back to article Huge if true: iPhone 8 will feature 3D selfies, rodent defibrillator

With the exciting news that Apple is going to hold a conference in June where it will announce new products – only the 15th time it has done so since 2003 – we felt it was time to write down some wild speculation because, like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do. Of course the big news is that June …

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Trollface

Well...

Being able to deliver electric shocks to someone who stole your earbuds would be a nice feature !

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Re: Well...

Hahahaha. Is a soo salty.

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You omitted to say how many people are already standing in line for this phone, or where we can go to join them.

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Those of us who are really dedicated Apple people (and therefore better than you) stayed in the queue from the iPhone 7 release.

A long wait, but will totally be worth it. The iPhone 8 will be 1mm smaller on one of the dimensions!!

Gamechanger!!

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Come along commentards, pay your way!

we felt it was time to write down some wild speculation because, like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do.

It was my pleasure to click on the clickbait. If that pays your salary I am pleased, in fact we're all happy.

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Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

Honesty in the technology sector news, what is this world coming to.

Although you neglected to mention that despite featuring wireless recharging, the phone still needs to be plugged into the iCharger for so that you have to buy a $99 charger for each phone security authentication purposes. Oh and the wall cable on the iCharger starts to fray and split after 12 months.

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Devil

Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

Biting the hand that feeds IT since 1994!

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Unhappy

Re: Come along commentards, pay your way!

I dont like apple, to expensive, and just wanted to see if it was really true about the defibulator for the rodent, although I did suspect that it might be slightly erroneous.

My mate is apple obsessed and I was looking forward to taking the piss out of him and calling him Hammy the Hamster or something equally childish.

Damn, damn, damn your click "like lemmings, you will click on it and we make money when you do." scam.

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Anonymous Coward

One too many facts!

Oh, that was fun. And we all had a good laugh. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do... except perhaps my wife, and some of her friends... oh yes and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it most people like a good laugh more than I do. But that's besides the point.

"IPHONE X"

IRL the internal name of every new iPhone is iPx, for iPhone X which is whatever the next series number is. FYI.

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Re: One too many facts!

But this is iPhone X with added +, which makes it more of a reason to trade in your newish £700 iPhone 7 for £150 to Apple and pay another £700 for iPhone X+. The fact that it is also a veterinary help to small furry rodents and Donald Trump's hairpiece is an added bonus. I would be claiming my place in the AppleStore queue in Regent Street right now, were it not for the fact that I sold off my iPhone 6s after years of being duped by Apple's "buy a minor update" and bought a OnePlus3T instead.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: One too many facts!

You could have said No and not bought the upgraded phone and kept the old one for another few years.

YOU made a decision to spend that money.

I made a decision to use Apple phones.

I also made a decision to never buy new ones. I get secondhand ones from Pawn shops.

It wasn't that hard a choice you know.

When the next OnePlust comes out will you be first in line for it? I'm sure we'd like to know so that a space can be reserved for you in the queue that will probable run the lenght of Marylebone High St.

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Joke

I'm still waiting

Apparently the iPhone 5 was supposed to come with the holographic keyboard and the holographic displays, but mine still doesn't work and I've been the genius bar several times about this critical defect.

Its in the official advertising video here.

If they don't get their act together then my next stop is trading standards.

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Re: I'm still waiting

Did you also report that Wave doesn't charge you phone when you put it in a microwave?

But seriously, some people might think you are serious here :D That video you mention was making the rounds as fact in some place in Asia those days. Top management in the one company showed it to me asking my opinion while I traveled on a roadshow, and were very disappointed when I told them it is probably fake.

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Re: I'm still waiting

"holographic keyboard and the holographic displays,"

Yes, I KNOW I'm responding to a joke post, but....the projected virtual keyboard has been around for at least 20 years, although that video does show what Apple are good at. Taking something and improving the UI. And why are all conceptual holographic displays always semi transparent? Who would want to to be watching video or reading information on a "screen" you can see through? That's gonna cause some eye strain issues with the all the (re-)focusing problems.

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Might as well

Get rid of that stupid old phone feature. Come on, that's 1849 technology that should be left to the cheap Androids. Do you really want to talk to your boss? Your Mom? Use the laser face scanner to send an emoji and be done with it.

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You don't have a headphone socket anyway

Why not remove all sound features from it. Sound is just so sold fashioned. And while you are at it, remove the display, those only crack and limit your runtime anyway. After a couple of itterations you could have the ideal smartphone, an extremely stylish piece made completely from something as bendy as rubber, but as smooth as acryl or glass, but with no electronics inside... well perhaps you could have some on chip oscillators so you can claim that it's an octacore running at x GHz.

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Re: You don't have a headphone socket anyway

they make half the thing out of acrylic glue anyway, not much of a step up really...

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Devil

Power button

You neglected to mention Li Chi Nyut's leak that in addition to eliminating the home button, Apple will eliminate the power button. An enhanced Siri will determine when the iPhone should be used and turn it on for you.

Also, it is rumored that the defibrillator function will also be able to deliver small shocks to your ears if it detects that you're holding the phone wrong.

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Devil

Re: Power button

deliver small shocks to your ears if it detects that you're holding the phone wrong.

Or perhaps if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes.

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Re: Power button

> Apple will eliminate the power button.

Of course they will, as there's no point in having a power button when you've eliminated the batteries. DUH! Oh, and it's not "wireless charging", it's "wireless power". Thanks Nikola!

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Mushroom

"...if it detects that the music you're listening to wasn't bought through ITunes."

