back to article BOFH: Press 1. Press 2. Press whatever you damn well LIKE

"You're the one who wanted it," I tell the Boss in response to his fuming. "I didn't bloody want it at all!" "Yes, you distinctly said you wanted some call screening that would filter out the timewasters who hadn't read the FAQs from the helpdesk queue." "Yes, but I di-" "It had to be FIFO, had to be able to distinguish …

Pint

You are in a maze of backup tapes. Press 1 to thank the BOFH for saving you from another boring Maintenance Friday!

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Anonymous Coward

Re:

One!

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Headmaster

Re: Re:

Nah, maintenance should be for Thursdays, not Fridays.

Fridays are either for beer, or so you have time to fix anything that the Thursday maintenance broke so you don't have to do it on the weekend (before then going to the pub for aforementioned beer to celebrate).

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Re: Re:

Although if you do break something on the Friday, you get to go in over the weekend.

On overtime.

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Anonymous Coward

Re: Re:

> overtime.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

But seriously,

Overtime, in IT?

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Pint

Just translated the main points into German for my support colleagues... I don't think they will be getting any more work done today! :-D

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Happy

Re: Re:

You can't get tech support without the Amulet of Yendor.

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Re: Re:

If we break things on Fridays, we get the Ops team to keep it ticking over the weekend and deal with it Monday. If it's something important, we get time and a half plus half in lieu.. and the company picks up lunch. Of course we do maintenance on Fridays!

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@bid_D

So you´re located in East Germany then, where after 25 years, still noone learned english. Well, they are too busy burning refugee homes.

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Coat

Re: Re:

Actually, it's the Amulet of Vendor you need

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Go

Re: Re: BillG

"You can't get tech support without the Amulet of Yendor." I presume you need it to defeat the Balrog?

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Re: BillG

No, you just need the correct pass for that. I think it's got Youshallnot on the front.

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Re: BillG

You cannot reach the file.

A huge Cryptolocker bars the way.

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Re: @bid_D

West Germany and not everybody can speak English or understand it well enough to understand humour.

And we have a large refugee camp here in the area and the people are accepted by the community.

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@ Richard Altman

I think I can see (not hear) a German accent in YOUR English.

So what about your Spanish? You still do not speak Spanish after so many years? Do you still think that Spanish is the native language in China?

Mental heatsinks from THINKTOOFAST CO. are known for giving you problems every once in a while.

And please excuse me if my English is not perfect - I am a confessig German.

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Re: BillG

I presume you need it to defeat the Balrog?

This day and age, it's usually the Billrog you need to defeat.

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@ Richard Altman

Tell that to my East-German wife, who happens to speak English fluently, along with most of her family...

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Re: @ Dave K

That is the problem, too many racial stereotypes. I married a German woman, who lived her whole life in a small town in the countryside. She learnt a bit of English in the school, but never got a chance to use it after that.

We have been together for several years now and she doesn't speak any English.

In the big towns, East and West, North and South, a lot more people speak English - and are often happy to get the opportunity to practice it. In the countryside, not so much.

When I first moved here, I didn't speak any German, but went to German language school. About 9 months later I visited a friend near Hanover and we were sat in his office and he told me, that if I didn't practice my German, I would never be able to speak it fluently. I then politely pointed out, that he was the only German friend I had who still spoke mainly English with me! :-D

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Re: BillG

XYZZY

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Re: Re:

If I need to work over the weekend, yes.

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Re: BillG

PLUGH

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Anonymous Coward

Do you want your possessions identified?

Happens to me every bloody time.

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Re: @bid_D

Your first mistake is thinking that ANY Germans have a sense of humor.

:)

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Anonymous Coward

Cheap Machines

Won't work where I work, if we get a non standard machine in because our Hell Desk is owned by the company that owns us we get charged a set amount for an image to be built for it (Every few years because new features added tend to not be tested on said machines).

Anon because I don't want said Helldesk to deliberately want to charge me when something else breaks.

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Pint

> xyzzy

You are in the pub. There is a glass of beer here.

