back to article Utah fights man's attempt to marry laptop

The Utah Attorney General's Office says marrying a laptop is not a constitutionally protected right, particularly if it's less than fifteen years old. Responding to a quixotic lawsuit that aspires to undo the US Supreme Court's recognition of same-sex marriage, David N Wolf, Assistant Attorney General of Utah, contends that …

Childcatcher

OK Computer

Several of my computers, still in at least occasional use, would meet the 18 rule in the UK.

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Anonymous Coward

Ship of Theseus

But is it the same computer if all the parts have been upgraded?

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Happy

Re: Ship of Theseus

Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so...

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Re: OK Computer

I've got an old Epson HX-20 kicking around somewhere in its case, from 1980, known as the first laptop computer, with a built-in miniature tape recorder & printer!

In another box there's some Psion Organiser II's from the mid 80s.

Plus other old computer tech I've forgotten I own.

I'm not a hoarder, I'm an old junk tech collector....who collects old junk tech ;)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Ship of Theseus

"Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so..."

Or are we? Deep.

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Coat

Re: Ship of Theseus

Is it the same woman if some of her parts have been upgraded?

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Re: OK Computer

I've already brought up the 18+ rule and the date of manufacture of a sex bot on another forum.

Sticky issue.

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Re: Ship of Theseus

>>"Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born, and yet we are the same personae, so..."

If you're the same person as when you were born then... No, wait - never mind. This would explain a lot of things...

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Alert

Re: OK Computer

Sticky issue.

Ewww.... use soap and water please.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Ship of Theseus

Well if he consummates the marriage he's going to need a new keyboard.......

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Re: Ship of Theseus

Could that "closed laptop lid" count as S&M ?

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Re: OK Computer

>>Sticky issue.

>Ewww.... use soap and water please.

Bleach.

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Re: Ship of Theseus

Are any women in CA the same after all their upgrades?

Are the Kardasians?

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Re: OK Computer

I've already brought up the 18+ rule and the date of manufacture of a sex bot on another forum.

Sticky issue.

Yes, old plastic and foam doesn't age gracefully :)

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Joke

Re: Ship of Theseus

As long as it's got an SD-slut, it should work..

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Re: OK Computer

Re: "Yes, old plastic and foam doesn't age gracefully :)"

The scary thing is that I read that immediately after reading the words "The Kardashians" and context wise, it seemed to follow on.

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Coat

Re: OK Computer

Justice of the Peach: "Cortana, do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

Cortana: "I'm sorry. Something went wrong. Try your search again."

The one with a pit in the pocket.

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Re: OK Computer

Why didn't Microsoft and Intel consent 2 years ago? Don't they approve of you?

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Re: OK Computer

I have a Compaq 286 luggable from 1986. A large chassis, but capable of taking two 5-and-a-quarter inchers at the same time.

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Re: OK Computer

and that's just the keyboard!

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Re: Ship of Theseus

Most of our bodies' atoms weren't there when we were born

And our cells get replaced every 7[1] years or so..

[1] Some a lot more quickly - skin cells are replaced a lot more quickly than that.

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Re: OK Computer

Don't be silly......

Since using a dildo would be classed as sexual abuse of a minor.

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Re: Ship of Theseus

Are the Kardasians? - are they what? Laptops?

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WTF?

So if he had married the laptop and in the next Windows 10 update the thing died with a BSOD would Microsoft be up for a murder rap?

Or would the doting husband to be be now unable to remove bits of the machine's hardware because that would be harvesting organs?

All stuff that those crazee Utans need to tell us, I am sure.

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Legally marrying anything running WIn10 automatically counts as an abusive relationship in any civilized court and if you are in that situation I can nonjudgementally give you a few phone numbers where you can get help.

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Anonymous Coward

Marry a laptop?

Dude must have been homeschooled...

My god! He never took middle school hygiene. He never saw the propaganda film.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

No he is say the same sex marriage is wrong and absurd , that we must abide be his definition of marriage. In his mind letting gays get married is destruction of marriage (like he has the rights to that word). So in his mind if two guys can get hitched why can't marry my dog, my gun my computer. Wait on second though I would not mind if he married a shot gun and tried to consummate that marriage .

