back to article How IT are you? Find out now in our HILARIOUS quiz!

Gor blimey guv. I jus’ bin dahn the ol’ rub-a-dub for a pokey alright sparrah do us a lemon John. Fret not, faithful reader. Be comforted that I have neither succumbed to Dickvandykitis nor do I have any compulsion to “do the old bamboo” – a suspicious euphemism if ever I heard one. I am merely rejoicing in being told that I …

  1. chivo243 Silver badge
    Pint

    As it's Friday

    (c) ask them to hold on for a moment and then go down the pub for the rest of the day?

  2. TWB

    How IT are you?

    Can you remind me again what IT stands for?

  3. Phil W Silver badge

    Re: How IT are you?

    Ignorant T*/!

  4. mark_squire

    Re: How IT are you?

    IT stands for commitment. IT stands for audacity. IT stands for courage in the face of adversity

  5. Santa from Exeter
    Pint

    Re: How IT are you?

    Daaahhhling, I'm so IT I drink my Gin with IT!

    (Where's the Gin icon?)

  6. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
    Happy

    Re: How IT are you?

    Strange. I drink my gin with breakfast...

  7. 0x407ab506

    Re: How IT are you?

    I only knew one IT girl, although I have met a few women who work with computers.

  8. magickmark
    Pint

    As its Friday

    (a) suggest they turn it off and back on again? (and then call you back)

    (c) and then go down the pub for the rest of the day?

    A lesson learnt from the BOFH!!!

    Cheers, Simon!!!

  9. bpfh
    Trollface

    Re: As its Friday

    A user calls to report a non-working printer. Do you...

    Call the user from a non-caller ID phone, explain that there is a magnetic hysterisis problem with the hot-roll, and the user needs to reset it with a hairpin or large straightened paper clip. The user needs to locate the magnetic impulse wires near the top of the rollers, one red, one blue, and user needs to discharge this by pressing the clip against the red wire to evacuate the charge, and for best results, also needs to touch some other grounded element.

    Wait for the bang and the smell or burning toner, go to pub when ambulance is in earshot.

  10. Chicken Marengo
    Boffin

    Re: As its Friday

    Sound advice.

    I always suggest that anomalies are a result of the incorrect interferasticlation of the flop bits.

    That's why I don't often get asked support questions twice

  11. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
    Happy

    Re: As its Friday

    Tell them you're a DBA and you don't do hardware. Phone the helpdesk!

  12. Triggerfish

    Re: As its Friday

    A user calls to report a non-working printer. Do you...

    They don't call they come and see me, and if a cup of tea is involved, and mebbe biscuits. Then printer fixing might happen.

  13. el_oscuro
    Pint

    Re: As its Friday

    As its Friday

    (a) suggest they turn it off and back on again? (and then call you back)

    (b) the sound of footsteps immediately breaking into a sprint in your desperation to get away.

    (c) and then go down the pub for the rest of the day?

  14. onefastskater

    Re: As its Friday

    DBA stands for Don't Bother Asking!

  15. graeme leggett Silver badge

    A 2000 AD (OK, Starlord too) reference

    I always liked the Ezquerra style. And he did Stainless Steel Rat too.

  16. Alistair Dabbs

    Re: A 2000 AD (OK, Starlord too) reference

    I got to shake hands with the great Pat Mills last week. Top bloke.

  17. Locky

    'Ow Yorkshire?

    We used to dream of a septic tank

  18. Franco Silver badge

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Dreams? You were lucky!

    (this could carry on for a while....)

  19. Mutton Jeff

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Dahn sarf, we 'ad to make do wiv a Mexican

  20. caffeine addict Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    We couldn't afford an entire D-ream - we had to make do with just having Prof Brian Cox...

    (am I doing this right?)

  21. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Luxury! We used to dream of having a Brian Cox (with his ooh so lovely hair). We had to make do with a Brian Blessed.

  22. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Is a 'Mexican' like a 'Brazilian' but with a bit more burning sensation?

  23. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    "Is a 'Mexican' like a 'Brazilian' but with a bit more burning sensation?"

    OMG - I spewed out of my front bottom...and it buuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnnnnssssss!

  24. Chemical Bob Bronze badge

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Septic tanks, bah! Silly peasants. We used to live in an entire sewage treatment plant!

  25. Mike Pellatt

    Re: 'Ow Yorkshire?

    Certainly did at that campsite in the Dales in the late 60's whose facilities consisted of an earth closet.

    Proper camping, that was.

  26. Doctor Syntax Silver badge

    "as if looking for butchers’ hooks"

    Slight hangover from the Cockney quiz?

  27. TRT Silver badge

    Last question should have been...

    How do you feel?

    Repeated several times when you don't answer. Because we all know that answering 12 question internet quizzes is what Spock was really doing at the start of Voyage Home.

  28. Peter Simpson 1
    Pint

    Re: Last question should have been...

    How do you feel?

    (c) Like I need a trip to the pub...

  29. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge
    Joke

    Re: Last question should have been...

    Is this like "How do you do?"

    Which should never be answered with anything related to your health, either good or bad.

    Eg.

    Q-How do you do?

    A-Fine thanks.

    Bzzzt wrong!

    Q-How do you do?

    A-How do you do.

    Q-No, How do *you* do?

    A-No, How do you *do*.

    etc.

    ...profitzzz.

  30. Mark 85 Silver badge
    Pint

    Re: Last question should have been...

    How do you feel?

    (c) Like I need a trip to the pub...

    I do believe we have the top answer of the day!!!!

  31. Mage Silver badge

    Cockney Quiz

    right!

  32. TRT Silver badge

    Re: Cockney Quiz

    Cockney or Essex? In two questions.

    (1) Were you born within the sound of Bow Bells?

    (2) Were you born within the sound of Bow Legs?

