back to article Your data will get hacked anyway so you might as well give up protecting it

Flee! Flee! It’s the return of the frozen heads! With childish inevitability, this steaming pile of perennial medi-nonsense is trying to stage a comeback. Walt Disney did it, and now your own bonce can jostle with his for space in the freezer at a fraction of the price. And it’s all going to happen within the next ten years. …

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  1. Anonymous South African Coward Bronze badge

    Classic.

    Freezing your own head. Reminds me of the sanatorium in Zork Nemesis.

    1. ciaran
      Facepalm

      You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

      I love the frozen head idea, but realistically you'll be a cyborg with no money if you're ever revived. Now where would it be profitable to put a "technically dead" cyborg ? Somewhere dangerous that no living human would ever accept to go to. So basically you'll be managing a methane factory in Jupiter orbit, or harvesting Oort cloud debris. But you won't have a window to look out of. Fun!

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

        I do wonder if there's a legal mechanism to retain ownership of an investment portfolio ( managed on your behalf by a firm, of course ) when your brain has been frozen.

        You could "die" moderately well off and "wake up" outrageously rich ( or dirt poor if the fund manager put it all on black ).

        The cyborg problem could be worked around with a head/body transplant ( which ever way you want to look at it ) from somebody who died from a brain injury.

        1. Rich 11

          Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

          Or you could just spend a year dead for tax reasons.

          1. fobobob

            Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

            Was hoping this one hadn't been said yet xD; it is the excuse I pull when nothing else fits.

        2. ciaran

          Dead people don't have money (problems)

          I would guess that your investment fund would be raided by your heirs about 10 seconds after the will was read. That's why I think you'd be broke, and hence doing something "useful"...

          1. Toltec

            Re: Dead people don't have money (problems)

            "I would guess that your investment fund would be raided by your heirs"

            More likely the government would suck it down to nothing using some kind of wealth tax. Logically it would have to otherwise everything would eventually be owned by dead people that pay no tax.

            1. ciaran

              Re: Dead people don't have money (problems)

              Equally probable, yes.

              In any case, the lawyers will get their cut off the top ;)

            2. GBE

              Re: Dead people don't have money (problems)

              > everything would eventually be owned by dead people that pay no tax.

              If dead people are ever allowed to "own" anything, you can be damn sure they'll also be paying taxes.

              Governments aren't _that_ stupid.

              1. James O'Shea

                Re: Dead people don't have money (problems)

                "> everything would eventually be owned by dead people that pay no tax.

                If dead people are ever allowed to "own" anything, you can be damn sure they'll also be paying taxes.

                Governments aren't _that_ stupid."

                Dead people owning everything, and taxes, and not-very-bright governments are precisely the plot of Lois McMaster Bujold's book Cyroburn. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cryoburn

                Unfortunately for the Bad Guys Who Would Be Frozen To Rule, they decide that running just one planet isn't enough, and want more... and the 'more' is one of the three planets run by Lord Auditor Mad Miles Vorkostigan's boss, Emperor Gregor Vorbarra. This means that they run into Mad Miles. Things don't end well for them. They should have picked a safer target... Cetaganda, say, or Old Earth. The not-bright government was owned by the bad guys, and they made the fatal error of assuming that all governments were as corrupt as theirs was, especially the government of a three-planet empire run from a notoriously backwards home world and including one system taken by conquest and another rather accidentally settled as a brand-new colony. They didn't know that the Vor Counts were, originally, the emperors accountants, and they really didn't understand just how powerful a Lord Auditor was, even if he was the youngest and newest Lord Auditor. Oops.

        3. Valerion

          Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

          You could "die" moderately well off and "wake up" outrageously rich.

          Isn't that exactly what happened to Fry in Futurama?

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

            And Lister in Red Dwarf ( although I think that was a prank by Hol, who also said the gas board were chasing him for an unpaid bill plus a thousand years interest ).

            1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge
              Thumb Up

              Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

              From the Norweb wiki page https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NORWEB :

              "Holly, the on-board computer of the mining ship Red Dwarf, played a practical joke on Dave Lister. According to Holly, the Norweb federation were looking for Lister for his crimes against humanity; leaving two half eaten sausages on his table before leaving, which over three million years had gone mouldy and now covered seven eighths of the earth's surface, and also because he left his bathroom light on for three million years, resulting in a 180 billion pound fine."

