back to article How an augmented reality tourist guide tried to break my balls

Tech-enhanced tourism can be tough on your testicles. An hour ago I was striding along hallowed corridors once paced by 14th century popes. Now I am hobbling across the halls like a medieval court chimpanzee. And it's all because a tourist guide decided to get a little too interactive with my nuts. More on that later. This …

Coat

Sounds like your holiday was just a complete balls up.

I'll get my coat, it's the one with the thick Kevlar patches in the front at crotch level.

21
0
Silver badge

but decided not to raise the topic of his bollocks with staff in a foreign language.

Wise.

Very Wise.

Excusez moi monsieur, mais mes couilles ont été endommagées par votre tablette AR.

Quelle domage!

28
0
Silver badge

quelle horreur....

13
0

Grammar n*** incoming

q̶u̶e̶l̶l̶e̶ ̶d̶o̶m̶m̶a̶g̶e̶

quel dommage

Yet another rule regarding gender in French...

10
0

Happy Friday yay!!!!

It's always refreshing to read about your antics à la pisse Alistair. Sorry to hear about your fruits secs escapade. Maybe you should just have held it in your hand. The gadget I mean. No, no, the electronic device....

Ms Dabbs seems a very patient lady. Regards!!

34
0
Silver badge

Oh Dabbsy...your column (oo-err missus!) is the highlight of my Friday but this one was beyond excellent and had me in tears - both in the empathetic way that all of us blokes share upon seeing or hearing about fellow man taking a whack the sack, but also with laughter.

32
0
Pint

Couldn't agree more. Your best since the legendary rant about self-service supermarket checkouts.

Have a beer!

7
0
Bronze badge

Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

Definitely recognising the train bits.

As a solution to the wrecking-ball tablet, bit late for Dabbsy but maybe useful for other readers, try shortening the lanyard by tying a knot in it...

19
0
Silver badge

Re: Knot

I recommend anyone who has to wear a lanyard familiarise themselves with the "alpine butterfly" a nice easy knot for putting a loop in a cord without needing access to the ends. (Use at your own risk in cables!)

19
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: the "alpine butterfly" a nice ...

I was a little disappointed that when I googled this, it only came up with a variety of knot descriptions, and not a selection of weird NSFW exotica.

But at least I'm not fired! :-)

18
0
Trollface

"Definitely recognising the train bits."

I'd be worried if you were recognising Dabbsy's bits.

7
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: Knot

Or simply adjust it with the little sliding adjuster you can clearly see in the picture of Dabsy wearing the lanyard. The reason why he chose not to adjust it rather than let it wobble against his gonads is best left to someone else's imagination. I wonder if that was why Mrs D looked and snorted at him. Perhaps it was a knowing snort.

16
0
Silver badge

Re: Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

And here's me, thinking that the easy answer is to put head and one arm through the lanyard and let it hang at the side and just swing it up in front of me if I want it. I guess I just don't have a properly techie mindset.

14
0
Silver badge

Re: Ahhhh ... flashbacks to a holiday in France,

Me too. Dealing with SNCF/TER ‘apps’ = ‘give up. Go to automatic ticket machine. Select English option. Get tickets. Forget to validate tickets. Listen to lecture from supercilious conductor explaining how stupid English must remember to validate their tickets’

The joy of Les Vacances.

9
0
Anonymous Coward

Re: Knot

Or simply adjust it with the little sliding adjuster you can clearly see in the picture of Dabsy wearing the lanyard.

Maybe that was actually experience. The sliding adjuster is the one thing that will fail when you least expect it, thus adding a dose of gravity to the tablet while it speeds once again towards your crotch. Been there, but thankfully not with my cojones at risk.

In my experience, weight simply does not mix well with simple lanyards. Anything more than a badge needs a better strap.

Or a downwards trajectory that doesn't cross anything sensitive or vital :)

3
0

Re: Knot

I grappled with that fucking thing until my fingernails tore off. It wouldn’t budge.

16
0

Re: Knot

"I grappled with that fucking thing until my fingernails tore off. It wouldn’t budge."

As an avid reader I "should" believe you there, but it does remind me suspiciously of this incident with your phone you wrote about on 26February 2016

"My trouser pocket is the scene of an on-going Western gunfight between the smooth rose-gold and prickly rose-pink: that town isn’t big enough for the both of them"

Mrs D snorting is well aware of your previous form! ;-)

5
0

Re: Knot

I think Mrs D may have tried to alert him to the the 'adjuster' but he said 'stop fiddling' so left him to it, and secretly laughed at his pain...

