back to article BOFH: Guys? Guys? We need blockchain... can you install blockchain?

BOFH logo telephone with devil's horns "I've got two words for you," the Boss says excitedly. "Block Chain!" "That's one word," the PFY shoots back. "Unless you're talking about old fashioned lifting apparatus," I say. "And it's usually said as 'Chain block'. Was that what you were talking about?" "No, I mean the new …

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  1. amlendu kumar

    Weight lifting

    What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: Weight lifting

      All of it.

    2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: Weight lifting

      What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain

      African or European?

      1. asphytxtc
        Joke

        Re: Weight lifting

        >> What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain

        > African or European?

        And would that be in Jub's, KiloJub's or Adult Badgers?

        1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

          Re: Adult Badgers?

          Today I'm more interested in Bionic Beavers.

          If only I had 6 million dollars...

    3. Mycho Silver badge

      Re: Weight lifting

      Does it even lift?

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        Re: Does it even lift?

        Bro

        1. Fungus Bob Silver badge

          Re: Does it even lift?

          It lifts *and* separates!

      2. Alistair Silver badge
        Windows

        Re: Weight lifting

        @mycho:

        in context, dude, that would be "Does it even Lyft?"

    4. Tom 7 Silver badge

      Re: Weight lifting

      According to REM, who invented block chain - toothpicks,

    5. Blofeld's Cat

      Re: Weight lifting

      "What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain"

      One, unexpectedly heavy, roll of old carpet?

    6. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: Weight lifting

      What is the weight lifting capacity of blockchain

      Obviously... 42

  2. Dave K Silver badge
    Pint

    Familiar...

    "So we're going to fire up blockchain to roll out a non-existent problem in a non-existent project for some untenable result."

    I think that sums up a lot of Blockchain projects with remarkable accuracy!

    1. John Riddoch

      Re: Familiar...

      Surely all this needed was some fake status reports on request when the boss wanted updates? By the time he's wondering why nothing has actually been delivered, the next shiny will have appeared on the horizon to take his attention and you can "shut down" the Blockchain project....

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

      Re: Familiar...

      I was expecting the BOfH to simply set every server in the datacentre to Bitcoin mining, perhaps after judiciously adding £10,000 of graphics cards to the budget, and then wait until people noticed and complained. Then of course blame the boss's blockchain project.

      1. steelpillow Silver badge

        Re: Familiar...

        "I was expecting the BOfH to simply set every server in the datacentre to Bitcoin mining, perhaps after judiciously adding £10,000 of graphics cards to the budget, and then wait until people noticed and complained. Then of course blame the boss's blockchain project."

        Oh, I think he did that a long time ago. Only he didn't blame the project, he blamed the boss in person. Meet the new boss.

  3. wallyhall

    Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

    I've not worked for many employers, so I'm sure others will have vastly more saddening stories of a similar ilk.

    I'll never forget one particular CIO (because we loved TLAs at that company) who upon joining had to "make his mark". Amongst various bad ideas, I'll never forget as the "most senior IT person" being pulled into a conference call he was on with a large vendor of fantastic hosting support (*ahem*) who's architect was saying words like "multi-master-replication" and "nfs-clustering" etc.

    The CIO, nodding excitedly, kept saying "Yes! It sounds like we need some of that multi-master-replication with nfs-clustering!"

    I'd feel unnecessarily unfair in continuing the story beyond that, except to say it all fairly rapidly disappeared after he left. A small website with perhaps 4-5 concurrent users at peak. Definitely a case of buzzword bingo over technical understanding.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

      one particular CIO (because we loved TLAs at that company)

      Some of those people are more deserving of a four-letter-abbreviation - like Supreme Head of Information Technology.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Devil

        Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

        Chief of Un-implementable New Technology...

      2. VanguardG

        Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

        I once tried to get a co-worker's job title changed to Application Support Specialist. I might have snuck it past the boss, who was actually a very good boss, but I got greedy and tried to add "Head of Licensing Enforcement". That made the acronym a little too easy to spot, apparently.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

      A CIO at a past company was good at the talk, not the walk. And as the technical and HR issues mounted up, this became increasingly clear to higher management, causing said CIO to come up with increasingly deranged ideas to show that he was on top of things.

      Lots of people leaving due to low morale after too many months of too much crunch? Let's introduce a minimum three-month notice period "to make people feel safer". It's just a coincidence that this makes it harder to find a new job, right?

      Evidence of existing/legacy platforms that need uplifting/replacing? Ignore them in favour of the latest new-shiny.

      Later, when confronted with performance issues as a result of this policy, he insisted that the DBAs go through the database and delete records that are more than X months old. Utterly ineffective as a performance tweak thanks to the fact that the DBAs were generally on top of tuning queries and indexing tables, but it did give him some nice big numbers he could show to higher management...

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

        "Let's introduce a minimum three-month notice period "to make people feel safer". It's just a coincidence that this makes it harder to find a new job, right?"

        So true. At one company I worked for the top management were about to bring this in. There was general dissatisfaction about the company at local management level, and when tipped off by HR four of us handed in our notice in one week to ensure we didn't get trapped. Including HR, so no heads rolled.

        I did wonder afterwards how the local general manager explained it. "To lose one senior manager is unfortunate...to lose 4 in one week looks like carelessness." But they kept him on. I guess, like Theresa May and Rudd, they really at that point had no alternative.

