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back to article Amazon wants me to WEAR NAPPIES?! But I'm a 40-something MAN

I am a very lucky man: Amazon is offering me a 20 per cent discount. The cynics among you might try to claim that everything at Amazon is offered at a 20 per cent discount because of its advantageous tax arrangements but that would be the result of confusion. My 20 per cent discount has nothing to do with VAT being 20 per cent …

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  1. Squander Two

    World-class data-mining.

    I've told this one before, so apologies to those who read it last time.

    Like all men, Facebook keeps throwing me "Meet hot young single women in your area who are absolutely gagging for it" adverts. Then my wife bought my daughter a DVD of Annie. I'd never seen it before, noticed something mildly amusing about it, and mentioned it on Facebook. All those ads immediately disappeared, to be replaced with "Meet young oiled men in leggings and peaked caps" ads.

    Somewhere in their code, Facebook actually have this algorithm: "Watched a musical => Must be a poofter."

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    1. MJI Silver badge
      Reply Icon

      Re: World-class data-mining.

      I better not mention my liking of certain musicals with car chases, penguins and Dodge Monacos then.

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      1. Alister
        Reply Icon

        Re: World-class data-mining.

        Jake, is that you?

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        1. jake Silver badge
          Reply Icon

          @Alister (was: Re: World-class data-mining.)

          Eh?

          Assuming you are computer illiterate, and don't know the difference between "jake" and "Jake" in this medium, I'll assume you mean "jake" ... Please note that "Jake" hasn't been exactly active recently.

          ANYwho ...I'm not certain which of the above two posts you are responding to, but where have I ever displayed homophobia, or a love of Dodge motor vehicles? Please, do try to read for content Alister.

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          1. MJI Silver badge
            Reply Icon

            Re: @Alister (was: World-class data-mining.)

            _EVERYONE_ just knows that the best musical ever is The Blues Brothers!

            Hence my joke about musicals.

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  2. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You *SURE* you don't need nappies?

    http://www.forbes.com/sites/kashmirhill/2012/02/16/how-target-figured-out-a-teen-girl-was-pregnant-before-her-father-did/

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  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Online retailers that spam you immediately after a purchase to suggest you buy more

    Just don't get it!

    You've spent your monthly treat cash & it's gonna be another month until...

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  4. JDX Gold badge

    Filed under HARDWARE > GAMES?

    It should be under wetware. And there's nothing funny about poop.

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Well..

    "Amazon wants me to WEAR NAPPIES?! But I'm a 40-something MAN"

    And? your point?

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    1. Lars Silver badge
      Reply Icon
      Linux

      Re: Well..

      A something man like you probably have children or grand children who need nappies. That is logic, get over it, you cannot hide. Still when I put Linux on a Windows machine previously used by my wife and using it now, YouTube keeps proposing stuff I never looked at. Also I am frequently asked to do something about my Windows machine as it's running out of space and guts, spooky. What makes me a bit sad are a few, god forsaken sites, where I have been, for years, the one and only first 1.000.000 human being to accidentally find them. Please somebody help them.

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  6. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    If you think Amazon is bad wait until you have experienced Tesco Bank

    Now Tesco have changed into a bank, they have changed their telephone security requirements without telling the customers. So, unable to persuade them to transfer our money, we used snail mail to close the account. The accompanying letter said "Thank you for closing your account!" However, we made the mistake of continuing to use the credit card. Wednesday in the US, for the second time in 2 trips the card was refused. We regularly spend 2-4 months in the US for the past 20 years and Tesco have been supplied with both fixed line and mobile US phone numbers. When we phoned Tesco to find out why, we couldn't answer the new security questions to their satisfaction, even though we also wished to pay them a lot of money to clear last months bill. After she had spoken further brusque words with the Tesco employee and demanded to talk to a manager, who apparently was too important to talk to an irate customer, we were redirected to the next department who said the purchase ( for less than $400) was suspicious, so they blocked it and the following non purchase and phoned our UK number to tell us! So much for having all the customer data and knowing all about their purchasing habits. It's obviously time for a new credit card supplier. Thank god we have a US bank account for backup. I have to admit, that my experience of Amazon has so far been extremely good, so much so that they are my preferred supplier for most mail order purchasers. If they do a credit card, I'll certainly consider it!

