back to article BOFH: Trying to go after IT's budget again?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "So let me get this straight," the PFY says, shaking his head a little to clear his thoughts "Global warming is... our fault." "I didn't say that," the Director blurts. "Anyway, it's called climate change." "You implied it was our fault," the PFY says. "No I didn't!" "Yes you did …

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  1. Caver_Dave
    Thumb Up

    I'm going to quote this!

    "Buying carbon credits is a bit like a serial killer paying someone else to have kids to make his activity cost neutral."

    Brilliant!

    1. Dabooka Silver badge

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      Yep.

      That's in the bank for next time I hear that, which somewhat tragically is too frequent for a sane world.

      1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

        Re: I'm going to quote this!

        Which bank? The sperm one?

    2. JetSetJim Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      Exactly what I came in to post!

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: I'm going to quote this!

        Me too! I was going to say so yesterday, but it's taken since then to clean up the laptop keyboard and screen!

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
          Coat

          Re: I'm going to quote this!

          Yuck, did you mean to imply that, or was it a 'happy accident'.

    3. Oengus Silver badge
      Pint

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      PMSL. Where do I nominate this for simile of the century?

    4. twelsh37

      Re: I'm going to quote this!

      My thoughts exactly

  2. baud Bronze badge
    Devil

    Green

    It feels recycled from the last time the boss tried to buy carbon credits.

    1. bpfh Silver badge

      Re: Green

      Was that the one with that finished with a demonstration to the boss of a managed forest in Scotland, illustrated with a shovel, a roll of carpet and few sacks of quicklime?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Green

        I heard something interesting about quicklime, you have to keep it dry or it acts like a preservative!

      2. scoldog1

        Re: Green

        I think they meant this one

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/02/01/bofh_episode_4/

    2. Jedit
      Angel

      "It feels recycled from the last time the boss tried to buy carbon credits."

      *grabs obvious feed line*

      Well, at least he's recycling.

  3. IceC0ld Silver badge

    BofH to the rescue, as it was starting to be a LONGGGGGGG day :o)

  4. AnotherBoringUsername

    Stopped reading at "IT Budget's"..........criminal grammar failure.

    1. AnotherBoringUsername

      Which has now been corrected....I guess I can continue reading ;)

  5. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    I'll replace the Boss's recycle bin with one made out of magnesium, his fire extringuisher with a petrol one and skedaddle out of there.

    1. Loyal Commenter Silver badge
      Flame

      Hmmm. Magnesium bin? Well, if you're going to go with that, why not put a couple of kilos of thermite mix in the bottom, since it would be a shame to waste that ignition temperature, and just in case the boss finds the real water extinguisher (thermite burns underwater)...

      Bonus points if the bin is on the floor above the underground car-park, and placed directly above the boss's car...

      1. baud Bronze badge

        Nah, it's better with the director's car, with a paper trail leading back the accident to the boss.

      2. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

        Thanks for the corrextion, got magnesium and thermite mixed up. My bad.

        Your idea have merit, a magnesium-thermite combination with an accelerant to ignite the thermite and a water-based fire extinguisher should give off spectacular results.

        Muhuhaha.

        1. G Olson

          Don't use water or petrol; use hydrogen peroxide. Double the accelerant; double the fun.

      3. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Perhaps you could time it to co-incide with a drone hitting the side of the bullding for added conspiracy kudos?

    2. Oengus Silver badge
      Mushroom

      No, after replacing the waste paper bin with the magnesium one just make sure the only extinguisher in the bosses reach is a water one. Water on a magnesium fire is quite spectacular.

    3. DropBear Silver badge

      Somehow I seriously doubt Mg will ignite from a few sheets of A4 paper.

      1. Toltec

        Should work, but to be sure make it a mesh type bin.

      2. G Olson

        Adjust the inside of the bin for proper fit with a file and leave the shavings in the bin.

      3. Luiz Abdala Bronze badge

        You can use the thermite to increase the temperature so the magnesium kicks in. Once it gets going, add the water hydrant.

        That´s just ground aluminum and coal...

        https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Exothermic_welding

  6. RyokuMas Silver badge
    Joke

    Downgrade...

    Petrol filled fire extinguisher? Bit of a step down from swapping the fire suppression system's halon supply for a connection to the gas main... clearly the BOFH is not thinking as big as he once did...

