back to article Put your private parts on display if you want to keep earning a living

My prospective client is staring at my nuts. The quality of my work is apparently not too important. What really matters are the warm bits that dangle between my legs. Indeed, the human resources rep is insisting that I be prepared to present my lobster and urchins on demand, as regularly as possible. You’d think I would be …

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Nazti

What bothers me is the kind of pondlife that comes up with such things as an idea and then goes on to produce it as a product which they then sell. I imagine they would have been comfortable as a snitch to the Stasi.

I have found almost without exception , that if you allow employees to be responsible for themselves, they will live up to your expectations or even exceed them.

Treat them like errant children and they will behave like them.

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Re: Nazti

"What bothers me is the kind of pondlife that comes up with such things as an idea and then goes on to produce it as a product which they then sell."

The real problem is that they actually can sell it because there's more pondlife that's prepared to buy it.

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Re: Nazti

No, it's because they are totally focussed in their own little world. They have no idea about how it might be mis-used and simply cannot see any problems.

Just sit in on a marketing meeting sometime and you'll see what I mean. Those people genuinely don't see their adverts and marketing as annoyances or spam and honestly do think that you will be pleased that they thought of yet another way to get their "message" across to you.

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Headmaster

Re: Nazti

The ignorance of arrogance.

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Serriously WTF?

So... I get that AD is miffed that some companies have started to place sensors to monitor how long they sit at their desks. I get that... they must be working as telemarketers or as drones.

In today's IT departments, many are in meeting and are collaborating with their peers. Also many don't have cubes or assigned cubes. They are sitting along a work bench with little to no privacy.

And really what's the beef? If they wanted to do this to me... then they'd have to also compare it to my calendar where I'm called in to multiple meetings throughout the day. Where I end up spending more time away from my desk drawing charts and stuff on the white board explaining tech to the pointy haired managers.

Of course if they did do this... you do realize that if it were a camera and not just a sensor... you'd have one heck of a great class action lawsuit against the company.

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Re: Serriously WTF?

Given that any decent self-respecting journo spends his life hotdesking between the local hostelries, I certainly wondered what the the Telegraph were hoping to achieve. And then I remembered that newspapers are gradually getting rid of their Cheshire Cheese - based correspondents (I'm referring to their preferred location, not the existence of a Morph-style lifeform with a pungent aroma) and replacing them with drones who copy stuff from the Internet and the wire services.

It no doubt makes perfect sense to the bean counters to have them under constant productivity surveillance, though you don't really need advanced technology to check if they're at their desks - a large vertical spike in the centre of the chair should suffice.

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Bah!

The depressingly stupid part of this CrotchCam "solution" is that to implement it will likely absorb many times and putative "savings" from ordering people to go back to their desks.

When will the directors learn that to get people to do a good job you need to make the environment in which it is to be done as job friendly as possible and then treat the people in it as valued human beings?

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Re: Bah!

They won't. It costs too much, and they have to answer to the investors.

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Re: Bah!

then treat the people in it as valued human beings?

You obviously think that master/slave behavior no longer exists. The only respect the higher ups have is for the bottom-line or anything else that's self-serving. The rest of us are mere wastes of profit.

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Re: Bah!

The money is making the decisions. And the money not only doesn't care about you, it actually thinks it would be better off without you, therefore to it you have absolutely no value as you can easily be replaced by a more efficient and obedient model.

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Big Brother

Isn't it enough...

That most employers are allowed to install things like keylogging software to make sure you are pecking away at your keyboard throughout the day?

Installing the NadCam is just insulting.

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Happy

Could be interesting

I'm one of those people who fidgets... a lot, when sitting, and usually take very strange positions anyway. One of the more common ones is sat with one leg folded underneath me, while randomly swinging the other one outstretched. I don't do it consciously, it just seems to happen - much to the merriment of family and friends.

So, I would imagine it would only be a matter of time before said outstretched leg came into high velocity contact with the nadcam. At this time one of two things would be likely to happen Either nadcam gets broken {what a shame} or I suffer an injury that warrants first aid, very considerable quantities of paper filling and possibly a claim against the employer for maintaining an unsafe working environment.

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Paris Hilton

Re: Could be interesting

"One of the more common ones is sat with one leg folded underneath me"

There was a rather nice young lady that used to sit like that at the National Rail Enquiry Service, only she would bounce\rub her crotch against her foot, while giving out time table information.

