back to article Dine crime: Chippy sells deep fried Xmas dinner

Nothing says festive fun like a Chrimbo dinner encased in lovely crispy batter, and as luck would have it, a chippy north of the border is serving up such a wonder to its clientele. Dunkeld Fish Bar in Perthshire is keeping things classy: for just £10, it is selling deep fried turkey goujons, battered devil’s testes Brussel …

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  1. Alister Silver badge

    There are those who quite rightly hate them, and those whose tastebuds checked out years ago.

    Lol, no editorial bias on show here... :)

    1. MyffyW Silver badge

      Under no circumstances whatsoever should one consume sprouts as a nursing mother. The resulting nappies from your offspring are beyond explanation.

      1. Alister Silver badge

        From my recollections of changing my kids' nappies, they needed no encouragement or specific dietary additions to produce a contents which warranted full HAZMAT protocols to be enacted, and a 20 mile exclusion zone.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          kids' nappies, they needed no encouragement or specific dietary additions to produce a contents which warranted full HAZMAT protocols

          Never having had (or wanted) kids I can't confirm - however, in the cat world, the equivalent is your moggie eating either shrews or house martins.

          Both a *violent* emetics. I've never seen a cat projectile-vomit and have the violent runs at the same time before..

          He competely ignored birds from that moment on.

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Obligatory video from Bottom. Though you really need to watch the Christmas episode to know where they come from.

      That said, I thought the biggest problem with sprouts was a general tendency to brassica intolerance compounded by the infrequency: some people only eat them over Christmas. Don't know what they're missing!

      1. vir

        Raffinose. A trisaccharide produced by beans, broccoli, brussels sprouts, etc. Humans don't make the enzyme needed to digest it so it all goes through to your intestines where bacteria have a field day. Kind of like lactose intolerance but everyone has it. You can buy the enzyme supplement needed to digest it (Beano); it works pretty well.

        1. Inventor of the Marmite Laser Silver badge

          @vir

          In other words, humans were never intended to eat sprouts!

          1. MiguelC Silver badge

            Re: humans were never intended to eat sprouts!

            nor beans, but don't even try taking those away... I'm serious now!... back off!

      2. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Reply Icon

        Obligatory video from Bottom. Though you really need to watch the Christmas episode to know where they come from.

        That said, I thought the biggest problem with sprouts was a general tendency to brassica intolerance compounded by the infrequency: some people only eat them over Christmas. Don't know what they're missing!

        Don't have the sprouts!

        1. Toni the terrible
          Devil

          Sprouts Forever!

          I even eat canned sprouts, almost able to be called Mushy Sprouts. Love that sulphury flavor!

    3. Bluto Nash

      That was a finely turned phrase, there. Don't taint it.

      Regardless of the fact that Brussels Sprouts TASTE like one might imagine taint to taste like...

  2. BeerTokens

    festive fried food

    Our local chippy is doing deep fried pigs in blankets. Sourced from the local farm shop. Very nice indeed.

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: festive fried food

      One of my local chippies also does the pigs-in-blankets and deep fried mince pies, plus deep-fried Christmas cake and Walnut Whips.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: festive fried food

        Not exactly festive but, come the appropriate season (Easter, I do believe), a local chippy does deep-fried Cadbury's Creme Eggs. Never had the nerve to try one. Also heard of deep-fried Mars bars. Again, I find the idea of actually consuming one quite easy to resist. Call me unadventurous, possums, but I quite value my digestive system and I'd rather it stayed intact.

    2. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: festive fried food

      Exactly how long does it take to deep fry a 300lb hog wrapped in a duvet? Does anyone actually have a fryer that large?

      1. Danny 14 Silver badge

        Re: festive fried food

        scottish chippies with fry ANYTHING. Plus you pnly need to go a little over the borders and almost the same happens. A chippy in carlisle deep fry pies. ye gods.

    3. Bluto Nash

      Re: festive fried food

      I'll take a gross. Do they ship internationally?

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: festive fried food

        I'll take a gross. Do they ship internationally?

        Gross being the operative word. And no, they won't ship because international laws on shipping toxic substances prohibit.

