back to article UK copyright troll weeps, starts 20-week stretch in the cooler for beating up Uber driver

The owner of a firm involved in sending speculative invoices to suspected downloaders is in trouble of his own after being convicted of a brutal assault on an Uber driver outside an exclusive London members-only club. Robert Croucher, MD of consultancy Hatton & Berkeley, wept in the dock after being found guilty of pushing …

"Maybe it's time to explain to this reporter why his painkillers don't seem to help? "

And why he can't fit his bread int he toaster. And why his DVD player keeps melting the disks.

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Coat

Song title

With sincere apologies to Whale, how about Uber Kicking Inmate Slave?

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Re: Song title

Since he's one of yours, I'd think you'd want to make it fit UKIP - Uber Kicking Ignorant Prick, maybe?

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Re: Song title

Not many Whale fans on here. +1 for effort.

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Re: Song title

Splendid reference. One of my favourite songs from the 80s. +1.

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"Get used to life being different."

Let's hope one of his new friends was related to a recipient of one of his letters.

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Happy

Re: "Get used to life being different."

He'd better make sure he never drops the soap.

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Re: "Get used to life being different."

He'd better make sure he never drops the soap.

Sadly he'll only do a few nights in proper clink. Because the Home Office don't have enough real jail capacity he'll quickly be classified as a low risk white collar type, and be transferred to an open prison, and he'll be out on day release in about three weeks, and the sentence will be rolled back to release on parole after nine or ten weeks.

Personally I don't think that's much punishment given that he conducted an unprovoked assault with clear potential to be fatal, but the judge doesn't have much leeway because of the HO sentencing guidelines.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "Get used to life being different."

I suspect the punishment that will really hurt is being blacklisted from all the upmarket clubs, and I'm sure that has already happened - they all know each other.

I suspect it's also far from certain he'll be able to use another Uber cab - or even a normal black cab. There's a reason they put his picture in the article ..

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "Get used to life being different."

The fines are also a joke if he's telling truth about owning three properties in Mayfair. He'll find the £615 down the back of his sofa.

I think there is much to be admired in the nordic fine model. Link the charge to earnings, so someone earning the UK average of around £25k may pay £500 but somone making £1 million would pay £20,000 (0.02% of gross salary)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "Get used to life being different."

He'll probably do eight weeks in a category B prison, then a month on a tag that monitors his location so he's under a curfew. Crimes against the person means he won't be eligible for an open prison - cat B means almost total lockdown in pretty squalid conditions. (Posting anonymously as I speak from experience).

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Re: "Get used to life being different."

"Because the Home Office don't have enough real jail capacity he'll quickly be classified as a low risk white collar type"

This is ABH. He's not going to be classified as low risk anytime soon - and if the entitled wanker gets out early you can guarantee he'll feel that it gives him free rein to do it again.

Much as I'd like to see him go in for longer, it's a first offence and sentencing guidelines don't allow it unless he caused permanent injuries. On the other hand _next_ time he won't be let off so easily - and there _will_ be a next time (may have been previous times, but CCTV not around to capture it).

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

Even scum don't deserve jokes about male rape.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

Even scum don't deserve jokes about male rape.

Not the jokes, no.

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

"Even scum don't deserve jokes about male rape."

I have to agree. This unpleasant trend seems to have come from the US where a vengeful attitude to criminal justice is common.

The late Auberon Waugh had a much better idea; send violent criminals to a remote Scottish island where they would have to live on a diet of organic brown rice and vegetables and learn Buddhism and meditation.

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

'The late Auberon Waugh had a much better idea; send violent criminals to a remote Scottish island where they would have to live on a diet of organic brown rice and vegetables and learn Buddhism and meditation.'

And live with the consequences of near-terminal communal flatulence? Sounds like a fitting punishment.

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

"send [them] to a remote Scottish island where they would have to live on a diet of organic brown rice and vegetables and learn Buddhism and meditation."

I'm a vegetarian and like to spend holidays on Scottish islands. Sounds like fun to me!

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Re: "Get used to life being different."

If anyone heard Unreliable Evidence on Radio 4 last week in their discussion on Prison might get the idea that Open / less supervised Prison is not always as easy or as safe for prisoners as their closed versions.

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

> I'm a vegetarian and like to spend holidays on Scottish islands. Sounds like fun to me!

Home Office would be one step ahead I expect: you'd be incarcerated in Leicester Square McDonalds.

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Re: "He'd better make sure he never drops the soap"

"I'm a vegetarian and like to spend holidays on Scottish islands. Sounds like fun to me!"

Bet you don't beat up Uber drivers though, so you'll have to pay for your holidays.

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What does this have to do with my internet business? I earn 7,500 per week at home eating cheezies and completing surveys. Contact me for details and I will tell you how you can do it, too!

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Lifesaver! I had sadly forgotten how to eat cheese based corn snacks.

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I'm in. Can't be arsed with the surveys, but my profound expertise with cheesy snacks should make up for it.

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"Can't be arsed with the surveys"

That's OK. Just fill stuff in at random. Nobody'll ever know.

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Re: Grunchy

wait, wait, wait - you get paid to eat cheezies? Teach me Senpai!

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Better keep

his soap on a rope.

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20 weeks ?? More like 5-10 years. he could of easily killed a guy by stomping on his head. You get more time for DUI or shop lifting.

Hell they gave non violent hacker 2 years.

