The Secret Diary of Iain Duncan Smith
Apologies to Cassandra Claire & LoTR secret diaries...
Day 1: Have baaad hangover.. on reflection should not have drunk 15 jager shots on empty stomach. Resolved to make everybody as miserable as me.. feel oddly better..
Day 4: Big cabinet meeting, suggested to education secretary that things in need of shake up & offered mates job lot of RM Nimbus for new schools IT. Gove delighted. Evil fun.. go me!
Day 6: Dropped hint to Theresa that kicking out some 'terrorists' might distract the plans from acci-deliberate Police brutality. Mildly disturbed at the pin ups of Abu Qatada and the way she stares at metal claws.. court of human rights will kill her if she tries anything...
Day 15: woke up in cold sweat at 3am. Eureka moment. The benefits system. The most pain & the most gain! What could possibly go wrong..?
Day 20: Outsourced project to India. In retrospect project code 'white elephant' not wisest choice, although prescient.
Day 200: benefits project unqualified disaster - more holes in system than in Titanic & Star Wars Prequel plot combined. That said other evil plans proceeding admirably. Gove universally loathed, unions swarming all over him like amorous orcs..
Day 500: May have over egged the evil. Even rumors of new benefit system causing higher electoral attrition than Isandlwana. Still you can't make omelettes... being a cabinet minister means never having to say you're sorry..
Day 720: There is a God ... spying story finally broke.. press tired of Qatada (Theresa not so much it seems). Has distracted from benefits debacle that deserves more of a panning than a door to door Le Creuset salesman.
Day 721: Have admitted to self that one stop benefits shop not my finest hour. Evil plan seems to have rebounded. Not so much fun when poor the only ones not feeling the pain.
Day 800: Released new system anyway, what the hell; it worked for Microsoft... now for my memoirs..
Transcribers note: the text ends here and there is evidence of bloodstains...