    4. wyatt

      Re: festive fried food

      I may have to take some bacon down and see what they say!

    5. Pedigree-Pete
      Thumb Up

      Re: festive fried food

      @ BeerToken and Chris King. Pray tell, where?? I'm guessing Scotland. :) PP

  3. chivo243 Silver badge
    Happy

    battered?

    No thanks, I'll just have my Brussels sprouts boiled for 9 minutes, butter, S&P...

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: battered?

      steamed...

      and lots of them!

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: battered?

      Boiled for 9 minutes? You're not doing it right. My Nan used to put them on a low gas before she went to church on a Sunday morning, with the meat and tatties in the oven on a low-ish heat - so the family could come home to a dry piece of meat, soggy roast potatoes and weird green explodey things. When Nan served sprouts, you just touched them with your fork and they sort of slid/exploded apart into individual green slimey leafy things which used to float on top of the gravy.

      Ah nostalgia, boiled ham, boiled tatties, gravy so thick you could plaster a wall with it and self-destructing sprouts. Then to add to the horror, tea involved crab paste sandwiches. Well it was the 1970s... And then there were Mr Kipling French Fancies, Cherry Bakewells and Jaffa cakes to follow. Vitamins? Missing in action.

      Despite all that I actually now like a sprout or two. Steamed and not over-done. Even better with bacon and chestnuts.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: battered?

        Don't know where the nine minutes comes from. If you like 'em crunchy and actually tasting as they should, five or six of the beasts (depending on size) done in a microwave (covered, vented dish) in a tiny amount of water for around three to four minutes is OK by me and I'm now a convert. Quite like 'em now!

      2. Ozumo

        Re: battered?

        NINE MINUTES?

        My gran used to start boiling the Christmas sprouts when the clocks went back...

      3. Stevie Silver badge

        Re: battered?

        Well done IAS. Laughed so hard I started making Mutley noises and crying.

        On my morning train.

        Your work is done.

        1. Stevie Silver badge

          Re: battered?

          Just tried to read tha IAS comment to my wife. Couldn't make it past the third sentence and pulled a muscle in my chest I was laughing so hard.

    3. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Re: battered?

      9 minutes? I find that a bit on the short side? Are you using fresh or frozen – nothing wrong with frozen veg, but cooking times need adjusting.

    4. Thoguht Silver badge

      Re: battered?

      Boil for 9 minutes? No, no and no.

      First take some bacon lardons and cook them over a moderate heat in a sauté pan until you have rendered most of the fat off them. Put the lardons to one side and stir-fry the sprouts in the bacon fat for 5 minutes or so. Then add a splash of water, cover the pan and let the sprouts steam gently for a few minutes. Finally, turn the heat back up, return the lardons to the pan and stir gently a few times, making sure any remaining water has evaporated. For a really festive touch, mix in a few sliced marrons glacés before serving.

      1. Daedalus Silver badge

        Re: battered?

        When I were a lad I ate 'em fresh off t'stalk.

        1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

          Re: battered?

          Our village shop is selling complete stalks of them. I believe they keep for ages if you leave them in a cool place on the stalk.

        2. Toni the terrible
          Joke

          Re: battered?

          Fresh off a stalk?, you were in the lap of luxury.... etc etc

      2. Teiwaz Silver badge

        Re: battered?

        First take some bacon lardons and cook them over a moderate heat in a sauté pan until you have rendered most of the fat off them. Put the lardons to one side and stir-fry the sprouts in the bacon fat for 5 minutes or so.

        My advice is much that, except with less detail and timings,

        parboil the sprouts then halve and fry with chopped bacon and chopped onion and mushroom, bit od a stir fry style side dish. Also works with cabbage.

      3. DJSpuddyLizard

        Re: battered?

        Finally, turn the heat back up, return the lardons to the pan and stir gently a few times, making sure any remaining water has evaporated. For a really festive touch, mix in a few sliced marrons glacés before serving.

        You missed the step where you remove the sprouts before serving.

    5. Trash

      Re: battered?

      Sounds nice, except the S&P part: I prefer nutmeg instead...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: battered?

