back to article BOFH: We're miracle workers. But you want us to fix THAT in 10 minutes?

"What do you mean 'why's it not working'," the PFY asks. "I mean WHY ISN'T IT WORKING? What's happened?" the Boss snaps, expecting an excuse that will be both technical and understandable to someone with his level of tertiary education. "Nothing's happened, it's all the same as usual," the PFY responds, suspecting – as we all …

Boffin

Sorry, must have missed it.

After that process description, the boss's eyes must have been fully glazed over, his brains dribbling from his ears, and drooling like a komodo dragon with a head cold.

And it didn't get a mention.

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Re: Sorry, must have missed it.

*** DUMMY MODE ON ***

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Re: Sorry, must have missed it.

That process did remind me of the NtNoN version of the lifejacket instructions..

"press the yellow button, unzip the toggle pocket, unscrew the air valve anticlockwise and yell “inflate you stupid bastard"

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Happy

Ahhhhh

BOFH back in full obfuscating form, so all is well... in spite of our gubbermint 'stuff'.

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Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Now I understand why we had to wait so long for this episode! How the heck do you invent such names? You're a genius! *still laughing*

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Devil

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

I know how he comes up with this stuff:

trial application insanity filter! it's an electronic MadLib ;-}

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

But as a font can it be worse than Adrenaline Bubble Outline?

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WTF?

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Why, dear gods, WHY did I click on that link?! That font made my eyes want to take up drinking.. as in applying over-proof rum directly to the eyeballs.

That font makes Comic Sans look inoffensive.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Ze goggles, zey do nothing!

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WTF?

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Holy shit! They expect people to pay for that?

I mean, why not just find a sadist who'll gouge out your eyes with hot spoons for free?

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Joke

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & Monarco Retardo

The Boss didn't realise that these were the names of the next two Ubuntu releases?

How in heaven's name did he get his job?

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Childcatcher

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

...why not just find a sadist who'll gouge out your eyes with hot spoons for free?

Because with the sadist option, it probably could be traced back to you when you send it toward your victim of choice, but combining that font with an anonymous email... yeah, that could do some untraceable damage.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Must be a mac user... "what do you mean you can't read the font? It looks fine on 'my' computer...".

Also speaking of Ubuntu. The Ubuntu font has become one of my usual fall backs just lately, it just works without pretence. But I digress.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

That font makes Comic Sans look inoffensive.

Hey now, be nice. NOTHING makes Comic Sans look inoffensive.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

For some real class, how about Doves Type?

I'm writing a lot of internal work stuff in Doves these days (my boss is a bit of a printing / typeface geek and decided to buy the font for no reason other than he liked the story, and it's quite easy on the eye) and not having bold or italic options really concentrates the mind on how to convey the mesage clearly...

M.

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Mushroom

ZOM*G MY EYES!!!1!!!11!¶||!

Ok that's it, from now on I'm going to have to browse the web with a welding mask on. Either that or I'll have to borrow Kanye's shutter shades. Thanks Phil.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Why o Why in God's name would anyone and I mean ANYONE design that font or use that found, it makes Comic Sans seem normal or even Quark Neon seem passable..

I've seen some presentations that make me wonder if they people who did them are "some kind of special stupid"

Gotta love the BOFH and I've seen fonts that were only Upper and Lower case....

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

@sisk - You didn't click on the link, did you?

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Devil

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Why design it? Someone has an old copy of Fontographer and nothing better to do.

Why have it? It's free.

Why use it? When put into a customer's advert, poster, tee-shirt, or other promotional product that needs a "cool" headline to draw in da yoofs, customer will say "oooooh, I like it!".

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WTF?

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

I take it you didn't click on the buying choices tab. $490 for an app license to use the font.

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Joke

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & Monarco Retardo

<quote>How in heaven's name did he get his job?</quote>

Do you really want to know????

It is most likely because the Boss had a few friends in the company.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

That's, uh...

You know, that's actually quite a nice typeface. I'd rather like to read the complete works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle (on the topic of Sherlock Holmes, at least,) rendered in that very fetching font.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

You know, that's actually quite a nice typeface

I sincerely hope you mean Doves Type, not that previously mentioned abomination?

