back to article Church organist nabbed for playing glory hole in excelsis

A church organist is due before the beak next month after he allegedly thrust his pink pipe through a glory hole in excelsis and “waited” for someone to make sweet music. 74-year-old Jerry Michael Childress is alleged to have entered the bog in a Brooksville, Florida-based park and, er, pulled out all the stops, a report by …

  1. hplasm Silver badge
    Happy

    Need I say anything...?

    "...my love of playing organ music and giving my gift back to God"

    Ohhh God!!

    fnarr!!

    1. LaeMing
      Go

      Re: Need I say anything...?

      He used the wrong hole. God was in the cubicle on the other side.

  2. Yugguy

    Organist

    Hehehehehehehehe.

  3. m0rt Silver badge

    All I did was wait for the obvious joke. Didn't spot it. Then read it again...

    I can only assume you delibrately didn't use it to get to cause people t....

  4. Pascal Monett Silver badge

    Dear. God.

    I can't imagine the number of Hail Mary's this guy is going to have to go through.

    Not to mention being the leper of the congregation for the rest of his life.

    Such a sad way to ruin one's reputation in exchange for what, a one-minute thrill ?

    He certainly won't be playing any organ in public any more.

    1. Brewster's Angle Grinder Silver badge

      Re: Dear. God.

      "Such a sad way to ruin one's reputation in exchange for what, a one-minute thrill ?"

      A one minute trill? Impressive.

      But it produced a bad turn because nobody wanted to see schleifer. And now the whole experience has left him feeling mordent.

    2. This post has been deleted by its author

    3. User McUser

      Re: Dear. God.

      I can't imagine the number of Hail Mary's this guy is going to have to go through.

      Um, zero? He's Presbyterian, not Catholic.

    4. TitterYeNot
      Coat

      Re: Dear. God.

      "He certainly won't be playing any organ in public any more."

      But I hear he has been entertaining the congregation in his local prison chapel with his organ playing, performing the following episcopal delights:-

      'Fantasy in a minor'

      'Cock of Ages'

      'Thine Be The Glory Hole'

      'Pre-lube in C Major'

      'O Lamm Gott Un Schlong'

      'Kyrie Elation'

      'Handel's Hornypipe'

      'Cum Holy Spirit'

      And for the grand finale, Heber's famous masterpeice, 'Holey, Holey, Holey'...

      1. Mark 85 Silver badge
        Coffee/keyboard

        Re: Dear. God.

        You sir, owe me a keyboard. But have one upvote only because I can't give you more.

      2. Pedigree-Pete Bronze badge
        Thumb Up

        Re: Dear. God.

        Upvote, failed at trying not to titter as instructed. PP

  5. Lotaresco Silver badge

    It sounds as if the stop he pulled out was...

    ... piccolo, although he was probably hoping for a trombone (NSFW).

    1. Jedit
      Coat

      "piccolo, although he was probably hoping for a trombone"

      Hey - you can't say there was anything wrong with this gentleman's organ. It just obviously wasn't made for playing in a cathedral.

      (Mine's the one that thankfully doesn't have a hole in the pocket...)

  6. AIBailey

    Ahem...

    Faith Evangelical Presbyterian Church used to have a massive organ, sadly the bellows were badly worn. I can always remember as a child watching Jerry Childress furiously playing with his badly leaking organ in front of the whole congregation.

    1. John G Imrie Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: Ahem...

      You are Samantha and I claim my £5

      1. Small Furry Animal

        Re: Ahem...

        @John G Imrie

        +1 for the IASIHGAC reference

        Best wishes to Sven

        1. Scott 53

          Re: Ahem...

          -100 for the IASIHGAC reference.

          ISIHAC FTW

  7. MJI Silver badge
    Megaphone

    Remember readers

    Always take a mallet into strange toilets with strange holes in the partitions.

    1. kmac499

      Re: Remember readers

      Wot; and play Wack-a-Pole ???

    2. Vic

      Re: Remember readers

      Always take a mallet into strange toilets with strange holes in the partitions

      It would be a shame if someone[1] were to be carrying a small bottle of chili sauce, would it not?

      Vic.

      [1] I have been know to - but not on a regular basis...