              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEu0o62ycmg

              Also reminds me of how people paid for their meals at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

            2. Tom Paine

              Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

              Outland Revenue, wasn't it?

              [O gods... I already made a Strontium Dog comment, now this. Am I going for Sad Nerd of the Week here or something?! ]

        4. MonkeyCee

          Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

          "I do wonder if there's a legal mechanism to retain ownership of an investment portfolio ( managed on your behalf by a firm, of course ) when your brain has been frozen."

          A trust would work (IANAL) I expect. In the UK they pay 1% tax every 10 years and allow avoidance of death duties if the beneficiary changes, even if that change is due to death.

          I expect the problem would be in ensuring that the day-to-day trust management doesn't help themselves, or that your descendants (or worse, the state) decides to seize the trust, and expect you to file a response.

          Perhaps a series of trusts, paying people to watch over other people, that sort of thing.

          Personally it all sounds like a scam for extracting a lot of money for rich people with little potential downside. It's not like defrosting tech has been ever shown to work for humans, so there's no actual enforceable contract. Well, maybe the "keep you on ice until you can't pay the bills" part.

      2. dtl

        Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

        If you want to see that idea spun into a exciting book, I recommend "We Are Legion (We Are Bob)" from Dennis E. Taylor.

      3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

        Now where would it be profitable to put a "technically dead" cyborg

        Well, Larry Niven (I think - my search-fu, both in-head and extra-head isn't working) has them flying Interstellar Bussard ramjets for the State.

        It doesn't end well.

        1. ma1010

          Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

          Larry Niven wrote a short story called "Rammer" and then turned it into a novel called "A World Out Of Time."

          Both worth reading, IMHO. The State had confiscated all the wealth of "corpsicles," and when revived, they were put to work doing jobs that required "expendable assets." He also pointed out that their cells had been destroyed by freezing, so they actually extracted the memory RNA and put it into the body of a criminal who had been mind-wiped. And if the newly (well, "revived" isn't exactly the word - "reincarnated"?) don't pass their tests, they just wipe the mind again and start over with another candidate.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Pint

        Re: You'll be revived on mars, or worse...

        Works for me. My troubles are from the neck down. As for my prior life, well as the Reverend Jim put it on Taxi when Tony Danza's character was thinking of joining the Navy: "The Navy is like prison, with a chance of drowning." I'm attitudinally prepared.

        That last YouTube video was my first FanFlic. Good stuff. Also good attitude adjuster.

    2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

      I was thinking of the Corpsicle Problem in Larry Nivens Known Space books.

  2. Ralph the Wonder Llama
    Joke

    “a Fitbit for the stomach”

    Fatbit?

    1. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Re: “a Fitbit for the stomach”

      Gutbit? Fitgut?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: “a Fitbit for the stomach”

      Ulcer Pulser

  3. sandman

    Dungeness

    Lovely post-apocalyptic landscape. The nuclear power plant and the power lines just add the final touch.

    1. Outski
      Boffin

      Re: Dungeness

      Not to mention the Denge sound mirrors nearby https://goo.gl/maps/zGsYcZK3XEE2

      Boffin icon, because the site really deserves a mention in the Reg's Geek's Guide to Blighty

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: Dungeness

        Sound mirrors geek guide is great idea. I'll pitch it and see what happens.

        1. Outski
          Pint

          Re: Dungeness

          Great! For added wonder, one of the best ways to get to Dungeness is the Romney Hythe and Dymnchurch Railway http://www.rhdr.org.uk/dungeness.html

          And there's a pub there as well --->

          1. Alistair Dabbs

            Re: Dungeness

            I've done the miniature railway twice: once when I was 5, then again aged 52.

            1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

              Re: Dungeness

              miniature railway twice: once when I was 5, then again aged 52.

              Similar here - my primary school in Norf Lunnon (can't remember the name - 1/4 of the way up Cat Hill in New Barnet) took us on a week-long trip to St. Mary's Bay when I was a nipper.

              Went back there a couple of years ago when I was 50. The accomodation was slightly better than before - ex-WW2 temporary huts converted into kiddie-barracks were not great.

              But it was the 70's and we expected nothing better.

    2. Admiral Grace Hopper

      Re: Dungeness

      Thank you for the pointers. For whatever reason it's a part of the country that I haven't really been to and has long been on my to-do list, along with Orford Ness.

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: Dungeness

      Isn't Dungeness just the sort of place where low-budget film units go to stage Sci-Fi cowboy shoot-outs & the like?

