back to article Siemens Healthcare struck by rebranding madness

Those of delicate linguistic sensibilities are advised to look away as we report today that the Siemens tentacle previous known as Siemens Healthcare has gone under the surgeon's rebranding knife and emerged as the quite remarkable Siemens Healthineers. The Siemens Healthineers logo According to head honcho healthineer …

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  1. malle-herbert Silver badge
    Joke

    If only...

    The marketeers had consulted with some languageneers...

    Then the journaleers at El Reg wouldn't be complaining ?

    1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
      Headmaster

      Re: If only...

      Can we be referred to as commenteers from now on?

      Disney can get away with "imagineers", because their team is dealing with dwarves and anthropomorphized rabbits. I wouldn't suggest that for anyone whose profession deals with a bit more serious content,

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Trollface

        Re: If only...

        Me, a commenteer? No.

        Them "imaginatards". Them "healthintards".

      2. Christian Berger Silver badge

        I've worked at a Siemens subsidiary

        Honestly "imagineer" at Disney probably is more exciting than any "engineering" job at Siemens you can get. Essentially most jobs are about getting bugs out of outsourced code you could have written in a fraction of the time it takes to debug it.

        Siemens Healthcare actually used to be one of the areas where engineers actually had to solve hard problems. I mean you need to be able to do advanced mathematics to do a CT scan.

      3. israel_hands

        Re: If only...

        Disney can get away with "imagineers"

        Strongly disagree.

        Healthineers also sounds like it was devised by a 4-year old. Unless they are specialising in hearing problems and they meant Health In Ears.

        1. Richard Jones 1
          WTF?

          Re: If only... People wanted Heal Thinners

          Why would any one want heal thinners? Surely a it is a finite market?

          One mark deducted for bad spelling, it should have two 'n's and a space between heal and thinners.

      4. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        "Can we be referred to as commenteers from now on?"

        Comentineers, Shirley?

        What do you mean, that's not your name?

      5. Michael Habel Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        And here I thought 'Anthropomorphized Wabbits' was a Time Warner (Bros.) Thing. Perhaps you meant Ducks, (sans Daffy)?

        1. James O'Shea Silver badge

          Re: If only...

          "And here I thought 'Anthropomorphized Wabbits' was a Time Warner (Bros.) Thing. Perhaps you meant Ducks, (sans Daffy)?"

          I take it that you've been living somewhere far, far, far away from Young Adults and Tweens and have therefore not heard of Zootopia. And one Judie Hopps. https://itunes.apple.com/US/movie/id1084138493

          Now, if only this were true for me...

    2. Version 1.0 Silver badge

      Re: If only...

      The marketing folks are probably all on a cruise spending the big fat paycheque that they received for the rebranding.

      1. Stoneshop Silver badge

        Re: If only...

        The marketing folks are probably all on a cruise spending the big fat paycheque that they received for the rebranding.

        ITYM The marketingific folketeers are probabiliteristic all cruiseteering spendingification the big fat paychequeingie that they receivedeers for the rebrandingeers.

  2. Sir Sham Cad

    Excellent

    I can't wait for the first one of these to hit my inbox so I can share the giggles with the team.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Visioneering?

    Outcome led, brand-centric thought leadership, delivering onbrand messaging to client-focused imagineered deliverables.

    Good work guys.

    1. Blank-Reg
      Flame

      Re: Visioneering?

      They'll need these "healthineers" to repair their broken arms after they've finished slapping themselves on the back...

    2. allthecoolshortnamesweretaken Silver badge

      Re: Visioneering?

      You forgot "disruptive". And of course pointing out the win-win situations created by adding synergy by using a DevOps-inspired approach.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
        Devil

        Re: Visioneering?

        I wonder what would happen to the poor sods who went for surgery to a DevOperating theatre?

        Presumably the combined surgeon/tester, or "surjester" would administer the abomination operation, while the combined anaesthetist/whalesong DJ or "ether-jockey" kept the victim patient under.

      2. Robert Moore
        Joke

        Re: Visioneering?

        > You forgot "disruptive". And of course pointing out the win-win situations created by adding synergy by using a DevOps-inspired approach.

        Exactly how dirty do you feel right now?

    3. Someone Else Silver badge

      Re: Visioneering?

      Outcome led, brand-centric thought leadership, delivering onbrand messaging to client-focused imagineered deliverables.

      BINGO!

  4. TheProf

    ad infinitum

    "With our new name, we express our ambition to shape the future of healthcare together with you. Our new name marks the beginning of this journey whereby we intend to build upon our key attributes: engineering and pioneering healthcare – key words that define the people working in our company."

