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The pitfalls of online shopping at the Evil Empire were revealed in their full horror to a monogamous South Yorkshire couple, who found 12 Mates condoms added to their Tesco.com shopping list. Lynn Newby discovered the illicit prophylactics in the Favourites list after logging on to the shopping account she shared with …

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  1. Wile E. Veteran
    Boffin

    Also used to use them for....

    ... a very sensitive diaphragm in a simple "dispstick" device for finding the level of Liquid Helium in a helium-dewar-inside-a-liquid-nitrogen-dewar flask.

    We made a long hollow tube of 3mm stainless-steel tubing stock and welded a 5cm "cup" to one end. Stretching a condom over the cup and keeping one's finger on the tight diaphragm, the tube was slowly lowered into the flask. When the end of the tube got to just above the liquid helium, a definite movement of the diaphragm could be felt. The depth of the tube at that point yielded the amount of liquid helium in the dewar.

    Of course, the sudden cold tended to damage the condom after just a couple of uses* and so we went through a lot of condoms. This was in about 1970 and condoms were still kept hidden and had to be asked for. University rules prevented ordering them directly ("You want a gross of condoms for what!?") so we snuck them through on petty cash. We'd always send Linda, the prettiest female grad student (and best sport) to get them. It would always cause quite a stir when she went in and asked for her "supplies!"

    * uses in this application, anyway.

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  2. Anonymous Coward
    Happy

    @Tawakalna

    Thanks...glad I wasn't drinking anything when I read that> :-)

    @ac - re: Desert rifle protectors...damn straight I don't want sand in my barrel.

    @ac -re: Chateau de Spermicide, 2007, sir? erm, thanks, but I've given up that vintage, really i have.

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  3. Chris G

    Other uses

    Six of them, plaited into two plaits of three each will help you to make a useable catapult in a survival situation. Actually I just made that up but i might try it to see if it works.

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  4. Richard Cartledge
    Happy

    Sounds like a serious 'slip up' to me.

    Sounds like a serious 'slip up' to me.

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    She is not paranoid if ...

    ... there is plenty of other evidence that is not in the article.

    Or if she just wanted to watch him squirm.

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  6. Sceptical Bastard

    @ Sarah Bee

    Loathe as I am to invoke the withering ire of our feared-and-respected-in-equal-measure Moderatrix...

    "I'm guessing they weren't using them since they were in long-term relationship."

    Eh? If you're committed you can't use contraception? How's that work, Sarah?

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  7. Franklin

    @ Sarah Bee

    "I think most people would have a bit of a moment of paranoia at the very least."

    Well, now, that's a rather stunning indictment of the human condition, I must say. Are most people really so insecure that the first thing they leap to is "My mate is cheating on me," rather than something simpler and less damning?

    Seems like all the nutjobs that hang around Groom Lake, Nevada: "Hey, check it out! Area 51 is a secret military airbase where they test new prototypes of secret aircraft, and I see something in the sky I can't identify! That means it must be...SPACE ALIENS!"

    If it were me, I'd assume any number of things before pitching a fit at my lover about it. I'd like to think I'm in the majority here, but if what you say is true...wow, that's lame.

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  8. Daniel

    @Sarah Bee

    "I'm guessing they weren't using them since they were in long-term relationship. I think most people would have a bit of a moment of paranoia at the very least."

    Well damn, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with you, either.

    You either know and trust your partner, or you accept that you've chosen to be with someone you don't trust, and you deal with it. If my partner acted the way this woman acted, we'd be having a serious talk about just where the relationship was headed.

    Oh, before anyone gets any ideas - I've been married for 10 years now, so I know it's possible to maintain a relationship with these standards.

    -Daniel

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  9. John Stirling
    Thumb Down

    nice to know their priorities

    I bought biscuits from tesco 6 years ago which turned out to be 6 weeks past their sell by date (yeah, I know should have checked, do now). My wife spent 5 days in hospital with food poisoning.

    They were the only thing she ate that I didn't.

    Unfortunately I made the mistake of retuning the biscuits, with the result that I got a letter essentially saying 'you cannot prove it was the biscuits, so f**k off.

    I'm not a huge fan.

    It cost them around £120 per week for the last 6 years, but I'm still bitter since it cost me a weekend away for our first wedding anniversary.

    Don't quote me on the dates.

    The only reason they were nice about this was the advertising potential, other than that decent corporate behaviour is something they've heard of.

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  11. Dave Murray
    Stop

    Read the fecking screen, lusers!

