back to article Apple drops 'thermonuclear' patent bombshell

Apple has launched a new patent assault on its competitors, one that appears to unleash the nukes that Steve Jobs reportedly told his biographer Walter Isaacson he was going to drop on Google's Android. "I'm going to destroy Android, because it's a stolen product," the late Apple cofounder told the author of the überpopular …

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  1. Tom 7 Silver badge

    Typical lack of real innovation.

    Anyone should realise patenting sub-atomic particles is the way to go.

  2. jubtastic1
    Happy

    That put a smile on my face

    Well done.

  3. nematoad Silver badge
    Happy

    As yes, but...

    This is hilarious, but the news that Facebook was trying to grab the word "book" was published a few days ago and so presumably is NOT an April Fools joke. Even though it is.

    See: http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2012/03/facebook-book-trademark/

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Too easy, Reg. Got it straight away. You need to be a bit more subtle when trying to pull the wool over the eyes of the calibre of readership you get he....

    ...oh, wait.

  5. Robert E A Harvey
    Happy

    Hmm

    Taking the piss out of Apple, patents, and the obesssions of your own commentards. Well done.

    Can I also point out:

    https://sweetshark.livejournal.com/10372.html&title=LibreOffice%20goes%20money%20printing

    http://thelincolnite.co.uk/2012/03/lincoln-lawyer-possible-legal-fix-for-lincoln-barrier-crossing-delays/

    http://linuxblog.darkduck.com/2012/04/hsiloof-linux-real-breakthrough-no-more.html

    http://bmw.co.uk/bmwuk/about/news/0,,1156__181267300_,00.html

    1. stu_ekins

      Re: Hmm

      Thanks for the BMW link. Very much enjoyed that one.

      Half expected, "new 3-series aimed at the non-cock market", but I guess that would have been too predictable.

      1. Robert E A Harvey

        Re: Hmm

        More original than:

        http://www.wired.com/threatlevel/2012/03/facebook-book-trademark/

  6. Chris 69
    Happy

    Good laugh but..

    BMW still do this stuff best...

    "Its a car gym, but not as we know it"

  7. A. Lewis
    Happy

    Oh, you!

    You nearly got me...

  8. jonathan keith

    Totally unbelievable

    An Apple flack talking to The Reg? Come on, what do you take us for?

  9. Hollow
    WTF?

    Oh for gods sake! ROFL!

    I fell for this completely, I didn't twig at all, that it was an April Fools, until I read the comments. Just goes to show that literally NOTHING surprises me in the whole patent war thing now. I actually laughed when I read it, not because I thought it was a good April Fools post, because I just can't help but laugh at the patent crap they keep throwing, if I didn't, I'd cry.

  10. Trollslayer Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    So close...

    As the best April fools needs to be.

    but please don't give them ideas!

  11. Winkypop Silver badge
    Trollface

    Almost got me

    Almost

    But whacky Apple patents can be stranger than fiction sometimes.

  12. Adam McCormack
    Go

    Loving Gmail tap http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KhZKNZO8mQ&feature=colike

  13. Adam McCormack

    :)

    http://www.nigeriagoogle.com/

  14. Haku

    You should've gone with this:

    "From April, DHS vets all passengers from UK heading to East Canada, Cuba, the Carribbean & Mexico" even though the planes don't enter US airspace.

    Took me a little searching to discover it wasn't an April fool's joke by The Independent (the article date could have been faked), those Americans are taking the piss and the UK government should grow a backbone and tell the US to fuck off.

    http://www.independent.co.uk/travel/news-and-advice/planning-a-trip-to-canada-or-the-caribbean-us-immigration-may-have-other-ideas-7584912.html

  15. Hitco Tex
    Childcatcher

    So If Apple own the rectangle...Do they own Laptops, Tv's Glass Tables, Chairs,Fish Tanks etc?

    Or do they think the 1st April is for fools?

    I'm gonna patent the circle and all the world will be mine....all mine ....

  16. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    yup

    got me too for the first few paragraphs

    .

    .

    .

    .

    But then the nightmare hit me..... what if it is'nt !

  17. Harry Sheppard
    FAIL

    Unbelievable as Apple are talking to El Reg!

    When has that ever happened?

  18. The BigYin

    Great fools!

    Very believable too as I think some Oz chappie managed to patent the wheel (or was it the circle)?

  19. stucs201
    Thumb Up

    Patent number

    Nicely done.

  20. Snark
    Happy

    Almost got me...

    You had me believing it until you got an answer back from Apple when you pressed them. Now that was totally unbelievable, everyone knows they'll never talk to El Reg.

  21. Dave 126 Silver badge

    Wheel patented in Australia

    http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn965-wheel-patented-in-australia.html

    C'mon Reg, an April fools day joke should be dafter than reality to play fair!

