back to article The ultimate full English breakfast – have your SAY

A turf war has broken out among the scribes at Vulture Towers North over the fried delicacies that should and should not be included in the world famous Full English gut buster Breakfast. Based as El Reg is, in deepest hipster central - East London - we've witnessed people starting their day in local coffee shops, consuming …

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  1. Your alien overlord - fear me

    You posh nounces what with your plates. Everything should be wedged inside a couple of slices of bread.

    1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Slices of bread aren't suitably large. You want an Oven Bottom ( a massive barmcake ).

      1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

        WTF is a barmcake?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          A barmcake? Its the banjo bit in the phrase "bacon banjo"

          Obviously.

        2. Tom 7 Silver badge

          Barmcake

          In theory barmcake is a white bread leavened with barm - that's the vigorous froth seen on the top of a beer brew going at full tilt. This gives is extra flavours of malt and hops. Haven't had one for 30 years but still remember them as being 'lush' in modern termibollockly. I'd be worried about a modern version that isnt made the proper way - or possibly worse from a craft brewery using citrusy hops - the only citrus allowed near a full english is in the bloody mary used to pad out the ketchup.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Oi, it's a muffin.

        Here we go...

      3. Stanislaw
        Boffin

        This is no time for breads

        Barmcake?

        I think you mean a bap (West Midlands) or a cob (East Midlands).

        However I'd go for a Staffordshire oatcake every time.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: This is no time for breads

          Sorry but in this case it's an oven bottom muffin

          http://www.ovenbottommuffins.co.uk/

          http://www.warburtons.co.uk/products/rolls/white/4-oven-bottom-muffins

        2. Alister Silver badge

          Re: This is no time for breads

          The chief place for bread products in an English Breakfast are as toast, with lots of butter (just in case there's still some gaps in your arteries) and loads of Marmalade, either Orange or Three-Fruits.

          The injection of the citrus element acts as a degreaser to help break down the truly life-threatening amounts of fat you have just consumed.

          1. Frederic Bloggs

            Re: This is no time for breads

            Marmite!

          2. macjules Silver badge
            Mushroom

            Re: This is no time for breads

            Exactly. Cold plain bread is the last resort of them that can not either toast nor fry their bread.

            The best breakfast I have ever tasted was at a B&B in Padstow, but sadly they went out of business several years ago. Baked beans made with a dash of L&P and tomato relish mixed in. That delicate combination of (slightly) runny egg yolk and crisp fried bread plus properly smoked back bacon, home-made black pudding, genuine pork sausages with none of that 'organic', 'farm-reared', 'slaughterhouse friendly' BS that we get with London 'Wholefoods' stores. Supplement that with toast, tea and Tiptree 'Tawny' Marmalade and if I am going to perish from heart disease then I am sure as hell will go with a smile on my face after that.

            There is definitely a craft to doing a good English Sunday morning fry-up.

      4. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        "You want an Oven Bottom"

        Erm, what do the Kardashians have to do with English Breakfast? (wafflebutt, perhaps?)

        Pommes for the poms?

    2. Richard Gray 1
      Boffin

      Bread?? Stottie

      There is the option of the full breakfast "in a bun", or actually a Stottie.

      A Stottie is a type of large bread-bun-esk loaf around the size of a small dinner plate or a large side palte, and is about an inch and a half thick.

      It has a very dense crumb, making ideal to be cut in half (2 semi circles) the sliced carefully to make a pocket to allow your full fried breakfast (bacon,sausage,fried eggs, beans if you wish) of choice to be inserted and eaten on the go.

      Ideally with runny fried eggs so the yolk drips down your chin, or "kept for later if you have a beard"

      Oh for a time machine to visit that particular Van in Team Valley about 30 years ago!!!!

      1. Mycho Silver badge

        Re: Bread?? Stottie

        Some of us have to settle for a pizza base.

      2. peterm3
        Pint

        Re: Bread?? Stottie

        There's a scene in Withnail and I featuring a full English and I think yolk dribbling. That film is fairly snobbish I think.

      3. Triggerfish

        Re: Bread?? Stottie

        I'll go for that, as a student the local meat supplier for the butchers was round the corner and they used to have a sandwich shop attached. One of those Stotties as a loaded with bacon, sausages. egg, black pud, eggs, beans, tomatoes, mushrooms the full works. Cost next to nothing, and would feed a couple of hungry students and you'd not want lunch there was that much.

        Also bread, friend in Bacon fat, give your arteries a work out.

    3. ritey

      i cannot wedge whiskey in bread

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        You're not trying hard enough!

      2. Chemical Bob

        "i cannot wedge whiskey in bread"

        You're holding it wrong.

