back to article Playboy TV offers 'Jacq off' special package

The ultimate demotion of Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, from grim-faced scourge of individual liberty to national joke, came one step closer last night with the launch of Playboy TV’s Jacqui Smith VIP package. Responding to the press furore over the nocturnal viewing habits of Jacqui Smith’s little helper, Richard Timney, they …

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  1. MnM
    Heart

    @Dave

    I was wondering about who piped up with Vanilla, as they were way too familiar with the vernacular. If it was Two Tugs himself, what a smoking gun! The tabloids will be infiltrating VM HQ as we speak. If their DBA is reading this, you know what you have to do ;)

  2. Arnie

    if she had any sense

    she'd get an ssl usenet account and download her filth from there. That way she can say they were linux distro's or maybe a game patch.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    oh to be a fly on the wall...

    ...in the smith household. He must be relegated to sleeping on the sofa by now (unless his porn problem was so serious he'd already taken to doing that on account of his "night-screaming").

    I bet it was raw meat 3 and he's got a big fat black dildo in the bottom of his sock drawer with some poppers and lube. Possibly bought on HM.gov's expense!

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Virgin Media pr0n

    A neighbour tells me that they have this on-demand porn like BBC's iPlayer or Sky's Box Office so you wouldn't have to watch the linear broadcast porn anyway... you know, if it was the middle of the day or something and the mrs was out at an important "hoodies cause cancer" briefing and you couldn't get your internet to work so went looking on the tv instead...

    And given that the other films he bought were pay-per-view on-demand affairs, maybe he was just "testing the menu systems" and had an accident, putting in his pin-number and pressing confirm a couple of times?

    That's what my neighbour speculates, anyway...

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    @RW

    I'm not aware of her status as a female ever being proven in a court of law, however in the court of public opinion...

  6. Throatwobbler Mangrove
    Thumb Down

    I am very disappointed at the reaction here

    You are all being incredibly short-sighted. If anything, this whole affair just reinforces the need for some of the government's security plans to be brought forward as soon as possible.

    None of this would have happened if there had been a National ID card and proper use of biometrics. The grot-watcher would have simply swiped his ID card through the set-top box and provided a quick saliva sample, at which point the box would have been able to cross-reference his viewing privileges with National Pornography Access Register and provide him with a list of movies which are appropriate for a man of his age and interests. If he chose to watch a film, the set-top box would have billed his credit card and then uploaded a clearly marked "BONGO FILM - NOT RECLAIMABLE FROM EXPENSES" notification to his employer and tax office.

    It's really quite simple, and there's no need for puerile schadenfreude whatsoever. Thank God the government has the vision to overcome the mental midget porn - I mean, mental midgets here.

  7. Eddy Ito Silver badge
    Go

    potential [what]dangle winner

    Well folks, "Jacq off" certainly comes close to filling the bill but unfortunately for Playboy, and fortunately for the rest of you, at two words it does not qualify. Remember you are competing for absolutely nothing and I can personally guarantee the winner will receive, via parcel post, absolutely nothing from me in four to six weeks.

  8. elderlybloke
    Happy

    Sex Scandels

    in UK, a couple of decades ago was dozens (true) of Tory MPs , who were found to be sexual deviants .

    It may be better to stick to Labour.

    Also , as I live down in the South Pacific, east of Australia, I have no idea what / who Scat and BDSM are.

    Could someone enlighten me, in rest period between falling over laughing.

    Ta, TTFN

  9. James Pickett

    Mind's eye

    "links between porn and the acting out of sexual fantasy"

    Perhaps it's the only way she can get Mr Timney to co-operate... :-)

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Ann Summers

    Currently have an MP special on too - 40% off certain DVDs....

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    well its probably safe to say....

    that wacky jaquie's hubby had his "personal liberty" well under control that night....

  12. Mike Bell
    Stop

    Sofa so good

    "He must be relegated to sleeping on the sofa by now"

    "Private Eye" reports we payed for that, too. Apparently she claimed £704 for a sofa-bed for her "second" home. Still, it's probably a very nice, comfy sofa...

  13. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    RE: On Vanilla... @: Sentry23, dave et al.

    I think you will find that the use of "vanilla" to denote "plain", "boring", "standard", "un-exotic" is related to ice-cream and pre-dates the whole BDSM think by quite some years.

    I am not sure where you come from / live but here in the English speaking world (i.e. the world) vanilla is commonly used as an adjective for pretty much anything where there are plain and non-plain variants.

