back to article BOFH: Give me a lever long enough and a fool, I mean a fulcrum and ....

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns "We put a fair amount of time into ideation sessions in an attempt to leverage your company's commercial value against the prevailing market perception," the suit says. ... "Just, ah, back that up a little there – you put a fair amount of time into what now?" the PFY asks. " …

        1. Bill M

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          Could be worse, you could actually be a septic.

        2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          half of them think you're an Aussie roo botherer

          I'm reminded of the rule of identifying people from small countries next to big ones:

          If unsure about Aus or NZ, suggest NZ. The Aussies will laugh and correct you and the Kiwis will be proud that you got it right. Same holds for Canada and the US.

          Just don't try it for Scotland and England..

          1. Black Betty

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            Aussies will laugh and correct you obscenely.

          2. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            TBH I tend to make a point of "confusing" New Zealanders with Australians and Canadians with Americans. Also Belgians with French. Because it's so much more fun. And when they splutter and protest I tell them it's all the same place really.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              Just don't ever call a Korean Japanese. The results can be fatal. I'm serious.

            2. Marshalltown

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              Glance at BBC News. One of the Sections is "US and Canada." I rather wonder what the typical Canadian thinks of that. Being from south of the border, my experiences in Canada never involved even needing a passport. I did get an RCMP officer a little aggravated once, but that was settled by backing away from the border crossing to a pull out and cooking and eating the sweet corn we were carrying.

            3. rskurat

              Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

              And Austria is part of Germany, right?

          3. Scroticus Canis
            Happy

            Re: Just don't try it for Scotland and England..

            Sage advice, a heed to the nose or a punch in the face do tend to offend.

          4. Alan Brown Silver badge

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            "small countries next to big ones"

            For some values of "next to"

            That small stretch of water in between Australia and New Zealand represents the same distance you'll find between London and Moscow.

          5. mdubash

            Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

            'Cept of course, Canada is way way bigger than the US (do USanians know that?).

        3. tony trolle
          Happy

          Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

          lot more than half, 80% I would guess.

          Still find Americans saying chimney funny

      1. Ken 16 Silver badge
        Trollface

        Re: cellphone, mobile, handy

        After working in Germany, I find 'Handy' really...useful.

    1. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

      It was for the managers benefit....

    2. storner
      Trollface

      Whatever ...

      Friend of mine called a support droid about some problem. "Do you have an Iphone or a smartphone"?

      Somehow that does kind of make sense...

    3. Chemical Bob
      Coat

      Re: cellphone?

      They're used in jails.

      Mine's the one with a carphone in the pocket...

    4. Patched Out
      Headmaster

      To be precise, a cell phone is a phone that relies on cellular communications, as opposed to a satellite phone, which does not. Both of which are "mobile phones". I also have a wireless phone in my house, which also could be called a "mobile" phone.

  1. Unicornpiss Silver badge
    Happy

    Decruitment..

    It gladdened my heart (incremented my joy quotient) that Simon and the PFY leveraged the suit's lifespan reduction action plan. (de-twatified the situation) I hope enough lime or a suitable recycling site was acquired so the remains don't gameify.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Pint

      Re: Decruitment..

      Sir, I salute you! For gameify you deserve many an upvote. Hope you enjoy your Friday beer.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Decruitment..

      As this is Vulture Central, the remains will not gameify.

      The remains have been leveraged to foodify the free soaring assets.

    3. Karl Vegar

      Re: Decruitment..

      No need for neither lime nor carpets.

      This was a clear case of a workplace accident. Some old (UPS?) unit being decommissioned, accidentally slipped out the window at an (in)opportune moment. On the bright side, the cushioning saved the footpath.

  2. chivo243 Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Stone soup contract

    The extras keep on coming...

    So, it seems that the "new boss" who bossplains, is not a target....

    yet...

    1. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

      Re: Stone soup contract

      bossplains is my favorite new term

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

        ... and so I can now safely assume that bossplaining is not the same as bofhsplaining, even if they do sound rather similar...

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

          "bossplaining is not the same as bofhsplaining"

          Of course they're different. Only one of them involves cattle-prods, rolls of carpet and quicklime.

          1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

            Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

            Bossplains sounds a bit like what might happen if you dropped a overripe melon from about 5 storeys high onto tarmac.

          2. Montreal Sean

            Re: bossplains is my favorite new term

            Actually, I think you'll find that both terms can involve cattle prods, carpet rolls and quick lime.

            Just from different perspectives. :)

      2. acousticm

        Re: Stone soup contract

        decruitment would be mine.

  3. AstroNutter
    Black Helicopters

    I like the new boss

    That makes him dangerous. I do hope that Simon and the PFY are keeping a very close watchful eye out. I sense that he may need to go on a nice long vacation at some point in the future. (on a building site maybe)

    1. Dave Ross

      Re: I like the new boss

      I hear that concrete suit linings are very "in" this season...