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  7. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Justin Bieber.

    J.B. isn't Gothic, true, but The

    Horror bit.............................

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  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Assisted Suicide

    I think the nadir was when Amazon recommended me a book on assisted suicide. Apparently other people who had enjoyed PG Wodehouse were also interested in assisted suicide.

    Personally I find the opposite: a bit of Jeeves and Wooster always puts me in a spiffing mood for a top hole sort of day. What Ho!

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  9. seven of five

    The really important question here:

    were "within the ruins" any good?

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  10. Andrew Wilson
    Facepalm

    This would be the same Amazon that keeps sending me emails recommending Kindle e-books that I have already bought from them ....

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  11. Stevie

    Bah!

    Oh FFS Alistaire, just do what I've been doing since the targeted ads started (and are most vigorously presented right here on El Reg I might add): stick a few waterbras and thong sets on your Amazon Wish List each time you visit.

    My browsing is a thing of wonder as those annoying ads of yesteryear now feature scantily clad young ladies. Nothing cheers me up like reading your column while being enthusiastically exhorted to try the latest push-up bra by a pneumatic young woman.

    My 'My Amazon' page is a thing of NSFW beauty too.

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    1. an it guy
      Reply Icon

      Re: Bah!

      that works until someone actually buys you one of those for a present.

      "But, but, it was on your wishlist!"

      Hope you made it private.

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    2. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Bah!

      So, perhaps someone can clarify this for me - what is it that makes such a woman pneumatic rather than, say, hydraulic or electric? Is it because pneumatic systems are often 'bang-bang'?

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      1. Stevie
        Reply Icon

        Re: Bah!

        No, it is because common usage over nearly 60 years suggests that term.

        Though I can't say I'm thrilled by the idea of seeing Bulgarian Oilbags even if that is a more accurate description of their contents.

        That's the problem with IT - it tends to reward a literal mindset and atrophy what little metaphor-decoding nodes we are born with. Luckily I grew up in the 60s and 70s and had my metaphorical nodes fed on a diet of Sunday Mirror and Page Three. I could often feel them swelling as I read from the serialized Naked Ape (with tasteful pictures that had nothing to do with the text).

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  12. Irony Deficient

    Stereotypes die hard. What can I do?

    Stick to the one, the only, the original: Spin̈al Tap.

    “Thy Art Is Murder”? Odds bodkins! Thine Art Is Murder! (après nous, le Déluge…)

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    1. Alistair Dabbs
      Reply Icon

      Re: Stereotypes die hard. What can I do?

      Steel Panther could give Spinal Tap a run. Going to see them later this month.

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    2. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stereotypes die hard. What can I do?

      Upvote for using "Odds bodkins!", an epithet showcasing the best that the Queen's English has to offer if ever there was one.

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    3. TitterYeNot
      Reply Icon

      Re: Stereotypes die hard. What can I do?

      "Stick to the one, the only, the original: Spin̈al Tap."

      Ah yes, their timeless classic, "Lick My Love Pump"...

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  13. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Sung like someone gargling brick-dust

    Nice one, really nice one.

    Put me in mind of a fellow student living in the same student house as I did, and he was into punk musing of the type in which it sounded like somebody was vomiting violently into a microphone, and somebody else had hung a fireproof mike in an operational afterburner of a jet fighter.

    He used to study quietly and conscientiously till midnight, and then put his music on at roughly 120 dB. As he did not hear our complaints I yanked out the appropriate fuse. He complained that that could damage his records; I retorted that that was peanuts to the damage my 5 lb sledgehammer would do next time. I suggested he had a perfectly serviceable set of headphones so he could listen to his music any time without disturbing us. He said the sound quality would suffer. He did not understand why we howled with laughter at that.

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  14. Sarah Balfour

    My Spotify recommendations can be a bit, er, 'left field', too…

    The best was being recommended Infected Mushroom because I'd told 'em I'd listened to Dropkick Murphys… Infected Mushroom, for the uninitiated, are an Israeli trance outfit (and, yes, I do happen to rather like 'em, but from Dropkick Murphys…?!). And can anyone make ANY connection what-so-fecking-EVER between Inspiral Carpets, Terrorvision, and The Undertones…?!

