back to article BOFH: Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns It's late on Friday afternoon and I’m having a couple of quiet beers with one of the local salesdroids. Ordinarily the only reason I’d do this is that (a) they’re paying and (b) there’s a tube station relatively near that has extremely poor CCTV coverage. It usually starts with me …

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IIRC, Stephen already has a PFY-mobile.

(Vintage Ford Escort with a layer of concrete in the boot.)

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But doesn't that reduce the amount of space to store a body, a shovel, a roll of carpet and a bag of lime ?

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Happy

It's more important to be able to spin the steering and do an instant 180deg turn when being pursued.

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Pretty sure the BOFH mobile has already been a thing in the past.

Also, Crazy Dave is in no way a SFH (Salesdroid From Hell). He's wayy too bad at handling his booze for that. If he was a true Bastard, he'd be trying to drink Simon under the table, manipulate him into buying their magnificent PDU's that are rated for 20 amps but can actually go up to 30 then use the signature on the form to order enough kit to outfit the entire NHS three times a year for the next 30 years. Meanwhile his underling would be trying to use the PUBG humiliation to his advantage and blackmail the PFY into giving up even more of the (already long gone) company budget.

The BOFH and PFY would wake up in the middle of a giant warehouse full of the most craptastic and outdated kit this side of the galaxy, only finding a sales order taped to the door with enough fine print to make it a lawyers wet dream and pretty much inescapable. THEN they'd find they were 3 cities over at the back of some long abandoned industrial estate, their house keys are gone, as are their cars, wallets, shoes and phones. The closing comment of the story would be: "Of course you know this means war!"

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You forgot the ancient Transit van with numerous "war wounds" from traffic :D

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But doesn't that reduce the amount of space to store a body, a shovel, a roll of carpet and a bag of lime ?

I read you'd book the company van for that

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"The BOFH and PFY would wake up in the middle of a giant warehouse full of the most craptastic and outdated kit this side of the galaxy..."

"What the hell ? We're back in the office !"

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Alert

The BOFH once had one...

The BOFH used to have the Bastardmobile (at least in his fantasies), but it's probably not running anymore.

You can read that episode here.

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BOFH junior in the PFY

I'm pretty sure Stephan's pushing 30 by now. Maybe 35. I'm pretty sure he's neither a youth nor a junior at this point. Honestly he should really be contemplating his own unbreakable contract as a senior systems engineer at this point. And he probably would be if he weren't still paying penance for trying and failing to off Simon a while back.

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Devil

@Geekpride

Either Dogbert the consultant or Catbert the HR director would fit right in.

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>I'm pretty sure Stephan's pushing 30 by now. Maybe 35.

I think he must be at least 40, given he first appears in early 1996 when Simon was still working at the university:

http://bofharchive.com/1996/bastard96-03.html

(Was 'Stephen' still a common name for newborn boys in NZ after 1980? I'm pretty sure it wasn't in the US...)

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Were the original uni based stories really that far back? Damn, I feel old now....

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PFY incarnations

I'm pretty sure the current PFY is not the original PFY.

If memory serves, didn't one graduate and move to another company?

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"I read you'd book the company van for that"

Not forgetting to forge the PHBs name on the booking form.

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Re: PFY incarnations

"If memory serves, didn't one graduate and move to another company?"

I remember reading an episode where he did exactly that, with a pay rise, then some desperate reason to bring him back was discovered, he came back, at an enhanced salary.

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Re: @Geekpride

So you'd like Simon and Scott Adams to do a crossover, cultural exchange, site visits and all that? What would dogbert do to PFY? What would BofH do to Wally, or PHB ?

*boggle*

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Chekhov's PDU

“They looked fairly sturdy,” The PFY sighs.

“Oh yeah, you could beat someone to death with them but you wouldn’t want to use one,” Dave blurts.

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Re: Chekhov's PDU

Although, does it still count as an application of Checkov's if the characters actually discuss the gun and its firing? I thought his rule was all about implicit foreshadowing?

