back to article Suspected drug dealer who refused to poo for 46 DAYS released... on bail

A suspected drug dealer's bowels have won out over Essex cops after he was released from custody by resisting the urge to poo for 46 days. Lamarr Chambers, 24, was arrested in the UK town of Harlow, in Essex, on 17 January for failing to stop his car and on suspicion of intent to supply Class A drugs, which cops believed he …

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  1. TRT Silver badge

    Ah well...

    It saves on the paperwork, I suppose.

    1. wolfetone Silver badge

      Re: Ah well...

      Or it's a good use for the paperwork at least

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Ah well...

        "Or it's a good use for the paperwork at least"

        Otherwise known as "bumf" - IIRC short for "bum fodder"

    2. Adam 52 Silver badge

      Re: Ah well...

      Have you any idea the amount of paperwork involved in keeping someone in custody for 46 days?

      1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

        Re: Ah well...

        Have you any idea the amount of paperwork involved in keeping someone in custody for 46 days?

        There is a point when Indian police approach of force-feeding bananas under similar circumstances starts to seem more humane.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Re: ... Indian police approach of force-feeding bananas ...

          They don't call them Peelers for nothing, you know.

        2. Stoneshop Silver badge
          Flame

          Re: Ah well...

          There is a point when Indian police approach of force-feeding bananas under similar circumstances starts to seem more humane.

          I have it on good authority that a solid mug or two of Pu-Ehr tea will have the same effect.

          1. Charles 9 Silver badge

            Re: Ah well...

            That's some pretty expensive stuff, though, IIRC. I would think lactulose or milk of magnesia would be more practical.

            1. Stoneshop Silver badge

              Re: Ah well...

              Pu-Ehr tea? About maybe twice the price of a midrange common Assam. You're probably thinking of the several years old variety which can indeed be rather pricey, but you don't need that. And checking around, even the 15 year old stuff is way under a tenner for 100g.

              So even that is definitely cheaper than keeping the guy in custody for nearly seven weeks, even if you have to treat him with a gallon of the stuff before his sphincter surrenders.

              1. The Oncoming Scorn
                Coat

                Re: Ah well...

                For some strange reason "sphincter surrenders" is resonating in my skull to the tune of Beat Surrender by The Jam.

        3. Alan Brown Silver badge

          Re: Ah well...

          "force-feeding bananas "

          A tiny amount of phenolphthalein on the water would have a more decisive effect.

          Just don't overdo it. My chemistry teacher at high school claimed that when _he_ was a lad someone doctored the teachers staffroom coffee urn one lunchtime, resulting in virtually the entire staff spending all afternoon in the karzis and some needing several days off.

          (This was the same chemistry teacher who blew a hole in the bottom of the school swimming pool whilst demonstrating the explosive properties of "around a pound" of sodium wrapped in newspaper....)

          1. Black Betty

            Re: phenolphthalein

            Diplomacy convention. Hard to diplome through a cubicle door. Or easy for the guilty parties when on the inside. Earned the club a lifetime ban, but we took the trophy.

            1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
              Joke

              Assange

              Did someone mention Diplomacy? This may be one way for Assange to visit hospital - only it looks like he'll have to hold it in for at least 46 days before the boys in blue will let go.

          2. hoola

            Re: Ah well...

            Those were the days before the Health and Safety brigade stopped any decent science (chemistry in particular) in school.

            What they appear to have now is so watered down it is next to useless. In the late 70's we had two chemistry teachers who practiced what they termed "Bucket Chemistry" that kept our attention. They also made holes in the sports field (although the moles made it more difficult to detect), filled labs with smoke and other exciting things.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: Ah well...

              Were all chemistry teachers mad?

            2. Chris Leeson

              Re: Ah well...

              Surely in chemistry, the more moles there are, the easier it is to detect things?

              1. rjstua

                Re: Ah well...

                Bravo!

              2. Anonymous Coward
                Anonymous Coward

                Re: Ah well...

                Is it an African or European Mole?

          3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

            Re: Ah well...

            A tiny amount of phenolphthalein on the water would have a more decisive effect.

            Aye. As (allegedly) our (deeply unpopular) chemisty teacher found out. He drank his coffee black and always came to a lesson with a full mug..

            But we didn't contaminate the urn for the whole of the staff room - we liked some of the teachers..

            It was our lab-tech that was the mad one - we nicknamed him "put a bit more in" after we, with his assistance, melted the ceiling tiles by somewhat supersizing the thermite experiment.

