back to article My headset is reading my mind and talking behind my back

It only takes a minute to capture a 3D model of my orifices. They tell me it’s the only way I can be sure of a tight fit. Perhaps I could order a hologram of my 3D orifices that I can hang on my living room wall. It would make a nice conversation piece for visitors to admire. "Isn’t it creepy how my orifices seem to follow …

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  1. Dr_N Silver badge

    Fat-Burning Hats

    You are onto a winner.

    I smell a Kickstarter ....

    1. Ben Bonsall

      Re: Fat-Burning Hats

      Shouldn't be too hard- you burn a lot of energy regulating your temperature, and the head is one of the places that looses most heat, so shave the head, mount a refrigeration unit in the hat, and Bingo, weight loss.

      Also, a big heavy hat will mean you burn more energy carrying it around and strengthen core muscles trying to stay upright with a fridge on the head.

      The deluxe model can have a couple of slots to insert beers, for relaxing after a heavy hat wearing session.

      You could even recover some energy with a peliter effect layer between the scalp and the refrigeration unit, and potentially combine it with one of those neoprene belts, redirecting the extracted heat into the belly where it can raise the core temperature, requiring more heat loss through the head.

      Perpetual motion, until you run out of fat. Or collapse under the weight. Whichever.

      1. Peter2 Silver badge

        Re: Fat-Burning Hats

        "Shouldn't be too hard- you burn a lot of energy regulating your temperature, and the head is one of the places that looses most heat"

        When I did my D of E some years (!) ago some smartass made a comment about the amount of heat lost through the head, and the (ex miltary) instructor testily pointed out that this particular nugget of wisdom comes from arctic enviroment studies where the outside tempreture is in negative numbers and the person is wearing an inch thick insulation everywhere else on the body other than the head.

        He suggested that this might not be quite so correct in the UK.

        1. Ben Bonsall

          Re: Fat-Burning Hats

          Then it's probably best that the hat comes with a big furry jacket to optimize performance... (optional extra, POA.)

        2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Happy

          Re: Fat-Burning Hats

          this particular nugget of wisdom comes from arctic enviroment studies where the outside tempreture is in negative numbers and the person is wearing an inch thick insulation everywhere else on the body other than the head.

          He suggested that this might not be quite so correct in the UK.

          Well... Except Skegness...

          1. IsJustabloke Silver badge
            Happy

            Re: Fat-Burning Hats

            "Well... Except Skegness..."

            Since noone has ever admitted to visiting "Skeg Vegas" I believe the place to be a myth but your point is probably well made.

            1. John Crisp

              Re: Fat-Burning Hats

              "Since noone has ever admitted to visiting "Skeg Vegas" I believe the place to be a myth but your point is probably well made."

              No, no.... it really exists. But you need a DeLorean and a dead actor pretending to be a mad scientist to help you get there.

              And believe me, it isn't worth the effort :-)

              Me, I'm just a lawnmower. You can tell it from the way I walk.....

              1. David 132 Silver badge

                Re: Fat-Burning Hats

                But you need a DeLorean and a dead actor pretending to be a mad scientist

                Christopher Lloyd is still very much alive, at least according to IMDB.

                Or has some subtlety of your comment gone "whoosh!" over my head?

                1. Anonymous Coward
                  Anonymous Coward

                  Fat-Burning Shoes

                  They are magic and all someone has to do is put them on and walk a measly 2 iteru every morning and the fat just burns right off. No change in diet or other exercise required.

      2. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

        Re: Fat-Burning Hats

        > head is one of the places that looses most heat

        Err - no. It's an Urbane Miff (I have one of those at home - when she is annoyed with me she's still polite..).

        1. hplasm Silver badge
          Happy

          Re: Fat-Burning Hats

          "Well... Except Skegness..."

          But...its so bracing!

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Fat-Burning Hats

            But...its so bracing!

            Wow. Seems you're as old as me, and have been subject to the same malign influences of postery, and potentially train-spottery.

            If we did that to our kids we'd be locked up.

      3. Solmyr ibn Wali Barad

        Re: Fat-Burning Hats

        "you burn a lot of energy regulating your temperature"

        Blimey. Cold beer is a diet product. Cheers to that!

    2. earl grey Silver badge
      Facepalm

      Re: Fat-Burning Hats

      I smell a Kickstarter ....

      Well, i smell something and i think it's on the sole of my shoe.

  2. Chronos Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Wear-a-bubble

    Dabbsy, you cynical bastard. That could have been me saying all that, although not nearly so eloquently.

    I must confess to having purchased a sleep mask with very thin speakers in it to listen to binaural recordings while sleeping. This is the very first set of "cans" that don't make my lugholes either sweat or ache after ten minutes. These are connected to a bluetooth dongly thing which is fed audio from a 'droid tablet getting its files and playlists from my DLNA server. All very modern, new-age and plug'n'pray, except it's not as getting it to this stage was an experiment in self-inflicted alopecia and you can't use them as normal cans because you can't see. They also make you look a bit of a prat but, at night time when the general public don't have to put up with you, that's fine.

