back to article HomePod, you say? Sex sex sex, that's all you think about

My wife has a hairy tongue. At least, I think she may soon develop one. The source of this information is the package leaflet inserted into the box of capsules she's been prescribed for what the doctor reckoned was a bad case of Woman Flu. Fans of Japanese surreal fiction and body horror should spend more time reading these …

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Rings.

All evidence seems to suggest that Apple has gone full-DevOps and fired it's QA department. Much merriment will no doubt ensue.

N.B. Some folks might find a hairy tongue to be somewhat stimulating. Conversationally, of course. Although I suspect they'd be on the receiving end of the ol' hairy eyeball ...

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Re: Hairy tongue

Apparently it isn't uncommon and isn't serious (and isn't actually hair) but I don't recommend looking it up, because inevitably you will also get to read about black hairy tongue...which may be the same thing, but it's hard to read about it with fingers over my eyes. (As a defensive posture, not another alarming clinical condition.)

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Coat

"...Apple has gone full-DevOps "

Is that like Full Bursar?

That's mine with the dried frog pills in the pockets.

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Re: "...Apple has gone full-DevOps "

Frog pills are definitely better than "Frog in a Blender*".

*Reference: This will work or Google for Bassomatic.. http://joecartoon.com/watch/k1bbbc/Frog_in_a_Blender

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Hey Pinky!

Another one in 100 will see their hands swell up like balloons...

Hairy tongue would need a tongue razor? A quick google doesn't show any current product, business opportunity?

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Re: Hey Pinky!

"hands swell up like balloons..."

Sometimes referred to as 'Gilmouritis'

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Hey Pinky!

"A quick google doesn't show any current product, business opportunity?"

There are tongue scrapers on the market.

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TRT
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Oh those silicone implants...

are such a bother.

I'd far prefer to have a felt ring on the bottom.

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Coat

Re: Oh those silicone implants...

I felt it, feels like silicone...

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Ahh, wood jokes :)

I've been a keen hobbyist woodworker for years and it never gets old.

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Re: Ahh, wood jokes :)

Old woodworks never retire, they just get knotted.

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Re: Ahh, wood jokes :)

Beavis and Butt-head in HollyWOOD.

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Holmes

Trouble shooting guides.....

Still available and still as useless as always - no picture - is the TV turned on? - press power button.

Only the brave though read the notes that come with pills - given the list of side-effects a placebo would be preferable.....

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Re: Trouble shooting guides.....

"Only the brave though read the notes that come with pills - given the list of side-effects a placebo would be preferable"

In fact placebos can have side effects too, especially if the patient reads the possible side effects of what they think they are getting.

Psychosomatic effects can be just as severe as straightforward diseases.

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Re: Trouble shooting guides.....

indeed.

Psychosomatic effects. Like my "catch 22 asthma".

Essentially I don't have asthma *unless* I don't own an inhaler.

The second the brain realises there are none of the relevant drugs in the household - it turns on like a switch has been flicked. Incredible thing, the brain.

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Re: Trouble shooting guides.....

Incredible thing, the brain.

Indeed. I'm firmly convinced everyone should be issued with a working one.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Trouble shooting guides.....

Essentially I don't have asthma *unless* I don't own an inhaler.

I used to have the same thing! Except it was with vodka.

My brain kept thinking I was going into alcohol withdrawl

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Anonymous Coward

If you had a hairy tongue would you be immune to the dreaded lamp post lick stick?

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Anonymous Coward

"[...] to the dreaded lamp post lick stick?"

One of our teachers recounted the tale of a boy who - in a very cold winter in the 1940/50s - licked the iron railings outside the school. There was then an exercise in gently freeing his tongue from the frozen surface.

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Pour boiling water on it, mate. They will be free from the post as soon as they see the kettle.

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the dreaded lamp post lick stick

I refer the honourable gentleman to the excellent episode of John Finnemore's Cabin Pressure titled St. Petersburg

M.

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Happy

Cabin Pressure is a work of genius.

I'm sure MJN Air would have sorted out the farting passenger on the Dutch plane without being forced to divert. Unless of course the pilots wanted to divert anyway, in order to get a nicer hotel say, or for some other nefarious reason.

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Happy

Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

1) Don't buy it. Get a Sonos instead... Oh wait.. It leaves rings as well. Just don't bother with this POS and technology dead end.

2) Got a paper hanky? Put that under it and problem solved. Fanbois won't do that though. They'll spend thousands on new 'ring proof' furniture instead.

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Re: Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

It's a case of putting the D'Oyly before the Carte.

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Re: Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

There is a $20 coaster in leather just advertised to keep your wood ring-free.

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Re: Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

So, I should get a grip on my ROD and keep a paper hanky nearby? Makes sense.

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Re: Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

Let 'em eat antimacassars!

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Re: Simple solutions to the HomePod thing

"There is a $20 coaster in leather just advertised to keep your wood ring-free."

Which will take away one of the features, the bass resonance.

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Mr Dabbs,

That has to be one of your finest, the segue from furry tongues to Siri buggers is a work of art.

It must be nearly lunchtime . . .

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Norwegian wood

plenty of that at the Winter Olympics (those athletes have plenty of partying to attend to as soon as their event(s) are over)

disclaimer: Other nationalities of wood are available

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Medication warnings

So true. But as they all seem to include 'May cause death' they do rather put you off taking the things.

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Re: Medication warnings

They are likely putting your ailment in perspective. If you would rather die than be ill then fine, take the damn pills. Otherwise stop being such a <insert choice of words>.

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Re: Medication warnings

My favourite, and I see this way too often, is "may cause the symptoms you are taking the medication to alleviate".

