back to article Can't log into your TSB account? Well, it's your own fault for trying

I am a time-waster. And I hate people who waste my time. This means I know what I'm hating – have fun, all you amateur psychologists out there. I don't want to dither about but at least it's my own time I'm wasting. I am a procrastinator. That's not really the same as a time-waster, is it? Perhaps you could spend a few minutes …

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Re: Films that send you to sleep

Myra Breckinridge is dull enough for sleep, for an alleged comedy even for the weirdness in Hollywood that was 1970 it was pushing the envelope.

What stopped me from falling asleep and then walking out was the feeling of wanting to stalk and assassinate the cast even looking at Raquel Welch didn't alleviate the feeling.

Worst bloody film ever! ( along with quite a few others)

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Procrastination

There was no procrastination in my reading the article as soon as I saw it. Shame it was drivel.

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Re: Procrastination

Pass on my regards to your Mum!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Procrastination

That was 20 seconds of her life that she wasn't getting back.

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I wonder what all these people visiting bank branches are doing, I've had to go in about 2 times in five years. Once to my personal bank to pay in a cheque (the counter assistant was desperate to show me how I could do it at an ATM, till I pointed out that there is no chance I'll remember how to do it the next time I get a cheque in another 5 years) and once to my business bank to collect a new debit card as the first replacement was lost in the mail.

Anyway, if you want to see a truly bad film, watch Torque. As someone had the bright idea to take all the originality out of Point Break (not that there was a huge amount although it's an entertaining enough film) and remake it with cars as The Fast and The Furious, a second someone had the bright idea to remove even the vague semblance of plot in TFATF and remake it with motorcycles

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Coat

Curse you, Dabbsy

You have left me in a conundrum of terrifying inversiveness as the pressure is on to make this negative comment funny. Normally I'd just crank out some Pratchett or Adams reference based upon the article but given your challenge this feels insufficiently inventive for your challenge, as does my usual lazy sarcasm.

Given your usual subject material, there's the old cliché of being unable to perform under pressure but I'm as uncertain as if there were an excitable dog in a paddling pool of disembodied breasts looking at me in that particular way dogs have that lets you know that they don't like you whether that's even sufficient.

But writing this comment is definitely ten minutes of my life that I will never get back.

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Re: Curse you, Dabbsy

>>a paddling pool of disembodied breasts looking at me

Yikes - that's all. Yikes!

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By trying to access your account, you are making it harder for yourself to access your account

However you are making it easier for everyone else. As the caching server is a feeling a bit peaky, if it ever gets as far as reading your financial information from the back end, it'll randomly distribute it to everyone else trying to log in.

Genius.

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Happy

Last Year at Marienbad...

the description of the film (I have not seen it) suggests Herr and Frau Dabbs might also like Buñuel's The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie.

For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers.

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Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers.

For full acerebral mode, there's The Sex Lives of the Potato Men.

Only the knowledge that it was a tax scam prevents me from thinking the entire human race should be eradicated immediately.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

"The Sex Lives of the Potato Men."

Gave a whole new meaning to the name "Mr. Potato Head".

(No, not really. Saw five or ten minutes of it and it wasn't even charmingly bad, just dismal.)

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Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

"For a slightly less intellectual experience there is always Lesbian Vampire Killers."

Let me get this right.

Are these lesbians who for some reason kill vampires or people who slay vampire lesbians or lesbian vampires who kill people?

Inquiring minds etc.

Ah! Also a linky please?

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@Chris G

... who requested a linky.

Try this: Lesbian Vampire Killers

What, you don't want any combination of lesbian, vampire and killers in your search history??

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Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

... is an absolutely f***ing superb film

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Pint

Re: Last Year at Marienbad...

Wiki-clicky: Lesbian Vampire Killers.

"Critical reception: Reviews of the film were largely negative." I guess critics suffered from a lack of those ------>

In case Lesbian Vampire Killers is too artsy-intellectual for your taste, search for "Journey into Bliss" by Wenzel Storch.

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Re: @Chris G

@ Johnathan Richards 1

I didn't for one moment think it was a real film, thanks for the link.

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Anonymous Coward

"The breach affected a limited number of customer records..."

