back to article It's the FALKLANDS SYNDROME! Fukushima MELTDOWN to cause '10,000 Chernobyls' in South Atlantic

Molten nuclear powerplant cores from Fukushima – having burned their way down through the planetary crust and plunged into the Earth's centre – are set to emerge again on the other side of the planet and devastate the Falkland Islands, scientists believe. Sensationally, the Register can reveal full details of the impending …

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  1. tfewster Silver badge
    Facepalm

    Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

    Posted 1/4/15

    1. toughluck

      What really gave it away was this:

      "The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards."

      That would be an improvement, wouldn't it?

    2. JetSetJim Silver badge

      Re: Obligatory "Oh noes", TOTC etc.

      This just goes to prove that Fukushima was an Argentinian plot to displace the plucky Brits from the islands.

  2. Bubba Von Braun
    Mushroom

    Happy April Fools Day

    ROTFLMAO.. Very funny guys... Now all you needed to do is to weave LOHAN in as the only method to give the cores something to aim at when they emerge in the Falklands :-)

    Or Lester is this the real reason behind the FAA not approving the LOHAN flight? I can hear black helicopters over my hou....<static>

  3. Adam Foxton
    Joke

    Even nuclear reactor rods

    Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team.

    Let's hope they don't find out what''s happened since or they'll be popping up in the middle of Chipping Norton in... òh, about exactly a year today.

    1. Teiwaz Silver badge

      Re: Even nuclear reactor rods

      > "Even nuclear reactor fuel rods are pissed with how the Argentinians treated the Top Gear team."

      Maybe they could actually perceive two twats and a psycho when they saw them.

  4. Vladimir Plouzhnikov

    Time to act!

    The only solution is to transport a spare RBMK core from Russia to the Falklands, set it off there and let it sink into the crust. If timed right, it will hit the Fukushima ones head on and cancel the oscillations.

    Unfortunately, as Luis Sancho warned on many occasions, such energetic collisions may lead to creation of runaway mini black holes, which will doom us all.

    1. LDS Silver badge

      Re: Time to act!

      Or sell the Falklands to Russia, Putin will be able to stop the running core simply with one of his farts...

  5. Kevin McMurtrie Silver badge
    Big Brother

    Great hopping nukes

    This would explain why various government agents have been watching customers of the Falk 'n' Big Nets store.

  6. IT101
    Angel

    Our new masters

    Can I be the first to welcome our new cockroach overlords.

    1. Boris the Cockroach Silver badge
      Devil

      Re: Our new masters

      Get down on your knees and worship pathetic humans!

      1. Red Bren
        Mushroom

        Re: Our new masters

        Why would I want to worship pathetic humans, when there are mutant intelligent cockroaches to worship?

        It never hurts to suck up to the boss...

  7. Alister Silver badge
    Joke

    So this is why they built those aircraft carriers that can't carry aircraft... I knew the British Government couldn't be that stupid...

    1. MrXavia

      Didn't you know?

      Someone in the MOD watched Dr Who and thought it was a documentary, so now the plans are for flying double decker buses why else would they sell off our harrier fleet before the F35's are even ready?

    2. Marketing Hack Silver badge

      @Alister

      Yes, the plan is to lay turf on the carrier's flight decks, then bring aboard evacuee Falklands sheep so they can sail back to England in a stress-free free-range environment. And if there is a "black sheep" on the way home, you can fix them to the catapults and launch them overboard!

      1. Alister Silver badge

        @Marketing Hack

        One of the "features" of the new aircraft carriers, is the total lack of catapults installed...

        So I'm afraid any "black sheep" would have to be shoved overboard by hand, unless they could find a plank to walk off...

        Other than that, your plan sounds good.

        :)

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Bungee cord. Would work for sheep and cold-launched missiles. Would need further testing for F-35s and buses.

          Then again.. We have had 'oil exploration' licences issued for the Falklands which are a cover for Operation Anti-Core. This involves directional drilling under the islands to create a web-like structure filled with bungee cords which would either dampen the oscillating core or bounce it back.

          Other options were considered, such as using shaped charges to achieve similar effects. But that involves some risk of blowback. This was explored further in the Orion annexe. Shield the underside of the islands, wait for maximum potential energy conditions and detonate. This had the advantage of potentially relocating the islands away from sovereignty disputes, and dealing with the minefields on the islands. The Environmental Impact Assessment did note the severe impact on the penguin population, and anywhere it landed.

          1. Marketing Hack Silver badge
            Alien

            @AC

            You can recruit a few Horta to do that tunnelling. I bet the U.S. government has them excavating extra escape routes under the Pentagon right now.

  8. x 7 Silver badge

    can't we use a few magnets to redirect the cores to Argentina?

    1. Simon Harris Silver badge

      I think El Reg's geography is a bit out, and the opposite side of the Earth from Fukushima is actually closer to (and almost on the same latitude) Buenos Aires, than it is to the Falklands.

      1. nichomach
        Mushroom

        Oh well done - you had to warn the buggers, didn't you?