2
0

Re: Knot

Beat me to it. Although I use a simple slip-knot myself.

1
0

Re: Knot

Tie a knot in it ?

1
0
Silver badge

For some odd reason...

My screen reader read "Tech-enhanced tourism" but I thought I heard "Tech-enhanced Turetts"(sp?) & laughed my ass off. The article only got better from there. Bravo! =-D

12
0
Silver badge

For Mme Dabbs

Some balls are held for charity

And some for fancy dress

But when they're held for pleasure

They're the balls that I like best

My balls are always bouncing

To the left and to the right

It's my belief that my big balls

Should be held every night

35
0

Re: For Mme Dabbs

I would add:

Do your balls hang low?

Can you swing them to and fro?

Can you tie them in a knot?

Can you tie them in a bow?

........

As you were.

11
0
LDS
Silver badge

You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

... these devices are designed by millenmials for millennials who can't recognize reality unless they look at it through an app. And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games.

13
6
Silver badge
Facepalm

Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

Spinal Tap - 18" Stonehenge

7
0
LDS
Silver badge
Coat

Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

Thank you for the reference, so not only us used to the metric system make such kind of mistake...

4
0
Silver badge
Coat

Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

I'm going to take issue with this, good sir - these are designed by middle aged managers who want to appeal to millennials. Any millennial worth their salt would take one look at this and recognise it for the pointless gimmick that it is.

Then the millennial would get their phone out and look at everything through the camera app.

24
0
LDS
Silver badge

...and look at everything through the camera app.

You mean while taking selfies of them, right? With the back towards any interesting thing?

12
0
Silver badge

Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

"And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games."

And there's at least three snowflake millennials reading here too LOL

5
1
Childcatcher

Re: You're too old, Mr. Dabbs...

And of course all of them are 7" tall like their avatar in games.

Seven inches tall? Or are they referring to the one-eyed monster?

2
0
Silver badge

There's nothing quite like an enlarged photo of your nads to add authenticity to the article. Of course, quite what other tourists thought whilst Mrs D was taking a photo of you in that state is another story...

12
0
Silver badge

Who'd invest in such crap?

I found myself asking that question when I went to view Stephenson's Rocket at the Almost-imperceptible Exhibition of the North. Clearly concerned that visitors might not be sufficiently impressed by the skeletal remains of a piece of engineering history, long since cannibalised for its reusable parts, organisers had provided a "Virtual Reality Experience" that promised the opportunity to:

Travel back to 1829 via virtual reality to experience the sight and sound of the early steam age as Stephenson’s Rocket is digitally brought back to life.

What is actually consisted of was a first-person view of a simulated trip down a seemingly American railroad line, while a modern city sprang up on each side of the track. With a silhouette of the Rocket pasted across the front as if it were being observed by a disembodied head welded to the top of the boiler.

When I pointed that out to the attendants, their response was that, although they'd watched it on several occasions, they'd never noticed the complete absence of the 19th Century or the UK and its tradition of trains travelling on the left, like the cars.

Conclusion: people expect crap, so just give it to them. Fortunately, it doesn't seem to be the policy of the Discovery Museum to thwack 'em in the balls if they complain, though I would be unsurprised if the hardware has the capability: I'm sure more clients will be demanding it.

25
0
Silver badge

Re: Who'd invest in such crap?

"I found myself asking that question when I went to view Stephenson's Rocket at the Almost-imperceptible Exhibition of the North."

Not quite the Rocket but for a real reality trip behind an early engine try Beamish.

1
0
Coat

Re: Who'd invest in such crap?

Makes one weep . There is a perfectly good replica they could have filmed in its 'home' setting;

Yes it is an anorak :-)

1
0
Anonymous Coward

Oh Look

A muggers magnet.

Seriously, just asking to be "forcibly seperated" from your valubles*.

*not your knackers.

7
0

Customer Feedback

I hope you fully appreciate that all images from the tablets are uploaded in real time to the papal cloud server, so that the powers that be can use the latest adaptive AI to carefully analyse exactly what the tourists are looking at in close detail in order to enhance the customer expereince....

12
0

Re: Customer Feedback

"carefully analyse exactly what the tourists are looking at in close detail in order to enhance the customer expereince...."

So Dabsy's testicles are about to have an enhanced customer experience? Does his wife know? Will El Reg cover it as business expenses?

