back to article Suspected drug dealer who refused to poo for 46 DAYS released... on bail

A suspected drug dealer's bowels have won out over Essex cops after he was released from custody by resisting the urge to poo for 46 days. Lamarr Chambers, 24, was arrested in the UK town of Harlow, in Essex, on 17 January for failing to stop his car and on suspicion of intent to supply Class A drugs, which cops believed he …

    1. Omgwtfbbqtime Silver badge
      Mushroom

      Re: "the hospital treatment he needs"...

      Dr Picolax, Dr Picolax, calling Dr Picolax...

  1. chivo243 Silver badge

    Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

    The bags or condoms have not ruptured and consequences of an overdose...

    1. Adam 52 Silver badge

      Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

      El Reg keeps saying swallowed. Essex plod don't say that. It's not impossible that they were swallowed but much more likely inserted anally.

      See also

      https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/mvkeg8/in-which-it-turns-out-shoving-kinder-eggs-full-of-heroin-up-your-bum-is-a-bad-idea

      http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-39976258

      https://www.coventrytelegraph.net/news/local-news/teen-kinder-egg-drug-dealer-14185338

      And numerous others.

      1. Alistair Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        ahhhhhhHA!

        Now we know why kinder eggs are illegal in the US.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

          The chocolate is horrible.

      2. HieronymusBloggs Silver badge

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        "https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/mvkeg8/in-which-it-turns-out-shoving-kinder-eggs-full-of-heroin-up-your-bum-is-a-bad-idea"

        Whoever did that deserves a smacked bottom.

      3. Alan Brown Silver badge

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        "And numerous others."

        Too many people have been reading Papillion. :/

    2. Kernel

      Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

      "The bags or condoms have not ruptured and consequences of an overdose..."

      Or, as a previously unmentioned alternative, PC Plod have got it wrong again and there are no drugs.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        Or, as a previously unmentioned alternative, PC Plod have got it wrong again and there are no drugs.

        If there were no drugs, why wouldn't he just poop and prove it? That's like suggesting if you were caught holding a knife covered in the blood of the victim, with the victim having written "Kernel did it" in his blood on the wall next to him before dying might have meant "Kernel tried to save me by chasing off the real killer and that's why he's holding the knife".

        1. Berny Stapleton

          Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

          > If there were no drugs, why wouldn't he just poop and prove it?

          Just to stick it to the man, he might not be clean, but if he's been suspected of a couple of minor things and the police keep following him around trying to catch him up, maybe he's sick of the harrassment and wants to take them on? If they've held him, locked him up, under protest... this whole time ....and there's nothing... can you imagine what he's going to get out of this in settlement?

          He might just be that f***ed off

          1. Wensleydale Cheese Silver badge

            Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

            "If they've held him, locked him up, under protest... this whole time ....and there's nothing... can you imagine what he's going to get out of this in settlement?"

            Many years ago some local villains were locked up for a weekend after being identified by an eye-witness to one of their thefts.

            They asked for a trial by jury, so got let off to save on costs.

            They managed to claim x quid per day for wrongful detention. It wasn't a huge sum but it was a real kick in the teeth for their victims who'd had thousands of pounds of goods nicked.

      2. collinsl

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        Then he could have pooed in custody and been released weeks ago.

    3. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

      "The bags or condoms have not ruptured"

      It's my understanding that opiates cause constipation. A 'slow leak' would assist him in his "protest".

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

        It's my understanding that opiates cause constipation

        Depends on the opiate and how long you have been taking it.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Lamarr, Lucky to be alive

      I read this subject line and now I can’t get the tune to “Born, born to be alive” out of my head, grrr...

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    I suppose they decided they might need to use the cell again and if they didn't get him out of there in time the next prisoner might complain of cruel and unusual punishment.

  3. Andy The Hat Silver badge

    Probably find they believe a package has split and his health is now at serious risk. I believe someone held out for 70 or so days before passing the goods on to waiting (but slightly distant and well protected) officers ...

  4. hplasm Silver badge
    Coat

    It's...

    ...still a bum rap!

    *badum -tish*

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: It's...

      Shouldn't that be:

      *badum -tush*

      I'll get my coat.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Why release him now? Something tells me the case against him has gone down the crapper.

  6. Bill M

    Full of Shit

    He is certainly full of shit.

  7. Philip Stott

    As far as I know, unless they get him sectioned under mental health act, they still can't force treatment on him.

    1. Ken Hagan Gold badge

      Assuming, as we must, that he is innocent of the offence, refusing to poop for so many weeks that you are likely to end up dead as a result is pretty hard evidence that your life is at risk from your mental problems.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Coulkd have been worse

    if he had been detained for refusing to handover a password.

    1. monty75

      Re: Coulkd have been worse

      Obviously you should keep your password in an easily digestible form. Brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "password dump"

    2. Adam 1 Silver badge

      Re: Coulkd have been worse

      Bastards

  9. Dr Who

    Guilty

    The guy is obviously a pro. Getting arrested and chucked in a cell would scare the shit out of me.

    1. Montreal Sean

      Re: Guilty

      He's a hardened criminal!

  10. Making Bacon

    Liquid laxative in his food and drink

    Then stand well back and put the ventilation fans on ..!

    1. bombastic bob Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Liquid laxative in his food and drink

      chocolate Ex-Lax would do it - for "desert" with his meals

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    A very old, similarly themed joke from my childhood

    A team of three scientists, approaching the end of their research project, unexpectedly found that they still had some money left over so decided to spend it on a little private experiment of their own.

    The experiment they decided upon was to see what would happen if they bunged up an elephants bumhole with a cork. They acquired a suitable elephant and devised a quick-release mechanism that would keep the cork in place until they decided to release it, and started the experiment.