    4. TheVogon Silver badge

      I note that the edges of those eggs look burnt / brown. Amateur job...

      The egg white should be white. The yolk should be runny and yellow with the white over the top just cooked enough so that there is no slime...splashing a bit of hot fat across the top is the usual method.

  2. malle-herbert Silver badge
    IT Angle

    Runny eggs ?

    No thanks !

    1. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: Runny eggs ?

      Runny yolk, yes please. Runny white, no thanks - unless I'm in France eating a galette crepe complete, in which case I 'do as the Romans'.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Runny eggs ?

      Forget Brexit? It’s not possible. Remainers just want to eat yancy nancy croissant and just pretend they like a good full English breakfast.

      1. SniperPenguin

        Re: Runny eggs ?

        "Forget Brexit? It’s not possible. Remainers just want to eat yancy nancy croissant and just pretend they like a good full English breakfast."

        Whilst Brexiteers want a greasy "Full English" (oddly, not British..., funny that ;-) ) with a copy of the Sun....

        Ironically cooked by an immigrant, but he's alright, because he cooks full English breakfasts :)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Runny eggs ?

          @SniperPenguin; "Whilst Brexiteers want a greasy "Full English" (oddly, not British..., funny that ;-) ) with a copy of the Sun...."

          I note the article itself says "Let's come together and unite the British nation by selecting [title: "The ultimate full English breakfast"]"

          Oddly, as a Scot, someone conflating Britishness and Englishness tends to make me *less* inclined to unite with the British "nation".

          Except possibly being dragged out of the EU by England and Wales, having been on the end of a scaremongering Unionist campaign that Scotland's place in the EU would be threatened by independence.

          Yeah, but not as much as by remaining hitched to the whims of a bunch of Little Englanders, right? Talking of which...

          "Forget Brexit."

          No- you take *your* Brexit and shove it so hard you'll *never* forget about it. You lot voted for it, now you've got it.

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Runny eggs ?

          "oddly, not British..., funny that ;-)"

          I've seen "Full Sottish" on the menu in Scotland. Never seen a Full Welsh though and not been to Norn Iron!

          1. BongoJoe

            Re: Runny eggs ?

            Welsh Breakfasts do exist. Especially in the Welsh speaking heartlands of North Wales and the Llŷn.

            1. x 7 Silver badge

              Re: Runny eggs ?

              "Welsh Breakfasts do exist. Especially in the Welsh speaking heartlands of North Wales and the Llŷn."

              Doesn't a Welsh breakfast involve fried seaweed / laverbread?

        3. TheVogon Silver badge
          Trollface

          Re: Runny eggs ?

          "Ironically cooked by an immigrant, but he's alright, because he cooks full English breakfasts :)"

          Well, it does keep them away from begging and screaming drunken Celtic slogans from outside London railway stations ...

  3. TheBishop

    Proper Full English

    It is of course a matter of personal taste, but for me:

    Bacon - don't mind what type but it must be nice and crispy

    Fried egg, yolk must be runny (to dip your sausage and fried bread in)

    Fried bread - has to be white bread, not too thick and properly fried all the way through

    Sausage - a nice Cumberland or similar

    Tomatoes - real tomatoes halved and fried in the pan. Need to be good quality ones

    Baked beans - good quality, and not cooked to death and then left under a heat lamp for hours either

    Tomato ketchup - a generous dollop on the plate, not on any of the ingredients. How can a mere chef possibly know where I want to put it?

    And, of course, the meal must be accompanied by a generous mug of proper British tea (I believe this one was already settled by the Reg a while ago) and, if possible, a couple of slices of buttered toast

    What's not to like?

    1. Lusty Silver badge

      Re: Proper Full English

      "British tea"

      It's called English Breakfast Tea actually. It's literally designed and named for this purpose.

      1. phuzz Silver badge
        Megaphone

        Re: Proper Full English

        "English Breakfast Tea"

        That's the sort of nonsense they drink in America. No, a proper fry-up should include a constant supply of builders tea. Not "a cup", but either a bloody great pot of tea, gradually stewing over the course of breakfast, or the kettle on almost permanently for top-ups.

        There's a time and a place for Earl Grey, or Assam or whatnot, but a fry-up requires a beverage with no subtlety or nuance, just a mug full of tannins.

      2. bombastic bob Silver badge
        Happy

        Re: Proper Full English

        "It's called English Breakfast Tea actually. It's literally designed and named for this purpose."

        I can get that over here across the pond (Twinings) at any grocery store, along with Bigelow's 'English Teatime' (very similar, strong black tea). Makes for good iced tea, too. 4 bags per 5 quarts, on the stove for 10 minutes, cool down (inside the pot) in a sink of water, then into a 5 quart pitcher in the fridge (with 2.5 cups of fake sugar). Keeps me going for a day.

