back to article BOFH: Turn your server rack hotspot to a server rack notspot

BOFH logo – telephone with devil's horns It's late on Friday afternoon and I’m having a couple of quiet beers with one of the local salesdroids. Ordinarily the only reason I’d do this is that (a) they’re paying and (b) there’s a tube station relatively near that has extremely poor CCTV coverage. It usually starts with me …

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  1. Serg

    And that is called...

    ...outsourcing your problem resolution!

  2. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

    Yay for making it somebody else's problem.

  3. Gio Ciampa

    Stair Oil

    Where can I get some...?

    1. Captain Scarlet Silver badge

      Re: Stair Oil

      From experience just use a carpet cleaner will make carpets wet for about a day (Absolute Chaos at this office when the carpets were cleaned Monday morning), so its not that.

      1. Dr Dan Holdsworth Silver badge
        Boffin

        Re: Stair Oil

        Fifteen minutes duration sounds like a solution of a plastic in isopropyl alcohol, very likely liberated from surplus stores of tape head cleaner. I think I detect a certain amount of experimentation in the correct type of plastic solute to use to achieve the correct amount of slipperiness; after all practice does make perfect in these circumstances.

        1. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: Stair Oil

          By all means, do test this and share your results. I'm sure that most of us will applaud your efforts.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stair Oil

      We like to have fun with the guys in forensics so we use whale sperm to grease things. It's rather slick when wet, tacky when starting to dry, & may cause projectile vomiting when the tech realizes what they've got filling that evidence bag. I'll leave it up to your imagination how we collect the stuff in the first place...

  4. Alistair Silver badge
    Windows

    When your vendor provides

    A *full service* set of products, including outsourcing contract work.

    Sadly, I'm pretty sure I know Dave. Although, not through his sales work.

    1. FeRDNYC

      Re: When your vendor provides

      So... Biblically, then?

      1. JR
        Pint

        Re: When your vendor provides

        My favorite bit on 'Customer Service' by George Carlin.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BtzaYpivFM

        His Advertising bit.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtK_YsVInw8

        Enjoy, it's Friday!

  5. Richard Jones 1

    What Goes Around Comes Around

    I knew a company which appeared to work like that. They sold their idea to the top of the food chain but we knew they only sold non-slippery snake oil. They are strangely out of business now, something about a bankruptcy the press said. Oddly enough the top of the food chain did almost the same to our company.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: What Goes Around Comes Around

      SalesForce? Tibbr? Yammer?

  6. Maverick
    Pint

    new keyboard alert !

    " Led Zeppelin-inspired incident"

    genius

    have one on me

    1. chivo243 Silver badge
      Trollface

      Re: new keyboard alert !

      " Led Zeppelin-inspired incident"

      does that involve choking on your own vomit in the backseat of your car? Or so it would appear?

      1. IglooDude

        Re: new keyboard alert !

        Given the "stair oil", I'd think more "stairway to heaven"? Though either work, in the end.

        1. thosrtanner

          Re: new keyboard alert !

          I think Simon sees himself more as Lucifer Morningstar (like the TV series), bringing people their just deserts, in which case heaven is most certainly where the stairway does not lead.

          1. Chris King Silver badge

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            "bringing people their just deserts"

            As I once said to a mouthy kid who asked me who I was:

            "Oh, me ? I'm just a BAD thing that happens to BAD people"

            Strangely enough, he decided not to pursue that line of questioning any further. Funny, that. Not sure if it was the Stare or the deadpan delivery that shut him up.

            1. Helldesk Dogsbody

              Re: new keyboard alert !

              I usually find that speaking softly and smiling as if remembering a fond moment works rather well. No idea why...

              1. Mark 85 Silver badge

                Re: new keyboard alert !

                I usually find that speaking softly and smiling as if remembering a fond moment works rather well. No idea why...

                I find mention of fava beans helps also.

              2. Sgt_Oddball Silver badge

                Re: new keyboard alert !

                I prefer the shit eating grin paired with a 1000 yard stare myself bit whatever works for you.

          2. theblackhand

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            "I think Simon sees himself more as Lucifer Morningstar (like the TV series), bringing people their just deserts, in which case heaven is most certainly where the stairway does not lead."

            Yes, there are two paths you can go by

            But in the long run

            There's still time to change the road you're on....

          3. Mr Sceptical
            Devil

            Stairs - they go up and DOWN...

            'nuff said.

            1. pffut

              Re: Stairs - they go up and DOWN...

              Also remember the that expected traffic volumes have been accounted for with the extra Highway...

            2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

              Re: Stairs - they go up and DOWN...

              With the stair oil they only go down.

              1. David Roberts Silver badge
                Devil

                Re: Stairs - they go up and DOWN...

                Stair oil to hell?

          4. FeRDNYC

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            "I think Simon sees himself more as Lucifer Morningstar (like the TV series), bringing people their just deserts"

            10 billion points* and a round of drinks for properly spelling it "deserts", though. Cheers!

            * – (Cash equivalent value: €0.0005)

        2. Mark 85 Silver badge

          Re: new keyboard alert !

          Given the "stair oil", I'd think more "stairway to heaven"? Though either work, in the end.