No, that's what the Remotely Controlled Detonation feature is for.

And Samsung can't claim prior art on this one; when their phones detonate it isn't remotely controlled.

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WTF?

Click Bait.

More bloody click bait, and we all fell for it.

C'mon el Reg - what we all REALLY want to know is are you getting an invite to the launch this time??

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Coat

Re: Click Bait.

C'mon el Reg - what we all REALLY want to know is are you getting an invite to the launch this time??

They could employ #1 Apple Fan and National Treasure Stephen Fry to report on the event. On second thoughts, perhaps not.

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Re: Click Bait.

I guess that the staff from the Reg and the Graun can find a pub in London and have a pint whilst they stream the footage of the launch.

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Re: Click Bait.

Any media outlook that uses the term thickness to describe the depth of an iPhone is unlikely to get much Cupertino love.

The approved term is "thinness", as in 6.9mm thin.

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Re: Click Bait.

The approved term is "thinness"

So, what is the official El Reg term for the opposite of embiggened? Disembiggened?

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Coat

Thinness..

It's true. And a grass-roots campaign is being simultaneously waged to abolish the term "obesity." Henceforth larger people will simply have a negative thinness quotient.

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Re: Click Bait.

Detumescent?

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Go

[...] or is that the IPHONE X!!!!!!! [...]

A reliable source claimed that it will be called the iPhoeniX - rising from the ashes.

[...] and Apple-approved music device and [...]

your Apple-approved music

FTFY

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Devil

your Apple-approved music

Your?

It's a bunch of entries in a playlist you're allowed to access and even modify, and on selecting such an entry Apple will deign to stream it from their servers to your AASR*, at least, if you have paid your iTunes fees.

* Apple-approved stream receiver

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iPhoeniX

Isn't that Samsung's new 'phone?

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Happy

an incredible 6.9mm –

FAKE NEWS!! It's going to be 6.897mm

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If anything could convince me to buy an IPhone it would be a rodent defibrillator. As someone who keeps many rodents, many from backgrounds of neglect, I would personally love to see a rodent defibrillator.

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defibrillator..

In an Enterprise environment, the defib feature can be used to automatically keep people from falling asleep in late afternoon meetings.

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Now listen carefully Bond...

New iPhone X, push the earbuds into the sports nutrition bar thus to make a demolition charge.

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Gimp

The Unbelievable Truth

I feel like I've stumbled into an episode of the Radio 4 panel game where contestants have to spot the five truths hidden among the lies. All that's missing is Henning Wehn claiming that 'der iPhone vas invented by Jesus', whereupon Stephen Fry buzzes and David Mitchell says sarcastically, 'So you think the iPhone was invented by Jesus ... well you're absolutely right.'

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Re: The Unbelievable Truth

I love that programme, especially when Herr Wehn is on it. I think he's got to hold the record for the boldest unspotted truth, starting a spiel on the Ancient Greeks by starting "The Ancient Greeks were mostly idiots ..."

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Re: The Unbelievable Truth

My favourite from the Unbelievable Truth went alongthe lines of:

"The word 'Shark' was coined by seaman Mark Cooper, when he fell into the ocean and attempted to use three different swear words simultaneously..."

It sounds so plausible!

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Re: The Unbelievable Truth

I feel like I've stumbled into an episode of the Radio 4 panel game where contestants have to spot the five truths hidden among the lies.

US journalists must currently feel likewise.

Except that s/five/any/, and there are no prizes anyway.

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Windows

Re: The Unbelievable Truth

US journalists must currently feel likewise.

US "journalists" are the problem as they make up bullshit faster than a cattle truck laden with bovines that have coli bacterium gut problems. I necessary, it is declared "leaked" as opposed to "stitched together from whole cloth while recovering from last night's ethanol overload paid for by some Washington Insider".

The last shooting war they got us into wasn't fun and is still ongoing, the next one will be the last.

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whats wrong with bluetooth 4 and quick access to 1000s of devices rather then 3 devices with an iphone 8, before 3d selfies, they should make the camera better, and as good as the xperia z3 atleast with a simple point and click https://s24.postimg.org/7h0xkxwwl/DSC_0005.jpg, selfies are all the iphone camera can take

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???

(I had just wanted to post '???', but The post is required, and must contain letters.. Never mind, it's just zmodem being moronic again. )

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why, iphones are shit, you can look around the internet for photography samples, they all suck and simple, so they can only do selfies

who are sad enough to actually own alot of apple products, they all suck and don't do nothing much

you can root a xperia and happlly have a full linux, unlike samsung where nothing on google play works even when you phone is'nt rooted

iphones and galaxy's are for the cool, proving they both suck and people will buy it just to be cool, all fashion products are rubbish and never do nothing much

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it's just zmodem being moronic again.

Fall back to using xmodem? You *expect* it to be moronic..

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Anonymous Coward

Whatever it is...

...and however much it costs...

I will buy it. And I will feel special.

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I'm calling it

FAKE NEWS!

You'd need way more than 45V to reanimate a lowland paca.

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Re: I'm calling it

You'd need way more than 45V to reanimate a lowland paca.

But, a sustained 45V might cook one nicely in short order.

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Coat

Re: I'm calling it

"What is the reanimation threshold voltage of a lowland paca?" "African or European?" Aaaaaaaaaaagh...

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Happy

Excellent article if clickbait.

Keep it up, Apple will most probably add undocumented system calls to block any The Register websites :)

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Anonymous Coward

As an Apple User...

...I have to congratulate El Reg for slagging Apple and actually managing to be very funny in the process. For once.

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