back to article Ten reasons why you shouldn't buy an iPhone 5

Here we are again on iPhone day, and once more the world waits on the edge of its seat to see what the fruitchomp masterminds of Cupertino have in store. We'll tell you what they've got in store - and none of it's good. Without further ado, here are ten points you should ponder before you even think of buying a new iPhone 5. …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    11: You'll get trolled by Lewis Page every year

  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Top one reason for...

    ... buying one:

    It's your money, you can spend it unwisely by getting ripped off for all I care.

    ... not buying one:

    Noone forces you, so if you don't want to for whatever reason, just don't.

  3. JDX Gold badge

    price, antenna

    Price: it doesn't seem more expensive than competing high-end HTC, Samsung phones running Android or WP7.

    Antenna: saying the old model had a bad one therefore you shouldn't buy the new one is silly. Most of the points are fine but I have to theorise the author was stretching for 10 points and ran out at 7 or 8.

  4. Ben Holmes
    Happy

    You're just pissed you didn't get invited to the ball, Cinders.

    1. Velv Silver badge
      Go

      "11. Crapple hates Adobe"

      I think even Lewis would rate that as a reason to buy an iPhone

  5. The Taft Hotel
    Facepalm

    11. Nexus Prime

    Actually. That's No.1 ;)

  6. Mage Silver badge

    Sadly more people than it's merits (an it has many) justify will buy it.

    Sadly more people than it's price as a phone justifies will buy it,

    Also

    11. It damages the Economy as Apple takes money out of circulation. Why don't they pay any share dividends?

  7. Steve ten Have
    Paris Hilton

    Even though I'm not an Apple fan...

    I'm not sure many, if any, of these reasons are particularly valid. I've found that the majority of people that buy these things are more than happy with their capability, fashion appeal and form factor. I personally wouldn't touch one with a 10 foot barge pole not the least because I find Apples business practice (i.e. patent wars) and constant milking of their customers abhorrent.

    If the consumer is happy to buy into it - c'est la vie, I'm not going to stop them. Besides, who knows Apple might come up with something that's a game changer again or at least a feature that is more polished and idiot proof than other implementations and that's not a bad thing...

  8. Nanki Poo
    Mushroom

    Hold on a sec . . .

    I'll get the fire extinguisher.

    Actually, best make that a fire engine, water hydrant and a reservoir . . .

    nK

    1. lee harvey osmond

      re "5. Scarcely Marks You Out As One Of The Cognoscenti"

      Fire extinguisher would have been my choice too. Because of "you'll get geekslapped by an early-adopter pal with a demonstrably better gadget: and to crown this infamy, his will probably have cost a lot less than yours".

      To show how discerning I am, I'd follow said early-adopter pal around with said fire extinguisher, waiting for his 'demonstrably better' gadget to catch fire.

      And in the meantime, should one be besieged by some "iPhones are rubbish, really they are" bore, perhaps even Lewis Page himself, a fire extinguisher makes a pretty handy improvised blunt instrument.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Pardon?

      In your infinite naivity, do you honestly believe that Google or Microsoft or Facebook or RIM are any better?

      You are aware, I presume, that Android is an advertising tool for a firm whose business is selling advertising? Have you missed the bit where Google was found, in several countries, to be gathering rather a lot of personal information, storing it and using it, as any advertising company would,, given half a chance? This was not just a vague suspicion or guess (compare the GPS affair on IOS), this was admitted, proved ....

      Or perhaps you are thinking of the hardware manufactures: how sweet to imagine that Foxcom or whoever have especially exploitative production lines and methods just for Apple or that Apple has some kind of evil overseer placed to make sure the workers on its version of the whatever chip or case or glass have a particularly nasty time of it.

      Have you ever tried getting a copy of Microsoft or RIM code? Even some of the Android stuff is protected.(perfectly reasonably) now.

      I suspect that Nokia and Symbian is the closest you will get to your apparent ideal. And we see, sadly, what has happened there.

      Of course, when you go shopping, you never hunt for the best price, try to get a discount, in case some poor bugger pays it for you in less income or more pressure; you always ask about the salary and welfare of the makers, the shop assistant, the transport workers, always offer to pay more just to make sure all in the chain get more. Lovely.

      At work or at home, you feel not the merest twinge of annoyance if you do a good job and someone else purloins the credit, claims the idea, even if it does mean you miss a promotion, a pay increase, a bonus. Saintly, that's what you are, too good for this world.

      Of course, you manage, somehow, to ensure that your taxes go nowhere near the more awkward actions of your government or your local council. As for usng oil in any form, with the sheer exploitation and spoliation of land and lives in, for instance, Nigeria or Iraq - Heaven forbid.

      I wonder what sort of ethical software and hardware (including all the network bits) you used to tell us about your precious ethics, while drinking Fairtrade tea or coffee or a glass of beer from some breweray that would never supply a drunk or an alcoholic.

      1. paulll Bronze badge
        WTF?

