Right Dabbsy my old son, you can cram this job right up your BLEEEARRGH Slinking away early from yet another works leaving party this week, I was reminded with some regret that I will never get one of my own. All those nice words spoken, all those pats on the back, all those clinking glasses of pub house wine. How lovely it must be to be surrounded by so many faithful colleagues celebrating the fact …
I once worked with a brilliant guy - PhD physicist who had worked in academia and industry - who simply could not remember names. However, a bigger problem was that he never got military ranks, a handicap on MoD projects.
What I learnt from this is that majors addressed as sergeant find it amusing, sergeants addressed as major feel insulted.
I've always had a shocking memory for names.
About half my working life in the UK was as a freelance with about 100ish clients most of which were very small outfits but kept me busy for 60-70 hours per week. Come the Xmas piss up season I'd bump into most of them at various trade parties along with many other freelances that I'd occasionally work with. As a name-forgetter it was a nightmare. Eventually I figured out a method of avoiding social embarrassment.
Some total stranger would approach and say "Hey, Mr Coat, haven't seen you since that Merc production. How are you?" This person was probably a production assistant that made me a coffee on a half-day gig some 11 months earlier and I'm supposed to remember their name.
To avoid looking like a twat I'd just say "I'm good, thanks. Remind again me what your name is". They'd reply "Jim" or whatever so I'd say "I know your first name's Jim. How could I forget that when we had such a laugh on that gig? It's your second name I can't recall. I'm terrible with second names". The coffee-bringer then tells you their second name.
In a couple of seconds you've gone from socially incompetent tool to having their first and last names and restored your reputation as that nice freelance with the great social skills.
In a couple of seconds you've gone from socially incompetent tool to having their first and last names and restored your reputation as that nice freelance with the great social skills.
Either that or you've gone to 'that manipulative sociopath who is too narcissistic to think that anyone wouldn't see through that old chestnut'. I sympathise though. I am crap at recognising faces and am forced to rely on proxies such as distinctive jewelry or clothing. If the wheels come off I fall back on self-deprecating humour to mitigate any offence.
Personally I took the path of developing conversational skills that completely alleviate the necessity of remembering a person's name.
Unfortunately my wife is a bitch with a twisted sense of humour. At a halloween party surrounded by about 30-40 colleagues (most of whom I'd worked with for at least 2 years) I was chatting in a small group of half a dozen people when my wife chimes in "aren't you going to introduce me", gesturing towards a young lady with whom I had sat opposite for a year and a half.
I know her name, I knew her name - just not at that particular moment in time. I recalled it later when I was making my wife a cup of tea*
*with added flavouring >:)
Funny you should say that, my very first thought on reading this article was "Don't *ever* get a gig in the MoD".
Not only is the rank thing a real problem, but the whole organisation works on nicknames, with different social groups using different nicknames for the same person, and everyone in the whole world-wide setup knowing each and every one of these nicknames. Within a week I was a gibbering wreck, hiding under the desk whenever anyone came into the office.
Which, actually, worked out pretty well. Who knew?
GJC
.........in the Middle East circa 1947. He arrived at HQ just in time to witness the following exchange between the RSM of the regiment and a (very) foolish young subbie who had protested against some criticism that the "Reggie" had subjected him to. "But, but, Sergeant Major" .... "Pardon, you addressed me as Sergeant Major?. Let me make something very clear to you young man, I address you as "Sir" and you address me as "Sir". The difference is that you better fucking well mean it!"
When the other option is 'US Interstate Gas Station' Coffee. All I can say about it is that is it wet and warm.
What gripes me about Starbucks is that you could be the only customer yet they still want to write your name on the container. WTF is that all about?
{writing this whilst having brekkie in a 24hr diner in Cheyenne, Wy just off I-80 and the coffee is just about ok}
What it's about is corporate palliness because some poll showed that customer retention increases x% if staff use the customers names. In America. I can't speak for America (probably very similar, Americans aren't stupid) but in Europe it feels invasive, creepy and insincere.
What it's not for is identifying whose frothycapudoodah is whose as it's hardly challenging for staff in any other cafeteria to manage day in, day out, without faux camaraderie.
customer retention increases x% if staff use the customers names. In America. I can't speak for America (probably very similar, Americans aren't stupid) but in Europe it feels invasive, creepy and insincere.
I don't drink the black stuff, but I do buy a sandwich each day. I couldn't give a fuck if the people serving me remember my name (and I'm certainly not telling them), but I do like it when they remember enough that I like the mayonnaise on the bottom slice, then the chicken, bit of bacon on top and then the salad without me having to tell them every day.