    That's it for wearables for me. If I ever feel the need to record a 5 mile whatever it was euphemism you invented I'll be past the point of self-respect anyway...

    1. Bob Rocket

      Re: Wear-a-Hypno-bubble

      You are aware that those sleep cans detect when you are asleep and most suggestible, they play quiet suggestions to you such as

      'you may like these products based on your purchase history - Sleep Cans .....'

      1. Chronos Silver badge

        Re: Wear-a-Hypno-bubble

        That's a bit too recursive for me, although it may explain why I keep getting a nagging urge for a circular scabby rat in a bun, AKA Burgerdonalds. One that I resist, of course. I'm wide enough.

  3. Denarius Silver badge
    Flame

    sunnies after dark ?

    becoming regrettably necessary now every ponce in a Toorak Tractor/Chelsea Combine has 5KW xenon plasma night light arc welder for head lights setting fire to trees 500 yards away. Not being night blind like most other drivers being blinded by fools with dimmed lights is bad enough, but some of the drunks driving these aftermarket equipped dangers are so visually incompetent they don't dip their lights either, then get annoyed and try ramming speed if headlights flashed at them. Safer to wear yellow filters.

    1. Alister Silver badge

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      For me, in a rural area, it's not so much oncoming cars / suvs which are the problem, it's the oncoming nitwit cyclists using strobing white front lamps after dark which just remove all possibility of seeing anything other than their light, and a glowing after image where my retinas have begun to char.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      sunnies after dark becoming regrettably necessary now every ponce in a Toorak Tractor/Chelsea Combine has 5KW xenon plasma night light arc welder for head lights setting fire to trees 500 yards away.

      OK, so you're advocating that you ought to screw up your night vision for the entire journey in case some idiot with misaligned lights comes your way? Having a pair of light sunglasses handy may be a better plan.

      About the only vision-augmenting tool you should wear at night is clear glasses with anti-reflection coating, and make sure you keep them clean (I find ordinary soap and water + drying cloth to work better and safer than the tissue things they sell). If you already need glasses anyway, AR coating is good to have anyway for a whole lot of reasons.

      The yellow tint thing does work, by the way, but only by daylight. Yellow tint + polarisation is, for instance, very effective at giving you more visibility in rain (especially if you're in the habit of keeping the inside of your windshield clean). Add to that a good quality rain repellent nano-coating of the windshield and you'll have to remind yourself at occasions that (a) others don't quite see so well at that time and (b) that being able to see well doesn't mean the physics of limited wet road adhesion have changed too..

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Happy

        Re: sunnies after dark ?

        Surely the solution to the nighttime oncoming beams of Hades - or BMW Laser Lights [TM], as I believe they're better known - is obvious.

        Just get yourself a pair of Joo Janta peril sensitive sunglasses. You too can look as cool as President Zaphod Beeblebrox - and will also be spared the retina-burning sight of your impending death by Beemer.

        1. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

          Re: sunnies after dark ?

          > Just get yourself a pair of Joo Janta peril sensitive sunglasses.

          Personally, I'd rather have a decent laser that I can use to burn out the oncoming Lights Of Doom(tm). And write something suitably scathing on the paintwork of the oncoming car too.

          Combined with a focussed-EMP device to blow up the sound system of the car that drives round near my house with some dance crap at 5KW.

          Why yes, I am old and crabby. Why do you ask?

          1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

            Re: sunnies after dark ?

            Combined with a focussed-EMP device to blow up the sound system of the car that drives round near my house with some dance crap at 5KW.

            May you receive a thousand upvotes..

            1. This post has been deleted by its author

          2. short

            Re: sunnies after dark ? - Reflective sun visors

            I have an absurd amount of 3M's finest retroreflective fabric and a penchant for low cars.

            This winter, I shall be covering my sun visors in the stuff and flipping them down when attacked by lights-o-death. A quick trial last year showed they were very effective, and if it wakes up just a few of these oblivious wankers, I'm happy.

            Whether or not I trim the fabric into rude words remains to be seen.

          3. David 132 Silver badge

            Re: sunnies after dark ?

            Combined with a focussed-EMP device to blow up the sound system of the car that drives round near my house with some dance crap at 5KW.

            I refer the Hon. Gentleman to the obligatory XKCD, with a cleverer solution to this problem.

      2. grumpyoldeyore
        Unhappy

        Re: sunnies after dark ? @AC

        My commute takes me over the undulating road round Windsor Great Park. Correctly aligned or not a Range Rover/ BMWX5/Whatever (and there are loads round there) on a crest coming the other way is straight into the eyballs. The worst aligned headlights, conversly, appear to be on MINIs (Kraut Krap ones, not Austin/Morris/BMC/BL ) which can blind even when they are coming down the opposing down slope.

      3. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

        Re: sunnies after dark ?

        "AR coating is good to have anyway for a whole lot of reasons."

        The only AR coated pair I had a soft focus effect. On close examination the coating was finely granulated. I've gone back to uncoated.