  33. CT

    Re: Cockney Quiz

    I think I can hear Bow Locks.

  34. TRT Silver badge

    I went to university down in Brighton...

    where there was a big Scientology thing going on. And they hook you in with personality quizzes which invariably are designed to show you that you are a good person but you need to spend £4000 on a course which will teach you to correct x, y or z personality defect which is holding you back and stopping you from becoming a millionaire like Tom Cruise.

    Being a psychology undergraduate, much like Dabbsy's victim, I went to their in depth feedback assessment and promptly took apart their questionnaire, scoring each question for positive/negative bias, control question loading etc etc and left their interviewer (a very attractive young lady, what a surprise) as a nervous wreck. My girlfriend who had been given the hard sell by an attractive young man (again, what a surprise), told me she'd signed up for two years of courses and did I think we could live the rest of the year on just my grant money - which sent me into a meltdown. She was, of course, joking; which meant she won that one.

  35. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    For those interested, may I suggest the Oh No, Ross and Carrie podcast. Currently they are recording their Scientology course experiences "So you don't have too". They also do a fair impersonation of Hubbard's leaden delivery.

  36. Dr_N Silver badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    Remember it well:

    "Have you got time for a survey?"

    No, **** off.

  37. Peter Depledge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    I, too was a student in B right on. Only it was a poly in those days.

    The West St (IIRC) scientologists were already a fixture and much mocked...

  38. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    Not scientologists, but one of these jumped me today on my way to work* and unlike most of them, this guy were a bit rude: "I saw you look at us**. It will only be 10 seconds!" - with an aggressive tone of voice. He didn't touch me to stop me in my tracks past him though, or it might have turned ugly.

    *My way to work is through a mine field: lady with coin jar for charity at shopping centre entrance (so I see her -twice- each day within 10 minutes), Jehova's witnesses, credit card pushers, plain old "got spare change mate" people... And that's just one point on my commute while I change trains.

    **Of course I looked at you - for half a second. I wanted to see if I'm supposed to escape you or not as I walk past you. I don't have enough time between trains to learn how to fuck with you. It's a 20 minutes interchange, and I already spent 10 of those minutes in the shop.

  39. FuzzyWuzzys Silver badge
    Happy

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    My mate and I very much enjoy the delights of the harder end of the muscial spectrum, the delights of Decapitated and Amon Amarth are firm favourites.

    I well remember heading to Brixton one bright sunny Summer evening to see Slayer play. The dear Scientologists had a little table set up right outside Subway along the high street, selling their snake-oil books and tapes. Well when of the most often used subjects for heavy metal songs is preachers of any faith trying to brainwash people into believing their tripe and nonsense. I waited outside Subway for my mate to arrive and all the while I was there, a good 30 mins, I started to feel a little sorry for those Scientoligists as they looked absolutely terrified every time a group of metallers walked past, sneered or passed comment and walked into Subway, then sneered and passed more comments on the way back. When it came time to pack away their little table I've never seen anyone shift boxes of unsold tapes and books so fast!

  40. TRT Silver badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    @Peter. Brighton University was still a poly in my day too; I was at Sussex.

  41. Michael H.F. Wilkinson Silver badge
    Happy

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    I once had a scientologist wanting to inflict a questionnaire on me, so, being a good sport, I went along with it. Answering all the loaded questions in slowly increasing psychopath mode wasn't the only thing that got to him. I think it was the combination of my slightly too bright smile, the way I kept staring fixedly at his right ear, and developing a slight twitch in my left eye that really did it. I was careful not to overdo it, I just subtly built it up. He bolted at the end.

    I had just been rehearsing a part as an insane Columbian taxi driver in a student play, so I could keep the act up all day, if needed

  42. Uncle Slacky Silver badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    When they ask you to take a personality test, just tell them you haven't got one. Works for me!

  43. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    I don't need to be an actor to spook them. I just answer them honestly*.

    *A bit like that guy who was asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth**

    *"What, not THE Arthur Dent? Hahahahahahahahahahaha"

  44. Shadow Systems Silver badge

    @Dr_N, re: your answer.

    I like your answer & would send you a pint.

    I once used the reply of "I dunno, do you have time for an ass kicking?" For some ODD reason they left in a hurry. Oh darn.

    *Cackle*

  45. Mark 85 Silver badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    personality defect which is holding you back and stopping you from becoming a millionaire like Tom Cruise.

    The money would be nice, but I don't want to jump up and down on a couch while screaming.... OH.... they can fix that defect then... Where do I sign up?

  46. Ken Hagan Gold badge

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    You have to sympathise with these folks, though. If you don't answer then nothing happens. If they don't ask, they GO TO HELL AND BURN FOR-EVER!!

  47. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: I went to university down in Brighton...

    One of those various types stopped me in the street to ask me how I was feeling. So I said "I have a terminal illness". He was very concerned and asked what it was. He looked taken aback when my reply was "life".

  48. Dan 55 Silver badge

    How IT are you?

    (b) tell them to log a call with buildings management because stationery falls under someone else’s cost centre?

    Every time. I spend more time writing something that sounds plausable and reassigning tickets than actually working. They eventually come back to me anyway but under a different project, one with enough hours that allows me to actually work on them.

  49. ukgnome Silver badge

    How IT are you?

    D, keep them on the phone as long as humanly possible and involve as much tedious small talk as you can muster. In between the tedium try and get as may Monty Python quotes in without being obvious. Gauge their own assumed knowledge with near incomprehensible babble about flooded packet gateways, network degradation based on 443htz bleed-through from the local communications tower. Things like this will heavily dissuade idiots from calling you again.

    Sometimes it's worth a small effort.

  50. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: How IT are you?

    Thumb-down for misspelling Hz while claiming technical proficiency.

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