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Anonymous Coward

You complain about the possibility of killing someone, then compare another way of doing so, DUI, to shop lifting? Idiot.

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DUI is less reprehensible than assault, and shoplifting is less reprehensible than DUI, and yet they both result in harsher sentences. I don't remember the name of the rhethorical figure here, but it works.

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Anonymous Coward

"DUI is less reprehensible than assault,"

Speaking as a person who has lost a friend to a drunk driver... I find that kind of statement utterly ignorant.

Driving under the influence is far worse, because if you hit some one it's basically assault with a deadly 2 ton weapon which is far more likely to result in death. Deciding to drive drunk is intentionally going out equipped with a deadly weapon which should be classed as premeditated.

Sentences for those types of scum are ridiculously low, that texting truck driver who was jailed for 7yrs last week for killing some one got of light in my book.

Meanwhile my friend had to suffer being burnt to death as her car exploded on impact and the scumbag who killed her got 2yrs. 20 weeks for assault simply isn't close to being good enough.

I have zero tolerance for the kinds of people who think drinking/texting whilst driving is acceptable.. they're all scum in my book.

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Anonymous Coward

Morally deficient director goes to prison?

Actually that is news.

It is nice to know that my opinion of the people working in the area was correct

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Devil

Re: "Morally deficient director"

That phrase, whilst far from a universal description, does seem to contain a redundancy. What one will we hear next? "Sociopathic director" or "dodgy politician"?

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

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"Sentenced to 20 weeks by prison in Hammersmith Magistrates' Court"

Eh?

Thanks - It's the one with all Mr Onions' books in the pockets.

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Go

Replace which 'in' by 'by'...baby...erm...

Should probably be "by" rather than "in"...

"sentenced to 20 weeks in prison in Hammersmith Magistrates' Court"

LoL

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Or swap the "in" and "by"

""sentenced to 20 weeks in prison by Hammersmith Magistrates' Court"

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I have one reservation

"Get used to life being different" sounds like the magistrate was pissed off.

Yes, many will be pissed off hearing how the jerk acted... but: A magistrate should remain impartial (the blind justice and all)... emotive statements like that worry me.

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Re: I have one reservation

Go through it again, slowly. The light may yet dawn. All the magistrate really said, the sentence was already handed down, was, in effect, "tough." She might very well have been pissed off, but all she told the whining little *&^% was that she was not going to change her mind. He clearly had not learned to grovel properly. If he is equally stupid inside, he may have a really different life when he leaves.

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Re: I have one reservation

A human being (yes a magistrate is still a human being) is perfectly entitled to have feelings and express their views. As this was after sentencing this comment was entirely appropriate. It's if they say it before hearing all of the evidence you should be worried. She was damn right too.

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Re: I have one reservation

""Get used to life being different" sounds like the magistrate was pissed off."

Well.. Given we only get to see the little snippet, we have no idea how obnoxious the little toad was during his trial.

"Yes, many will be pissed off hearing how the jerk acted... but: A magistrate should remain impartial (the blind justice and all)... emotive statements like that worry me."

And you assume that being less than detached when responding to the reaction to his sentence, somehow indicated a lack of impartiality?

People can compartmentalise. Get used to people being capable of complex behaviour.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: I have one reservation

If he is equally stupid inside, he may have a really different life when he leaves.

One can but hope.

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Re: I have one reservation

" we have no idea how obnoxious the little toad was during his trial."

I've only ever seen judges make comments like this when the answer is "extremely".

That said she complied with sentencing guidelines so he's going to have no grounds for appeal to lighten the length of it and if he keeps that attitude up he won't get early release.

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Re: I have one reservation

"He clearly had not learned to grovel properly. If he is equally stupid inside, he may have a really different life when he leaves"

Which makes it not so much a comment as sound advice.

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Re: I have one reservation

'I've only ever seen judges make comments like this when the answer is "extremely".'

I've heard of someone making a comment when being taken down and the judge asking the clerk "Have you written that [the sentence] down?"; to the warders "Bring him back".

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Rat in a business suit

Zero fucks given here about his future.

If you have a bit of time on your hands you could amuse yourself by browsing his company website. I've rarely seen such a pile of flannel in a slick wrapper (if you ignore the jarring grammatical errors and the occasional missing link).

The 'Our History' page is particularly cloying. A load of nothing about nothing.

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Re: Rat in a business suit

Saying as I'm one of these sad individuals that reads the small print, have a look at the bottom of the page: "The Company is limited by guarantee and does not provide services to clients"

The company was incorporated on 25th April 2016, so I'm not sure how the history section manages to include a "rebranding" in 2015.

He has been a director of various other companies in the past, but they all seem to be either dormant companies, or companies that were dissolved before the first set of accounts were filed.

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Company website.

I couldn't resist having a look. It has to be the most facile piece of crap I have ever encountered. God help the "1000s of customers" who were taken in. Obviously not web savvy.

I'm still not absolutely sure you haven't faked the web site as a prank.

Have an upvote :-)

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Thumb Up

One down

But how many more to go?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: One down

But how many more to go?

Yes, there's one graduating every minute (I'm paraphrasing here).

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WTF?

Oh, please don't put me in jail . . .

""This will destroy my life, I am the director of a company and everyone would lose their jobs. We have 1,000 clients, we have staff all around the country, and it would die," "

Standard defence for arseholes.

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