back to article My plan to heal this BROKEN, BREXITED BRITAIN

[The following memo was found in a pilates studio in Shoreditch earlier this month, and forwarded to us anonymously. It is sourced to "BV Strategic Relations”, a highly secretive firm apparently registered in Panama, which describes itself as a "bespoke crisis management consultancy to governments”. The authenticity of the memo …

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Missed a trick.

The second referendum will be run under the following rules:

1) The ballot will offer two choices: "Remain" and "Sorry I voted leave last time, but I now wish to remain.".

2) In the unlikely event of a write-in campaign to subvert the democratic process, a result of "Leave" will only be valid if it obtains a Mugabe majority (a minimum of 120% of the vote).

3) Polls will be held every Thursday until the right result is obtained.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Missed a trick.

Cameron should have just got in straight away and called for a "best of 3", failing that at least gone for "double or quits" - i.e. if leave won again we would also agree to enact article 986 and vacate the continental shelf as well.

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Re: Missed a trick.

vacate the continental shelf

I knew there had to be some way of getting our money's worth out of Trident.

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Pirate

Re: Missed a trick.

And then tow Britain outsideof its Territorial Waters* and run it as Pirate Britain!

* Possibly mooted by The Goodies?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Missed a trick.

The referendum should have been a Facebook event invitation, then everyone could vote to go, but not bother turning up.

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Re: vacate the continental shelf

All that's needed is a better Prius:

https://xkcd.com/687/

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BBC opportunity?

I had a thought, someone should go do a 6 series documentary on brexit whining with all the lovable characters – they could call it Game of Moans.

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Re: BBC opportunity?

As opposed to Game of Groans? (as seen on ITV last night)

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Re: BBC opportunity?

But making it a series means fun things like Boris Johnson being offed by means of a red hot spike up the bottom..

On the other hand, Theresa May with dragons...

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Anonymous Coward

Re: BBC opportunity?

If Theresa May were with dragons there'd then be scenes you wouldn't want to contemplate. Footy socks full of sand spring to mind.

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Trollface

Re: BBC opportunity?

@AC

"If Theresa May were with dragons there'd then be scenes you wouldn't want to contemplate. Footy socks full of sand spring to mind."

Sun readers dont care who runs the country as long as she's got big tits.

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Order and decency can only be restored by reversing the First Referendum vote

That would be the Scotland one, then.

Tick, tock...

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Re: Order and decency can only be restored by reversing the First Referendum vote

That would be the Scotland one, then.

Tick, tock...

The First Referendum was on 5 June 1975. Reverse the result of that and we've been out of the Common Market European Economic Community European Union for 41 years.

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This is the closest that a Bong column has ever come to sounding like a serious piece. I think this is a reflection of the state of the media rather than a change in direction His Bongness's writing style.

Which makes me more than just a little bit sad

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Flame

Hell, it's better written and more thought out than...

a) the PM's contingency plans (remember he did call a referendum and as it had two options, the leave one was a possibility)

b) any of the leave campaigns' plans (one web page instead of a 600-page document as the SNP came up with)

While HM's Loyal Opposition slowly disappears up its own fundament.

It's a modern-day emperor's new clothes with the entire British political class. Of course, it's unlikely that any of them will suffer for the damage they've done to the country.

Rant over, until the next one.

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Anonymous Coward

Yup, "serious" journalism reads more and more like a Bong column everyday.

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Of course, it's unlikely that any of them will suffer for the damage they've done to the country.

This is why I want Boris Johnson to be elected as Tory leader. I want the bastard in office, not slithering off to private life while still raking in five grand a week for one column in the Torygraph. I want him to have to face the shitstorm he's done so much to create, to demonstrate once and for all to everyone that he is utterly incapable of running the country, of keeping us afloat when he plunges us into a new depression before we've even clawed our way out of the last one.

When people lose their jobs, I want them to see him at the helm. When pensions have to be re-evaluated and contributions go up, I want people to know he's to blame. When essential services are cut, I want people to hear his bumbling excuses. When he admits that migration levels will barely change, I want the vile xenophobes and racists who are currently insulting people in the streets to know how they've been manipulated -- I want them to stop hassling people who aren't to blame and start flinging dog shit at Boris's front door in Islington. And I want Boris's failure in office to go down in history as his toxic legacy, so he will only ever be remembered as the incompetent idiot who put his own ambition above the good of the country.

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Upvoted for the passion!

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Boris won't care. He seems to be NPD ambitious and it would be enough for him to get his name immortalised on the historical list of UK England and Wales Prime Ministers.

He doesn't actually believe in leaving the EU, he has just taken this opportunity to have a shot at number 10. He doesn't care what damage he does and who gets hurt, as long as he gets there. He is not the harmless clown he portrays. Thwart him.