    Tesco regularly add all kinds of special offers into the middle of the favourites list. It's easy to spot them, they have 'special offer' and 'why not try' written on them, they also don't have a 'remove from favourites' button. Clearly neither of this couple know how to use the website properly and need to try reading what's actually on the screen instead of assuming they know what something says. Tesco should never have sent them that £100.

    Must remember to claim I'm alergic to nuts next time they recommend a special offer on Nobby's Nuts.

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  12. Sam

    @Sarah Bee + Daniel

    4 years a relationship?? 10 years Daniel??

    Today I'm celebrating our Pearl anniversary.

    Wimps.

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  14. Trevor Watt

    Hummph

    When I called up to complain that the condoms were missing from my home delivery and all I had received was the empty outer box I never got £100 for a ruined love life.

    No, all I got was laughed at by the call centre woman and a refund of the price.

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  15. Captain DaFt
    Joke

    More uses

    They make good protectors for ciggys, cigars and lighters when you're at the beach.

    (But if you want to use them for this, be careful of the brands you smoke. There's nothing like the looks you get when you ask for a box of rubbers for a pack of Camels!)

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  16. Ian
    Happy

    Hehehehe

    Her name's Newby

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  17. Daniel

    @Sam

    Congratulations! However, since I was still in diapers when you started your relationship, I think my 10 years is perfectly appropriate. :) I also think 10 years is long enough to demonstrate my point - namely, that I'm not talking out my ass. In my experience, a partnership is about many things, but it's built on trust. If you don't have that, then you're automatically on rocky ground. Don't try to blame a retailer screw up for your messed up relationship.

    -Daniel

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  18. Sceptical Bastard
    Coat

    A true gentleman never berates a lady

    Daniel: "Well damn, I'm glad I'm not in a relationship with you, either."

    I say! Steady on! That's a bit ungallant, old chap. Are you suggesting that our gorgeously glamorous, sassily sharp-tongued, wittily withering, oh-so-slightly domme and voluptuous Moderatrix wouldn't be a wonderful catch for any lucky man? Shame on you, sir! Shame!

    Mines the one with 'Toady' printed across the back.

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  19. stuart meadowcroft
    Coat

    They sent you 4 year's worth?

    I didn't know they sold in packs that small.

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  20. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: @ Sarah Bee

    Kane: Damn straight.

    Sceptical: Women in long-term relationships often take the pill or get injections, don't they? The absence of johnnies in a house if you've lived with someone for x amount of time is kind of symbolic of the trust you have that no one's shagging around and bringing home nasties, so it works that the opposite would be true and the presence of a small packet of Mates, even virtually, would be immediately suggestive of infidelity.

    (Oh and you are too kind and entirely correct on the other thing, obv.)

    Which brings me to

    Franklin: I know how this thread's going and you're really riding the crest of the crazy-bitch wave there and I might as well just go and sharpen some pencils, but come on, you're telling me you've never had a worried moment that turned out to be unfounded? About anything? Really?

    That Nevada comparison is what's lame, and you're an android if you can't perceive how other people - even fairly normal non-hysterics of either sex - sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion out of anxiety. I'm not saying she didn't overreact but in fact we don't know what she said or how long the argument was - chances are she calmed down quicker than you think.

    Or should I put that in binary for you?

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  21. bobbles31
    Coat

    @Sam

    I tried to give my girlfriend pearls once. It went straight over her head.

    I know I know, pass it here.

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  22. bobbles31

    Pokes head above the parrapit

    Looks like this is a touchy subject for Sarah.

    Come on Sarah, we are all friends here. Is there something you want to get off your chest?

    </ducks>

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  23. Mike Groombridge
    Stop

    @ all those questioning the great and powerful sarah

    Oh come on it says the girl accused him not that she went bunny boiler if my girlfriend found them on my favorites i'd expect to be accused of buying them remember accused means being questioned about if you have proformed an action. it says more that you lot wouldn't even expect to be quieried about or would get upset if you were.

    and lets face it after most of my friends in long term relationships have stopped with the rubber mates and (the woman admittedly) has moved to the pill or the injection as there conterception method as it's easier.

    I know to much about this due to having a female friend whose allegic to latex and one night in the bar we had to listen as she decided what method to use and her friends all came out with what they use.

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  24. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    Re: Pokes head above the parrapit

    Parapet.

    It isn't, actually. Why would you assume that there has to be personal investment in any opinion beyond the wishy-washy?

    Twit.

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  25. Onionman

    Mate (sic) of mine

    When supermarkets started sellign condoms, started picking up a packet and dropping it into old people's shopping trolleys when they weren't looking.

    His reasoning?