.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

People made exactly the same argument back when the issue was interracial marriage. If the government can't regulate who is allowed to marry who, then how can it legally stop someone marrying their horse?

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Re: Marry a laptop?

" In his mind letting gays get married is destruction of marriage (like he has the rights to that word). So in his mind if two guys can get hitched why can't marry my dog, my gun my computer."

I think we're misjudging this guy here. From the article:-

"This is Sevier's third bite at the Apple, so to speak – or fourth if you count his 2015 lawsuit against Apple for his porn addiction"

So he's not on a crusade against gay marriage, he just wants to marry his laptop so that all the sex will stop...

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Re: Marry a laptop?

They should call his bluff and make him marry it. I'd enjoy seeing the consequences when he had to get a divorce because he actually wanted to marry a real person later, and the laptop got half of his stuff.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

>>"People made exactly the same argument back when the issue was interracial marriage. If the government can't regulate who is allowed to marry who, then how can it legally stop someone marrying their horse?"

Where did this odd idea that marriage is about love come from? I thought it was all about ensuring proper inheritance and obligation to look after children. Interracial couples can have children. People and laptops (and horses) cannot. Gay couples sort of cannot but there are both adoptive and technological alternatives depending.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

Thanks so much for that hearty laugh.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

Does the sex stop? It may go down on him.

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Re: Marry a laptop?

Marriage has served many purposes. Which purposes these are has varied throughout history. There are certainly many couples who married without love in order to secure alliances between powerful families, but there are also people who gave up much of their wealth and status to marry someone beneath their class whome they loved. Even the occasional royal marrying a commoner.

The importance for child-rearing is somewhat lessened today by the availability of contraception. It is no longer an inevitability that every sexually-active heterosexual couple will produce children, as used to be the case, so there is no longer that need to force them into a long-term legal union to make sure they would have no choice but to combine resources to care for those children.

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Gimp

Re: Marry a laptop?

@h4rm0ny

Where did this odd idea that marriage is about love come from?

"Baby, this love is so good! We've got to get the government in on this!" (apologies to Doug Stanhope)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Marry a laptop?

"Marriage has served many purposes. Which purposes these are has varied throughout history. There are certainly many couples who married without love in order to secure alliances between powerful families, but there are also people who gave up much of their wealth and status to marry someone beneath their class whome they loved. Even the occasional royal marrying a commoner."

It's only recently that marrying for love was something a large fraction of the population did. Increased mobility and telecommunications have radically increased the ability to connect with other people, which has made it much easier to "find love".

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Re: Marry a laptop?

Why would anyone want to stop someone from marrying their horse? They're happy, assuming the horse has consented to the union, and it comes with the benefit of potentially removing them from the gene pool so we're all a little better off, aren't we?

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Coat

Re: Why would anyone want to stop someone from marrying their horse?

Consent might be an issue...

Vicar: Do you take this man as your husband?

Horse: Neigh

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Anonymous Coward

15 years old.

How can it consummate the marriage with a 3 and half inch floppy disk?

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Try a 10 inch floppy.

We had much bigger ones in the old days.

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Coat

Bigger is not always better

Well, the 8 (not 10) inch floppy would still be, well, floppy; that 3.5 inch one is much stiffer.

Maybe he should fit his laptop with one of those JizJaz drives.

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Anonymous Coward

Should this ever come to pass, please don't tell us if he ever gets to consummate the marriage and the port he used ...

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

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Anonymous Coward

It's Utah, he be using the Mormon parallel port. Ah yeah!

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Joke

But he'll be pleased because it'll be a female port

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Coat

It's Utah, he be using the Mormon parallel port.

If he marries a succession of laptops, would that make him a serial port monogamist?

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No because a monogamist only sleeps with one laptop.

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Coat

Re: "serial port monogamist"

Good job he doesn't interface with the thunderbolt port, or he'd have a heart attack.

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Re: "serial port monogamist"

I hope he manages to get it into the cooling vents. And that it has a nice fast fan.

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