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> This is why I want Boris Johnson to be elected as Tory leader

At the risk on invoking Godwin's Law, I wonder if many Germans were thinking the same when they elected Hitler?

> he will only ever be remembered as the incompetent idiot who put his own ambition above the good of the country.

Or for something much, much worse.

We really should try and elect honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders, shouldn't we? Not simply hand power to self-serving morons in the hope that they might embarrass themselves.

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I think Boris being booted to the side would be enough humiliation for him. Then he can go back to obscurity and being a curiosity where he belongs.

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At the risk on invoking Godwin's Law, I wonder if many Germans were thinking the same when they elected Hitler?

In all fairness, Hitler hadn't created the mess Germany was in. He temporarily got the Germans out of it, but then got them into the biggest mess of the century. Their mistake was handing him more power than even traditional Prussian absolutism allowed a Chancellor.

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"We really should try and elect honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders, shouldn't we? Not simply hand power to self-serving morons in the hope that they might embarrass themselves." ???

No politician would ever get elected then especially since you included "Honest" in fact any one of the points you mentioned would exclude all Politicians !

Yeah I have great faith in our political system right after we have proportional representation voting system, but neither of the top two would ever want that - would they so no matter how much better it would be as it wouldn't be in their self-interest !

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@ Ralph B

"honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders"

I just laughed so hard I think a bit of wee came out.

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Facepalm

"We really should try and elect honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders, shouldn't we?"

And where in Toyland does one find such a creature?

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"Their mistake was handing him more power than even traditional Prussian absolutism allowed a Chancellor."

Not exactly. Hitler stole that power. His party didn't win a majority, but used thugs and mercenaries to prevent the opposition from turning up to the Reichstag to vote against his "Enabling Act" (the first step toward martial law).

Proof that you don't need popular support, or even a Parliamentary majority, to destroy a country. Just enough people who don't stand against you.

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Oh, it's far worse than that. No. 10 is nothing more than a step on the career ladder to these people these days, the ultimate aim being a cushty $$$$$-paying non-exec seat on several multinational boards, a speaking gig or two at a fancy uni, some well paid but meaningless UN synecure position and all the world travel, big dinners and pimms you could want, all aboard your private yatch.

Detest Thatcher as you should, there was always a sense she genuinely believed what she was doing was for the good of the country. The Camerons, Goves, Johnsons et al don't even seem to pretend any more. Sheer naked mercenaries.

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'"We really should try and elect honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders, shouldn't we?"

And where in Toyland does one find such a creature?'

Corbyn and John Major both score 3 out of 4.The public doesn't vote for honest and ethical politicians. Well maybe the public do but the party MPs don't.

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Anonymous Coward

'We really should try and elect honest, competent, morally and ethically principled political leaders, shouldn't we? Not simply hand power to self-serving morons in the hope that they might embarrass themselves.'

Care to name one or two, any party will do !!!???

The current 'Free for all', that the 2 main parties are engaging in, shows up all politicians as being somewhat suspect, as far as I can see.

At this point some dingbat Political group will hoover up the disaffected and surprise everyone.

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electing Boris

No one who desires power should ever be allowed to get it, and if they do, there should be very easy ways of taking the power from them (especially when they invariably turn bad). BJ has the feature of turning bad before he had the chance of doing good.

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WTF?

In all fairness, Hitler hadn't created the mess Germany was in.

Because it's important to be fair to Hitler?

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Trollface

@fidodogbreath: give credit where credit is due! After all, he's the guy that killed Hitler...

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Because it's important to be fair to Hitler?

It's important to be fair to everyone. That includes ourselves, by examining our own attitudes and opinions in the light of the available evidence.

Admittedly, I'm still having trouble doing this with regards to Boris. Especially as he's just announced that he won't be running for the party leadership, after all he's done and said. The cynic in me sees this as a move to give the fractionally-less toxic Gove an easier run against May. Yesterday's magically convenient 'misdelivered' email from Sarah Vine to her nearest and dearest reads like a smokescreen -- it's Gove who will be handing Boris a cushy Cabinet role. I bet classically-minded Boris is already imagining how he will thrice refuse the proffering of a senior position before humbly accepting, like a modern-day Caesar.

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I'd love Eric Cantona to become a senior EU commissioner*. After all, being a farmer from the Alsace region, look how he has manged to raise their plight recently. If he can do that for them then...

* Lets just forget the whole Seagull and fan-kicking incidents though eh?

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"Lets just forget the whole Seagull and fan-kicking incidents though eh?"

Surely he'd be better as our Minister for Defence?

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Parliamentary Sovereignty

Has anyone looked it up lately ? The referendum was consultative (is that even a word ?) only. UK parliament will decide. Quite possibly after general elections which may well be decided on this issue.

So nothing has happened yet, and probably nothing will ever happen. Or have we now come to a point where we are sure something will happen because a politician says so ?