        Um

        You lump RIM in with the rest of the anti-privacy crowd, but you seem to have omitted the bit where you back that up; Au contraire RIM are famous for telling any and all comers-after BlackBerry users' data to fsck off. They've made a fair number of mis-steps in the past but I really can't see them compromising their relationships with (wealthy) governments and (wealthy) paranoid mega-corps by attempting a late entry into the advertising market.

        Not open-sourcing your OS code is not the same as operating a walled-garden platform.

        And it's Foxconn.

        The second half of your post made no sense whatsoever to me. Based on the first half I rebut it anyway.

  9. Dirk Vandenheuvel
    IT Angle

    So why is Google copying it then?

  10. Rob Dobs
    Facepalm

    wow some sanity in an article about Iphones

    Agree fully with the Author.

    Worse Phone for more money and you support a bad business model for the consumer.

    And a non-removable battery and no SD card? They should re-brand and try selling this to kids at a toy store instead.

  11. pdb
    FAIL

    Wow, what a load of crap, you could not wait the 4 hours until the actual device was announced.

  12. craigj

    Admit it Lewis Page - You wrote this just to get a chuckle out of the commentards didn't you?

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You missed one

    Flash ... buggy it may be, however it's also darned useful ;)

  14. Llyander
    FAIL

    Everything you've said here is also applicable to the iPhone 3 and the iPhone 4. Non-swappable batteries, walled garden, no memory card slot... You just seem to have regurgitated all the hates and quibbles people have for previous versions of the phones and yet folks still buy them. Exactly what new information are you adding to this debate because I'm damned if I can see a single original thought in this list.

  15. banjomike
    Thumb Up

    Wow, a Reg review I can find no fault with??

    I'm shocked.

    Not Actually That Great As A Phone. Very true. My neighbour stands at his backdoor to use his iPhone.

    Battery and SD card slot. Pathetic. I would expect Apple to have slots and then charge deranged prices for inferior replacements. Come on, Apple.

    Scarcely Marks You Out As One Of The Cognoscenti. Understatement of the year. iPhones are standard kit at local schools along with baggy jeans, torn shirts, etc.

    etc, etc, nuff said.

  16. windywoo
    Trollface

    I wept

    At the beauty of this article and at the tradgedy that is human consumer behaviour. Almost entirely governed by primitive tribal instincts in an age where rationality is supposed to be

  17. Wommit
    Thumb Up

    "and gets to keep your children to boot."

    Ummm... It's starting to look better now. How many do they want and where do I ship them?

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    no removable battery?? feels like 2007 all over again.. get over it

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      "...where do I ship them?"

      A one way ticket to Foxconn, China should be fine.

    2. jai

      no

      no it's not.

    3. Oz
      WTF?

      iPhones are standard kit at local schools

      Certainly not in my area. Blackberries are the phones of choice. iPhones are too common and passée.

  19. Chris 171
    Go

    Nicely summed up

    Yet only a small nod to itunes? - deserves an 11 point slap down that one.

  20. Mr Happy :)

    What a crap article

    Top reason why you shouldn't buy one. It isn't out and hasn't even been announced at the time of 'authoring' this article.

    Maybe next week we can have a Top ten reasons why not to buy a Windows 8 tablet.

  21. Huntsman
    Happy

    Bravo!

    I had a good chuckle at that, I'm waiting for the bait to be taken hook, line, sinker and a copy of the Angling Times.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Android

    Will you be doing a 10 reasons not to buy Android?

    I'll get you started:

    1. Manufacturers desert you 6 months after purchase.

    Owners of Sony X10s to HTC Desires are stuck on outdated versions of Android, whilst owners of 2 year old Apple phones will be getting the latest version of iOS as soon as it is launched.

  23. UKDB
    Paris Hilton

    Is this a joke article?

    Seems to be the case that someone that doesn't particularly like Apple and the iPhone has scrabbled around to rake over old ground and generally have a bitch about it.

    Paris because she too can be derivative and a bit of a moaner.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    O really?

    What about the iPhone 5? No mention of that, just iPhone 4 bashing...

  25. Guillermo Lo Coco
    Facepalm

    Remember the 0.5cents front cam.

    My n95 (2007) can make videocall over internet over XMPP over wifi/3g

    Your iSh1t 3GS (2009) not only miss 50cent frontcam, It also had NO MULTITASKING, and even worst, no copyandpaste!!!

    How they cheated so many innocents buyers ???

    Now, ask why corpocryme telecos are forcing Android manufactures to remove the frontcam ! :)))

  26. Bascule
    FAIL

    Meow...

    The only thing worse than a raving Apple fanboi, is a slavering Anti-Apple zealot, frothing and drooling with their fanatical 'must-convince-everyone-never-to-buy-any-apple-product' rantings.. Whether motivated by jealousy (including 'why didn't I think of that') is unclear, but these extremists (of either approach) are like the nutter stood on a crate telling us we're all doomed to die next saturday, or the embarrassing cousin at a wedding.

    Your post may contain the basics of some accurate information, though twisted to suit your rantings. Fundamentally though, a) you've completely missed the point of why people by iPhones and b) You are not likely to sway anyone's opinion with this disgraceful display.