    Picture the scene at the checkout. Darby looks into the trolley, see them, thinks for a moment, then turns to Joan and gives her a lovely smile and a warm wink as he realises he's on a promise tonight...Joan wonder what she's done to deserve a look like that, but realises she's on a promise tonight. Exit left, smiling.

    Alternatively, blood gets spilt, but then you can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

    O

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  26. Sceptical Bastard

    @ Sarah again / a good aspect of Tesco

    C'mon, Madam Moderatrix - surely you can do better than 'twit'? Show yer fangs, gal.

    Re your reply (above), I see your point up to a point. However, rubbers are primarily intended for contraception (with the added bonus of acting as prophylactic against many sexually transmitted diseases) and for many long-term couples they are still the birth control method of choice. After all, not all women want their hormones fucked over by the pill or jab.

    In the Tesco imbroglia, it was obviously a household where condoms were not on the menu (so to speak) hence it's understandable that the woman was a tad suspicious.

    Mind you, serves 'em right for shopping at Tesco. The best that can be said of that ugly, aggressive and expansionist conglomerate is that it's shops keep the riff-raff out of Waitrose.

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  27. amanfromMars Silver badge
    Paris Hilton

    oh-so-slightly domme would then be leading with latent desire? ..... Yes Please.

    "I say! Steady on! That's a bit ungallant, old chap. Are you suggesting that our gorgeously glamorous, sassily sharp-tongued, wittily withering, oh-so-slightly domme and voluptuous Moderatrix wouldn't be a wonderful catch for any lucky man? Shame on you, sir! Shame!"... By Sceptical Bastard Posted Wednesday 23rd July 2008 07:35 GMT

    Nothing anywhere near Sub-Prime in that Heavenly Vehicle, Sceptical Bastard, and Well Worth Vasectomy's Honour Sacrifice for Perfect Peace of Mind/FailSafe Play Relative to ProCreation, for Passengers/Fleeting Ships in the Night. Although a tad drastic, I suppose. :-) ....So it must be for Love ?

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  28. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Other Uses 23432b

    Fucking girls.

    Or blokes if you're so inclined.

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  29. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Just a little bit of extortion

    I was about to write something about the couple needing to divorce ASAP if a pack of condoms causes them such aggravation when it occurred to me that the whole fuss was most likely raised just to shake a few quid out of Tesco.

    And it worked.

    But if I were Tesco I would have refunded them the rubbers (if they've been charged for them in the first plane) then told them to go **** themselves using the newly acquired merchandise.

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  30. Anonymous Coward
    Dead Vulture

    @Sceptical Bastard and Daniel

    one of the single girls i know has just broke up out of a long term (well over six month's anyway) relationship because her partner wouldn't stop carring a condom round with him after she had decided she should go on the jab. then she noticed it changed every now and then she asked him why it changed when they weren't using it together( i was there it was after her birthday party and i was on sleeping on the sofa that night) he throw a nut and stromed out the house and never came back. never found out if he was cheating on her or just liked to change the condom in his wallet weekly.

    so in her case getting the jab was a test of trust and he failed.

    Not that i minded after the mild rage caused be the fact she thought he was cheating on her. i got to spend the night comforting her in here underwear :-) since i'm crazy for her and she's told me i'm deeply embedded in the friend zone and she does not want to risk are friendship cuddling her in her underwear was a result :- )

    AC incase some one who knows her is reading

    and the dead vulture cause thats what i wanted to do to the cheating *&^%$£"$£$)(

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  31. Sarah Bee (Written by Reg staff)

    @AC (underwear cuddle)

    !

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  32. Anthony Mark
    Thumb Down

    Re: underwear cuddle.

    Can you say "abuse of trust"?

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  33. Chris Hunt

    Overreaction?

    Do bear in mind that many folks outside the IT profession have a touching faith in the infallability of computers. Whilst most of us here, on reading the printout, would probably consider the liklihood of Tesco being in error; for many folks "if the computer says it, it must be true".

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  34. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    @AC underwear cuddle

    " then she noticed it changed every now and then "

    What was she doing regularly digging through his wallet?

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  35. Patrick Bateman
    Stop

    A £100?!?

    My family once dined on a fine risotto of brown rice infested with fecking weevils, and bloody Tesco only gave me £10! A hundred big ones for a slight mix up that probably took those whingeing b**rds five minutes to sort out?! (and one of them probably IS having an affair!). They'll be off work with stress and taking it to the Hague next. And another thing! Amazon has several times recommended me nudie photography books when I, or anyone else using my PC, never even looked at anything related, let alone bought it!! Oh, look, now I've gone and sprayed the monitor with spittle again.

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  36. TeeCee Gold badge
    Coat

    @Alistair Millington

    ".....cheap PR coop....."