            School chemistry labs do seem to attract the odd sorts.

            1. StargateSg7 Bronze badge

              Re: Ah well...

              "....A tiny amount of phenolphthalein on the water would have a more decisive effect....."

              Technically, that phenol turns your urine BLOOD RED but if it scares you into going to the bathroom then have it and add it to the morning coffee! For me, a Starbucks Grande Mocha OR a Tim Hortons Large French Vanilla have NEVER FAILED in making me go....they clean out the old cavities like nothing else!

              After 46 days though, I bet there will be MORE than a few medical problems that will arise such as adhesion of fecal matter to the sidewalls (i.e. fecal impacting) which MIGHT eventually cause sepsis

              if bacteria passes though micro-tears into blood vessels.

              OH WELL! A rather interesting story anyways!

              P.S. I AM NOT BOMBASTIC BOB !!! Wrong Guy! --- I AM CANADIAN !!!!!!!! He's Not !

        4. Joe User

          Re: Ah well...

          There is a point when Indian police approach of force-feeding bananas under similar circumstances starts to seem more humane.

          Just provide him with a bowl of sugar-free Gummi Bears (and be prepared to hose-out his cell...).

          1. fobobob

            Re: Ah well...

            Yum! Haribo Sugar Free, with lycasin. Yum!

    3. Alan J. Wylie Silver badge

      Re: Ah well...

      Essex police statement

      He was subsequently rearrested on suspicion of being concerned in the supply of a Class A drug and taken to hospital

      1. collinsl

        Re: Ah well...

        The sentencing guidelines for the offence he's been rearrested for are exactly the same as the possession with intent to supply but are slightly harder to prove without the evidence.

        Of course, the jury (if he's ever brought to trial) could infer from his refusal to defecate that he was concealing drugs and thus prove that he was concerned in the supply, but that is a decision for them to make.

    4. Korev Silver badge
      Joke

      Re: Ah well...

      It saves on the paperwork, I suppose.

      Of the Andrex variety?

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: Ah well...

        Of the Andrex variety?

        Soft, Strong and Very Very Long Arm of the Law

    5. bombastic bob Silver badge
      FAIL

      Ah, CRAP!

      The jailers should've let him explode. Instead, he gets to (allegedly) BURDEN SOCIETY for the rest of his [much longer] life.

      I have no compassion for criminals, as THEY have NO COMPASSION for ME (or anyone but themselves). Innocent until proven guilty, and you get your day in court and your standard "rights". Beyond that, too bad.

      And the jailers aren't responsible for self-inflicted punishments. If the ACCUSED wants to inflict punishment upon himself, such that he can't be forced into compliance, that's not the jailers' fault. They've "washed their hands" of it.

      at least when you let a toddler hold his breath until you buy him "that toy", the toddler knows to give up after a couple of minutes. THAT guy ought to have received a DARWIN AWARD for his BLATANT STUPIDITY.

      1. Adam 1 Silver badge

        Re: Ah, CRAP!

        How's that presumption of innocence thing going there Bob?

      2. StargateSg7 Bronze badge

        Re: Ah, CRAP!

        Nope! I'm NOT Bombastic Bob...he WRITES LIKE ME!!! BUT....I'm NOT HIM!

        P.S. I'm Canadian....

        Anyways, ya gotta admire a guy who can keep it in his pants for 46 days!!!

        Although on a medical basis it's a bit of an issue which will need some intervention.

  2. }{amis}{ Silver badge
    Joke

    LOL

    Its a @~%$ job bot someone has got to do it.....

  3. msknight Silver badge

    So...

    ...released from prison but taken straight to hospital. They'll get their ... er... I'm not quite sure what they'll get, actually. I hope the medical team have masks that are little more protective than the thin white variety. Sounds like they're going to need them.

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: So...

      Nah, after that long it's probably turned into coprolite.

      1. Richard 81

        Re: So...

        Coprolite? I'm betting diamonds!

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: So...

        "after that long it's probably turned into coprolite"

        oh, so you're suggesting that maybe he held it for SO long that now it's IMPOSSIBLE for him to crap it out?

        Well, then, that's a *bit* different! [in saving his life, they'll collect the evidence - w00t!]

        He _still_ deserves a Darwin award, in my bombastic opinion.

    2. Black Betty

      Did you see the monkey trying to put the cork back in?

      <no body>

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: So...

      Methinks "fecal impaction" is the relevant term here.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: So...

        Methinks insufficient an adjective to describe the concrete he will have in his lower bowel.