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Pint

A hollow voice says...

plugh!

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Joke

> Drink beer

You drink the beer

> Sit

You shit on the floor

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Re: A hollow voice says...

GLUGH!

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Colossal!

(Cave)

Brilliant, I'm just off to amend our Asterisk conf files for the IVR menu

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Thumb Up

Great idea

Need to create a twilio script to do this!

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Coffee/keyboard

See icon.

However I wonder how many bemused PFYs are wondering WTF this is all about?

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I'm 28 and I spent 2-3 years of my high school life playing MUDs. You may be surprised, some of us young folk get this kind of thing.

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You don't know frustration....

Like playing treasure Island on cartridge for the vic 20 without a manual at the age of 5... I remember dancing when I finally made it to the island from the bar you start in (I'd drunk it dry iir so nothing left to do)

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Ah, nostalgia...

>You are standing in an open field west of a white house, with a boarded front door.

>There is a small mailbox here.

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

Halcyon days, when you didn't need beefed up specs, hi-speed graphics to play decent games. All that was needed was a little bit of imagination and some very clever designers from Infocom.

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

very clever designers from Infocom.

Colossal Cave/Adventure predated Infocom, IIRC it was Will(?) Crowther in the mid-70s. I have Fortran sources somewhere, I remember spending weeks trimming it to run in the 25Kwords available on an ICL box at Uni. These days you can get it as an Android app :)

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

http://www.web-adventures.org/cgi-bin/webfrotz?s=Adventure

That's the rest of the afternoon sorted. Thanks

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

Many years ago, one of my occasional tasks was to head to some outpost, install a modem and with it a 3276 terminal.

The Official Test was to sit down and play Colossal Cave for half an hour or so.

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

sudo apt-get install bsdgames

adventure

....

Oh well. Memories..

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

"Colossal Cave/Adventure predated Infocom"

So did the Star Trek adventure (played on a PR1ME) - who remembers being reassigned to the Faerie Queene?

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

ah yes, well I recall playing Adventure on the 1903T, and then, when everyone one had left the building, we booted up Star Trek, it usually crashed the system after about half an hour though.

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Re: Ah, nostalgia...

That would be "Ye Olde Faerie Queene", with 6 torpedoes instead of 10, wouldn't it?

Ahh Primos...

GO GAMES

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Anonymous Coward

This was a game called FIST that was a telephone game just like this

I understood it would take about 8 hours of premium line time even if you knew all the correct moves in advance...

Now turn to section 400...

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Anonymous Coward

That cost-cutting move: so, SO true..

Instead of the most effective solution – jumping off the balcony

Even if the rest wasn't a welcome and thoroughly amusing flashback (and a frankly insanely brilliant achievement if you manage to code this into an IVR), that one line is already good enough to make my week and weekend.

Ah, this is pure art..

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Pint

you haven't had enought

Have another.

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Stop

On our desk phones...

8 will get you reverse, not go forward into mission control...

I want to pitch this to my boss for our customer support hotline. We won't solve your problems, but you will have a fun time whilst we endevour to provide our best and upmost efforts to ignore you...

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Mainframe version

kept us busy while the scheduler loaded on sunday mornings. And at least we looked like we were working.

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Re: Mainframe version

MUD? Banned at our Uni yet still installed and available. Like they were testing us or something.

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Re: Mainframe version

I remember Adventure being deleted from the server at Uni (Imperial College, London) - only for the mail spools to become "overful" as we mailed ourselves a copy as we logged off :-)

Perfect training ....

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Brilliant, as per usual!

Instead of the most effective solution – jumping off the balcony...

Amen to that! As for the rest in that block, be glad you don't work here. Every time I suggest to the boss that we get standardised, supported kit, I get told it's too expensive. We now support 4 different OS's on around 10 makes of machine across several sites, all with different specs, drivers etc. We have no installation media, no idea which machine is which, and to top it all off he wants to get rid of the one AD DC we have (serving only one site, the rest using local accounts because having servers there is "a waste of money").

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