back to article BOFH: You brought nothing to the party but a six-pack of regret

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "... And so we're thinking that some way of getting a morale boost would be good," the Boss burbles. "And cash was ruled out because?" I ask. "Money is a temporary thing..." "Much like morale in that respect," the PFY notes. "The Director wants something longer term. Something less …

      1. FlippingGerman

        Re: Learnings

        "Gifted", "birthed", ugh.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Learnings

        before they learnted to speak properly

        FTFY

        1. A K Stiles Silver badge
          Headmaster

          Re: Learnings

          ahem...

          http://www.bbc.co.uk/worldservice/learningenglish/radio/specials/1535_questionanswer/page50.shtml

      3. ICPurvis47 Bronze badge
        Flame

        Re: Learnings

        My particular bugbear at the moment is "di-sect". The word is "dis-sect", it has two esses in the middle. The american TV programmes are mainly to blame, they mangle this particular word, but don't similarly bastardise such words as dissent, dissemble, disseminate, dissident, etc., etc.. Makes me shudder and shout at the telly whenever it is uttered.

        1. Toltec

          Re: Learnings

          I wonder if they are confusing it with bisect?

      4. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge
        Headmaster

        Re: Learnings

        makes me shudder to read it, let alone here it!!!!!

        tsk.

      5. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

        Re: Learnings

        "learnings", makes me shudder to read i

        "I could care less"

        That's the real bad guy!

      6. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Learnings

        I have to say that's one of the Americanisms I hate with a vengeance "learnings", makes me shudder to read it, let alone here it

        I always assumed it was a British misspeak, like the way they pluralize math.

        1. Concerned of London

          Re: Learnings

          Maths is called maths because it is short for Mathematics, which as you will notice has an "s" on the end. That said I can also see the case for shortening to just "math" so I say each to their own, I understand what you are saying even if it offends my ear.

      7. sofaspud

        Re: Learnings

        I didn't realize it was an Americanism -- I rather thought it was from the other side of the pond, because absolutely *nobody* I know uses it (I'm American).

  1. OGShakes

    "Being employable in the motor industry as a speed bump"

    I had an apprentice hired somewhere years ago that could have described, he was hired because his dad was a big thing at a big customer.

    1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

      Re: "Being employable in the motor industry as a speed bump"

      That's nostalgia, the son of a boss being hired as an apprentice a a friends company - instead of being given the money to create his own blue-sky imagineering consultancy and games studio

  2. NBCanuck

    Welcome back!

    I've been going through BOFH withdrawal. Glad to have so many over a short period....and hoping to have them monthly again.

    1. Antonius_Prime

      Re: Welcome back!

      Monthly?! I remember when it was weekly!

      Those were good times...

  3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "I'll need a glass of water"

    Water? Is this some January detox thing?

    1. Wellyboot Silver badge
      Pint

      It clears the palate before a proper friday drink :)

      1. Chloe Cresswell

        Plus clearing the sick taste from your mouth with beer would be a waste of beer?

        1. Charlie Clark Silver badge
          Pint

          Only if you don't swallow.

          Doesn't it look good?

  4. Locky
    Coffee/keyboard

    Priority calling at Samaritans

    That's my "not laughing at jokes that will send me to hell" resolution broken then

    1. Huw D Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Priority calling at Samaritans

      The fact that there's only a Starway to Heaven but there's a Highway to Hell says a lot about traffic volumes.

      1. This post has been deleted by its author

  5. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    New year

    Same old BOFH

    Does anyone apart from him and the PFY survive an entire year working in the same building....

    Incidently I had a boss, fresh from uni, with a toff accent, RP english and the brains of a dead sparrow that had been run over by a road roller, got the job because he was the in the same college as the owner's son......... (cue much burbled rememberings.... )

    1. Joe W Silver badge

      Re: New year

      There was some story on ElReg end of last year by someone who actually was the BOFH's boss (and the bastardness did rub off on him, if I remember correctly, I passed a lot of recycled beer since then).

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge
        1. Tom 7 Silver badge

          Re: New year

          Coupla hundred grand please.

          1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

            Re: New year

            Sure thing. Just take your bank balance and convert it to Iranian Rial.

    2. Blackjack

      Re: New year

      The Janitor has been the same guy for twenty years. He not only knows were the bodies are buried, he knows everything because he has to deal with the literal trash.

      A fired techie might wipe the database in anger, a fired Janitor will make sure your life is Hell.

      He might not know much of computers but he has copies of all the keys in the building.

      He is the guy who they call to clean every mess, so he got blackmail by the truckloads. He might not know your browser search story but he is the one who saw the stains you left after work.

      Worse, most people do not even know the guy name, he is just the janitor for them.