  4. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

    London gang nominal?

    WTF is a 'London gang nominal'? Obviously some sort of plod-slang. Based on past form I'd guess it's P.C. P.C.-speak for 'young black man in hoodie'? I may be wrong...

    1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

      Re: London gang nominal?

      I'm guessing it's somebody they know is in a criminal gang but are not able to prove it in a court of law.

    2. Adam 52 Silver badge

      Re: London gang nominal?

      Nominals are the named individuals who keep cropping up over and over again. A handful of people responsible for the vast majority of crime.

      If you've got 10 addicts who steal £5 ten times a day to feed their habit then that's a lot of victims.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: London gang nominal?

        When a charity gives out free food to the homeless and the hungry... is the system known as buy-no-meal distribution?

      2. JLV Silver badge

        Re: London gang nominal?

        esp if they smash £200 of windows to get at those £5 each time.

        We have similar losers here and it strains my general preference for lighter sentences when the same petty crimes are done dozens of times. At that point, I believe the extra costs of long term incarceration are offset by recurring court, insurance and victim costs. For that small minority much longer sentences seem more like common sense.

        Still, I hope he doesn't die from this shit. I thought a week or two was already iffy health-wise.

    3. Alan Brown Silver badge

      Re: London gang nominal?

      "WTF is a 'London gang nominal'? "

      In some countries they're known as "prospects" - associate members not yet fully blooded.

      1. Barry Rueger Silver badge

        Re: London gang nominal?

        "WTF is a 'London gang nominal'?

        In Canada it's "Known to police."

        A clever euphemism for "he's never been arrested, charged, or convicted of any crime, but trust us, we know he's a criminal."

        Surely having yourself described this way in the media would never influence your likelihood of a fair trial?

        1. The Oncoming Scorn
          Joke

          Re: London gang nominal?

          From Not The Nine O'Clock News - A small smattering of Constable Savage:

          O: Savage, why do you keep arresting this man?

          S: He’s a villain, sir.

          O: A villain …

          S: And a jailbird.

          O: (exploding) I know he’s a jailbird, Savage. He’s down in the cells now. We are holding him on a charge of possession of curly black hair and thick lips.

          S: Well, … well, well, well there you are, sir.

          O: You arrested him, Savage!

          S: (stupidly pleased) Thank you, sir.

        2. collinsl

          Re: London gang nominal?

          We have KTP too...

        3. Alan Brown Silver badge

          Re: London gang nominal?

          > In Canada it's "Known to police."

          >

          > A clever euphemism for "he's never been arrested, charged, or convicted of any crime, but trust us, we know he's a criminal."

          On this side of the Atlantic, it's someone with a criminal record, or a long arrest sheet or someone who keeps showing up associated with known criminals and their activities.

          Such people are the first stop when searching for stolen goods, as a f'instance.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: London gang nominal?

      > WTF is a 'London gang nominal'?

      It is what is being attributed to when accompanied by a London gang adjectival.

    5. Robert Carnegie Silver badge

      Re: London gang nominal?

      "Nominal" in Britain is an adjective meaning "by name", roughly. In other contexts it seems to be a synonym for "normal". In the well-informed wizarding police procedural novels by Ben Aaronovitch, starting with "Rivers of London", in the 21st century "nominal" as a noun means anyone whose personal details are put in the police database in the course of an investigation; criminal, victim, witness, bystander, family members, anyone else who turns up in the book. After all, who has done what is only to be determined in the course of investigation. I presume it's also possible that Nominal 1 (mysterious wizard) and Nominal 2 (Mr P Daniels of television notability) turn out to be one and the same person, or somebody has an identical twin brother or sister. Pbzr gb guvax, gung'f unccrarq va gur obbxf. (ROT13)

      It's slightly like "person of interest", except that that American phrase, according to its Wikipedia article, did in fact start out with meanings such as "someone that the police keep a file on because they're black", and presently tends to be treated by the public as "suspect / villain", although I gather the original point of the recrent television series titled "Person of Interest" was that an omniscient, prescient, literal Machine would tell investigators that somebody was important this week but not why.

      I think the police would not tweet "this bloke's guilty and he won't go to the lavatory" and then expect a court to accept that a fair trial on the allegation is taking place when they've already publicly libelled him - so to speak. So, no, everyone's a nominal.

  5. Laura Kerr

    "the hospital treatment he needs"...

    ... is likely to involve some lube and a bottle of phosphate that has a rather long nozzle.

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