    This above from July, not April... Still, I don't trust Patent Office Clerks; they start thinking that time slows down when you go faster and other fantastical things. Nutters!

  22. stupormundi
    Thumb Up

    how very very appropriate

    nice one. beautifully sums up apple patent activity

  23. Rentaguru

    pulling of an april fool when el reg is always too hungover to publish sundays isn't easy

  24. Greg D
    Joke

    had me going there!

    right up till I saw the patent number... 1,042.012... 1/04/2012

    I guess the Americans wouldnt have got that since they use backwards dates, putting the month first.... that still gets a wtf from me every time.

  25. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You absolute bastards

    You had me right up until the point where Apple broke their silence with El Reg and said that they owned the rectangle.

    Well done chaps!

  26. Gerard Krupa
    FAIL

    Weak joke

    To quote Homer Simpson "don't give up your day job... whatever that is"

  27. eulampios

    funny and almost true

    Nice joke, El Reg. Too plausible to laugh too loud though :)

  28. Will Godfrey Silver badge
    Happy

    Not bad. Not bad at all, although I always treat everything on April 1 with extreme caution.

    ... and to the commentards that got all serious.

    You must have an incredibly unhappy life!

  29. JaitcH
    WTF?

    I wonder what recreational drugs Apple lawyers use?

    At a recent count Apple had OVER 800 patent claims against it which is more than it has claims against others.

    If it were ever able to persuade a judge they had the rights to a rectangle, it would take minimal effort to make straight-sided object sprout curves.

    QUOTE: "A quadrilateral having all four interior angles of 90°, opposite sides that are parallel, and congruent diagonals that bisect each other."'

    So adding a curve would destroy the 90° argument, as well as the opposite sides that are parallel. Since it is early in the morning, my time, I'm not even going to figure the diagonals. But if that is 'thermonuclear' we have little to worry about.

    Maybe this would be the patent claim that would force yet another patent law review world-wide.

    What's next, the wheel or the circle? I think Fred Flintstone would have something to say about that. At least Yabba dabba doo!

  30. Anonymous Coward
    Big Brother

    Beware, El Reg!

    Surely Apple has found a way to patent all jokes featuring Apple?

  31. Bush_rat
    Devil

    Curse you, you deceptive tricksters!

    That's alright though, cause i patented April Fools Jokes, so suit up!

  32. Tim Bates

    April fool's?

    Or telling the future?

    Actually - I hope no Apple management types read this article... They might get ideas.

  33. pip25
    Unhappy

    I... actually believed the rectangle claim too

    Have to think about this for a minute. Am I this biased against Apple, or have patent wars become so insane that I'm no longer surprised by anything?

  34. web_bod
    Flame

    I had to go and have a lie down half way through reading this - really lost my rag - feckin' April fools shite should carry a health warning.

    Well done though - b**ds!

  35. DvorakUser
    Pint

    Got me.

    Although this doesn't sound too far-fetched for Apple (or even Microsoft), what really tipped me off was when I thought for a second about the patent number. Good one, guys.

  36. Guy 2
    Devil

    Hmmm

    Love the patent number ;-)

  37. James O'Brien
    Coffee/keyboard

    Heh

    Nice one Reg. You all owe me a new keyboard cause I just killed mine from the tea I was drinking while reading the patent. The whole Apple owning the "rectangle" thing had me laughing my ass off.

    As for the delay in me posting this, its my day off so it shows you how much I care to check news sites :P

  38. bpfh
    Trollface

    Here is the patent guys

    It's for a radiator valve :)

    http://patimg1.uspto.gov/.piw?Docid=01042012&homeurl=http%3A%2F%2Fpatft.uspto.gov%2Fnetacgi%2Fnph-Parser%3FSect1%3DPTO1%2526Sect2%3DHITOFF%2526d%3DPALL%2526p%3D1%2526u%3D%25252Fnetahtml%25252FPTO%25252Fsrchnum.htm%2526r%3D1%2526f%3DG%2526l%3D50%2526s1%3D1,042,012.PN.%2526OS%3DPN%2F1,042,012%2526RS%3DPN%2F1,042,012&PageNum=&Rtype=&SectionNum=&idkey=NONE&Input=View+first+page

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  40. Crofty616
    Unhappy

    *sigh*

    Its funny because it could be true.... :(

  41. sisk Silver badge

    Hehehe

    An April Fools article that links to a patent for a valve that releases hot air from radiators. That brought a smile to my face.

  42. AnonymousNow

    Today, IP law is simply a mechanism of corruption

    The policy behind IP law is to encourage people to create new tools and new ways of solving problems. Today, IP law is simply a mechanism of corruption, a tool to keep the .01% in domination so no one can create anything that they will not then own. And it's just one reason why the 99.9% are being destroyed.

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