    A great place to put those bird-brained PR flacks behind this story methinks.

    The one with all the bird crap and feathers on it thanks.

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  38. Law
    Paris Hilton

    RE:RE @ Sarah Bee

    "Or should I put that in binary for you? "

    I would love you to do that... meh, its lunch time - here ya go:

    01000110 01110010 01100001 01101110 01101011 01101100 01101001 01101110 00111010 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110100 01101000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01100111 01101111 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00100000 01110010 01101001 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100011 01110010 01100001 01111010 01111001 00101101 01100010 01101001 01110100 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01001001 00100000 01101101 01101001 01100111 01101000 01110100 00100000 01100001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01100101 01101100 01101100 00100000 01101010 01110101 01110011 01110100 00100000 01100111 01101111 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100001 01110010 01110000 01100101 01101110 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101110 01100011 01101001 01101100 01110011 00101100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110100 01100101 01101100 01101100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01101101 01100101 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101110 01100101 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01100100 00100000 01100001 00100000 01110111 01101111 01110010 01110010 01101001 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110100 01110101 01110010 01101110 01100101 01100100 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01100010 01100101 00100000 01110101 01101110 01100110 01101111 01110101 01101110 01100100 01100101 01100100 00111111 00100000 01000001 01100010 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111001 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01100111 00111111 00100000 01010010 01100101 01100001 01101100 01101100 01111001 00111111 00001101 00001010 00001101 00001010 01010100 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01001110 01100101 01110110 01100001 01100100 01100001 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101101 01110000 01100001 01110010 01101001 01110011 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101001 01110011 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100111 01110011 00100000 01101100 01100001 01101101 01100101 00101100 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100111 01110010 01100101 00100000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01100100 01110010 01101111 01101001 01100100 00100000 01101001 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01110000 01100101 01110010 01100011 01100101 01101001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101111 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110000 01100101 01101111 01110000 01101100 01100101 00100000 00101101 00100000 01100101 01110110 01100101 01101110 00100000 01100110 01100001 01101001 01110010 01101100 01111001 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110010 01101101 01100001 01101100 00100000 01101110 01101111 01101110 00101101 01101000 01111001 01110011 01110100 01100101 01110010 01101001 01100011 01110011 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100101 01101001 01110100 01101000 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110011 01100101 01111000 00100000 00101101 00100000 01110011 01101111 01101101 01100101 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 01110011 00100000 01101010 01110101 01101101 01110000 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110111 01110010 01101111 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100011 01101111 01101110 01100011 01101100 01110101 01110011 01101001 01101111 01101110 00100000 01101111 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101111 01100110 00100000 01100001 01101110 01111000 01101001 01100101 01110100 01111001 00101110 00100000 01001001 00100111 01101101 00100000 01101110 01101111 01110100 00100000 01110011 01100001 01111001 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101001 01100100 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100011 01110100 00100000 01100010 01110101 01110100 00100000 01101001 01101110 00100000 01100110 01100001 01100011 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100101 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101 00100000 01110011 01100001 01101001 01100100 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01101000 01101111 01110111 00100000 01101100 01101111 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100111 01110101 01101101 01100101 01101110 01110100 00100000 01110111 01100001 01110011 00100000 00101101 00100000 01100011 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100011 01100101 01110011 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110011 01101000 01100101 00100000 01100011 01100001 01101100 01101101 01100101 01100100 00100000 01100100 01101111 01110111 01101110 00100000 01110001 01110101 01101001 01100011 01101011 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100001 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01101110 01101011 00101110

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  39. Stef
    Coat

    @Law

    Am I the only one to see the burning flames of hell in all that binary?

    working too hard today obviously!

    ...wossat? hometime? hooray!

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  41. DirkGently

    Is someone...

    ... a Fine Young Cannibals fan? Looking at the sub-headline, it's either that or a coincidence.

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  42. Chris Rafferty
    Happy

    Well I'm for those who don't like converting BIN to Text Here it is

    Well I'm for those who don't like converting BIN to Text Here it is

    Franklin: I know how this thread's going and you're really riding the crest of the crazy-bitch wave there and I might as well just go and sharpen some pencils, but come on, you're telling me you've never had a worried moment that turned out to be unfounded? About anything? Really?

    That Nevada comparison is what's lame, and you're an android if you can't perceive how other people - even fairly normal non-hysterics of either sex - sometimes jump to the wrong conclusion out of anxiety. I'm not saying she didn't overreact but in fact we don't know what she said or how long the argument was - chances are she calmed down quicker than you think.

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  43. Cathryn Symons
    Linux

    Nice story

    The cynic in me wonders if it came on a press release from Tesco.

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