M.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Well at least it isn't Comic Sans.

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Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Yes, yes I did mean Doves Type.

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Trollface

Re: Turkeyshoot Mascara & MonarcoRetardo

Why, dear gods, WHY did I click on that link?! That font made my eyes want to take up drinking.. as in applying over-proof rum directly to the eyeballs.

That font makes Comic Sans look inoffensive.

I think I found a new font for my work email...

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There's a difference

Lol, the

"no-changes-on-a-Friday window"

which always translates into

"no-changes-on-a-friday-unless-somebody does their 'baby wants is rattle' impression and cries loud enough and then you'll have to fix it I dont care how long it it takes and yes the person who asked for the changes does get to go home on time but you dont."

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Trollface

Re: There's a difference

The no major changes on Friday is my mantra. I've even said it to one of our directors when he proposed a Friday for some mission critical work.

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Re: There's a difference

You need to amend that as once the bosses catch on, they will redefine "major". I suggest "absolutely, positively NO changes on Fridays".

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Re: There's a difference

Golden time at my bacon getting place of operation has to be widespread panic on every front, otherwise it can wait until 8:00am Monday (which I hate). Because Friday represents the end of the week and probably the most productive day I dissuade my superiors from these actions.

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Re: There's a difference

"no-changes-on-a-Friday"

That's close to what we call it, but not quite ...

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Anonymous Coward

the person who asked for the changes does get to go home on time but you don't

Hah, that will be the day. The change is logged as well as the forced override against our explicit advice with the name of the person forcing that change, and the network will fail just as we have leave the building and put our mobile on silent because they were too cheap to add a 24/7 clause to our contract.

If we need the overtime we may "discover" the panic messages later, come in on Saturday and maybe rig the access logs so we'll have worked on Sunday as well, but you can be damn sure that anything the board wants to play with on Monday will still have problems, and the name of the person who ignored the advice of us superbly qualified magicians/technical people is on record so no guessing what will happen next.

Generally it only takes two managers being demoted to car parking duties for the rest to get the hint.

:)

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I'm not worthy!

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Pint

I bow before your masterful PHB handling skills. I am unworthy at your castigation of useless middle managers. Tell us your secrets, oh great one!

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Pint

Bravo!

*round of applause*

Have a Friday beer on me!

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Anonymous Coward

@AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

Sadly our lot have developed a response to all of that. They try to get to the board first and say that we're "obstructive", haven't got a "can do" attitude, try to push for admin access for themselves, tell the board that they, the customer, aren't happy with the service we provide etc.

It doesn't matter how stupid the argument they sling mud and sadly a lot of board members are too thick to see what's going on.

In the end you rely on your boss having the courage to stand up for you and getting the right points put across.

My current bug bear is this "we're the customer" rubbish. I pointed out that they've misunderstood the relationship, The truth is that we were chosen by the board to provide a service and that our ultimate responsibility is to provide a good service to the betterment of the company which is not always doing whatever half cocked idea passes fleetingly through the head of some manager.

OK, that's my rant for today :-)

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Happy

@AC...

AC,

quite a while ago (I had hair) I worked for a then well-known consulting company, churning out graphics and fiddling with Excel.

They had a fabulous rule re out-of-hours work (which was very regularly needed), in that ANY CONSULTANT could ask you to work on anything, for as long as it takes (regularly overnight!) until it was sorted.

BUT the relevant Consultant had to stay within sight of you until you were happy that the job was done.

We did crazy hours, a 24hr stint was not unusual - and earned very well for it in the process, and no Consultant ever removed the urine...

I still think it was a most effective approach.

Regards,

Jay

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

Sadly our lot have developed a response to all of that. They try to get to the board first and say that we're "obstructive", haven't got a "can do" attitude, try to push for admin access for themselves, tell the board that they, the customer, aren't happy with the service we provide etc.

Oooooh, yum. Such a *rich* source of fun things to play with. Can I have your job for a while?