Yes, limited. All of them except one, the CEO Paul David Pester (PDP) because he got his money out early.

This well-publicized mess undoubtedly has led to the hackers pouncing on TSB with everything they have because they know no one is going to notice.

Well, not everything they have. No need to do a Denial of Service attack because that one was self-inflicted. As is the Distributed part, their customers making things even slower.

Or perhaps it's as simple as their upgrade has them running on PDP-11's? Or perhaps a pester has gotten into the code?

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Thumb Up

Muse Ik ?

As for music, Led Zep are solid, but I always thought of this song:

https://youtu.be/ZFjfa_RB6Pc

Obviously ...

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Celebration Day is one of the best gig films of all time. Of all time!

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> Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time. I've used good and bad, well-designed and pants, and plenty of painfully slow stuff – every version of Windows ever released, for example – but none of it has impacted on my longevity.

Dunno - all that sitting and watching the spinning hourglass isn't good for your health! Nor does it do your blood pressure any good to sit on hold while some poor tele-support person sits and waits for their computer to say No.

A couple of times in my career, I've reduced response times drastically for some big systems, via simple things like enabling gzip compression on the web-server, stripping down badly written templates or cleaning up badly written javascript.

In the most recent incident, the offending HTML/JS was sat on the main page of a CRM system in constant use by several hundred call-centre staff. Taking a chainsaw to this shaved several seconds off the load time, which then translated to several FTE per day in terms of time saved - and in the process, it made both staff and customers slightly happier as it had a measurable impact on call duration!

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Anonymous Coward

One of my customers rolled out a new system for the customer Help Line. The first question was "What is your post code". It then took literally several minutes for the system to do the look up.

In testing on the in-house LAN there hadn't been a problem. Unfortunately the Help Desk was at the end of a 2mbps WAN.

It transpired that someone had saved money by putting the post code look up database on the server in the data centre - needing only one licence. The thick client PCs therefore had to interrogate it with a large number of iterative requests to get their answer.

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"During the cold spell last month, calls to my gas boiler maintenance insurance hotline (Corgi Homeserve, if you must know) "

More fool you. Just find a reliable local boiler engineer. Yes there some.

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Just find a reliable local boiler engineer.

And that's easy because they ALL claim to be reliable.

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Re: Just find a reliable local boiler engineer.

"And that's easy because they ALL claim to be reliable."

Five minutes on the phone and a check at Companies House and I had a reliable and financially secure local HVAC engineer. It isn't really that hard.

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Just find a reliable local boiler engineer. Yes there some.

And, when they are at your house, working on your boiler, make sure to supply them with plenty of tea/coffee/biccies..

That way, their phone won't mysteriously fail to answer once they see your number calling them..

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"And, when they are at your house, working on your boiler, make sure to supply them with plenty of tea/coffee/biccies.."

One of the secrets to keeping good reliable trades. The other is always to always ask "is cash OK?" while reaching for your wallet.

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Facepalm

Hold on a minute!

When did Situation Publishing get a nice icon in the footer? Have I not been reading far enough down the page in the past?

Pretty. I like the look of that.

Well done.

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Coat

If at first you don't succeed...

I posted this a few days ago on the same subject, but it got pulled by the Moderator. I really don’t understand why. No profanity, no trolling. Just exceedingly mild satire. Perhaps it hit a nerve somewhere? I’ll give it another go and see what happens!

Fawlty Server Towers.

Overheard in the IT control room at TSB server farm, Monday 23rd April 2018, 11:17 BST (of course not, it’s just a bit of fun, okay?):

Sabadell manager: “We bring sweet food, is nice, you like!”

TSB techie: “That’s awfully kind of you but we’re a bit busy at the moment.”

Sabadell manager: “Qué?”

TSB techie: “We’ll have some of it later?”

Sabadell manager: “But is nice!”

TSB techie: “Well, okay then. That’s very generous of you. Look at all the doughnuts. Surely there’s too many doughnuts on those trays?”

Sabadell manager: “No, no, no. Not ‘on those trays’. Uno dos tres!”

And TSB lived happily ever after.

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That's 2.8 minutes of my life I'll never get back

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Proper time wasting

Alistair, you need the pub asap.Consider this a prescription.