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Re: Medication warnings

My favourite, and I see this way too often, is "may cause the symptoms you are taking the medication to alleviate".

Yes. My wifes anti-depressants have depression as one of the possible side effects.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Medication warnings

"do not take if you are allergic to any of the ingredients"... for crying out loud, it's a plain (non-hallucinogenic) cough syrup!!!

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Anonymous Coward

"[...] customers are being advised to "oil their wood" [...]"

Wood and ring - sounds like a Prince Albert. NSFW

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Joke

Wonderful! It's really about time microwave ovens start coming with off-putting lists of possible side-effects as well considering how wildly dangerous they truly are - such as: "...including severe adverse financial effects*, concussion-like swelling**, extensive third degree burns***, loss of your home****, cardiac arrest*****, asphyxiation******, irreversible loss of cerebral activity*******, violent seizures******** and general cessation of existence by spontaneous summoning of a quantum singularity from a parallel dimension*********". Scary stuff, I tell you!

* by electricity bill, if you keep melting the cheese on your sammiches with the grill heater for every single meal

** by contact with your neighbour's baseball bat when he finally realizes why his WiFi keeps dropping the connection on the other side of the wall

*** go ahead, look up that Youtube clip about microwaves and superheated water, then ever again dare to re-heat a cup of tea, I dare you...

**** by the fire caused by a shitty extension cord that starts arcing at the plug

***** by leaking enough EM radiation to reset your pacemaker into "firmware update" mode

****** assuming you fail to remove it quickly enough after you cement your head into it just for teh lulz

******* assuming your door interlock is faulty and you decide it's easier to see up-close when the food is done with the door open

******** by electrocution via the high-powered high-voltage transformer when you go "hold my beer, I can fix this even plugged in..."

********* impossible to conclusively prove it cannot happen so if it does guess who you won't be suing? Not us!

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As a teen in the 70's I took great delight in very carefully copying some Japanese characters to make a poster for above my bed. The characters were on an 8" floppy disc sleeve and (according to BASF) translated to 'Insert Carefully'

It's not the words, it's the mind reading them

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Well, if you have an 8 inch floppy, then 'Insert Carefully' will not really help.

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Antibiotics for flu?

Not unless there's a bacterial secondary infection.

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>> Antibiotics for flu?

Our chief sub raised this matter with me and we discussed it at length. She suspected that I might be deliberately provoking pedants to add comments on these lines, and she considered adding a footnote to explain that Woman Flu is not a real ailment recognised by the medical profession but a joke name used in this column because it sounds funnier than "ear-ache".

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Joke

Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

Oh come now, dont try and tell me that gender specific Flus arent real. Everyone knows that the pain a woman experiences in child birth is ALMOST as bad as a case of Man-Flu.

Almost....

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Happy

Oi, Dabbsy

I found a solution to the problem you described in your review of the iPhone X the other week.

Day 10: I think I’ve got the hang of transferring the photos to a computer. My choices are AirDrop (to a Mac, very fussy) or via USB cable and an import utility (again very fussy as I have to tick every image one by one).

Using the USB cable route, the answer is to click one of the photos and then hit Command-A, to select all of them.

(I did manage to get away with just a Command-A, but that first click on an image ensures that the right bit of the screen has focus.)

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Unhappy

Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

The humour would probably more rib tickling if I wasn't participating in the team game of "couple flu" at the moment.

My score sheet is not looking good (not looking very healthy?) so far.

Demerit #1 for catching the original infection and bringing it home.

Demerit #2 for recovering more quickly, possibly due to having a flu jab before Xmas.

Demerit #3 a possibility for removing the phrase "Oh, it was only man flu" from future discussion and analysis.

So more rib aching at the moment.

Off to do some active cherishing.

Oh, and a Dabbs demerit for even suggesting antibiotics for flu. Not funny when you know it isn't a cure. Also, Doctors across the nation will damn you to hell for all eternity when all the whingeing buggers turn up first thing on Monday demanding antibiotics because "they read it on the Internet".

All that is left for me now is the mind bleach as I contemplate how you might be assisting your poor suffering Lady Wife to partake of the medication "as big as a horse suppository". No, get me a bigger bottle!!

My heartfelt sympathy to her with wishes for a speedy recovery and less user agressive medication.

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Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

I don't know... my ex-wife insisted on having antibiotics whenever she had flu/cold/virus because once upon a time when she was a teenager she was prescribed some and it worked.

Every time I would insist she didn't go to the doctor for antibiotics, she would hold off a day or two then sneak over there when I was at work, insist on antibiotics (we must have had such a weak willed GP or she wore them down), then the next day after starting a course would be getting better and cured within 48 hours.

This, apparently, was proof that antibiotics cured viruses and that I, and the rest of medical science, were idiots.

We are now divorced. I cited unreasonable behaviour in the papers; not doing what she was told to by her husband mental and physical cruelty.

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Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

Given that a virus will usually clear in a week then by the time most people get to the stage of demanding and starting to take antibiotics they are starting to get better anyway.

You could prescribe almost anything from water upwards with equally effective results.

My Doctor is wonderful. He cured my flu with his special treatment of vintage champagne and rough sex with the pool boy. In a couple of days I was cured!

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Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

Dr Brown Bear was told not to give Peppa Pig any more antibiotics, and within a week, she was cured.

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Re: >> Antibiotics for flu?

Note, your ex-better half probably got prescribed placebos instead of anti-biotics. Doctors and pharmacists know how to handle people who self diagnose and insist on medication.

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There is a scene in Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid where Steve Martin shaves his tongue, but I can't find a link right now.

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