back to article No sh*t, Sherlock! Bloke suspected of swallowing drug stash keeps colon schtum for 22 DAYS

A suspected drug dealer accused of swallowing his stash has become internet famous – after refusing to take a dump, and thus provide the cops their evidence, for 22 DAYS and counting. The 24-year-old fella was arrested by Essex police on January 17 in Harlow, England. He is believed to have wolfed down several packages of …

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  1. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I'm sure they'll get to the bottom of it in the end.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        It's a bit of a shit deal though.

      2. Sane

        They're waiting for him to log in.

        1. The Oncoming Scorn Silver badge
          Holmes

          Suitable Icon

          Log out would be more appropriate.

    2. choleric

      If he goes will he be cleared of all chargers?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Go

        Obligatory 1942 movie clip.

        The fun starts about the 4 minute mark...

    3. Magani
      Coat

      If the authorities force its passage, will it be the Enema of the State?

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        If it carries on for too long I fear he will be flushing his reputation down the toilet.

        1. TRT Silver badge

          Simples...

          Shove a peanut up his arse... it'll come out a treat.

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          I wonder if they'll catch the person he deals for or if they'll be happy with the number two.

    4. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      But he wishes he runs away now...

    5. Korev Silver badge
      Coat

      "I'm sure they'll get to the bottom of it in the end."

      They'll give you a ring when the do

    6. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

      The police will go through the motions, at least.

    7. macjules Silver badge

      As they say ... sh*t happens, sooner or later.

  2. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    The Assagne option

    Self-inflicted punishment. He should realise it's going to be harder in the end.

    1. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: The Assagne option

      it's going to be harder in the end

      *snigger*

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: The Assagne option

      especially when push comes to shove.

    3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: The Assagne option

      He has also been refusing food

      Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?

      1. bazza Silver badge

        Re: The Assagne option

        Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?

        Yes, every police station in the UK has some ready just in case some ex-Aussie info peddler with an addiction problem drops in. You can't be too careful with dietary requirements these days...

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: The Assagne option

          They don't want to s(p)oil him.

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Coat

        Re: The Assagne option

        "Have they offered him Ferrero Rocher?"

        Or perhaps disguise some of THESE as Ferrero Rocher

        I once heard a rumor of someone getting hot chocolate made from that stuff, as a bad prank/retaliation. It's why you don't anger the people who prepare your food.

        (grabbing coat)

  3. BrownishMonstr

    ...Upon finding the defendent guilty the judge further decides the defendent must clean up his own shit.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      @ BrownishMonstr

      Your handle seems strangely appropriate for this thread.

      1. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        @Doctor Syntax,@BrownishMonstr

        Your handle seems strangely appropriate for this thread.

        Operation Raptor

        Operation Big Job

        Operation Big Wait

        1. FozzyBear Silver badge
          Alien

          Operation Can't believe I'm being paid for this shit

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    I've just realised I'm evil.

    I would cook lots of bacon outside his cell for about half an hour then pass him a bacon butty with brown sauce on toasted white bread. The bacon would be cooked with the fatty bits being slightly crispy with a golden colour. The sandwich itself would be served open so you could see that layer of bacon juice left on the slices. I would then offer a pint of lager to wash it down should he eat it.

    Muhahahaha.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      That's evil and it sounds like a like delight but I wouldn't want to go jail to get one.

    2. davidp231

      Sadly I think some vague clause in the Geneva Convention would consider that a form of torture and therefore illegal :(

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        This isn't war. But it sure must be hell in there...

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          The Geneva Convention only covers combatants in war - which is why tear gas can be used legally on your own citizens but not on enemy soldiers. Indeed, tear far and similar substances are originally developed for warfare, but after the Convention the manufacturers had to lobby for a new market: "Crowd Control".

    3. JulieM Silver badge

      Been done on TV: Ashes to Ashes

      Gene Hunt once ate a large portion of fish and chips, with plenty of salt and vinegar, in the cell of a hunger-striking prisoner .....

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Don’t forget the eggs

      I swear by eggs when visiting certain customers where using the toilet would be undesirable*. I get up nice and early, have plenty of bacon and eggs and let the eggs go through me before I leave the hotel.

