back to article How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

Gor blimey guv. I jus’ bin dahn the ol’ rub-a-dub for a pokey alright sparrah do us a lemon John. Fret not, faithful reader. Be comforted that I have neither succumbed to Dickvandykitis nor do I have any compulsion to “do the old bamboo” – a suspicious euphemism if ever I heard one. I am merely rejoicing in being told that I …

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Happy

Re: How IT are you?

Maybe he mean 443 Hurts (SI unit for cattle prods and tazers) rather than Hertz

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TRT
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Re: How IT are you?

I thought the Hurt was the unit of measure of distress caused by an alien life-form bursting out of your abdomen.

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Coat

Re: How IT are you?

No, that's not painful, unless it happens with some frequency.

Ok, that's my coat....

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Internet questionnaires are more 2 dimensional than the screens used to read them, even (and probably especially the ones meant to be useful and not entertainment).

I did a career related one, and the results of suitable careers started with 'shoe designer*' WTF!

* Ok, I have a minor foot fetish, but there was certainly not a question about that in it, and if there had been, it'd be more likely to advise I was never let anywhere near womens feet for public decency issues.

Great article, although I do feel let down, I was actually looking forward to an actual 'how IT are you' quiz that wasn't loaded with ads and one question per page that took ten minutes to load the next one..

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Joke

(d) "Who the hell are you? I'm a programmer. I don't do hardware. I don't like talking to users either. Did you dial the wrong number? Bet you won't make that mistake again will you?"

Slam phone down. Go down the pub because, frankly, why the hell not.

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Anonymous Coward

Fine tuning - How oracle support are you?

d. Open a call and ask them to send an image of connections at the back of the printer. They reply promptly. Five days later ask for image of connections at side of printer. They reply promptly. Ffive days later ask for detailled schematics of printer. They reply promptly. Five days later ask for wiring diagram of building. Keep going askig for ever more totally irrelavent details until they get pissed off and give up then close call due to inactivity.

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Anonymous Coward

Fine tuning - How IBM support are you?

e. Ask them to log a call then find a reason to reject it. Repeat until they give up. Note: It doesn't matter if a reason for rejection contradicts any previous reason.

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Re: Fine tuning - How IBM support are you?

I don't bother rejecting them... Just add a note that the printer was checked and appears to be functioning properly, then close the ticket.

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Headmaster

Help ma' Boab

You didn't give your Middenface enough L, Mr McDabb.

Alan Moore knows the score and John Wagner wrote it.

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Re: Help ma' Boab

Do I detect a PWEI reference?

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Windows

Not now James, we're busy.

Can U dig it? Hell yeah!

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Your dabb-le in psychology baiting must have been pre-1991

Nowadays, to really convince them, you need to stand buck naked in the middle of the room, stick your todger between your legs and spread your arms out and scream "I'd F**K me!".

(Disclaimer, if you accidentally get elected as a Tory Party member using this technique, don;t blame me).

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Re: Your dabb-le in psychology baiting must have been pre-1991

Right I'm off to find some Scientologists.

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Gimp

Re: Your dabb-le in psychology baiting must have been pre-1991

There is nothing wrong with getting elected as Tory Party member, you can even go pretty far with that kind of endorsement.

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Printer hassles option E

right-click on printer, remove.

turn printer back on -- if no printing then how the fuck are we supposed to fix a hardware problem on a Friday?!

move them to another print queue as geographically as far way from thier desk as is possible - and tell them is it only a 'temporary fix to get you back and working'.

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Re: Printer hassles option E

Obviously the right answer is :

Please print out a printer repair form, sign it and date it and send it to IT support.

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LDS
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Joke

Knowing about Dabbs heritage...

... explains a lot about his articles.. :-)

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Vos terrible impression of Vulf, old cucumber. You did not mention der happystick, nor der old cucumber!

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Top bombing!

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Answer (D) Ask them to try again, and call you back. Then disable their deskphone.

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Re: The future...

A user calls to report a non-working printer. Do you...

(a) suggest they turn it off and back on again?

....

I always suggest they turn it on and then back off again and that performs as expected every time so far.

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d) Explain the support site is down and would they mind sending a printed request by internal mail.

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How offshore support are you

Prank call at 2am then close the ticket as unable to contact the client.

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Hmm....

"Unfortunately for them, I’d seen all the questions before: my father, a clinical psychologist, had shown them to me when I was little. They were mostly based on an old Hans Eysenck test for psychopathic tendencies."

When you say "shown"...

Suddenly, everything about Uncle Dabbsy makes starts making sense!

Steven "Just kidding, they don't use those tests on kids really - they have other ones" R

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Hmm....

"Unfortunately for them, I’d seen all the questions before: my father, a clinical psychologist, had shown them to me when I was little. They were mostly based on an old Hans Eysenck test for psychopathic tendencies."

I've seen 'Peeping Tom'...

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This post has been deleted by a moderator

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Mushroom

FU you with a rake for spamvertising a shitty content aggregator. Please die.

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My message was in reply to the one directly above it, now deleted by a moderator.

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Coat

@Dabsy.

Dunno why but I can sympathise with the coffee name spelling.

