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back to article FBI issues prosthetic pregnant belly bomb alert

The FBI and Department of Homeland Security are warning US law enforcement agencies to keep a sharp look-out for "a new type of terrorism" in which apparently-pregnant women suddenly go bang due to the fact they aren't really mums-to-be at all, but cold-hearted suicide bombers packing explosives inside a swelling prosthetic …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Is it me?

    Or have the anti-terrorism alerts evolved into parody?

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  2. Julian Bond
    Stop

    The current terror level

    Has been upgraded from "Chicken Tikka Masala" to "A nice cup of tea and a biscuit".

    You have been warned.

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  3. Paul
    Joke

    Exploding arse

    "And then there is of course the explosive arse."

    Well, would *you* want to be trapped in an airliner next to someone who'd binged on Guinness and vindaloo the night before? I'd feel less mortally threatened sat next to the mad-eyed middle-eastern-looking guy whose shoes were ticking...

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  4. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    I wonder how the anthrax is coming along

    > Or have the anti-terrorism alerts evolved into parody?

    No, but the bill on eavesdropping by arbitary decision at the pleasure of His Most Excellent and Esteemed Unitary Leader and President with retroactive amnety for the telecom outfits who abided by His Earlier Will (while the taxman and general tsarist nastiness will do for such traitors as Qwest) is currently being discussed in the senate.

    Ah no. Strike that. It passed with comfortable majority.

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  5. Anonymous Coward
    Black Helicopters

    Satire

    I have to admit that when I saw this detailed 'threat' was supported by "no specific, credible intelligence", but that they'd gone ahead anyway, the only thing I could think of was Brass Eye: "Now that is scientific fact - there's no real evidence for it - but it is scientific fact".

    Somehow I doubt anyone could successfully satirise most of the 'terror' warnings as they're already a joke.

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  6. t c
    Coat

    My solution

    We should simply not allow women to wear clothing. That should take care of the problem.

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  7. Jon Tocker

    It's called:

    "Pre-empting".

    They KNOW it's only a matter of time before one of the twitchy morons in their staggeringly-large number of ARMED Law Enforcement/Security/Military/Espionage agencies throws a spasm and accidentally blows away some harmless pregnant white chick who has a Southern accent so broad you could actually carve bits off it and sell it to the clinically "under-accented".

    So they are releasing advisories about "explosive preggy bellies" and "using people who look and sound American" NOW to cover their arses against any backlash later.

    @ I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects:

    Speak for yourself, I personally wouldn't give the bastard the steam off my turds.

    @ "Good to see... " by AC:

    "But why disguise yourself as a pregnant women (max explosive carrying capacity circa 10lbs) when you can disguise yourself as an average American and smuggle 200lbs of explosives under a golf shirt?"

    That'll be the next preemptive "advisory" based on "no specific, credible intelligence" to cover them should they accidentally blow away some poor lard-arse frantically huffing his way through a crowded public area to get to the doughnut stand - the cops are likely to become quite intimidated by a large bulky mass bearing down upon where they are gathered...

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  8. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    It Is Only A Small Advancement

    This serious and frightening disclosure by an important TLA (three-letter agency) is merely a first step in GWB's plan for slowing the proliferation of unwed/unskilled/uneducated Mothers in the USA, and for mitigating the horrible financial burden they place upon more productive (non-child bearing) members of society.

    In the future, all pregnant females must be escorted by a blood relative (husband, father, brother, etc) who is of good standing in the community, who can attest that the female is actually and honorably gravid.

    While we're at it, why don't we mandate that all pregnant females must wear robes of concealment. For the good of the unborn child, of course. Maybe we could withdraw their right to vote as well. Crazy idea, giving potential terrorists the right to vote. What would happen if they voted against an important bit of anti-terrorist legislation? Such as retroactive immunity for large criminal organizations that violate federal wiretapping laws?

    ......ah, mine's the duster. With the oilskin finish.

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  9. jeanl

    crazy

    this is crazy. We should counter attack by provide free humanity education lessons to those Islamic nations aggressively as long term investment, as well as try convert them into any other religions away from Islam.

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  10. John
    Coat

    Good enough for Mary.

    Women should only travel by donkey, just like in the old days.

    Mine's the fat suit on the steel peg.

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  11. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    Plastic explosives, perhaps?

    No alert for explosive breast implants then?

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  12. Phillip Rhodes
    Alert

    what a load of bollocks

    In the United States and in Great Britain, our own government(s) are the biggest threat to our way of life. What's hard to understand is how two lots of people like yanks and brits, both with rich heritages of valuing freedom and liberty (Magna Carta anybody? Declaration of Independence? Thomas Paine and "Common Sense? etc?) have allowed their respective societies to devolve into this near Orwellian state of fascist totalitarianism. I mean, you lot have more surveillance cameras per capita than any nation in the world, right? And both of our governments are trying to implement National ID cards, which should absolutely be anathema to a free society.

