back to article Royal Navy's newest ship formally named in Glasgow yard

The Royal Navy’s newest warship, offshore patrol vessel HMS Forth, has been formally named in a ceremony held in Scotland. The 90-metre craft was christened by Rachel Johnstone-Burt, who broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow …

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  1. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    Obligatory Star Wars

    May the Forth be with you.

    My coat with the light saber in the pocket!

    1. Mpeler
      Pint

      Re: Obligatory Star Wars

      Congratulations, as you were also the Firth to post :)

      (Gets me waterproof coat.... Mars bars)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Obligatory Star Wars

      Don't tell me, you're a LITHP programmer, right?

  2. HieronymusBloggs Silver badge

    HMS Forth

    Looks very C-worthy

    1. Julz

      Re: HMS Forth

      Functional surly...

    2. macjules Silver badge

      Re: HMS Forth

      Looks like someone repossessed an oligarch's yacht, stuck a cannon on it, painted it RN grey and extended the helipad to take a Merlin.

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: HMS Forth

        Alternatively it could be hurridly repainted, the onyx bath taps installed and the gun removed (or not - depending on the oligarch) and sold if the next budget looks tight

        1. Allonymous Coward
          Pirate

          Re: HMS Forth

          Or perhaps some sort of PFI initiative where the RN will pay for offshore patrol missions as required. But the oligarch will own, manage and maintain the vessel and also provide training facilities and some personnel. They will also be able to earn extra revenue by using vessel for commercial operations when not required by the RN.

          1. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

            Re: HMS Forth

            "But the oligarch will own, manage and maintain the vessel and also provide training facilities and some personnel. "

            Available to the RN when not cruising off Sevastopol, no doubt.

            1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
              Trollface

              Re: HMS Forth

              > Available to the RN when not cruising off Sevastopol, no doubt.

              I do think Weyland-Yutani would berate the minister in charge fiercely if that ever happened.

      2. ZanzibarRastapopulous Silver badge

        Re: HMS Forth

        > Looks like someone repossessed an oligarch's yacht, stuck a cannon on it, painted it RN grey and extended the helipad to take a Merlin.

        That would have been cheaper.

    3. Vic

      Re: HMS Forth

      Looks very C-worthy

      Words fail me...

      Vic.

  3. SkippyBing Silver badge

    'Atlantic Patrol Task (North), which involves cruising round the Caribbean looking for drug smugglers and generally flying the flag in the Commonwealth states near that part of the world.'

    And the non-Commonwealth states, to be honest pretty much anywhere that'll serve a decent rum. Honestly it's a hellish deployment, wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy...

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Flame

      A mate on the Subs came back from a trip to Andros Island with some white rum that had a flame arrestor in the bottle - feckin' lethal stuff!!!

      I think most of the time he spent there was ashore organising piss-ups.

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Just Like the Bridge

    "HMS Forth, like the bridge"

    One hopes she will not develop a structural crack in a rather inaccessible place.

    1. MJI Silver badge

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      Been open since 1890

      So it should have a long life

    2. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      And hopefully won't be in port being continuously repainted.

      1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Just Like the Bridge

        And hopefully won't be in port being continuously repainted.

        Wife's dad used to be in charge of the British Rail viaducts, bridges and station platforms for the south-west (he was a stonemason by trade originally). She remembers being taken through the tubes over the top of the Tamar rail bridge one Sunday.

        That's another bridge that was (almost) permanently being painted. He used to get gyp from the workmen because he made them rub the rust back to metal rather than just painting over it - unsurprisingly the paintwork lasted a whole lot longer where that had been done.

        Sadly, I never got to meet him since he died in 1977 - at which point I was 12..

    3. MNGrrrl

      Re: Just Like the Bridge

      > One hopes she will not develop a structural crack in a rather inaccessible place.

      Yeah, about that... inaccessible won't be your problem, maintenance will be.

      -- A Minnesotan, home of the bridge that fell into the drink due to incompetence.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    i wonder...

    i wonder if they even bothered to research the modern usage of this archaic word?

    Go Forth and Multiply = "F...k off"

    will it be called HMS F...k by sailors?

    ROFLMAO

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: i wonder...

      I was thinking HMS Forth should have sister ships in the same class named HMS Go and HMS Multiply.

      Perfect for diplomatic visits to less favoured ports, obviously sailing in in the correct order.

    2. Number6

      Re: i wonder...

      I was thinking that clearly because she's the first of the class, there was scope for multiplication.

  6. biscuit
    Joke

    "The 90-metre craft was christened by Rachel Johnstone-Burt, who broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow origins.

    "She is due to enter service with the RN in 2018, and will spend the time between now and then on final fit-out and sea trials."

    Who's she? The boat or Rachel Johnston-Burt? Or both?

    1. macjules Silver badge

      Dear God, couldn't they have done better than that? The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning: Readings & Music: How To Plan And Organise The Funeral Your Loved Ones Would Most Appreciate ". Not very Senior Service appropriate methinks.