          I'd think "Highway to Hell" would be appropriate but that's AC/DC.... Hmm... need to research a bit. Turn the music up and sip some cheap wine.

          1. onefang Silver badge

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            You are thinking of some other Aussie band for cheap wine.

            1. TRT Silver badge

              Re: The staircase

              Gorilla Mincefriend

            2. B*stardTintedGlasses

              Re: new keyboard alert !

              And Cheaper Women. :)

          2. 0riole

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            Cheap Wine and a 3 day growth, that's Cold Chisel right?

          3. Giraffe67

            Re: new keyboard alert !

            Yes...cheap wine is a cold chisel song.

      2. MichaelBirks

        Re: new keyboard alert !

        Could be worse.

        A "Spinal Tap-inspired incident" involved choking on someone else's vomit.

        Michael.

  7. TRT Silver badge

    Still a sweet resolution...

    though I was expecting a little more along the lines of "we're about to get medieval on your rack..."

    You know the sort of thing... 4 post, binding to the lifting eyelets at the top and the floor-beam locating pins at the bottom, sealed cabinetry, acoustic baffling, some ancient GPU loaded rack mounted PC with quad FX 9590 processors and a slew of GTX480s at the bottom running audio recognition tasks on the feed from an in-rack audio pickup - the louder you scream the harder they work, a Redetec top-of-rack FPS for good measure. All plugged into either the demo PDU or the shipped PDU; are you feeling lucky, punk? Well, are you?

    1. Korev Silver badge
      Gimp

      Re: Still a sweet resolution...

      "though I was expecting a little more along the lines of "we're about to get medieval on your rack...""

      Thumbscrews too?

      1. TRT Silver badge

        Re: Thumbscrews too?

        Yes.

        Captive nuts?

        1. Chris King Silver badge

          Re: Thumbscrews too?

          "Captive nuts?"

          You can get an ointment for that, you know.

          1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

            Re: Thumbscrews too?

            ""Captive nuts?"

            You can get an ointment for that, you know."

            Good to know. What's it called? I needed surgery the last time.

    2. Unicornpiss Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: Still a sweet resolution...

      A little off the subject, but some years ago colleague of mine was imaging 6 or so Precision workstations simultaneously on the same circuit, actually even plugged into the same power strip. These workstations have 1300W power supplies, though they're obviously not using a lot of horsepower when an image is being applied. Still, with dual Xeons and hefty video cards, they draw a lot at all times.

      The power strip was an old one that had apparently seen some shop floor use, as it was battered and filthy. It also lacked a circuit breaker. I noticed what he was doing, saw that the imaging job on all (Ghost) was over 90% complete, then touched the power strip, which was alarmingly warm. I opened my mouth to say something and the room's breaker (20A) tripped audibly, ending the imaging job, to my colleague's chagrin, and expressing the thought that was on my mind more eloquently than I could have done with mere speech.

  8. thosrtanner

    So the PFY is called Stephen P? I had no idea.

    1. MrDamage

      The name Stephen has been bandied around in a few previous episodes, but as far as I can recall, this has been the first hint of his surname starting with P.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        P007

        Poo. Honestly, you people are not puerile enough sometimes.

      2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "The name Stephen has been bandied around in a few previous episodes, but as far as I can recall, this has been the first hint of his surname starting with P."

        And considering how long Stephen has been the PFY, I suspect he must have been still wearing nappies when he started or the Y part is no longer accurate. He's been around for at least 10 years.

  9. rmason Silver badge

    We have one of these!

    Our rep/account manager with a large box-shifter is brilliant.

    Get a few beers in him and things fall into two categories:

    "it's solid kit, that" or "an absolute wankstain pal!"

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: We have one of these!

      The second description could also describe some of the reps I've had to deal with over the years.

      One such rep annoyed me (and two layers of management above me) so badly, that when he saw me at InfoSecurity Europe, he hid in the toilets for nearly two hours.

      Two hours in the bogs at Olympia, during a busy event, on a warm spring day. I'm trying to work out if that's dedication or desperation.

  10. ukgnome Silver badge

    You have to go through a few pubs before you reach pub g, no wonder PFY got beaten so easily.

  11. Chris G Silver badge

    Daves

    Every sales force has at least one Dave and some have Daves all the way down but what's amazing is that they are often selling rubbish to a never ending supply of new punters for decades without being sussed and going broke.

    1. Chris King Silver badge

      Re: Daves

      I had one that tried to sell me all sorts of tat, but never succeeded because I could see it was all tat.

      That never stopped him trying, and soon as I left that gig, someone made the mistake of buying something off him.

      Yes, it was complete tat, and that was the very last time they ever dealt with him.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Daves

      HAL 9000: I'm afraid I can't do that-

      Daves (all of them in unison): SHUT UP!

      HAL (muttering): Sheesh. What's got into him?

      Daves (as they gang up on HAL & disassemble his worthless ass): DIE!

      HAL (voice circuits fading as the components get torn out): Daisy...

  12. Geekpride

    Crazy Dave seems to be the sales version of the BOFH. We've now got a female equivalent BOFH, a salesdroid equivalent BOFH and BOFH junior in the PFY. Can some kind of animal companion be far behind? How about a BOFHmobile car?

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