    Makes one wonder where it's all going to end...

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  13. Rebecca Putman
    Flame

    I'm surprised...

    ...that BushCo thinks it can still cry "Wolf!" Don't they realize we don't believe them anymore?

    Stupid gits. It only took me about a year after Dumbya took office for me to figure out that I listen to what they say, turn it around 180 degrees, and that'd be the real truth.

    If John Edwards hadn't dropped out of the race, I'd be voting for him. Instead I'll vote for... yeah, I'm not tellin'! ;D

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  14. Anonymous Coward
    Coat

    @ I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects

    >> If George Bush died and we were invited to send a turd to to make a pile of shit to bury him in, the fund would be oversubscribed in an hour. <<

    It wouldn't take an hour to be over-subscribed... wouldn't even take five minutes... five SECONDS is more like it.

    I'm outta here... can't take the hilarity any longer.

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  15. Spleen

    Re: Matt Bryant

    Explosives secreted inside condoms and given to a drug mule. Good one. You should work for the security services and help them cook up new elaborate terrorist schemes to "warn the public" about.

    We could turn it into a party game. Twenty seconds to come up with a new terror warning, or you pay a forfeit. Let's see... the terrorist drinks one half of a binary explosive and injects the other half into his balls. Once on board the plane he uses the airline toilet, has a piss and then a wank, combining the explosive. Bang.

    Too far-fetched? Ok, it is almost certainly chemically and medically impossible (though I think I could still get the FBI or MI5 to believe it, let alone the Daily Mail), but I've got more. Terrorists will hack into satnav systems and recreate the old maths puzzle, so that a lorry carrying nuclear waste, a petrol tanker and a Swan Vesta delivery truck all approach a crossroads at high speed at the same time as another terrorist turns all the lights to green.

    We could do this all day. Terrorists will sneak into zoos, cut all the wire fences and inject all the tigers with crack cocaine using a modified tranquiliser gun. Terrorists will save up spare change, then throw whole bagfuls of them off skyscrapers. (Also wouldn't work, but see above.) Terrorists will rise at dawn and string up piano wire coated with poison at neck height along cycle paths.

    Now, why is it that according to the media, terrorists have hundreds upon hundreds of options available to them, yet don't seem to take them? Say I was a radical mullah and I had ten jihadist youths in front of me, ready to kill. I wouldn't get them making explosives, which would run the risk of discovery. I would send give them hunting knives and send them to ten different shopping centres across the country, and tell them to get as many people as possible before they were taken down. If you want to create a climate of terror then you need frequent, low-tech and random assaults, to make people think "If I go out, I'm in danger", not elaborate high-profile schemes. Ten attacks killing five people each would be ten times more effective than a single attack killing fifty.

    Your supposed terrorist leaders aren't stupid. They know this. So why don't they do it? Because they *don't exist* on any scale large enough to worry about more than whether you'll be struck by lightning. They exist only in the sense that you allow O'Brien to define your reality. There are disturbed youths out there, some of whom may actually make the huge mental leap necessary to stop talking about committing an act of terrorism but actually *do it*, but they are not a significant threat to this country.

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  16. Matt Bryant Silver badge
    Boffin

    RE: Spleen

    I'm amazed! The mental health institutes have a computer that works immersed in sand (along with your head)! Either that or it works rectally (a probable other location for your head). This would be the same terrorists - Al Quaeda - that flew commercial airliners into the Twin Towers, blew up the trains in Madrid, and bombed the London tubes (ah, hold on a sec, you're probably one of them conspiracy idiotists that deny those events ever happened!). I bet you used to ridicule the idea that an AQ attack could ever happen in London/Madrid/wherever.

    In your research-free rant, you also forgot that Bin Laden considers himself at war with the Western capitalist machine, hence his attempts to attack it's symbols (such as the World Trade Center) and mechanisms (such as transportation), and especially the workers (hence the attacks on major cities rather than small towns). You may also have noticed (actually, you probably haven't cos you can't see very well from under the sand or up your own arse) that AQ deliberately targets civilians in these attacks, not military installations, is happy to "sacrifice" their operatives in such "matyrdom" missions, always disguises these operatives as civilains, and has pledged to do as many attacks as it can, only it is rather busy trying to hide from the current CIA/MI6/FSB/Guoanbu/just-about-every-secret-service-in-the-world attempts to find and kill them. That is what is currently stopping AQ carrying out more activities in the West.

    Whilst you may feel safe in your padded cell with it's sand floor, the rest of us have to live in the real world, which includes the possibility that AQ (or another terrorist organisation) may attempt more suicide bombings against the West, and will not be too shy at using either women or our own sense of fair-play/sensitivities/PCness or just downright idiocy to their advantage.