12
0
Silver badge

"Normally, Mme Le Dabbs and I turn down the offer of audio guides at tourist sites because they always go wonky on us – crackle, cut out, play the wrong track, lose battery power, expire completely and so on."

Always, always, always. If there is any tech worse than IoT crap it is this. Ah, well.

My regards to Mme Le D, and have a nice weekend, everybody!

7
0
Silver badge

"SNCF's ticket sales team is not on speaking terms with its ticket issuing team. "

They have no monopoly on that.

I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to). I booked tickets with whatever entity was then running the East Coast line. On the appropriate morning I rolled into the sophisticated of Wakefield Westgate (the point of comparison is Wakefield Kirkgate) to ask for the tickets I'd booked. The train was rolling into the station while the clerk was still hunting for them - and I still had to buy a ticket for the car park, go out and fix it on the car, go back in and get on the train. It wasn't going to happen. I left him, got in the car and drove to Norwich.

As anyone travelling there from the North knows that drive, especially the A17, isn't much removed from interplanetary travel in terms of arduousness yet I still got there only about a quarter of an hour later than the train was scheduled to do.

It took a while to disabuse the company that they weren't entitled to withhold part of the refund of the tickets they hadn't provided.

23
0
Silver badge
Devil

"I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

I once had a meeting in Norwich with some staff from an insurance company which shall be nameless.

Frankly it would have been more interesting and less painful to have spent the time smacking my balls with a tablet, had they been around in the early 2000s.

6
0
Silver badge

Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

"Frankly it would have been more interesting and less painful to have spent the time smacking my balls with a tablet, had they been around in the early 2000s."

Bloody kids today, eh? Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!

11
0
Bronze badge

It seems there are some advantages in living in this lower left corner of Europe. I booked a ticket Faro-Lisbon, paid with my card over PayPal and printed the ticket. Of course my son then told me I should just have emailed the PDF.

I do like pieces of paper when I travel, as I am not dependant on the tantrums and batteries of electronics. Colour me fuddy-duddy.

At least I think I got the right price.

3
0
Silver badge

Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

"Bloody kids today, eh? Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!"

You must be the one who makes sure Google Translate isn't context-sensitive.

2
0
Silver badge

It was good to read of the SNCF experience, if only as an antidote to all those who seem to be hankering for a return to the good old days of British Rail.

Note to millenials: there is no reason, either theoretical or historical, to imagine that a nationalised rail service would be any better.

1
0
Silver badge

Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

Tablets have been around at least since Moses!!!

Perhaps he meant that his balls were of recent descent?

1
0

Re: "I had a meeting in Norwich (someone has to)."

"Perhaps he meant that his balls were of recent descent?"

I suspect Dabbsy's balls dropped some time ago.

0
0
Silver badge

Having traveled by train in UK, I could add:

Note to millenials: there is no reason, either theoretical or historical, to imagine that a privatized rail service would be any better.

2
0

This post has been deleted by its author

Silver badge

SNCF is the reason why I bought my first car while being a student, not to have to depend weekly on these ugly bastards anymore. Any time I have by force to deal with them they find a way to make the experience unpleasant.

Regarding your tablet, Mr Dabbs made a slight mistake: he had to enroll the lanyard three or four times around the neck: It's part of the "Inquisition AR" app. Because nobody expects the Inquisition.

13
0
Silver badge

Last year I wanted to take my motorbike to Italy, rather than drive through France I thought 'let's take the autotrain, it's French, it's sophisticated, it's overnight so it'll save on a hotel room'.

So it turns out contrary to what some in this country may claim, state run railways are as s*** as privately run ones. A few days before departure I got a phone call saying due to industrial action my train was cancelled. After some prompting I was given some options, i.e. take a train a few days later, or yes, I could get a refund, if I went into an SNCF station, probably the one in Paris. Of course Paris was massively out of my way if I wasn't catching a train there, but I risked going into the station in Calais on the grounds the worst they could say is no. Actually the worst they could say is, we can refund you this bit of the passenger ticket but you'll have to go via a website that doesn't actually exist to get a refund on the bike part. I paid for the tickets by card over the phone, how f*****g hard is it to refund that? People on ebay selling counterfeit software will give you a credit card refund FFS.

Long story short, if you think things in this country are bad, and I've just used a strike riddled SW trains to go to London, go to France things will be worse and they won't even pretend to give a shit.

3
0

Page:

POST COMMENT House rules

Not a member of The Register? Create a new account here.

  • Enter your comment

  • Add an icon

Anonymous cowards cannot choose their icon

Forums

Biting the hand that feeds IT © 1998–2018