      1. SkippyBing Silver badge

        I suspect she's actually the daughter of https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony_Johnstone-Burt

        Who's a top bloke by all accounts although I have yet to meet him myself.

        Edit, tell a lie, it sounds like she's his wife.

        http://en.mercopress.com/2006/12/20/helicopter-veteran-of-the-falkland-s-war-becomes-scotland-s-new-admiral

      2. Voyna i Mor Silver badge

        The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning

        I can't help thinking Miranda Hart would have been more appropriate had she been available. Her father had a distinguished career in the RN, and given the humorous possibility of carriers without aircraft and submarines that don't go to sea very much, she might have been a more realistic choice.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: The author of "The Complete Book Of Funeral Planning

          Miranda Hart would have been more appropriate had she been available. Her father had a distinguished career in the RN, and given the humorous possibility of carriers without aircraft and submarines that don't go to sea very much, she might have been a more realistic choice.

          And could have livened up the ceremony with some suitably-timed pratfalls.

    2. Mark 65 Silver badge

      Given it was built by BAE I can only assume Ms Johnston-Burt is entering service in 2018.

      May God bless her and all who sail in her.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Break the hoose juice?

    "...broke the traditional bottle of alcohol across Forth's bows – in this case, a bottle of whisky to reflect the ship's Scotstoun, Glasgow origins."

    Buckfast would have been more apt surely.

    1. Afernie

      Re: Break the hoose juice?

      "Buckfast would have been more apt surely."

      Nah, the Neds only drink the Buckie. It's made in a Abbey in Devon.

      1. Ochib

        Re: Break the hoose juice?

        A bottle, what a waste of good whisky. Should have only used a wee dram

  8. Baldrickk Silver badge

    30mm gun

    Seems a bit small for a naval ship. Though I guess it'll be effective against a RIB or dinghy.

    1. Pen-y-gors Silver badge

      Re: 30mm gun

      Given the Navy's track record of failing to have weapons for our ships, it's good that it will have a gun. But does the budget run to any bullets?

      1. Tom 7 Silver badge

        Re: 30mm gun

        "Bang! Two! Three" was good enough for Captain Mainwaring!

    2. DNTP Silver badge

      Re: 30mm gun

      Tune in next week to find out more amazing facts about the armed forces, such as:

      1. Not all Air Force aircraft carry missiles,

      2. The Army has vehicles that don't mount tank cannons,

      3. Your taxes pay some soldiers to not carry rifles while conducting their duties.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: 30mm gun

        "Your taxes pay some soldiers to not carry rifles while conducting their duties."

        Many moons ago, a mate who was in the RAF based at St Athan was involved in an excercise to "defend" the base against an attack. Unfortunately, they didn't have enough weapons to go around. Those without were told to just say "bang! bang! you're dead!" if they encountered an "attacker"...

        1. agurney

          Re: 30mm gun

          "bang! bang! you're dead!" if they encountered an "attacker"...

          .. rumble! rumble! I'm a tank

        2. macjules Silver badge

          Re: 30mm gun

          Many moons ago I was a professional cloud sniper. We would quit happily spin up Bllndfire and shout 'that's a hit!' while our pristine unfired Rapier missiles sat on the rails never to be launched, until a few years later when they all got fired off in the South Atlantic .. well those that didn't get blown up with Atlantic Conveyor.

    3. Tom Paine Silver badge

      Re: 30mm gun

      The bigger the ship, teh bigger a deathtrap it is if there's ever a proper war.

      http://exiledonline.com/the-war-nerd-this-is-how-the-carriers-will-die/all/1/

  9. Drat

    How about..

    .. taking a leaf from Ian M Banks and calling our warships something a bit more meaningful. Seeing as it comes from Glasgow how about "HMS Shut your geggie"?

    1. BenR

      Re: How about..

      HMS See you...

    2. phuzz Silver badge
      Coat

      Re: How about..

      HMS Get Tae ...

      HMS Can ye mother sew?

      1. Triggerfish

        Re: How about..

        There is two already in the culture books apprently; ROU Heavy Messing (Excession) & GCU Pure Big Mad Boat Man (Matter).

        Although "HMS Stitch That" might do.

        1. John Smith 19 Gold badge
          Happy

          "GCU Pure Big Mad Boat Man"

          Or as I like to think of them, the Crew.

    3. Pedigree-Pete Bronze badge
      WTF?

      Re: How about..

      RE: Seeing as it comes from Glasgow how about why wasn't it HMS Clyde or better, built in Rosyth? PP

    4. Dave the Cat

      Re: How about..

      "HMS Yer Talk Shite Hen"

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Devil

    What..

    Not "Shooty McBoatFace" part of the McBoatFace family

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Re: What..

      It'll happily be joined by HMS Cobol and HMS Algol soon.

    2. swampdog

      Re: What..

      Whisky McWhiskFace!

  11. John Smith 19 Gold badge
    Coat

    OMFG

    You mean BAe Systems has actually delivered a naval vessel on time?

    I'm feeling a bit light headed and will have to lay down for a while.

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