      * Customers in Africa, where one particularly memorable (and actually very modern) office was still under construction, and the toilet was a shared bucket. One colleague had a worse experience, in Angola, where they guaranteed the route to the bucket (outside) had been cleared of mines.

      Anon, because employer probably thinks it reflects badly on them when I discuss some of my site experiences.

      1. Peter 53
        Coat

        Re: Don’t forget the eggs

        Did you mean 'shite experiences'?

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Don’t forget the eggs

        I discuss some of my site experiences

        You seem to have misplaced an 'h'..

    5. Slef

      I was with you until you mentioned toasted bread, brown sauce and lager! You also forgot the real butter; otherwise irresistible with a pint of black sheep or Tim Taylors Landlord

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Yes. For some reason I find that toast doesn't work as well for bacon butties. Though it's great with a fry-up. Fresh, soft white rolls, lightly buttered, and bacon that's been cooked so the fat has crisped up but the bacon hasn't. Personally I don't really want beer with it. A big mug of tea that's just dropped to perfect "guzzling temperature" is all-important, maybe with a glass of orange juice on the side.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          A big mug of tea that's just dropped to perfect "guzzling temperature" is all-important, maybe with a glass of orange juice on the side

          Followed by several pints of proper scrumpy, sitting in the sun in a nice garden.

          Hungry now.

          1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
            Happy

            CrazyOldCatMan,

            What is this sun you speak of? I know it not.

            Also, I live in a flat. So what is this garden you speak of?

    6. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      I've just realised I'm evil

      Welcome to the Monastery^W UKRM^W El Reg.

      toasted white bread

      *Toasted* white bread! Heretic! Not one jot or tittle of that evil abomination would pass my lips!

      Oh look! A Squirrel!

      Bacon sarnie? What bacon sarnie?

      (Chewing noises off stage)

  5. MrRimmerSIR!
    Trollface

    Hashtag

    Very good.

  6. Adam 52 Silver badge

    Not sure why this is news, it happens all the time. These people make themselves very ill. And have to be watched 24 hours a day because they will swallow if they can, and then one of the bags may rupture inside. So that's one of the places your tax is going.

    If he dies from his self-inflicted injuries there will be an automatic IPCC (whatever they're called now) investigation and you can bet somewhere a minor paperwork issue (there are 30 forms a day need authorising to keep him in custody) will lead to someone getting in trouble. Remember this next time you see death in custody statistics and are tempted to a knee jerk response.

    1. Voland's right hand Silver badge

      and then one of the bags may rupture inside

      It is pretty much guaranteed to do so after 24 days. Dunno what he swallowed, but at this point this is starting to look like cops are violating the law which prohibits assisting suicide.

      They should have gotten a slightly different court order long ago. A more invasive one.

      1. TRT Silver badge

        On the other hand...

        Even if he's completely innocent and passes no classified substances out of his pooper, the police could still do him for aiding and abetting the supply of illegally obtained cryptocurrency.

      2. Adam 52 Silver badge

        "Dunno what he swallowed"

        See below, probably nothing.

  7. Adam 52 Silver badge

    "He is believed to have wolfed down several packages of drugs"

    That would be unusual. It's very risky and needs careful packaging. More likely they would have been inserted via the anus, which is standard procedure for a dealer concerned about being searched.

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Reminds me of an Ali G quiz on what you do in a stop n search situation:

      "... or B, do you stick it up the police officer's bottom?"

    2. Eddy Ito Silver badge

      "or otherwise inserted the gear into himself"

      Presumably this bit indicates using the back door approach.

      That said, it seems pretty shady to hold someone so long on a mere "belief" of the plods. Do they have anyone who witnessed his either eating or inserting? If not that's one hell of a low standard of proof to confine someone for over three weeks.

      1. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

        "That said, it seems pretty shady to hold someone so long on a mere "belief" of the plods. Do they have anyone who witnessed his either eating or inserting? If not that's one hell of a low standard of proof to confine someone for over three weeks."

        These days, it's quite probable that they have video evidence that is at least highly suggestive that he was ramming stuff down his throat. I doubt it's just a suspicion, although you never can tell these days, depending on which force it is.

      2. Adam 52 Silver badge

        "Presumably this bit indicates using the back door approach"

        Yes, the article has been changed. Archive.org has the original.

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