  8. chivo243 Silver badge
    Coat

    Grandma's dirtiest joke

    Back in the 1970's there was a streaker at our church. He was finally caught by the organ.

  9. wolfetone Silver badge
    Coat

    Is Organist the right term?

    Not 6 inch pianist?

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

      1. wolfetone Silver badge

        Re: Is Organist the right term?

        I think in 2016 a pianist shouldn't be over looked because he's 6 inches instead of the usual 12.

      2. Mutton Jeff

        Re: Is Organist the right term?

        12 inches , don't use it as a rule?

        1. LaeMing
          Go

          Re: Is Organist the right term?

          Why isn't it 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: Is Organist the right term?

            Metric units are designed by feminists because they sound smaller

  10. Jon Massey
    IT Angle

    IT Angle?

    C'mon guys, you could have tried a bit harder to shoehorn one in

    1. disgustedoftunbridgewells Silver badge

      Re: IT Angle?

      It's on The Register, The Register is an IT related publication, therefore the article is IT related.

      Personally I wish they'd bin off the storage company stuff and expand Bootnotes.

    2. fidodogbreath Silver badge

      Re: IT Angle?

      The fellow thrust IT through the glory hole.

      FTFY

    3. Mike Shepherd
      Meh

      Re: IT Angle?

      Maybe the moral is to understand your market before making the sales pitch.

  11. Brian Miller Silver badge

    Right tool for the right job

    “shoved his penis through the divider wall and waited”.

    Vise-grips. Then no chasing required...

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Right tool for the right job

      Also carry a packet of honey from one of the fast food joints. After the clamping, squirt some honey on it to draw some flies and maybe ants. Then go outside, have a cup of coffee, maybe a cigarette or two and then call the cops.

      However, in the US atmosphere lately, one could probably be sued for using the vice grips... so maybe, clamp, honey, and leave....

      Icon... I'm feeling a bit evil today....

      1. Dadmin
        Coat

        Re: Right tool for the right job

        Just a suggestion to add to your kit; gloves.

  12. Lotaresco Silver badge

    And this...

    ... is why we always carry cable ties.

  13. Fink-Nottle

    > Officers searched for Childress but it was the road sweeper who later spotted the man

    Strange, Officer Panayiotou is usually so good at finding his man ...

  14. x 7 Silver badge

    Glory, Glory Holelleuia

    So he likes having his organ pipe played, what's the news? Its been a traditional right (and a traditional rite) in all parts of the Christian church for years. Remember - before the advent of electric bellows, organs had to be hand pumped, usually by the village children, who would get rewarded in kind at the end of the service by the organist or verger. Godliness is next to Beastliness.

  15. Mutton Jeff

    Perhaps it's organ grindr

    Just add monkey

    1. Dadmin

      Re: Perhaps it's organ grindr

      He's a monkey in the streets, and an organ grinder betwixt the sheets!

      Keep that out of my rectory!

      I'll be going now.

  16. Martin Maloney
    Trollface

    Am I the only old fart here?

    Q: What's better than roses on your piano?

    A: Tulips on your organ.

  17. Neoc
    Trollface

    Fortuitous?

    And at the bottom of the page, after the article:

    "Sponsored: 4 reasons to use all-flash storage to consolidate cloud applications" (my emphasis)

  18. Mr Dogshit Silver badge

    "pursued him in his cleaning vehicle"

    I'm visualizing him driving along in a road sweeper at three miles an hour with them brushes going along the kerb.

    1. fidodogbreath Silver badge

      Re: "pursued him in his cleaning vehicle"

      A new twist on the OJ low-speed chase...

  19. hi_robb

    Hmmm

    I hope he never tried to do here comes the bride!

  20. TRT Silver badge

    IT angle...

    something about fat pipes?

  21. Cynic_999 Silver badge

    What an idiot

    .. for admitting what he did. If he'd denied everything it would have been his word against the lorry driver's and never reached court.

    It also seem to me to be a rather risky pastime. The stranger in the next cubicle might well respond by impaling the phallic intruder with a large pin or similar of a length greater than the diameter of the hole, effectively trapping the hapless exhibitionist by his todger.

  22. Dan Paul

    He was....

    playing his organ for sure!

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