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Pint

Movie time

The Adventures of Baron Munchausen was enjoyed? Out of the 3 (the others being CE3K and The Fisher King) I'd have thought that was the least likely to be enjoyed. I like it but that's because I like Gilliam's work. And it has Uma Thurman in it.

I've just borrowed and watched Aliens, Total Recall and John Carpenter's The Thing. And now I recall why I haven't bought my own copy of these exciting 1980's (loosely speaking) films.

Perhaps someone could enlighten me as to why a commercial space tug has a 'self-destruct' mechanism? And assuming a logical reason can be made for such a device, why does activating it fill all the corridors leading away from the control room with steam? And how come the escape shuttle won't take 4 people when there were 7 members in the crew?

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Trollface

Re: Movie time

I think movie makers everywhere love steam. It’s a surprisingly common phenomena in the movie world. Especially in American street scenes at night. Not that I’m implying that Hollywood is a load of hot air.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Movie time

"Not that I’m implying that Hollywood is a load of hot air.""

Cue Marilyn Monroe.

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Re: Movie time

"I think movie makers everywhere love steam. It’s a surprisingly common phenomena in the movie world. Especially in American street scenes at night."

It makes dressing the set easier and cuts down on the special effects bill, especially when filming in, say, Vancouver and the show is set in, say, Chicago. Darkness and fog/steam hides a multitude of sins.

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This post has been deleted by its author

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Windows

To be fair....

I probably would have wasted those 10 minutes anyway......

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Rol

Happy belated anniversary Dabbs

I do believe "backdoor man" alludes to the underhand art of cuckolding, as in. "Jesus! It's my husband. Quick! Leave by the backdoor". Well, that was Zeps take on it - "Come in my front door, hear my backdoor slam"

Then again if your back door slams as you're coming in the front door you might want to avail yourself of the services of a proctologist.

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Re: Happy belated anniversary Dabbs

The Jim Morrison / doors version of Howlin Wolfs (Willie Dixon wroteIIRC) Backdoor Man leaves you in no doubt it's about cuckery

But sang by whoever a few key lyrics:

"The men don't know, but the little girls understand"

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Anonymous Coward

What you have all failed to spot

Is that Dabsy has set us up precisely to become the problem if we complain.

Whatever we say, the commentards (aka customers) will be wasting his time in a nice circular argument.

Sorry Dabsy but that's the sort of tactic Mr Trump uses in order to stifle any debate.

Nevertheless I applaud your observation and description, and indeed diversion, from our own opinions being heard.

:)

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"Surprisingly, perhaps, I can't ever recall a piece of software that was a waste of time."

Even this Yank has installed Monty Pythons Complete Waste of Time.

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why not do a review of banks?

It would be great to do a comparison of British banks. There aren't many to choose from so it wouldn't be too time consuming!

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This post has been deleted by its author

Anonymous Coward

Six years, wow, I've just done the math and that's like 6 x 10 so 60 minutes which is an hour so I could have had up to three shits in that time.

Keep up the good work good sir.

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Re: Six years

That's six years of weekly columns, less Augusts and Christmases.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Six years

So that's 46 x 10 x 6 / 60 = 46 / 3 = Up to 15.3 Recurring shits. Not sure how I feel about the recurring part.

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You bastard!

By the way, it's been six years

Now I'm feeling old :doh:

by definition you work in the (Computer Systems Frequently Go) Tits Up industry

Parodying the War Nerd, I say we should just drop the façade and call IT the Department of “Whoops!”

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Re: You bastard!

The passing of a mere six years makes you feel old? You must be very young ...

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Re: You bastard!

If only! I just had the feeling it was last year, and I'm realizing 6 years have passed...

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Re: You bastard!

If only! I just had the feeling it was last year, and I'm realizing 6 years have passed...

As my father would say: "5 minutes on hot stove seems like a 5 hours. 5 hours with a beautiful woman seems like 5 minutes." So process the timescale accordingly.

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minutes

Isn't standard reading speed about 250 words per minute? Then 100 wpm is on the slow side, but not unreasonable for complex prose. AD should be grateful that his readers take the same care with his prose that they would with, I dunno, Locke or Russell, perhaps.

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