Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory
First month at Google: Congratulations and welcome to the team! This is amazing and we have great expectations.
Second month at Google: You're so non-complaint with Google policies that we can't even look at you. Take training classes, you filthy outsider. These magic designer beverages will aid your journey.
Third month at Google: We have radical plans that will change humanity. We're making a premium always-on phone with 15 dimension sensors and Cloud AI that does what you want before you even know you want it. New VR and AR phones! Datacenter quality SoC processors. Phones for scuba diving! And there's still 4 billion people not yet touched by Google. We're going to build 25 million free and lightweight phones that can be taped to helium balloons to build a global mesh network. Starving populations in Africa and Asia will be changed forever.
Fourth month at Google: Keep up the good work! What are you working on?
Sixth month at Google: Look, Google is really busy so stop asking us for stuff. Just do what phone people do.
Seventh month at Google: We don't really have time for the scuba phone and balloon thing. We heard they're more complicated than expected. Can you take the microSD port off the last phone and release it as a new model?
Twelfth month at Google: Exciting news! You're going to be under new management that will empower you to do what you need to do. HTC is buying back the team! Not for any money, so you get nothing, but we'll e-mail you the new office address by Friday. Offboarding paperwork is on your desk.