    4. Jason Bloomberg Silver badge
      Thumb Up

      Re: Dungeness

      There is something about Dungeness I quite like. I popped round to Derek Jarman's 'house' last time I was there. I know he's passed on but I'd much rather think he was out watching a sci-fi space cowboy gunfight on the beach. Though knowing Jarmen; more likely filming half-naked sci-fi space cowboys splashing in the sea, slapping each other about the head with giant rubber willies, while shouting in latin.

      1. hplasm
        Happy

        Re: Dungeness

        "...slapping each other about the head with giant rubber willies, while shouting in latin."

        Isn't that Eton?

  4. TimR

    "It’ll detect when you eat a particularly spicy curry and automatically tell Alexa to order more toilet paper..."

    At last, the killer app for IOT !

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      IoT - the Internet of Toilets?

      [Insert jokes about core dumps and checking the logs here]

      Mine runs domestOS - where the splash screen is sometimes blue, sometimes brown.

  5. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge

    I propose the following

    Theorem 1:

    Anybody who wants to freeze their head for the purpose of returning to life later, has a brain not worth freezing.

    Proof of this is beyond the scope of this essay, but should be bleeding obvious to everyone with a brain worth freezing.

    Corollary 1: All brains worth freezing will only be frozen for the above purpose against the will of the owner of said brain.

    Corollary 2:Freezing of brains for the above purpose is either (i) a waste of space/time/energy, or (ii) evil

    Of course, if you want to freeze your head for the purpose of scaring the willies out of your descendants, that is an entirely different matter

  6. andy 28

    01/01/80

    Jan 1st 1980 is the date that jumps out when I see it. Maybe I'm too young to have seen when things defaulted to 01/01/70. But feels lke I've been doing this stuff forever...

    So, for youngsters, no doubt soon their alarm date wiill be 01/01/00

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 01/01/80

      So you're too young to have heard of POSIX? Or Unix, or just about any operating system other than Windows, when it comes to timestamps?

      1. Stoneshop
        Boffin

        Re: 01/01/80

        17 Nov 1858.

      2. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

        Re: 01/01/80

        ISTR old Mac Systems (6 & 7) used to default to sometime in 1904, or maybe that was just Excel?

        1. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

          Re: 01/01/80

          Macs used to default to 1/1/1904 as it was the first leap year of the 20th century, avoiding the complications of starting with 1900 and having to implement Gregorian leap year exceptions. More here:

          http://www.lowendmac.com/lab/04/0115.html

          1. Jonathan Richards 1

            Re: 01/01/80

            > first leap year of the 20th century

            I think that Sarah has been gone long enough for me to risk pointing out that the 20th century didn't begin until 1 January 1901. Thus 2000-02-28 was the last leap day of the 20th century. CE dates are not origin-zero!

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: 01/01/80

      As I'm guessing you don't know, unix timestamps store the time/date as a number, with 0 representing the first of January 1970.

      The current time is 1508493616.

    3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: 01/01/80

      Informix dates start with 1 = 01/01/1900. A date of 31/12/1899 is a warning that someone didn't understand the difference between null and zero.

  7. Dr_N

    Strontium Dog

    Someone explain why there isn't a blockbuster movie?

    1. Teiwaz

      Re: Strontium Dog

      Strontium Dog

      Someone explain why there isn't a blockbuster movie?

      Proly because the Judge Dredd ones weren't massive hits....I suspect Dredd is considered the main 'celeb' of the magazine, and if he doesn't do that well, the others certainly aren't worth it.

      1. dajames

        Re: Strontium Dog

        Proly because the Judge Dredd ones weren't massive hits....

        The more recent one -- with Karl Urban and Olivia Thirlby -- deserved to be ... apart from being scarily reminiscent of a shopping trip the local Arndale centre on an Saturday afternoon ...

        1. DropBear

          Re: Strontium Dog

          So you're suggesting those who took a look at the trailer and went "f### this, forget it" were merely misinformed, and would have enjoyed it tremendously if only they saw it...?

        2. DJSpuddyLizard

          Re: The Recent One

          I hear it was good. I went to see it in 3D, but I think a projector was out of focus, as all I remember was a massive headache and bleeding eyes. Of course, that may have happened to all viewers.

    2. Alistair Dabbs

      Re: Strontium Dog

      I expect the actor playing Wulf refused to suck Harvey's Weinstein's cock.

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