    Someone bought an iPhone? Good for them, I hope they'll enjoy it, and suspect (given how many buy another later) that they will. Someone bought an Android? Good for them, and I suspect they'll also be very pleased with their purchase. A technical comparison between devices is of significant interest to some, and a worthy approach. A foaming at the mouth 'You shouldnt buy an iPhone(or any other device) because...' is disgraceful journalism, and unworthy of the register.

  27. Piro
    FAIL

    Yeah..

    People who want iPhones don't care about logic and reason.

  28. Citizen Kaned

    to be honest i agree...

    i was lucky enough to get a free iphone4. to be honest, after using this phone, i would never buy an apple product.

    the wife has a HTC desire. it does everything this one does. and a lot more. i hate the fact i have to really use itunes to do anything. even making a ringtone is a pain in the arse!

  29. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So?

    You're not so keen yourself then?

    Can I suggest you take a look around a consider an alternative then? There are plenty of other phones in the market place you know and though you might not be aware you can choose to but one of those instead. You have that power, you really do!

    There, see, life isn't so bleak is it.

    Karma to you :-)

    1. Ted Treen
      Flame

      Just as

      people who want to show their über-cool credentials by slating Apple, Apple products and Apple product users care even less about (and are probably strangers to) logic and reason.

      1. Piro
        Thumb Down

        What? I'm not cool in any way. I work in IT. How am I cool?

    2. Ted Treen
      Thumb Up

      Title

      Bascule for moderator/journalist at El Reg/PM?

      Haven't read such a sensible comment for ages...

    3. Ted Treen
      Flame

      One assumes..

      ...that your technical abilities/comprehension/discernment, although obviously overwhelming, do not extend to the use/understanding of the "Shift' key

    4. Ted Treen
      WTF?

      Before I rate this comment...

      ...would it be possible to provide an English translation?

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Happy 'Apple Catch-Up Day'...

    Well...seriously...

  31. lewiz
    Flame

    Reasons to buy an iPhone:

    1. It works

  32. Raddish
    FAIL

    What?!

    Never have I read such a pile of vitriolic crap in my life!

    How many people do you know that carry around a spare battery?

    How many people actually swap-out their SD card?

    This is blatantly an attempt to bait both side of the "fanboi" divide... Shame on you Register.

  33. HP Cynic

    Blimey!

    A strong reminder for me here: when the iPhone 1 appeared I was disgusted with much of the above and thought most issues would be resolved by the time the 3 came out.

    When the 3 was out I was forced to re-assess and pretty much set myself up to wait for the 5, even planning my phone contracts accordingly.

    If they announce the iPhone 5 tonight (not just a 4S) and it STILL does not have a replaceable batter y and a memory slot then I'm probably keeping away forever and getting into researching Android v Windows 7 Phone / 8.

  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    batteries

    So Lewis, how do you charge these extra batteries that you use on YOUR phone? If you forgot to plug the phone in I assume that you have some sort of 90s style external battery charger which you use to charge just the battery without the phone attached?

    And I assume your phone has a higher resolution screen than the iPhone? I agree about the memory card thing, me and my mates upgrade our memory cards every week or two and my phone now has a terrabyte of storage! Oh wait, that's in the same fantasyland you're in, SDHC doesn't actually go much higher than what apple offer.

    Point 4 is very true and not in a sarcastic way but the people Apple aim this at don't use the telephone function very much. These days it's all text, twitter, facebook and email. Perhaps you could research these for a future article on how people actually use technology rather than one on how we thought we would back in the days when keyboards were all the rage?

    Yes, nowadays everyone and his dog does have one and for some reason that seems to have put you into a jealous rage because you can't afford one.

    You're right that it's expensive too, but then if it was cheap there would be no market for Android and HTC!

    Anon because this post will get flamed I suspect :)

  35. dotslash
    Thumb Up

    thumbs up...

    ...that is all

  36. Pete 2 Silver badge

    Like water off a duck's back

    I'm sure all those reasons are perfectly lovely. However if you're not planning to buy a '5 then they are meaningless (or just preaching to the choir). If you are planning to get one, none of them will persuade you otherwise.

    All these reasons are far too rational. They fail to recognise the way the product is being marketed and therefore won't have any traction with the people being courted. If you can find a potential buyer who is willing and able to give you an honest answer, it probably won't be any more substantial than "BECAUSE I WANT ONE". You simply can't argue against that level of primal, unthinking desire.

    If you really wanted to deter people from buying one - your best strategy would be simply to lie about it. How about starting a rumour that every '5 was tested on poor, blind, orphan, pregnant, bunny-wunnies with big sad eyes and a cute little bobble-tail?

  37. Ted Treen
    Flame

    ...but one over-riding reason why you should buy an iPhone 5

    Lewis Page rants against it...

  38. ElbowNi
    Trollface

    Totaly Unbiased reporting- fewww

    At last a report that has been based on the facts rather than an likes or dislikes of a specific technology company ;)

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