    That's the exact statement they'll use in a year's time to announce the new rebranding: Siemens HealthGuys.

    And a year later: Siemens HealthDudes.

    ad infinitum

  5. Alister Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    the informal description of gynaecologists as "privateers"

    Classic!

    Have many of these ---->

    1. frank ly Silver badge

      It'll take about a week to heal so no jolly rogering for a while.

  6. g e
    Coat

    Physician!

    Heal Thine ERS

    ?? OK. Coat got.

  7. Mike 125

    is that PC..?

    Can you say Boutiqueers? I don't think that's allowed these days - depending on where you stress the syllables.

    Siemens Healthcare has long been a laughing stock- so I guess this insanity suits.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: is that PC..?

      So I'm not the only one that read that as bootie-queers and wondered, WTF?

      That's a relief.

      1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

        Re: Re: is that PC..?

        Bootie-keers, I assure you.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: is that PC..?

          Lester,

          If your bootie has ears, might I suggest that you ask your plastic surgeon for a refund?

          I've heard of journalists trying to keep their ear to the ground, but this is ridiculous!

  8. hatti

    Rebrand

    Just a lazy bit of Friday afternoon work joining two words together.

    Anyone who does that is a fanker!

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Rebrand

      On the cruise ship I work on I'm both part of the crew, and the entertainment staff.

      In fact, I'm the coxswain, and a sword swallower. What should my rebranded job title be?

      1. BurnT'offering

        Re: What should my rebranded job title be?

        Sabered Seaman?

      2. cosymart
        Happy

        Re: Rebrand

        I ain't Spartacus > Your title is Coxchopper or the less drastic Coxstabber.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

          Re: Rebrand

          I quite like Swordswain myself.

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Rebrand

        CoxSwallower?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What about eyes nose and throat?

    1. hatti

      looksmellswallowineers

    2. Sir Sham Cad

      ENTineers, obvs.

  10. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    logo

    That appears to be the Fitbit logo.

    Time I went to get a sandwich from the lunchineers.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: logo

      My thoughts exactly the moment I saw it, maybe copyneer is fitting :P.

      luckily it is also friday, this afternoon I shall have to attend several rounds of meetings with the pintineers for a long overdue rebrandying exercise.

  11. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    Mastubateers

    1. TRT Silver badge

      or, as those are now known...

      Semen Expressioneers.

  12. anthonyhegedus Silver badge

    That is the most bolloquial word I have ever seen! What a load of wankeers...

  13. myhandler

    Ohmygawd - rotflmfao

    It's craptastic!

  14. defiler Silver badge

    "Healthineer"?

    That's a funny way to spell "cock"...

  15. Lee D Silver badge

    And quite how much money was wasted on that?

    I mean, honestly. What a pointless waste of time, effort, money, and email bytes.

    Sorry, but the only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?) and even then, only to eventually decide to retire one of the names.

    Literally EVERY other company name change just makes me think "So, that's a new company number, with new directors, so what are you hiding that you didn't us to find inside the old company?". And when a company rebrands just for the sake of it without even changing who they are, what they do, or what they're registered as? I just think of someone painting their house bright pink over the top of the perfectly-maintained and just-repainted beige underneath.

    1. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

      "Sorry, but the only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?) and even then, only to eventually decide to retire one of the names."

      Or when the old name has become toxic.

      1. Lee D Silver badge

        Is that "acceptable"?

        And does that honestly work?

        Just seems inherently dishonest and will only stick in my mind more in the kind of "Oh, yes, X were Y but they don't want us to remember that, they changed their name rather than fixed the problem" kind of way.

        I can't name a company where the name was changed and suddenly they were much more successful than under their previous dubious-dealing company name.

        1. Dabooka Silver badge
          Joke

          There's loads of companies!

          @Lee D

          You're not thinking very hard. What about EE from T-Mobile and Orange, Virgin from NTL-Telewest, and Network Rail from Railtrack?

          Oh. Yes, I see your point....

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        I worked on a rebranding project that actually was necessary. The company's old name sounded like a commodity; I'd heard it in ads for years without realizing it was a brand. But they put a lot more thought into the new name than these "Healthineering" hacks :)

      3. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Doctor Syntax Says

        > The only acceptable use of company name changes is really when you merge two companies (Alcatel-Lucent?)

        HGST and WD are currently merging.

        "Can I have a vowel, please Carol"

        1. Zimmer
          FAIL

          Re: Doctor Syntax Says

          Where have you been? It's 'Can I have a vowel , please, Rachel'.

        2. Someone Else Silver badge

          Re: Doctor Syntax Says

          BNSF?

          CSX?

          (U.S.) railroads are very good at eliminating actual letters from their names.

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