    1. ArrZarr Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Downgrade...

      Sometimes the scale and grandeur is overboard.

      This situation needed the personal torch.

    2. Ordinary Donkey

      Re: Downgrade...

      He's claiming demolition reduction credits.

    3. Stoneshop Silver badge
      Flame

      Re: Downgrade...

      'Halon' would be for the server room; you'll find that office areas tend to have fire 'extinguishers' spread around augmented with 'firehoses', and sometimes you'll see 'sprinklers' fitted to the ceiling.

      The latter being connected to the gas main or not is something I couldn't possibly comment on.

    4. deadlockvictim Silver badge

      Petrol filled fire extinguisher

      Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.

  7. Prst. V.Jeltz Silver badge

    hey! i'm gonna not burn something down too!

    your welcome :)

    1. Rich 11 Silver badge

      This day I have decided not to hire someone big to punch my boss.

      (My mate in the next cubic-hell is sufficiently motivated to do it for free.)

  8. bombastic bob Silver badge
    Unhappy

    I dunno...

    I just didn't find this one all that funny.... and I usually can't stop laughing when I read the BOFH stuff.

    Maybe you should have had Simon push the irritating 'boss' out the window the moment he mentioned "the environmental stuff", and spent the rest of the time on covering it all up and cracking jokes about it with the PFY?

    I see Simon as a logical guy that doesn't like extra work, and would instinctively take issue with governments and regulations and that whole 'climate change' thing...

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: I dunno...

      "Buying carbon credits is a bit like a serial killer paying someone else to have kids to make his activity cost neutral."

      That was worth the entry price alone. In fact I stopped reading the piece to steal it, and text it to a friend. Thus having offset my use of the Earth's finite resources of humour, I continued reading.

      Given his regular penchant for pushing people out of windows, do you think the BOfH has the same health & safety inspector as the town of Midsomer? Which also has an appallingly high death rate for such a small place.

      1. Hero Protagonist
        Devil

        Re: I dunno...

        Are red shirts unusually popular in Midsomer?

        1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

          Re: I dunno...

          Along with people who don't have names :)

      2. scoldog1

        Re: I dunno...

        I still reckon the earlier story about carbon credits is funnier

        https://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/02/01/bofh_episode_4/

  9. Will Godfrey Silver badge

    An enjoable romp

    I like the umm, 'unique' take on carbon offsetting, but feel it was somehow incomplete.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    PFY's Carbon Offset Business

    I expected him to readily agree, and then propose the PFY's very own carbon offset selling business to make the sale!

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

      Carbon capture and burial would be a suitable in house activity.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

        a suitable in house activity.

        Only temporarily, as an intermediate solution. A week or so at most.

        1. Psmo Bronze badge

          Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

          You'd need a big enough freezer.

          1. Chris G Silver badge

            Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

            No, you just need a basement floor , digging tools and some concrete.

            1. FeRDNYC

              Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

              For the love of God, Montresor!

              ...Oh, wait, you were proposing to kill them first. That's fine, then. Carry on!

      2. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

        Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

        You can offset a huge amountof carbon by neutering people before they have children. Just sayin'

        1. FeRDNYC

          Re: PFY's Carbon Offset Business

          Even more by killing them off before they get a chance to spawn. That also makes it way easier to claim a carbon credit for recycling their unmourned corpse. After all, we're going to have to face the environmental impact of cemeteries eventually. To quote George Carlin:

          ~~

          Isn't it time we stopped wasting valuable land on cemeteries? Talk about an idea whose time has passed. "Let's put all the dead people in boxes and keep them in one part of town." What kind of medieval bullshit is that? I say, plow those motherfuckers up and throw them away. Or melt them down. We need the phosphorus for farming. If we're going to recycle, let's get serious!

          ~~

          (Always true to his convictions, after Carlin died in 2008 his body was cremated and his ashes scattered.)

  11. Andy the ex-Brit
    Trollface

    Reminds me of cost saving projects I was on that were totally fake. Assume that we would choose the most expensive solution, then compare all solutions and choose a perfectly normal middle-range one. Instant, huge savings to be claimed by management.

    One time I said in a meeting for such a project, "I saved $2000 today by cycling to work!"

    "You mean per year?"

    "No, I got a quote on chartering a helicopter ride, then cycled here instead. Savings!"

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      It sounds complementary to the way Apple lose money on repairs.

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