        I had an "English Breakfast" when I was in Hong Kong in the 80's. It seemed to be the only thing on the breakfast menu that was close to something I am used to. The only thing unusual (to me) is that they cut the bread crust off of the toast. Other than that, same kind of thing they serve every morning in diners across the USA (like Denney's, IHOP, etc.).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Proper Full English

          IHOP?!! You admit to eating at IHOP? Absolutely no one outside of the USA does (which rather puts the lie to the International part)

        2. John Brown (no body) Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          "I can get that over here across the pond (Twinings) at any grocery store, along with Bigelow's 'English Teatime' (very similar, strong black tea). Makes for good iced tea, too. 4 bags per 5 quarts, on the stove for 10 minutes"

          FFS buy a bloody kettle! You *cannot* make tea in a pan on the stove! Bloody heathen!

          1. Emmeran

            Re: Proper Full English

            "FFS buy a bloody kettle! You *cannot* make tea in a pan on the stove! Bloody heathen!"

            Southern sweet iced tea *must* be made on the stove. You definitely need to get out of your northerly climes a little more often.

      3. Alister Silver badge

        Re: Proper Full English

        It's called English Breakfast Tea actually. It's literally designed and named for this purpose.

        Only in America, perhaps. Here in Britain, it's a choice between Tetleys, PG Tips, or supermarket own brand, well boiled, and three sugars... Builder's Tea, that's what you need.

        1. Aladdin Sane Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          Not Yorkshire tea?

          1. Dave 126 Silver badge

            Re: Proper Full English

            If you can't get proper tea to drink with your full English breakfast then engine degreaser makes an acceptable substitute. And vice versa.

            Sadly, the best 'English' breakfasts are in Cardiff at Tuck-Ins. They used to open at 3am to serve bin-men and taxi drivers, and the occasional international rugby team after a post-match drinking session. You could feel your arteries fur over as you ate, the bacon was that good.

        2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          Twinings do Assam or English Breakfast. Both excellent - I prefer the Assam.

          It's basically builders tea but made with the actual tea leaves - not the twigs.

        3. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          hoice between Tetleys, PG Tips, or supermarket own brand

          Or - if you prefer to be drinking proper leaf tea rather than random floor sweepings, there are some fine strong malty teas (Assam or Ceylon for example).

          Properly brewed in a proper teapot.

          (Or my home mix - 40% licorice tea[1], 30% Lapsang Souchong and 30% Darjeeling. The strength depends on how much you put in the pot and how long it brews).

          [1] Not actually made of licorice - it's standard black tea with added botanicals. Avalable from Atkinsons online shop in Lancaster: https://www.thecoffeehopper.com/product/319/liquorice.htm

          Truely wonderful.

        4. Dave Stevens

          Re: Proper Full English

          On this side of the pond, Tetley comes in green tea, black tea, English blend, orange pekoe, Earl Grey, premium bland, original, you name it. I might find PG Tips at an import shop, like a Scottish store.

          English Breakfast Tea is a black tea blend, which I like. The default tea here, including Tetley is an orange pekoe blend which I can't stand.

          What I regret not trying when I was in London/Maidenhead is the white and black puddings. Everything else is easy enough to find anywhere.

        5. Lusty Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          "Only in America, perhaps. Here in Britain, it's a choice between Tetleys, PG Tips, or supermarket own brand, well boiled, and three sugars... Builder's Tea, that's what you need"

          All of which are...English Breakfast Tea. It's a blend of tea, not a marketing term.

      4. This post has been deleted by its author

      5. Lith

        Re: Proper Full English

        Creature, I name thee Troll!

    2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: Proper Full English

      You are quite simply, demonstrably wrong.

      Unsmoked bacon

      Fried eggs, runny yolk

      Fried white bread

      Cumberland sausage ( with you so far )

      Mushrooms

      Tinned plumb tomatoes

      Brown sauce

      Black pudding

      Either English breakfast tea or if you're feeling exotic, a mug of coffee.

      1. Vinyl-Junkie
        Coat

        Re: Proper Full English

        Plumb tomatoes? I prefer my breakfast unleaded thanks!

        1. Dave 126 Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          I'm with TheBishop all the way here. If someone put a touch of cheese and butter into the baked beans during cooking I wouldn't object, though.

          1. This post has been deleted by its author

        2. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

          Re: Proper Full English

          Southern ponce. Up north we eat lead for breakfast.

          ( Obviously I meant plum, dunno where I got plumb from - perhaps full english cravings clouding my judgement )

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