    3. quxinot

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      Plus a thousand. While headlights are a great solution for the answer of "seeing where you're going while driving at night", it seems that a depressing number of people do not understand that aiming them directly into the eyes of oncoming traffic may prove less safe than driving with them off.

      Short of wearing sunglasses at night, I've not come up with a solution for this. Well, not a socially acceptable one that doesn't involve taking a crowbar to the headlights of other people's cars, or in extreme cases to the drivers.

      I did find that window tint is helpful on one's rearview (side or wing) mirrors. Just remember to go about half as dark as you'd think necessary, being a mirror the light goes through the film twice, of course.

      1. an it guy

        Re: sunnies after dark ?

        okay, cyclist here who's used yellow tinted sunglasses after dark. I know the physics mean less light, but having used them, they're seriously effective in the (almost) dark of cities, and very good when it comes to arc welders headlights, and being able to see. everything appears clearer even though the total energy of photons is less

        might look a bit odd, but they do work

      2. Missing Semicolon Silver badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: sunnies after dark ?

        @quxinot. I used to have a Chrysler Grand Voyager Limited. The other feature aside from the ludicrous 3 litre V6 petrol engine that drank fuel at USA'an rates, was a rear-view mirror with a photo sensor that automagically dimmed an LCD layer over the mirror when lights behind me were too bright.

        Only noticed it when I swapped the car for a lesser-specified diesel one.

        Sigh.

        1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

          Re: sunnies after dark ?

          "a rear-view mirror with a photo sensor that automagically dimmed an LCD layer over the mirror when lights behind me were too bright."

          I have one. It only works so-so. I'd rather have a dipping lever as on all the other car's I've had.

    4. CrazyOldCatMan Silver badge

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      I wish I could upvote you more than once..

    5. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      You just gave me a flashback to my mid-teen years.

    6. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      Re: sunnies after dark ?

      I'm in favour of covering the front and rear windows surrounds with corner-cube reflectors so that the offenders get a little of their own back.

  4. magickmark
    Boffin

    Sunglasses After Dark

    "To this day, I fail to comprehend how anyone could be convinced that wearing sunglasses after dark helps you see better. All it does is make you look cool, as already famously demonstrated by the Blues Brothers a decade earlier."

    Actually, Dabbsy, the problem was recorded a few decades earlier in 1958 as evidenced on YouTube here:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S07rl68DMD8

    Enjoy!!

    1. Fred Flintstone Gold badge

      Re: Sunglasses After Dark

      I like it :).

      I reckon people that wear sunglasses after dark must be easy to identify, by the bruising..

      1. magickmark

        Re: Sunglasses After Dark

        Ahh but they really look sharp!

    2. David 132 Silver badge

      Re: Sunglasses After Dark

      Somewhat related: I remember seeing a documentary about Roy Orbison a few years ago, in which he admitted that the reason he always wore sunglasses on stage was that in 1964(?) when supporting the Beatles on a tour in the UK, he realised he'd left his regular glasses on the plane, and the only prescription glasses he had were the tinted ones.

      Judging by the talking heads they interviewed for the documentary, it seems I wasn't the only one who'd always assumed he had weak eyes or some similar affliction!

    3. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Sunglasses After Dark

      It does work when you are 106 miles from Chicago.

  5. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    It's not 3D

    But my dad has a picture of his orifice that he shows proudly to his visitors.

    It's hanged in his home office

    1. Alister Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: It's not 3D

      It's hanged in his home office

      Hung.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It's not 3D

        It's hanged in his home office

        Hung.

        Depends on your relationship with the specific orifice..

        :)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It's not 3D

        Hung?

        Depends which orifice and how large the picture is.

  6. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Besides, wearables are harmless, right?

    I think the term "mostly harmless" should be used

    Doffs hat (Panama today, it is sunny!!) to the late, great Douglas Adams

    1. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Besides, wearables are harmless, right?

      As long as everything is made perfectly safe...

  7. imanidiot Silver badge

    Yellow sunglasses after dark

    Having quite sensitive eyes that don't deal well with bright incoming light driving with yellow specs on after night makes things much more relaxed for me. Without glasses I get tired/strained eyes after about an hour of driving. With yellow sunglasses I see better and don't get the stabbing pain in my eyeballs.

    1. Baudwalk

      Re: Yellow sunglasses after dark

      >>>With yellow sunglasses I see better and don't get the stabbing pain in my eyeballs.<<<

      Particularly when driving a convertible through a bug-swarm.

  8. Mark Dempster

    Yellow 'sunglasses'

    Yellow lenses actually do work, as our eyes perceive greater levels of contrast. They're often used by people shooting in poor light. It's also why we have yellow streetlights (and other countries have yellow headlights).

    Not sure that they can be classed as sunglasses, though.

    1. Anonymous South African Coward Silver badge

      Re: Yellow 'sunglasses'

      Eh? I must see if I can get a clip-on for my glasses - old age and night driving doesn't mix at all.

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