        1. Allan George Dyer Silver badge

          Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

          @AC - "But they kept him on. I guess, like Theresa May and Rudd, they really at that point had no alternative."

          It is surprising how quickly a comment can look dated. At least it is still half right (tempting fate...)

    3. FeRDNYC

      Re: Unfortunately he hits the nail on the head again.

      I'll never forget one particular CIO (because we loved TLAs at that company)

      DYM,

      "TFW one particular CIO (because TLAs were AOK at that LLC)..."

      FTFY. ...Shit!

  4. ukgnome Silver badge

    Published at 08:36

    It's far too early for such shenanigans - I've had to go on a break until pub o'clock.

    1. FeRDNYC

      Re: Published at 08:36

      Pity us poor Americans — it's only 8:45am now on the east coast, and the other side of the country is still fast asleep.

      1. Nick Kew Silver badge

        Re: Published at 08:36

        Who cares when it's published? I'm reading it at my own choice of time. With a glass of something, and looking forward to a plate of something to accompany it very shortly.

        Are you obsessed with instant gratification the moment an article is published? Bah, humbug.

        1. gotes

          Re: Published at 08:36

          The early bird posts the first comment.

          1. JulieM Silver badge

            Re: Published at 08:36

            Yes, but the second mouse gets the cheese .....

            1. HelpfulJohn

              Re: Published at 08:36

              "I'm still trying to work out what happened to the first mouse ..."

              1. Nick Kew Silver badge

                Re: Published at 08:36

                "I'm still trying to work out what happened to the first mouse ..."

                The early bird was a seagull in search of breakfast?

              2. John G Imrie Silver badge

                Re: Published at 08:36

                The first mouse gets the tra ... OWWWW!!!

  5. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    New magic beans?

    You had to work on WAP-phones didn't you?

  6. steve-b

    I'm surprised it didn't end with the BOfH saying he has been running a bitcoin mine in the data centre for years so they actually have blockchain at the moment...

    1. DrStrangeLug

      What do you think all those expensive GPU's in executive laptops do while the executives are playing minesweep or solitaire ?

    2. Charlie Clark Silver badge

      Not sure if they'd still be mining to be honest, ICOs promise much higher returns (for the offerers) for lower investment.

    3. Ken 16 Silver badge

      Cost benefit analysis needed

      Would using the headroom on virtualisation hosts to mine cryptocurrency pay for the increased power usage?

      1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: Cost benefit analysis needed

        "Would using the headroom on virtualisation hosts to mine cryptocurrency pay for the increased power usage?"

        For the BOFH, not for the company.

  7. Simon Ward

    This:

    "Not really - though if you could IoT pet rock I think you'd be getting somewhere. It's the perfect match of useless information about a useless object."

    The best description of the current tech shitegeist that I've read in a long time.

    1. WonkoTheSane
      Pint

      I think "shitegeist" just became my word of the week! Have a --->

  8. Alistair Dabbs

    Blockchain is the new XML

    Bosses at the end of the 1990s would announce that we would be doing everything in future "with XML" and hire a twat on £1200 per day to ponce about analysing the business. Two months later, they would vanish leaving behind a half-written DTD and an irrelevant project statement. The boss would then tell you to finish it off without training or assistance, the budget having been used up.

    1. Laura Kerr

      Re: Blockchain is the new XML

      "hire a twat on £1200 per day"

      Two months = eight weeks = 40 working days.

      40 * 1200 = £48,000.

      Good gig, that. They might have been twats, but they were smart twats.

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        Re: Blockchain is the new XML

        And since it was in the '90s, roughly double that figure to account for inflation.

      2. Chris G Silver badge

        Re: Blockchain is the new XML

        A good friend of mine was that twat, in five years he bought a nice house, car and a couple of bikes to play on, still has cash in the bank and now sits back as a permy in a nice lower stress job.

    2. Rich 11 Silver badge

      Re: Blockchain is the new XML

      The boss would then tell you to finish it off without training or assistance

      But if harassed sufficiently, he would eventually agree to shell out £40 for a couple of textbooks (while muttering 'I don't know why someone like you can't find all you need to know on the Internet' under his breath).

      I know this, because I came across those books when I moved office earlier this year. Left the fuckers in the recycling waste.

    3. Nick Kew Silver badge

      Re: Blockchain is the new XML

      Pfft. We've been through a few iterations since XML. Virtualisation and the Cloud, for instance.

      Besides, isn't JSON the new XML? A data format for everything!

      1. Tomato42 Silver badge

        Re: Blockchain is the new XML

        @Nick: At least JSON isn't Turing-complete and you can actually find full-featured parsers of it, unlike the XML where decent parsers can be counted on one hand... after 20 years of existence of the standard.

        1. JulieM Silver badge

          Re: Blockchain is the new XML

          That's because almost everyone just uses a regular expression match to spot the bits they're interested in. Why walk all the way to the tool shed in the rain to fetch a chisel, when there's a perfectly good screwdriver to hand?

      2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        Re: Blockchain is the new XML

        "Besides, isn't JSON the new XML? A data format for everything!"

        And, no doubt, for some consultants it's the Golden Fleece (in both senses of the word).

      3. Anonymous Coward Silver badge
        Devil

        Re: Blockchain is the new XML

        I like to embed my JSON in an XML file.

        Just for giggles, I also embed XML in a JSON object to then embed in an XML file, which I then transfer as a torrent.

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