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TRT
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Re: Chekhov's PDU

Oh, cheers! I have now been and read about Chekov's gun.

I was reading it thinking "Chekov's Law of foreshadowing in drama and acting??? Do they mean this? But Chekov doesn't even so much as exchange a glance with Sulu during that bit... How can that foreshadow what happened to him?"

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"“EOL sounds so much better than RECALL doesn’t it?”"

That one had me laughing out loud.

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Quiet beers?

Oh, quiet beers sound absolutely lovely. Mine are always so freakin' loud, and they just will NOT shut up! "You're a failure!" "You'll never amount to anything!" "You paid $100,000 for a degree you'll never use!" SHUT UP BEERS! I could get a boyfriend, if I wanted that kind of helpful input.

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Re: Quiet beers?

Sounds like you've been on the bitter beer. Try some mild ale in future.

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Re: Quiet beers?

I think it's me who's bitter, not my beers.

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For those More Genius than Crazy ..... for a'Pondering Weekends :-)

“The one RICK showed you had the guts replaced – no breakers, copper contacts,” Dave insists.

“He said we could trial one?” I ask, recalling a section of his presentation.

For Quantum Communications? In the New Way of Doing IntelAIgent Business Machinery is One Trial AIMaster Piloting.

PerArduaadAstra@UrService for MOD Special Operations

cc The Rt Hon Gavin Williamson CBE MP

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Silent treatment

Our rep from a Huge Peripherals and Equipment supplier liked doing final closures on the phone (That's the bit where they pile on the very expensive extra stuff onto a basic proposal that you had already discussed with them in previous meetings, and send you a "final contract" to approve). His technique was to go silent on a sticking point - The theory was that you (the punter) would fill the silence by agreeing the extras. It took me a couple of calls before I realised what he was doing, so I started doing the silent treatment back to him. My best call was after about 30 seconds of silence when his nerve cracked and I heard "Hello, Hello!, HELLO!!". I apologized and said. "Sorry, I had to cover the mouthpiece - My colleague wondered if I could take an urgent call on the other line from Some Unbelievably Nice supplier, as he thought I was on hold". After that his phone calls were just to arrange meetings, or "courtesy calls" to check that the kit had been delivered and installed.

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Re: Silent treatment

Silence is also the best way to deal with cold callers. "That sounds just what I need. Can you hold the line a moment, I'm just talking to someone who called at the door. Shouldn't be long.". Press mute. Hang up when the phone starts whining.

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Anonymous Coward

Must be getting old

Enjoyed the story all the way down to the last few paragraphs which read like gibberish so had to Google PUBG, S12K and "deep-sixed" to work out where the story had gone. I must be getting old.

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Brilliant as always

Says it all.

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I keep trying to be more puerile, but my efforts keep turning to crap.

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Pint

Server Farms in the form factor of Baseboard Electric Heaters

Re. hot....servers

Thermostat calls for heat, applies power (or signal) to Server Farm / Heater. It immediately goes online (Ethernet cable, or WiFi) to auction its computational horsepower. At the same time it folds proteins and searches for alien signals for charity (because: Must. Make. Heat.). Etc. Obvious.

If this concept is implemented, then CPU cycles will be nearly free in winter. Or shared cost with heat.

Seems daft not to implement it. There's only about an order of magnitude price gap between a 1kw heater and 1kw worth of CPUs.

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Anonymous Coward

Maybe I didn't get it...

... Is the article a joke or real? Surely its fraud and you just simple report the sales people.

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Re: Maybe I didn't get it...

Hi, AC, you must be new here.

The Bastard Operator from Hell is a litany of stories of El Reg's time on the LHC to look into an alternate universe. The Bastard's universe is much like ours, but ever-so-slightly more sociopathic, where all forms of law enforcement and regulatory agencies are just, generally, somewhat more inept than here.

In that universe, you very often have to take matters into your own hands, and murder is a not-infrequent way for the BOfH and his assistant to keep things running.

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