      He is at work before they open and leaves hours after closing.

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: New year

        Who is Penry, the mild-mannered janitor?

        Could he be a secret super-hero?

        1. Blackjack

          Re: New year

          No, he just got screwed by the Internet Bubble and so he couldn't retire.

      2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: New year

        He is also, always, a relation of the BOFH, usually the dad.

  6. Captain Scarlet Silver badge
    Devil

    We just need to share more of ourselves

    Like go into a lift, pass wind as you exit and run because you don't actually work in that building.

  7. Antron Argaiv Silver badge
    Happy

    Posters with platitudes

    Philip has never visited the despair.com website, has he?

    "It could be that the purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others"

    "We're not paying you to believe in the power of your dreams. Get back to work."

    "Not everyone gets to be an astronaut"

    ...with appropriate images, of course.

    1. Kevin Johnston

      Re: Posters with platitudes

      I have introduced so many people to that site and the smile that lights up their face as they work through the posters brings a small tear to my eye

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Posters with platitudes

      My brother gave me one of their glass coffee mugs. It has a white line going round the middle of it, simply labled, "half empty".

      1. Alister Silver badge

        Re: Posters with platitudes

        The pessimist sees the glass as half-empty, the optimist sees it as half-full, and the engineer sees it as twice the size it needs to be.

        We see https://what-if.xkcd.com/6/

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Posters with platitudes

          Half full or half empty?

          Depends, are you filling it up or emptying it?

          1. Swarthy Silver badge
            Pint

            Re: Posters with platitudes

            Half Empty? Half Full?

            Nah, I'm half-way to my next drink.

          2. Dagg

            Re: Posters with platitudes

            Half full or half empty?

            Depends on what it contains.

            Warm school milk or beer...

        2. Blofeld's Cat
          Pint

          Re: Posters with platitudes

          Dear Optimist and Pessimist,

          While you were arguing over whether the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it.

          The Opportunist

        3. earl grey Silver badge
          Devil

          Re: Posters with platitudes

          And the arsehole says it's never empty; there's always something in it (you can't make a perfect vacuum).

      2. Terry 6 Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Posters with platitudes

        One of the (few) things my wife and I have in common is our "The glass is nearly half empty " attitude.

    3. Giles C

      Re: Posters with platitudes

      One of my favourite sites, and one of the best is

      SHOOT FOR THE MOON

      Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. Of course, then your eyeballs will boil and your lungs explode from decompression. But that's what you get for being a damn showoff.

      Bet we all work with someone this describes

      1. MichaelBirks

        Re: Posters with platitudes

        Not to mention the several thousand years it's take to reach the stars.

  8. Chris G Silver badge

    Psychonsultant

    All in all, Simon probably did Phillip a huge favour. After all he was at the top of his arc, having got his degree and an actual job, it would have been a downward curve from there so he was saved a lot of grief.

    1. Wellyboot Silver badge

      Re: Psychonsultant

      A downward arc with a defined endpoint 'was' provided by Simon.

    2. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Re: Psychonsultant

      I mis-read that as "saved a lot of golf.". Hmm...

  9. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    2020 ..... Just Another EMPhatic Year for Ground Zero 0Days.

    All the signs here in replies to the Director's wishes are most encouraging of further outrageous shenanigans in both Common Private and Communal Pirate Communications Fields.

    :-) Do you imagine it a near perfect fit for weirdos and misfits with odd skills as recently advertised as being considered for special service here .......... https://dominiccummings.com/2020/01/02/two-hands-are-a-lot-were-hiring-data-scientists-project-managers-policy-experts-assorted-weirdos/

    An Ageing Eton Mess is No Stranger to a Strawberry Field Fool, and that usually Results in the Need, Seed and Feed of a Major Systems ReBoot and Full Executive Administration Overhaul.

    Some would say that be tantamount to being certainly quite revolutionary ...... with others able to add and laud and applaud such as delivering quantum leap evolutionary too.

    cc dmc2.cummings at you know where.

  10. Chris King Silver badge
    Holmes

    "Philip is a consultant"

    And with those four words, we've already identified this week's first victim...

  11. Chris King Silver badge

    When "Pot Luck" actually puts you on the pot...

    "After the laxative cake of 2012 no one's going to take snacks from us," the PFY points out.

    I'm amazed they didn't go for a sedative-laxative combo... You'll shit yourself, but you won't give a shit about it.

    Add in a little LSD for extra effect - having someone screaming "CAN'T YOU SEE THAT BLOODY DRAGON ON THE BOARDROOM TABLE ?!" as they void themselves will live long in corporate memory...!

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: When "Pot Luck" actually puts you on the pot...

      LSD doesn't really have that kind of effect, mescalin on the other hand......

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