I'd probably start going to a different store if they started asking my name...
What it's not for is identifying whose frothycapudoodah is whose
I think it probably is. Starbuck's is notable for the fact that, however many servers are behind the counter, it takes them so long to make a cup of "coffee" that you have to mill around with a mob of 20 people waiting for their drinks.
The other thing it's notable for is that nobody's job description includes clearing and cleaning the tables, so you have to eat and drink in a midden of dirty dishes and spillage.
I have known some colleagues for over thirty years, spoken to them daily, remembered their names... and forgotten them the minute one or another of us has changed department. I have difficulty even with household names (e.g. news reporters and presenters that I worked with for years). On the other hand, I can remember the pinouts for chips that I used twenty-five years ago...
While working in the United Nations building in New York (as you do) I bumped into John Prescott - whom I had last spoken to at least ten years previously in a different bit of the BBC entirely. "Eyup Neil, how's it going?" as soon as he clapped eyes on me.
I guess that's why I'm an engineer and he's a politician.
So a beer to all my old colleagues whom I have cut, ignored, slighted, or otherwise offended by not know knowing their names. It's not my fault, honest! I still recognise your faces.
I have held down my current job for over six years now. Unlike Alistair (sp?) I do remember my colleagues' names. Mostly. Three of my female colleagues had taken a maternity leave at the time I joined the company. When they returned I knew all their names but I am completely unable to make a 1:1 match. Meaning I will get each of their names right given three tries or so. I've mentioned this to one or two other colleagues and they too seem to struggle naming these three women. Not a huge problem as they are already spoken for (and so am I), so there. Maybe I would have made more of an effort if things weren't so, but then again maybe not.
But: The mobile phone is an invention from hell (or Finland). The poor audio quality means I only manage to catch the caller's name 20% of the time. I recently had a phone conversation where I was trying to set up a skype call with the caller... The amount of relief was quite tangible once we had sorted out my skype id and we could establish a higher quality connection (I should have simply SMSes him my skype id, but I wasn't sure he would manage).
Never mind quitting, you should enquire with yourself as to what redundancy package you would give yourself. You might find yourself to be quite generous. Of course if you decided to make yourself redundant then you'd be obliged to hold a consultation with yourself. Which would be somewhat awkward I'd imagine.
I do remember a while back having to consult with myself about whether to set up a workplace pension scheme and, in the event of doing so, how the contributions might be divided between employer and employee. I just got a headache.
Mind you, it sounds like that can be a handy thing to have if you're about to run into Nigel over Christmas...
Before the London Olympics, I tried to submit my expertise through the government's standard bidding process. I stumbled over the question that asked me whether my company had drawn up an equality and inclusion policy and distributed it to all my employees. Being self-employed, honest and an idiot, I ticked "No", whereupon I was booted out of the bidding process without further warning.
"I stumbled over the question that asked me whether my company had drawn up an equality and inclusion policy and distributed it to all my employees."
Every one of your employees had a copy, so where was the problem in ticking the "yes" box? The policy could consist of the words "We adopt best practice in equality and inclusion for all our employees and subcontractors", sign, date, job done.
(I'm reminded of the story of Alan Turing in WW2 joining the Home Guard and then deciding to leave. He was told he couldn't and was under military law, whereupon he pointed to the bit of the form where it said, in effect, "I understand that I am under military law" and he had written "No." Of course nobody ever read the forms...so he was in the clear.)
Of course if you decided to make yourself redundant then you'd be obliged to hold a consultation with yourself. Which would be somewhat awkward I'd imagine.
This may be tongue in cheek but it is the legal reality. If you ever set up a limited company you have to have an AGM every year with all the directors there and all shareholders invited. For a single person company that gives you a roll call of one. However the AGM still has to be held and minutes still have to be taken. Certain business operations can only be done following a vote at the AGM.
OTOH it does provide an excuse to spend a fortune on crap snack food. You justify it to the missus with your director's hat on, in that you have to provide nice nibbles for the shareholders at the AGM.
People often wear their RFID identification card in a holder on a lanyard round their neck. Some of them put the card in the holder by bringing it up to eye level so they can see the guides. That makes the card upside down for anyone meeting them. Still - reading text upside down is a prerequisite skill when being nosey about what's on your boss's desk.
In the NHS all Lab coats and nurses uniforms have the names on them. For the ladies it's on the chestal area. You spend your day trying to remember names and eventually being forced to try and read what on their left... well I'm sure you get the picture...
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