    After two months of nothing notable happening, the scientists decided that, for the elephant's sake, they'd better release the cork but the the trouble was, in view of the amount of poo that was likely to come out, none of the three scientists were willing to get close enough to the release mechanism to activate it.

    The solution that they came up with was to get a chimpanzee and train it to approach the elephant and activate the release. This took another month.

    Finally, the day came when everything was ready; the first, most brave and curious of the scientists decided that standing 10 yards away from the elephants bottom would be safe enough whilst giving the best view of events. The second of the scientists wasn't so brave and positioned himself* twentry yards away, and the third scientist, who was a bit of a scaredy cat, decided that thirty yards was a more prudent distance.

    The first and closest scientist released the chimpanzee who, following its training, scampered over to the elephant and activated the release mechanism, upon which, a veritable deluge of poo came out, burying the closest scientist up to his neck. The second and more distant scientist was buried up to his waist and the third up to his knees.

    The third scientist was able to wade out of the poo, get a shovel, and dig his way to the second scientist, to free him. They then both looked at the first scientist, who although still buried up to his neck in elephant poo, was laughing hysterically.

    Pausing only to get another shovel, the two freed scientists dug their way to the first scientist, who was still laughing, and managed to free him, asking why he was laughing. All he could manage to say, between giggles, was "You should have seen that chimpanzee trying to put the cork back in"

    * Of course they were men - women wouldn't do anything so silly.

    1. John H Woods Silver badge

      Re: A very old, similarly themed joke from my childhood

      A veritable blast from the past

    2. Havin_it

      Re: A very old, similarly themed joke from my childhood

      After such an interminable set-up, I really was expecting a funny punchline. I sort of feel as if I should be calling the OFT or the ASA or someone about this.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: A very old, similarly themed joke from my childhood

      Way way way back in the day, when we first heard this joke, it was a Polish town's councilors and a pig played the part of the town's mascot. The reason for the bunghole plugging was to quell the ever growing cost of cleaning up pig poo all the time. The more they cleaned, the more there was. After a town meeting, a monkey was trained to apply the plug. Later the same monkey was retrained to remove the plug after the pig had outgrown its pen and was close to outgrowing the town square. After the removal of the plug and subsequent investigation into the shitsplosion, the punchline was the same and the monkey was traumatized for life.

    4. PNGuinn
      Facepalm

      @LeeE Re: A very old, similarly themed joke from my childhood

      Hmmm Interesting ...

      I don't know how long you've been coming here ... but you've left out the vital bit of experimental data that all commentards Need to Know:

      WAS IT A PERFECTLY SMOOTH ELEPHANT?.

      I call pachyderm sh*t.

  12. sisk Silver badge
    Joke

    I would imagine that after 46 days he probably felt pretty shitty.

    1. JustWondering

      Pretty much fed up.

  13. This post has been deleted by its author

  14. StuntMisanthrope Bronze badge

    Zen and the Art of Lamping!

    I reckoned I’ve got this record beat. After a nasty juvenile sporting injury, weeks in traction and self administered opioids. A comely nurse proffered a greased finger. This did the trick of course, but I’m not sure who was more surprised, me or the orderly when the rapid fire pellet evacuation cracked the porcelain and the puddle ensued. #itwaslikethatbeforehonest #oneperdaykeepsthedoctoraway

  15. 404 Silver badge

    TMI

    I don't know how he did it - I'm so regular, I'd be physically sick by the end of Day 2.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: TMI

      So am I, I go like clockwork at 6 every morning.

      Only trouble is I wake up at 7:30

  16. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    Why not X-ray?

    Instead of waiting all that time, why not simply use an X-ray or other non-invasive way of looking inside him? I believe that condoms full of drugs show up perfectly well on an X-ray.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Why not X-ray?

      Because: (pick one or more or roll your own):

      a) No one thought of it.

      b) A bit of a power struggle between the prisoner and the plod.

      c) The plod had a betting pool running for how long the guy could hold it in.

      1. Adam 1 Silver badge

        Re: Why not X-ray?

        (d) Having no* onsite x-ray machine means a shed load of paperwork** if someone needs to be hospitalised.

        (e) the whole "not supposed to expose your prisoners to ionising radiation***" thing.

        *At least none designed for a human.

        **I am pretty confident in this guess.

        ***although I imagine that at least some of the cell's walls are made of bricks.

    2. collinsl

      Re: Why not X-ray?

      Legally not allowed to force him to be inspected as it counts as a medical procedure.

  17. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
    Coat

    BJ - Big Job

    That statement from Essex Police refers to "Deputy Chief Constable BJ Harrington".

  18. DougS Silver badge

    So the police want the hospital to do their "dirty work"?

    Is the guy free to refuse treatment if the hospital wants to give him a laxative, or whatever they do for someone who hasn't pooped in 46 days?

    It isn't clear to me if the reason the guy hasn't pooped is because he's been starving himself, or just gone on a liquid diet and refusing to eat solid food. Not having pooped in 46 days might be a health issue depending on why that is, but starving or nearly starving oneself would be. If the hospital gives him IV nutrition, and he refuses solid food or laxatives, what then? Get him healthy and then back to jail?

  19. JustWondering
    Meh

    Meh

    It won't make much difference whether he is in jail or a hospital, in the end.

  20. Bob Dole (tm)
    WTF?

    Ex lax

    Do you guys not have ex lax over there? This could have been solved in an afternoon.

    1. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: Ex lax

      "Do you guys not have ex lax over there?"

      Force feeding it to him would guarantee that any charges he faced would be voided and the people responsible for the action would be facing serious jailtime themselves.

      It's funny that the country with a constitution guaranteeing a bunch of inalienable rights is the one which regards breaching them as acceptable for certain classes of people.

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