    2. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Re: I like the new boss

      Depend on whether this new boss is a danger to the IT crew or to other boss' sections.

      Could get quite interesting (in the Chinese curse sense) to be in a pincer movement by a top executive and some world-savvy IT "specialists".

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: I like the new boss

        I suspect that the new boss may soon be removed and replaced with a simple software implementation of his former role:

        http://www.fatsquirrel.org/veghead/software/bollocks/

        This implements /dev/bollocks, the first kernel module to wear a suit (even if only metaphorically).

      2. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

        Quite Interesting in Deed, indeed ...... and for Many, Quite Terrifying, MeThinks.

        Could get quite interesting (in the Chinese curse sense) to be in a pincer movement by a top executive and some world-savvy IT "specialists". .... Paul Crawford

        Messing about in leaky boats on Flowing Rivers of Info and Intel with SMARTR Native Patrolling of Pirate and Private Enterprises providing Security and Safe Harbours is not a Great AI Game to be trifled with, PC, given the dire consequences available for delivery whenever programs are displaying failure. ........ https://forums.theregister.co.uk/forum/1/2018/03/23/deepmind/#c_3465550

        Or perhaps you do not believe you a simply complex series of mouse clicks away from/for Almighty Power with Global Operating Devices and thus condemn yourself to be just a Passive Impassive Future Spectator rather than Leading State and/or Non State Actor in Upcoming Events Being Unfurled.

  4. 27escape

    Spot on

    A classic in the making

  5. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    "He means indicators of client use of the website," the Boss bossplains. "So tell me, how would this be done?"

    Lovely new word. Bossplains. Maybe I'll be able to use it in future.

    1. Anonymous Custard Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Indeed, that and decruitment I think both are worthy additions to the lexicon...

  6. BebopWeBop Silver badge
    Devil

    The Boss seems to have learnt all about effective, safe and (possibly) non incriminating delegation.

  7. Ken 16 Silver badge
    Pint

    Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

    Any suggestions for a modern Agile, IAAS enabled version of it?

    1. Munchausen's proxy
      Pint

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

      "Any suggestions for a modern Agile, IAAS enabled version of it?"

      Thought leader.

    2. Montreal Sean

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated?

      LARTAAS of course.

    3. TrumpSlurp the Troll
      Trollface

      Re: Isn't it time for LART to get updated? IAAS?

      Is that Injury As A Service?

  8. Andrew Moore Silver badge

    Nearly similar situation...

    I had a client ask me to investigate a project "and revert". So I set the whole thing back to the previous version. When they complained I pointed out the email said to revert. They tried to explain that meant "respond"; to which I asked "well why not use the word 'respond' then?"

    1. Bob Wheeler

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".

      In their education system they still teaching English based upon the Victorian ear standard.

      1. Swarthy Silver badge
        Holmes

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        When dealing with off-shore support, I often see the phrase "please revert" and "do the needful".
        Why on earth do they feel the need to send an e-mail to request that you "do the needful"? I find that a couple of cups of coffee or lunch from the cheap dive down the way makes that e-mail quite redundant.

        Speaking of which....

        1. Unicornpiss Silver badge

          Doing the needful..

          Whenever I hear the phrase "Do the needful" I either picture:

          -A charity-driven prostitution program

          -A 70s-era disco dance (sing along to "Do the Hustle!")

      2. Nitallica

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        If someone requests "do the needful" of me, I'm off to a bar. My definition of "needful" involves ice and vodka.

        1. DropBear Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Nearly similar situation...

          I guess I could be persuaded to "do the needful" but it would heavily depend on whether said needful is a he or a she, and a few other factors...

      3. ShadowDragon8685

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        In fairness, every time I binge the collected works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (leaving out the tail-ending ones where AC. Doyle himself was buying into malarkey and it started to show,) a new Victorianism enters my lexicon.

        I have confused a fair few waitresses and waiters (collectively, waitstaff or waitpersons, but to the best of my knowledge every individual encountered was precisely one of those two and had not need to correct me upon my first impression,) by explaining in terms which I considered not uncertain that I wished for there to be no pink spots whatever in my grilled meat products. (Red is right out.)

    2. jonathan keith

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      That client deserves everything that's coming to them, possibly including an extended stay in a re-education camp.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Nearly similar situation...

      Was your client a barrister? I had the same confusion when being given some advice from our learned freind. it lead to some very confusing emails.

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge

        Re: Nearly similar situation...

        Sometimes the legal profession really do excel in terms of stupid expressions. A very good example would be a judge who, when summing up a case where two young men were convicted of outraging public decency, told them to "Get a grip and pull themselves together", which was pretty much what they'd just been found guilty of doing, albeit in public.

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