I always made sure that any machines for replacement for her group of operators were done when she was duty. :D

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Opportunities for the over 40's

Brown Eye ... pah! Employ the elderly all that's required is a moisture detector built into the seat.

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Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

Brown Eye ... pah! Employ the elderly all that's required is a moisture detector built into the seat.

Don't you have Depends where you live?

https://www.depend.com.au/

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Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

> https://www.depend.com.au

That has to be a joke.

Everyone knows the Australian wildlife takes care of stragglers well before incontinence sets in.

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Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

That has to be a joke.

Obviously you have yet to attain to benign prostate enlargement [sigh]

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Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

"Everyone knows the Australian wildlife takes care of stragglers well before incontinence sets in."

You, sir, are clearly not familiar with how our wildlife operates. In most parts of the world such poisonous, venomous or merely vicious creatures kill you comparatively quickly. Not so in Australia. Our wildlife doesn't kill you - at least, very rarely.

No, what our wildlife excels at is the infliction of mortal, insufferable, prolonged, Dantean-level agony - without actually granting the mercy of mere death. If you die, it isn't because of the venom, it's because the pain is so unbearable you do everything in your power to kill yourself. Even the plants can drive you to suicide!

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Re: Opportunities for the over 40's

No, what our wildlife excels at is the infliction of mortal, insufferable, prolonged, Dantean-level agony - without actually granting the mercy of mere death.

I have been listening all day to the screech of a large(>100 <500) flock of Corellas on the oval behind me. - my little project has not been going at all well

https://youtu.be/YbSH6bUbGEc

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Joke

BrownEye's marketing moto

"We are everywhere."

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Well if we're

into gadgets..... presenting

Boris' magic cushion... simply plug the lead into a USB port, and the cushion generates a temperature of 98.8F, thus the sneaky desk eye thing thinks theres a human seated at the desk all day while you can sneak off down the pub

And if HR are using the metric of "how long each employee is seated at their desk" to decide performance for the performance related pay review, you might even get a nice pay rise too

I would never get one of those... never at my desk long enough to log in before some other crap goes TITSUP down the other end of the factory

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Alternative suggestion on how to fool this device

Rather than use heat to fool it that the desk is occupied, use insulation to convince HR that these devices give false negatives. That's more likely to lead to them not trusting the system and having to do time consuming manual checking (Otherwise known as work - a concept they won't be familiar with)

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Re: Alternative suggestion on how to fool this device

Since this looks like another IDIoT* device, I'm sure it won't be long (already?) before someone has a crack passed around that'll have it sending appropriate data back to HR.

"Uh, Bill? Why's there no one in the office?"

>Bill checks monitor< "What're you talking about? The system says everyone's at their desks working."

*Insecurely Designed Internet of Things

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Coat

My mind is going

Someone tried to sell me a used rangefinder camera.

I didn't buy it. I told him that I'd Leica new one.

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One way to combat hidden camera's

Kilt Thursday! Works everytime.

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Boffin

maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

there is a more practical solution to keep devices like this out of your workspace . . . it's called "screwdriver Tuesday."

if you discover them under your desks, the next day everybody brings a screwdriver to work, removes the devices and presents them to the pointy-haired wizard in charge.

funny thing is, you have to get everybody united to do it . . . strange how the concept of workers uniting to demand a decent work environment, or pay, has never been tried before.

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Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

Because Wednesday they'll be back under the desks...THIS time with the "one-way" screws you see in restroom stalls.

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Joke

Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

At which point it is time for the next wonderful invention: "Crowbar Thursday".

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Anonymous Coward

Re: maybe? we could call it a "union" . . . or something.

Followed promptly by "Repair-Bill-For-The-Desk-You-Tore-Up-Prying-Big-Brother-Loose Friday." What a way to start the weekend! <sarcasm> Whoop-de-f******-doo-doo!

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The best thing about that article was the picture. By far.

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Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

Then blame the mice.

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Re: Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

Blame the rats...

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Re: Just unscrew it from the desk and bin it...

How do you unscrew it when it's done with "one-way" screws? WITHOUT getting a bill for tearing up the desk?

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Unhappy

where are my ferrotype plates?

Probably lost with all the other darkroom stuff I used to use. Haven't had film in my cameras for years now; so the five bodies and dozen different lenses, two bellows, multiple viewfinders.... but I loved me some Sensorex back then....

Get off my lawn.