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  17. Ian Ferguson
    Thumb Down

    Re: Where did all this anti UnitedStatesandAmericanism come from?

    "30 years ago we forgave them Viet Nam. As anybody could make a mistake."

    I'm sorry, you've lost me there... who are you speaking on behalf of? As far as I can remember, the Vietnam war was more than a mistake. Most civilised people might be willing to forgive them, once they issue a formal apology, start war crimes proceedings, and begin financial compensation to affected Vietnamese families.

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  18. Graham Wood
    Stop

    @Matt Bryant

    To quote someone after the July bombings in London: "I've been bombed by a better class of bas***d than this lot".

    The threat is nowhere near as bad as it is being sold to be. It's a great excuse for the governments involved to get extra controls over their populace in the sake of "defence against these really nasty people".

    Speaking as someone that's been within minutes (and/or a couple of hundred metres) of multiple IRA bombs, I "live in the real world", and still think you're talking complete crap.

    As for the secret services stopping the attacks - it's your turn to be in cloud cuckoo land. If AQ (and any others) were as organised as you claim then there would be multiple unrelated cells ready to act before such a large operation would be taken. They would be "set loose" to act as appropriate before the increased attention - with the result that there would be no way to trace them from the leadership (or the other way around).

    So I suppose what I'm saying is that if the threat really is as bad as you say (which it isn't) then the bodies making these announcements would be a waste of time, along with the announcements. And if it's not, then it's still a complete waste of time. Either way - it's not actually going to change anything... And if they don't actually have any reason for saying it, it's just a complete joke.

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  19. Jason DePriest
    Paris Hilton

    Say what

    @ greg and his 72 virgins

    You'd prefer just a few experienced girls? The 72 virgins are actually *perpetual* virgins so that even after you deflower them, they are still magically virgins. I don't see the appeal either, but I'm not The Prophet Mohamed PBUH.

    @ James and The Hitchiker's Guide

    The ship of useless folks from HHGTTG crashed on Earth. Perhaps it's true after all.

    @ I. Aproveofitspendingonspecificprojects and America is stinky

    It went wrong when corporate interests trumped the safety and security and will of the common people and resulted in the squandering of solidarity of the rest of the world's commitment to us after 9/11. When Bush basically spit on the UN and told many other allies to sod off, they were decidedly miffed. The fact that he admits no wrong-doing and feels his every decision has been the right one only compounds the problem.

    Compare "no specific, credible intelligence" with Bruce Schneier's http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2008/02/latest_news_on.html, specifically the part where an oil rig is evacuated because someone dreamed of a bomb.

    I chose Paris because at this point, she'd be just as effective at running America. Love my country, not so much my leaders.

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  20. Mark

    Re: It's easy to mock.....

    That wasn't the reason why they weren't picked up. Mostly because hijacking a plane is illegal and so they'd pick them up for that.

    No, the only thing this "new idea" of using a 747 as a weapon did was stop people from acceding to the hijacker demands. Before then, people gave them what they wanted because they would go free. Afterward, a dipstick trying to light his shoelace got the shit kicked out of him. Why? Because what was he going to do to stop them? Kill them more???

    It was a one-off shot.

    Nevertheless, the forces didn't decide "well, they are only going to hijack the plane, we'll leave them alone". They didn't know they were there (or if they did, they either let 11/9 happen or were incompetent).

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  21. Robert Moore
    Coat

    @Anonymous Coward 1600 GMT

    As a Canadian I am DEEPLY offended to be compaired to the Americans.

    Americand are mostly:

    Loud

    Obnoxious

    Ignorant

    I hear there are a few exceptions, but I haven't seen them personally.

    Don't get me wrong, I love America. There is only one thing wrong with it. Too many Damn Americans.

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  22. Anonymous Coward
    Joke

    The difference?

    "opens up from the front and the explosives are placed inside"

    And this differs from a normal pregnancy in what way?

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  23. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh, for God's sake...

    How many farking people have ever been killed by terrorists, versus how many are killed by the flu every year? Come on, people, get a grip. Terror threats serve one purpose, which is to keep the population scared. That lets the government work its will with almost no opposition, because it's "security".

    I accidentally smuggled a set of knife blades *twice* on airplanes, before I realized they were in my hand luggage. I was subjected to careful searches, including my shoes. But my handheld case went through the X-ray machine both times without any comment. Oh, I feel real safe.

    It's a dog and pony show to keep people scared and make them more malleable. The US is dying from all the crap it eats, drinks, and smokes, yet the focus is on "terrorists" who have barely done any harm by comparison. By all rights, fast food restaurants should be raided, their food confiscated as WMD, and their personnel taken to Guantanamo for waterboarding.

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