  14. Toastan Buttar
    Boffin

    'Vanilla' in BDSM Terminology

    When I see the word 'Boring' in a sentence concerning BDSM, my mind tends to wander more towards:

    http://www.mytoolstore.com/milwauke/1675-6.html (Safe For Work *)

    rather than the more common use as 'likely to cause boredom'.

    (* So long as you remember to wear safety goggles)

  15. MinionZero
    Joke

    Vanilla?

    I doubt it was Vanilla porn. Considering poor Timney's choice in women, I would guess he's into S & M :)

    ... especially after she told him what she thinks about the porn! ;)

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    @elderly bloke

    Sorry to admit I know this, but:

    Scat - Involving play with fecal matter

    BDSM - Bondage, Discipline, Sadism & Masochism

    I'll go and wash my hands now.

  17. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Is Mrs. Timney really a puritan or a prude? with footnote on the nature of BDSM

    It's possible that she's neither puritan nor prude, but thinks "gee, now I is da Home Secretary so I's got to act tough on da pervs." And meanwhile secretly enjoys in private the delights of an extensive wardrobe of leather and latex (bought, we hope, not at public expense, but keep looking through those receipts, lads!)

    As for BDSM, now that elderlybloke has managed to pick himself up off the floor after being confronted with the facts of life as they are in the 21st century, I can assure him that most of the practitioners are very weak tea indeed. I used to attend the weekly munches of a local kink group, but got tired of their unending emphasis on whip/spank/beat/flog/flagellate with distinct hints of school-girlish giggles over doing "something dirty". In fact, it was all extremely tame and even more extremely boring. Tough ol' pervs like me need stronger meat than that.

    More anent Mrs. Timney: Maybe Sarah Bee should take her shopping?

  18. Andus McCoatover

    Challenge!!!

    When Thorpe was Liberal leader (67-76) wasn't there an expression "I'll be buggered if I vote Liberal"*.

    Excellent!

    Can't some wag come out with something better than "Jacq off"? (Although it's pretty good...)

    * 'Nuther was "Vote Liberal, or I'll shoot your dog"

    Ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeremy_Thorpe#Homosexuality_Scandal

  19. Anonymous Coward
    Unhappy

    Stupidity

    It's the stupidity that gets me (as well as the potential corruption) - who the hell pays for porn?

    We, the taxpayers, have already bought them at least one PC and a broadband connection. Have they not got the intelligence to find all the porn they want free on the net like just about everyone else.

  20. James
    Happy

    Appropriate ...

    .. as I write this comment the number of comments is shown as 69...

    However, I suggest that from henceforth The Register use the mnemonic JAS (for Jacquis' Additional Services) rather that Pr0n or whatever other rearrangement of letters is in current use. Perhaps the hark-back to JAZZ -

    Quote:

    "JAS, JASS, JAZ JASCZ, or just plain JAZZ

    It is said that the expression -'Jazz'- arose during the late nineteenth century in the better brothels of New Orleans, which provided music and dancing as well as sex. "

    Sounds pretty appropriate to me !

  21. Dan Breen
    Thumb Up

    NO FAIR!

    The link from the front page suggests there's a playmobile reconstruction for this story!!!

    False advertising - I call shenanigans - we want our playmobile reconstruction dammit!

    No idea how you'd spin this using playmobile but it would be fun to see.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Paris Hilton

    staying up all night

    ha ha....i get it...erm, you DID mean it that way, didn't you?

    @Big Bear - did you mean the evil heifer icon?

    @Dark Ian - Yes, that's called the rhythm method.

    Paris. Cause she's not allowed to use literary devices either....only battery powered ones.

  23. Juan Inamillion
    Joke

    I wonder

    Does this means Wacky Jacq has vanilla sex with a Flake of a husband?

    Isn't that a '99'?

    Or am I only 'half' right?

    I think I need a little lie down, there there.

  24. Anonymous Coward
    Alert

    Can we have a "whip-round" for the poor lad?

    I have an old copy of "boss bitches 3" on DVD he can have - untraceable! Whats her consituency address?

  25. Tom
    Heart

    FAO Inocuous petition masters....

    Please search for 'jacqui smith' on the petition search page, you'll be presented with litteraly thousands of already active petitions.

    Please wipe the foam from your mouths and form a decent lynch mob as least.

    by the way, I saw this lass earlier, I'm ashamed to say it, but the image she protrayed reminded me of the most basic of instincts. Am I going to jail now? I can't work it out these days....

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