    But what REALLY irks me about Spotify is its gig recommendations. This is the best so far: - "You listened to Inspiral Carpets. Want to see a gig near you…?" Why thank you, Spotify, I might just as it goes… So what do I see when I tap the link…?! Manchester, Sheffield, Newcastle, Glasgow and Liverpool. Same for Half Man Half Biscuit, Five Finger Death Punch, Paul Heaton, Ziggy Marley and Pop Will Eat Itself (I'm nothing if not eclectic, me!). My Spotify settings are set to London, my Songkick settings are set to London - SO WTF AM I ONLY GETTING LISTINGS FOR THE NORTH…?!

    As far as depressing spam goes, I'm currently receiving offers for discounted over-50s life insurance, retirement living and SAGA Holidays ('ere, Dabbsy! Think I'm getting yer spam, matey! ;oD). I'm barely 40 (okay, perhaps I'm a LITTLE 40…). What's next…? June Whitfield trying to sell me cover for funeral costs…?!

    Okay, rant over…

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    1. Nelbert Noggins
      Reply Icon

      Re: My Spotify recommendations can be a bit, er, 'left field', too…

      I think next comes those special baths with doors in them... then the funeral services

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    2. Anonymous Coward
      Reply Icon
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: My Spotify recommendations can be a bit, er, 'left field', too…

      Naaa, they start hitting you with hair loss treatments, and Viagra by the mid 40's.

      Funeral plans and "last chance" health plans by the late 40's.

      Magical investment plans to waste your pension money, Put charities on your will and buy "Best of the 1980's collections of 575 CDs" are a definite sign you've got a foot in the grave (Damn, have been getting them for a year or so !)

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    3. Swarthy
      Reply Icon

      Re: My Spotify recommendations can be a bit, er, 'left field', too…

      If it were Grooveshark giving you those recommendations, I would have to apologize, as Infected Mushroom does share a few of my playlists with Dropkick Murphy's, next to Mindless Self Indulgence and Penny Black Remedy.

      But, as I don't use Spotify, I got nothin'.

      I will have to check out Inspiral Carpets.

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  15. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Amazon error? Nope !

    You'd be surprised to discover how many 40 something men are incontinent (mentally and/or physically) and in dire need of nappies.... so actually this might be a very accurate targeting.....

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  16. Terry 6 Silver badge

    Only slightly at a tangent....

    I use Google's mapping on my mobile to take my teenager to the various friends' homes. I almost always use just the postcode - I can find the actual house number myself (I'm not yet totally dependant on Google, yet).

    Yet even when it's the first time I've been there Google will, spookily often, identify which is the right front door and often will even show me a picture.

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  17. Number6

    I don't think I've ever used an on-line supplier who's managed to deduce what I might buy based on previous purchase or viewing history. Amazon are particularly screwed because I use them as a reference source to look things up, as in "it's available on Amazon" as an idea that something is available. I might be encouraging someone else to go buy, but not me. The fact that I delete cookies a lot probably doesn't help them either. One day I'll write an app that lets me modify cookies and screw with them even more.

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  18. MJI Silver badge

    Amazone tends to not be used now

    Because more than one person using a computer, they see what others have been looking at, same with Ebay, if I want to look on it I need to use a different computer AND account just to avoid last looked at ect.

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  19. MJI Silver badge

    these silly boy bands

    I haven't actually seen the point in them, except for picking on.

    I am still trying to work out why one infected a Doctor Who special, this really annoyed my daughter as she hates these sort of bands.

    The nearest thing to a boy band she would listen to would be Busted or McFly.

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  20. pyroweasel
    Big Brother

    In another's Ama-zone?

    I was wondering how Amazon figured this 40something single childless man needed a baby monitor...

    Maybe by surfing t'net via an expecting couple's wifi? Or is this beer belly not what it seems?

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  21. ceayers

    Homer J Simpson's advice

    don't bother with nappies - let them roam free in the garden and nature will take it's course.

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