Didn't think so.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

Well, I suppose a pertinent prior example might be Western Australia which, as far as I am aware, is still part of the Australian Federation.

However, the truly manipulative part of the referendum process was that it has always been about offering the British people something they can't have as a proxy for a different battle. The Tories Brexiteers simply want the ability to run a more right wing government while retaining the free market and freee movement of wage slaves - they have no intention of a "hard" exit. UKIP are simply the modern equivalent of Luddites: they may represent the disadvantaged and discontented but those people are not going to he helped by pretendiing it's possible to wind back time and bringing out Vera Lynn.

We're not going to leave in the way that voters wanted because we can't - or at least not with any semblance of a functioning country left. They might as well have voted against gravity. The amount of unpicking of years of EU legislation would take decades. At best, we'lll end up in something like the EEA as some token sop to delivering the "verdict of the British people" - that is we'll end up largely as we are now with less say in the running of the club and a seriously disgruntled and restive population. At worst - who knows?

The problem with Parliamentary Sovereignty is that (a) it got us into this position and (b) parliament is descending into a paralysis of chaos.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

Couldnt agree more. 12 months from now, this "World Changing" crisis will be forgotten about. Anyone remember The Greek Crises that was going to end the world within hours? Ultimately there is too much vested interest on both sides of the channel for a hard exit to happen. People will get round a table in Brussels and an Agreement will happen. Same old story.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

No, it wasn't politicians that said we would leave the EU. It was the people, and we spoke clearly.

Woe betide any prime minister that ignores the spoken will of the people. Even though I don't have the faintest idea how, I for one am prepared to take up arms against any government that abandons democracy in my country. I hope everyone else here would do the same, after all our current prime minister supports the people rebelling against dictatorial government (Libya, Syria).

And no, I couldn't care less if the spooks see this.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

Don't worry, I'm sure the spooks won't be worried about you quite just yet. After all, you haven't risen up against the lack of democracy in the selection of members of the Upper House nor against the democratic deficit in our choice of Head of State, so you probably won't rise up if one referendum is ignored.

Democracy means different things to different people. You might think that the recent referendum is binding in law, but it isn't (contrast that with the Scottish one). Your opinions don't make it so (and indeed neither do mine, although I don't think it should be ignored either). Sadly we've seen evidence that some ignorant and resentful people thought the referendum result meant that anyone not born in Britain (not to mention quite a few who were) would soon be kicked out of the country. Do you think their idea of what the referendum was about or what it enabled is correct?

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

I'll be with you.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

As a Brexit voter it seems that the country is in shit either way,

1.) if they don't do the will of the people by an EU exit then their will be riots/civil war here in UK, there are not enough police or army to control the people who will mass revolt against parliment because this was a free referendum to vote on !

2.) If they do an EU exit it will again be shit bit UK will recover depending on how the EU and whatever Government is in power handles the EU Divorce. It could be an amicable divorce or it could be a revenge divorce !

3.) We could have another referendum but before this a new law is enacted to fine anyone not voting, of lets say £1,000 to get as close to 100% of the population involved !

4.) If option 3 happens then if Brexit loses next time then we could make it the best out of three !!

So right now number 2 looks better option from a purely logical point of view, whether the remain camp like it or not if only because either ignoring said referendum or having either another referendum would make UK look like the laughing stock of the world which really would put us back in the dark ages and it would just look like the Politicians didn't get the result they wanted so will fiddle the next one to get it !!!!

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

Well Rich 11, that's because the House of Lords and the Queen don't actually have any real power, one is an advisory chamber and the other is a ceremonial role which, while having in theory significant power, in practicality she has very little.

I have no idea why you mentioned kicking people out of Britain, oh wait, yes you are trying to tar Brexiters with the brush of heresy. Whoops did I say heresy? I meant racism of course.

Of course, given that I am engaged to a leave-voting immigrant then I wouldn't be too keen on seeing her thrown out, and I would be quite surprised if she were, considering that I actually listened to the Leave people's argument which said, on many occasions, that people who came here legally and haven't broken the law are more than welcome to stay.

Now, to respond in kind, what are your opinions on the remain supporters who want old white people to die because they voted to leave?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

*Sigh*

I'll admit, I haven't seen the remain supporters doing that - but I have seen mention of "coffin dodgers" and talk of baby boomers screwing up their future. It's more of a disgruntled response and not directed at any one individual - but it's not particularly pleasant.

On the other hand, they haven't been shouting and laughing at people in the street or their place of work (I saw reports of a Polish waitress having a couple do this in a restaurant) and telling them "We voted leave - when are you going to?" - and this is regardless of where they're gone and what legal status they have here.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

"1.) if they don't do the will of the people by an EU exit then their will be riots/civil war here in UK, there are not enough police or army to control the people who will mass revolt against parliment because this was a free referendum to vote on !"