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You are all missing the upside of the little Occupeye boxes. They contain two AA cells. Harvest them every morning and keep your telly remote/torch/kids toys going for free :-)

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Anonymous Coward

Re.staff "monitoring"

Its bad enough that staff often get fingerprinted like criminals but to be under close intrusive surveillance like this makes me wonder if this was cooked up by a TLA somewhere.

I did wonder if something like this could be useful to detect bladder fullness for those who are unlucky enough to be incontinent (damned BPH!) so they can resolve the problem with less chance of leakage.

Full bladder = hotter or so it seems.

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Anonymous Coward

Carry on joke, woman, camera, camera

Does that tell me all I need to know, or should I read the texty bits as well?

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Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

Just imagine the scene. A vaguely dubbed but rigorously moustachioed man phones up a slightly glossy faced blonde on the helpdesk to report that his (Thinkpad) joystick is getting stiff again. Typing in his name, she stares adoringly at his log for a while and then promises him she will be coming soon (it’s only two floors away in the lift) to take his particulars in hand. A few minutes later, they are testing the compatibility of their interfaces and giving their enhanced workflow plenty of opportunity to bed down. ….. Alistair Dabbs

Hmmmmm? For whom and/or what is that not a Quite Heavenly Epic Journey, AD ….. and Virtual Experience for Purely Practical Existence in AI TerraPhormer Ware and SMARTR Fare. Sign me up for life-time membership and prime timely activity in that swell club and knock ‘em dead crazy cat house. And one hell of a great intelligent and game safe haven :-) …… and Ab Fab Fabless PlayGround.

AIPrivate QuMan has discovered/uncovered/recovered/invented a Perfect AI Pass Key which unlocks the Future, and for some with XSSeXXX, to FutureBuilders of Immaculate Bounty in XSSeXXXX Zeroed Day Trading with Pirated Versions made available readied for NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Program RePreProgramming ……. AI BetaTesting Heavenly Quantum Communication Channels/Real Virtual Pathway …… and which is here where IT is at now ‽ . :-)

The current posit is that IT is certainly there, already ready and available for self-actualisation and AIPrivate QuMan Program PreProgramming for Heavenly NEUKlearer HyperRadioProActive IT Operations into Realising the Future with COSMIC Top Secret Power itself into Creating Celestial Dreams/Alluring Alien SeeScapes. ……… for LOVE and Live Operational Virtual Environments in Novel Remote Command and Immaculately Resourced Control when GODisaGoddess, Rampant and Ravishing in Compliance of Right Regal Desirous Wishes for Heavenly Dreams, awakens to await and clear up in all Slumbers.

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Re: Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

Hmm... the first thing triggered in my mind reading your post was 'radioactive hooker bots from outer space that glow in the dark'. Am I close or way, way off?

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Re: Re: Wanted: Fellowing Virtual AI Reality Pioneers and Cyber Pirates

Methinks, for now at least, that be way, way off, allthecoolshortnamesweretaken,

However, the above is on its merry way to Robert Peston, who talks a good talk and is surely being given the opportunity to walk a great walk .........

“There is no better fun than getting a whiff of a scoop and then landing it. It is the best fun ever, and if anybody in our trade tells you otherwise they shouldn’t really be in our trade.” Robert Peston

Hmmm? :-) Here's looking at you, kid @Peston. And there more than a great deal more too, amigo.

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Be Careful What you Wish For when Anything is Possible, and Eminently Probable Imminently

@Peston "There is no better fun than getting a whiff of a scoop and then landing it." Best fun ever here, Robert . . http://tinyurl.com/h8n9nqb

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Anonymous Coward

One ought to be careful using the name, 'Brownie',it conjures up all manner of politically correct reactions,such as viral Twittering condemnations from the youthful left-wing,BBC 'donut' brainwashed mindset thought police.

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HEWLETT PACKARD had seat sensors at one facility at least

Hewlett Packard in the huge but mostly empty Marlborough, MA USA facility had installed "seat sensors" at random seating locations. A colleague spotted one under his seat. Did not take a photograph as far as he could tell, wasn't even sure how it worked. Yeah, HP, great place... not.

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clueless wrongthinking

It amazes me how still so many companies are completely locked into determining your value as an employee only by how much time you spend at your desk and exactly when you get there, instead of what you actually achieve.

Thankfully they seem quite happy to pay people for surfing the web all day, just as long as they get to their desk by 9am not 9:01, and leave only after 5pm.

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Watering Hole Monitoring

What's wrong with facial recognition built into coffee/tea/water dispensers? It's where the bodies congregate, right?

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