Getting to the board first doesn't matter really, but if it bugs you, be very helpful in sorting out communication and access control. The moment you have that in hand your manager is history. It's rather hard to get to a board member when your phone, email and physical access have failures that originate in what you tried to force on Friday :). Especially VoIP diverts are hard to get right, but maybe it's a hint of things to come that calling any board member gets you the recruitment company instead..

However, also do not underestimate the power of "facts" stored on a computer as that "doesn't lie". Your average end user (aka board member) has no clue that such records are not immutable and can be edited at will. Since your manager knows full well he gave the order against logged objections, he will do everything possible to avoid the raw "facts" as stored being tabled, which is why it is so sad that by a stroke of sheer luck, the email of the board still sort of works, not very stable, but enough to email the change control note upwards as root cause.

Naturally, you cannot "fix" the manager's email until you fixed that of the board, unless he wants the board to know that he considers himself a higher priority without giving a reason for it, but just in case he insists, you would naturally be happy to pass on the "I screwed up and want to correct it before if affected you" message (at least, that's what it will imply when you're done with it and release it to the queue).

As for admin access, yes please. As seasoned professional you will have other accounts with admin rights such as "accounts" and "sanitation". Only the manager's account is called "admin", so when things start to go mysteriously wrong they will always originate from that "admin" account. All you need to set up next is a cascade failure that will happen as soon as he logs in, preferably something with dramatic and notable side effects such as zapping the shareholder presentation the chairman has been practising the whole week for next week's AGM.

Naturally you will save the day by first spending 4 hours in the pub with PHB developing a "recovery strategy" to recover what was nuked "by the manager making beginner mistakes at admin level". Once you have drunk and lunched enough on the company's expenses you amble back and copy all the data back from the USB3 stick you have had in your bag since Friday when you set it all up, and presto, you're the hero.

When can I start?

:)

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

Very good J.

In fact some of that worked but sadly I'm no BOFH and haven't quite got all of my God like powers over all of the IT system yet......

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

No admin access? Tisk, I've usually managed that by the 3rd day on the job. Job requirement don'tcha know?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

try to push for admin access for themselves...

That, right there, is your problem. And it's an easily enough problem to solve. One bit of network devastating malware traceable back to the machine of a manager with admin access should clear that one up. If it doesn't then repeated infections all traced to the machines of managers who should bloody well not have admin access, along with a couple techs making it clear why this keeps happening, will.

Why would the managers keep getting infected? Because social engineering is too danged easy when people don't understand the threats, that's why.

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Thumb Up

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

Half coked you say...?

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Anonymous Coward

Re: @AC "Hah, that will be the day......"

Very good J.

1) note, of course, that this is only from a perspective of being able to walk away with a new job in sight. I know that is hard for some people.

2) this is all as fictional as the real BOFH stories. Not that I wouldn't be up for it, but as I am not called The United States of America I *do* worry about collateral damage.

3) J? Who is J? Or do you mean Jay, in which case why the insult? As that is the second time you use that, does not denying it somehow confirm it? When did you stop beating your wife?

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Joke

"Getting" the hint...

<quote>Generally it only takes two managers being demoted to car parking duties for the rest to get the hint.</quote>

Nahhhh!

Around here, we just send them on a new career trajectory, using one of these:

http://www.timeref.com/castles/trebuchet.htm

"put their ass in the sling, and give them a fling...."

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Is that Simon posting as an AC? Because that's grade-A Bastardry there.

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This post has been deleted by its author

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Coat

Re: "Getting" the hint...

"When did you stop beating your wife?"

For the record, I have never stopped beating my wife.

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Happy

@Sir Runcible: Re: "Getting" the hint...

Sir Runcible,

On occasion I love beating my wife too!

It doesn't happen as much as it used too (regretably), card games are one of the few arenas where such happens in our abode...

Regards,

Jay.

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Re: @Sir Runcible: "Getting" the hint...

@Jay,

whilst I can sympathise with your situation, I have never beaten my wife - it was a play on the original implication that I actually started beating my wife at some point.

My answer was 100% truthful, you cannot stop something you never started :)

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Pint

trial application sanity filter

I'll be using this one in a Monday morning meeting! That will be happy times ;-}

BOFH on Friday, time for a pint!

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