  9. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Oh My

    After reading this horrific news, I rang Otto Lidenbrock to see if he had any old maps that could be of use for a mission to capture these oscillating cores before they destroy the earth. After a bit of what sounded like finding an ear trumpet and putting in teeth, he shouted that he did indeed have maps of unknown tunnels in the earth, however, Alex was in possession of them and he is unfortunately in rehab for heroin addiction. He could not remember if Hans was still alive, but was confident that if Hans was alive he may know where the rehab is that Alex is in and that I should sent a letter to Hans post haste because the mail carriage is cutting back to once a month due to budgetary pressures and an aging horse. The line then mysteriously went limp and I turned the crank in feverous and passionate desperation to no avail. I suspect a conspiracy is unfolding here where there anywhere everywhere Bondsonian proportions of hillbillean reaction will be required. With the interior of the earth being shaken or stirred this may be the only logical response.

  10. SoaG

    Afterwards?

    "The Falkland Islands will be a barely habitable wilderness, afterwards"

    Excellent expose and analysis piece.

    1. DropBear Silver badge

      Re: Afterwards?

      Sure, but there will be heaps of tourists flocking to the place just to see all that lovely Cherenkov radiation glow at night...

      1. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

        Re: Afterwards?

        @DropBear

        That would give a whole new meaning to the phrase "blue ocean water".

      2. Wzrd1

        Re: Afterwards?

        I prefer to be bathed in a fine Cherenkov radiation glow in the wee hours of the morning, it's so energizing!

  11. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Also in the news my kids stretched cling film across the toilet, placed eggs in my shoes and confetti in my umbrella.

    1. Sir Runcible Spoon Silver badge

      I hope you sent them to school without their shoes - now *that* would be funny :)

    2. swschrad

      better than eggs in the umbrella

      serves the Falklands right. at least the surviving shepherds will have enough light to see if any of the skeletons, formerly sheep, have disappeared.

  12. itzman
    Mushroom

    TYhe real tragedy is that ...

    this story will probably go viral around the Green Blob and be utterly and totally believed.

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

      I'm waiting for Faux News to pick up on this... then Congress will be in an uproar followed by various agencies mobilizing to deal with those Japanese terrorists who started this whole mess.

      1. codejunky Silver badge

        Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

        @ Mark 85

        I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'. With the way they carried on I expected them to start reading bible passages and talking of 4 horsemen.

        1. swschrad

          more likely...

          post bulletins that young and virile athletic girls be bussed to Broadcast House posthaste.

        2. Vic

          Re: TYhe real tragedy is that ...

          I am waiting for the BBC to pick this up based on their coverage of the 'disaster'.

          That's only going to happen if someone posts the story on Twitter...

          Vic.

  13. tempemeaty

    Umbrella solution is best....

    ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ I'm perfectly safe because I have an asbestos umbrella! ლ(╹◡╹ლ)

  14. James Cullingham

    Very amusing

    And I liked the completely gratuitous Blackadder reference too

  15. amanfromMars 1 Silver badge

    Get with the BBC*Program

    And the UKGBNI is in progressive recovery and all thanks to Parliamentarians, is another one for airing on this date and in these days of make believe and crazy spin.

    * Bold Brainwashing Corporations Program

  16. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    too soon

    think of teh deads

    1. Dick Pountain

      Re: too soon

      I assume you meant "tink"

  17. TRT Silver badge

    So choose the April 1st story:

    The Falklands Syndrome,

    Luminous Tampon Tracers or

    Transvestites Attack NSA.

    Yep. Some weird shit goes down nowadays.

    1. TRT Silver badge

      Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

      1. launcap Silver badge
        Mushroom

        > Or option D: burying nuclear waste in cat litter.

        With one of our cats, I'd rather take the nuclear waste..

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Happy

      Frank n furta

      Transvestites attacking the NSA I would acccept,as perfectly reasonable - after all why not?

    3. D@v3

      Luminous Tampons

      Worryingly, I actually saw that story elsewhere a couple of days ago, and in fact, if you look at the time stamp for the reg article..... (31 Mar 2015 at 16:56)

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    endless loop (hole) ?

    Is it expected that the reactor core will then fall back into the earth's core and resurface somewhere else (again to all the effects mentioned in the article) and keep on doing this until the earth is one big hole?...the end is nigh! / welcome to the new wiffle ball earth

  19. DropBear Silver badge

    How could you not mention...

    ...that according to the well-known superboffin Dr. Ock, there is still hope - if a hole could be punched into the sea floor at the predicted exit point of the cores, all the seawater flooding in might neutralize the Leydenfrost effect and allow friction to kick back in just long enough to confine the cores with one final plunge to the centre of the Earth. A specially trained squad of elite sharks carrying drilling lasers has already been dispatched to the site...

  20. Andy 97

    Best one I've seen today..

    Saying that, it wasn't a tough lineup this year either.

    Good work hacks.

    1. This post has been deleted by its author

  21. Slacker@work

    Excellent work!

    Best Aprils Fool I've seen so far today. Particularly liking the "Federation of Concerned Scientists" - that's an organisation that should be brought to life!

    1. Slacker@work

      Re: Excellent work!

      Ok you just lost the crown - Sony are a runaway winner with this...

      http://blog.eu.playstation.com/2015/04/01/introducing-playstation-flow/

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