Alves and Lahm Boom. NEXT

This topic was created by Charles Calthrop .

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Umm...

What goes "Yelp, leap, bong, splash, yelp, leap, bong, splash, yelp, leap,bong, splash...?

A frog in a pressure cooker.

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...oh noes...

What goes "Bip, bip, bippity-bip, bip, bip, bippity-bip-bip, bip, bip, bip, bip, bippity...?

A ping-pong ball in a tornado.

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...sigh...

What's red and comes in tubes?

Underground train disasters.

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...???...

How do you know that elephants have been hiding in your fridge?

Footprints in the custard.

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...Ooer...

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

A 'Dyouthinkesaurus'

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Auto-correct made me say things I didn't Nintendo.

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"Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion" - Spike Milligan

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ibs

I've just bought the British IBS Society's charity advent calendar.

For fuck's sake, somebody open a window.

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if you are addicted to porn,

you can now get tablets for it.

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Anonymous Coward

What do New York Jewish psychiatrists say when they meet?

You're fine, how am I?

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Joke

Apologies to the original author

A blonde walked into a butcher's, flushed and panting, and asked for his pork in cider.

Or of course the all-time classic from St. Pterry:

"Why, sirrah, why may a caudled fillhorse be deemed the brother to a hiren candle in the night?

Withal, because a candle may be greased, yet a fillhorse be without a fat argier"

The problem with me posting this online is that it's impossible for me to now bonk you lightly on the head with a bladder-on-a-stick, without which, of course, the joke just falls completely flat, dammit.

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(c) Bobby Chariot, world's top warm-up man:

"Recently, my holiday home was burned down by Welsh Nationalists.

Bit rough really, coz it was in Spain."

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There's a new Disney movie coming...

...about a girl who really, really likes the base of a statue.

But then, don't all their movies involve finding a plinth charming?

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Re: There's a new Disney movie coming...

Are you certain the movie is coming?

Or is it just breathing hard?

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Boxers

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night when the wife said to me...

"You spoil those dogs."

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Childcatcher

A very, very old one

Why are there so many cuckolds?

Because so many people get married.

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SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

WANDA: How horrible!...

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

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@ Julovme

How many people does it take to count to two?

Probably 10, if you're digitally inclined.

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The dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to santa

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The dyslexic atheist who laid awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

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I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer, I dunno what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

I was in Thailand recently and I picked up one of them she-man's. I mean, I thought she was a women at first.

It wasn't until she drove me back to her place and she started backing into the garage that I thought to myself "Hang on a f%$king minute...."

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Coat

None today thank you!

Two nuns in a bath one says "Where's the soap?" the seconds says "Yes it does!"

(say it out loud!)

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Re: None today thank you!

Note to my fellow yanks: Say it with a limey accent.

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WTF?

Re: None today thank you!

Ooo-kaaayyyy, self-admitted 'bit of a dim bulb' here....

I've said it in my best Cockney,Mancusian, RP, and even Geordie accents and I'm STILL not 'getting it'...where in blazes am I getting it wrong???

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Re: None today thank you!

Think location vs deterioration.

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How do you know the CIA wasn't behind the Kennedy assasination?

Because he's dead

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Donation

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

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Perspective

Life is all about perspective.

The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

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Study

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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History

Isn't it great to live in the 21st century?

Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

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Anonymous Coward

Never say "N factorial" - just shout "N" at the top of your voice.

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Anonymous Coward

"Do you want some sodium?"

"Na"

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The clocks go back tomorrow night... but I'm not losing any sleep over it.

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Give a man a fish and he will Instagram it; teach a man to fish and he will still Instagram it.

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My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

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Prescription

My doctor gave me a prescription for daily sex, but my girlfriend insists it is for dyslexia.

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And now, the news.

Police have arrested a Cornish / Italian muslim man and are holding him under prevention of terrorism provisions.

When arrested he was carrying a rucksack containing a pasty and antipasti.

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Said by...

At times it is very important whether a sentence was said by a man or a woman.

A good example: “I used a whole pack of tissues during that awesome movie last night!”

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Starting a Sperm Bank isn't cheap.

You have to pump millions into it.

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Old, sorry!

Q: What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?

A: Santa stops after 3 ho's.

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Doctor, doctor

I went to see my doctor yesterday and he told me that I have to stop masturbating.

When I asked why, he said... "I am trying to examine you".

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"Dumb Jokes That Are Funny"

http://theoatmeal.com/djtaf/

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Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives!

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