I'm apparently a grammar genius and a spelling wizard. And "better than 96% of the population at....." in far far far too many cases. However, so are a couple of folks I know who would have problems floating in a kiddie pool full of pudding.

for the printer:

option Q)

note that support for that hardware is currently in transition, advise the user that they need to open three tickets in three different systems, collate all ticket numbers into a single email and then email 8 DLs with those ticket numbers asking if there is anyone that can acknowledge that they are aware the printer exists, and advise which of the two outsourcing agencies actually support the printer. Advise the user to ensure that security is on the email trail as they will have to grant access for the support person who eventually is assigned to inspect the printer. Send the formal process documentation advising how to open tickets in the three ticketing systems to the user and CC their manager as well. Sign off.

Head outside for lunch, a scotch and a chance to watch the cardinals finish building their nest in my cedar tree.

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The "IT" Quiz

(c) Ask what they've tried so far, then berate them for lacking initiative

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Devil

Re: The "IT" Quiz

> (c) Ask what they've tried so far, then berate them for lacking initiative

... if they have done nothing.

If they have done anything, berate them for their unauthorized action.

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A user calls to report a non-working printer. Do you...

(d) Hang up immediately and head out to the pub, wondering how that call was not sent straight to voicemail, knowing that you can wait until Monday to sort that out.

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Pint

I worked with your old man at Leeds

Affectionately and universally known as "Dabbo"

I hope he's still going. Either way, I shall raise a glass to him in couple of minutes.

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Re: I worked with your old man at Leeds

Thanks, David. I'm afraid my father is in a care home with advanced dementia. Not the man he was.

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Re: I worked with your old man at Leeds

That's sad to hear, Alistair. My commiserations. Dementia is a terrible thing that leaves the body and takes the soul.* The sooner a cure is found, the better.

*I don't mean this in a religious sense - just that everything that made the person who they were is erased. No memories of the past mean that the personality changes. Foul disease.

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Anonymous Coward

How French are you indeed!

Pour être admissible au Québec, il faut vivre pour (au moins) UN AN dans votre sac de papier brun dans la fosse septique!

Bien sur! And also be able to code in la Langage de balisage hypertexte! - "LBHT". (You call it HTML).

Unlike those scurrilous folks of France, Quebec has proper language laws rigidly enforced!

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Anonymous Coward

Re: How French are you indeed!

I thought "LBHT" was the Lesbian/Bisexual Horseappreciating Transvestite demography?

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Happy

In one of these idiotic evaluations...

...I was asked if I could go back and change something in my life, what would I change?

I said "everything".

Which is apparently the wrong answer.

Why?

The way I see it, I've "done stuff" and "made decisions" and arrived here. If I should be able to go back in time and change something, why would I want to change only one thing? Why not do everything differently and see where life goes then?

Oh, and replying to the half-full/half-empty thing with "the cup is clearly the wrong size" is also an incorrect answer. Ho hum. I'll go cook my spaghetti in a frying pan, maybe that'll be the right size?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: In one of these idiotic evaluations...

Life is Strange...

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Re: In one of these idiotic evaluations...

I tend to advise people full and empty are absolutes, neither can be halved.

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Windows

Weird

I'm getting the feeling I am reading one of those old-school Science Fiction stories found in those "Nebula Awards" or "Michael Moorcock presents..." anthologies of my youth.

It's either the beer or some subconscious trigger. Maybe the disturbing questionnaire silliness?

I remember is J.G. Ballard's "Answers to a Questionnaire" (on the Internet). Also, John Sladek's "Anxietal Register B" (which appeared in John Christopher's Mind in Chains, but I had to look that up), basically a form that you don't want to fill in as it goes progressively deeper into querying information about your inner space. Shit's not on the Internet though... pity.

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I do have to admit in a similar vain - that I get a real sense of satisfaction when I get spam emails that claim my account with this bank, or paypal, or my iTunes account has been compromised or - any of the other "give us your personal details" type of emails come rolling in. When I'm feeling mischievous and really want to f**k up someone's day - I like to copy the link, paste it into Incognito Chrome, and if the "red screen of death" doesn't appear, I like to submit as much gibberish information as I can be bothered to. It probably doesn't really make a lot of difference, but I like to tell myself - that I'm not the only one doing this and they are being overloaded with so much false information or login data that it's not worth the time trying to figure out what is real and what is not.......... It would be nice to know other people take it upon themselves to do the same - but I'm probably alone in this. I'll just continue doing it though.

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You are not alone

I've done this a few times, too.

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"any of the other "give us your personal details" type of emails come rolling in."

What annoys me in spam is the "you have more friends etc." from Facebook. I don't have any friends and if I did they wouldn't use Facebook either, but what annoys me is if a careless swipe fails to delete them unopened so some evil tracker reports the address as a valid one. Android badly needs a baked in Facebook email rejecter.

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IT UT anything goes toniight

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OK then...

ONE question about that article:

WHERE is the fucking quiz??

You're not out at night click-whoring, are you?

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Anonymous Coward

Never post again!

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Scientology test

It's particularly easy to see what's going on in the Scientology "personality test". Every tenth question is in the same category, so you can easily score 100% once you've worked out what the categories are. More amusingly, you can chose your scores so that the graph of them that they show you is a picture of a house or something like that.

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Re: Scientology test

I thought the questions in the Scientology test were as follows:

1. Have you ever studied psychology at a university?

2. Are you loaded?

3. Are you really, really gullible?

A match is of course No-Yes-Yes. Question 3 is intended to catch out the people who are only doing it for a laugh.

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Rather damned sad...

to see a picture of Jimmy Edwards labelled just "twitter_headmaster" :-(

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jimmy_Edwards

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