I don't think there's a big risk of that.

Most Brexiters rely on zimmerframes, mobility scooters and such to get around.

Or they have beer bellies the size of oil barrels slowing them down.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

"It was the people, and we spoke clearly."

Nowhere near clearly enough.

A constitutional change should, in my view, require a referendum (in fact there should have been one before we joined the Common Market and there should have been referenda in all the countries to validate each of the treaty changes since then). But the referendum should require a substantial majority in order to change the status quo. A change should reflect a consensus.

Accepting the smallest majority means that major, long term decisions are made at the whim of a small group of swing voters who might not vote the same way next year, or even next week when they realise the consequences of their vote. That's just plain daft.

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@ TheTick Re: democracy

The UK has doesn't have democracy, it has _representative_ democracy. You vote for a local MP, who represents their constituency in Parliament. While they're not on committees or ministerial appointments of course - then they're supposed to be looking out for the greater good for the whole nation. And of course once in Government they may find that it's not that easy to give the people what they want. But they've been elected to do a job that I would not want to do, so I accept that.*

So your MP may legitimately act against your wishes, and your only legitimate recourse is to vote for the other bunch of liars next time. It's not great, but it's better than most of the alternatives.

*(With the exception of every Home Secretary ever, once the Security Services have brainwashed them into increasing Security Services powers!)

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Boffin

Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

@TheTick - "No, it wasn't politicians that said we would leave the EU. It was the people, and we spoke clearly."

No we the people didn't. It wasn't *the people*, it was the *electorate* and not even half of that - 17m is a lot smaller than 64.1m (the rough population of the UK). The electorate is roughly 46.5m and well over half didn't insist on change, so parliament hasn't had a clear mandate from "the people". Furthermore, many people within the electorate were excluded (EU citizens can vote in local but not national elections, so they get taxation without representation)

As others have said, sane countries make sure that mandates to change are based on very clear results (like 2/3s majority) - 52% of 72% of 73% of the population (back-of-fag-packet maths) is not a clear statement from the people.

I'll concede that against the rules of the referendum the desicion was to Leave the EU and that has to be honoured to keep any shred of credibility for democracy. But what does "Leave the EU" actually mean? Are you sure that everyone who voted Leave had the same idea of what they were voting for? All that has happened is a desicion to commence a vague re-negotiation of our EU membership. We could have our position chnage from 'member' to 'associate' with no material change in

Consider that no one actually stated which bits of the EU we would leave and which we would keep, no promises were made, not apparently even on the side of buses. There is and never was any plan that was endorsed by the vote. Many want out of the single market but that's not what Boris is saying it means. There are likely many different views of Leave voters of what they wanted when they said leave. Some wanted out of the ECHR, which isn't even part of the EU; some want to divert the gross payment from the EU to the NHS, which isn't going to happen because it was never true. Some expect us to become another Norway, but to other Leave voters that will be betrayal.

I can't believe I'm agreeing with Jeremy *unt, but that is how fucked up things are. The right and democratic thing to do is now undertake Article 50 negotiations and then have another referendum on whether to enact the deal struck with the member states. I suspect many Leave voters won't like any deal because it wont go anywhere near far enough for what they thought 'Leave' meant, while others will be worried it gets rid of things they thought wouldn't be touched. This referendum result shouldn't be seen as a mandate for Boris to just negotiate any deal he wants and then enact it without a specific endorsement for that deal from the public.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

"No, it wasn't politicians that said we would leave the EU. It was the people, and we spoke clearly."

Did we now? That's 26 votes leave for every 24 votes stay. Let me just show you what that looks like:

LEAVE STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY LEAVE STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY LEAVE STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY LEAVE STAY STAY STAY STAY LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE STAY STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY LEAVE LEAVE STAY LEAVE.

(Actually, that's 23 votes stay for 26 votes leave, just to prove a point at how difficult it is to get a clear sense of which is which.) It's not clear, it's marginal. Held the week before or the week after, the result would be different, either much more for leave or a remain win. This is no way to decide a fundamental part of the UK's governance.

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Re: Parliamentary Sovereignty

"No, it wasn't politicians that said we would leave the EU. It was the people, and we spoke clearly."

Did you?

A. If the people, for well-argued reasons, think the UK should leave the EU (without knowing what the new situation will be) then they're entitled to vote for that.

B. If the people, for well-argued reasons, think the current government needs a good kicking then they're entitled to vote for that.

But if the people use A. to express B. then they abuse the democratic process. Like any other right, democracy/entitlement to vote comes with responsibilities.

"I for one am prepared to take up arms against any government that abandons democracy in my country."

Which form of democracy? At the moment the UK has a system of parliamentary democracy, where a referendum is normally only consultative. And should democracy be based on first past the post or proportional representation? Role of the House of Lords? Questions, questions ....

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