        My sprouts go in a 1 litre microwaveable container with a loose lid. Layer of sprouts topped off with broccoli florets. Microwave 800w full power for 3 minutes - shake halfway through to avoid hotspot burns. No added water - they steam in their own juices.

        Drain liquid away before serving. Serves one - as my food regime has lots of vegetables/salad but only a small amount of potato.

        1. Danny 14 Silver badge

          Re: battered?

          my mum cooks everything in a pressure cooker. the sprouts are in for about 30 mins with carrots and potatoes. I have no idea what holds them together, probably just polar bonds in the water.

        2. wyatt

          Re: battered?

          You're doing it all wrong, the lid should be as tight as you can get it.. keeps the moisture in..

    6. Robert Helpmann?? Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: battered?

      Directions for Brussels Sprouts en Absence

      Clean, trim and slice thin.

      Batter and deep fry until golden brown color is achieved.

      Place on paper plate to drain.

      Move to serving tray and squirt decorative patterns on sprouts with Sriracha sauce.

      Place on dinner plate and allow to rest for a few minutes.

      Move back to paper plate for eventual forced consumption by neighbor's cat that keeps going in your flower bed.

      Eat dinner plate, thinking how much worse it almost was.

      I didn't enjoy Brussels sprouts until I left home and realize that my mother's idea of how any vegetable should be cooked involved boiling it well past its demise. Finding alternatives was quite nice.

    7. The_H

      Re: battered?

      Never steamed.

      Halve your sprouts, put in an oiled baking dish little-bald-headed-man side up. Sprinkle pancetta over, drizzle with pure maple syrup, a bit of balsamic vinegar and olive oil, and bake gently until caramelized.

      Absolutely awesome, and I've won over a lot of sprout haters (including my *very* fussy daughters) with these.

      Merry, Jolly etc.

    8. Pedigree-Pete
      Facepalm

      Re: battered?

      @ Chivo243, ALWAYS ADD BACON..even Sprouts are palatable if you add BACON. :)PP

  4. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    Xmas dinner?

    That's not xmas dinner! Where's the cranberry sauce, stuffing, bread sauce, bacon, prunes and roasties? I suppose chips can replace the roasties, but they're not the same. I suggest a proper, complete traditional full christmas dinner, with everything, wrapped into a filo pastry parcel, and then battered and fried.

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: Xmas dinner?

      Cranberry sauce is shit.

      Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome.

      1. Symon Silver badge
        Paris Hilton

        Re: Xmas dinner?

        "Cranberry sauce is shit."

        It won't even fix your cystitis.

        https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/cystitis-uti-relief-cranberry-juice-treatment-does-it-work-no-its-a-myth-says-research-a7384346.html

        1. Nicholas Nada
          Thumb Up

          Re: Xmas dinner?

          "...cranberry-juice-treatment-does-it-work-no-its-a-myth..."

          I love a URL with so much info that I don't need to read the article.

      2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

        Re: Xmas dinner?

        Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome.

        You mean clove-flavoured cement? You're on your own with that stuff. Good gravy, good strong mustard and hot horseradish are all the condiments you ever need.

        1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

          Re: Xmas dinner?

          @Charlie Clark

          Good gravy, good strong mustard and hot horseradish are all the condiments you ever need.

          Possibly true if all you ever eat is roast beef. But with poultry? Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

          But of course, a mild horseradish for dipping chips a la Belge...

          1. Charlie Clark Silver badge

            Re: Xmas dinner?

            Possibly true if all you ever eat is roast beef. But with poultry? Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

            The rule is: if you can have cabbage with it, you can have mustard with it (the same family after all), but you don't have to. Just make sure it's the good stuff: purveyors of any of the "mild" stuff should join the marketing department of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation when the revolution comes!

          2. Teiwaz Silver badge

            Re: Xmas dinner?

            Gravy yes, but not horseradish.

            As longs as it's not that convenience 'beef' based bisto.....yeurgghhh! it's like coffee and marmite on your spuds.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Insist on "Baby Spit"(TM) Bread Sauce

        "Bread sauce, on the other hand, is awesome."

        Bread sauce is what you'd get if you gave an infant some bread and milk that it chewed on for a while then spat out once it realised you'd added the horrible taste of cloves to it.

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