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  1. Lionel Baden


    If only I were younger, this would make a for a highly interesting and fulfilling career. Would probably have to brush up on my grammer and splelling somwehat.

    Well done to who-ever does make it :) I look forward to some new stories.

    could we also include lewd sense of humor and childish ideas, into the basic requirements please.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: ahhhh

      'could we also include lewd sense of humor and childish ideas, into the basic requirements please.'

      Or, indeed, the other way round.

    2. Matt 21

      Re: ahhhh

      I think you'll be all right. As as far as I've seen there's no evidence that either grammar or spelling are a prerequisite for writing for The Register.

      A slightly odd sense of humour does help and I see you meet that requirement. Have you got any experience with Playmobile charters?

  2. Hardcastle the ancient


    You want me, but you can't afford me.

  3. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Commentards ?

    I'd be very interested ... I can't point to a whole load of journalistic experience, but I can write ... there's 7+ years of my commentard history with an 8:1 upvote:downvote ratio ;)

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Commentards ?

      Downvoted as it's a competition now :-)

    2. MyffyW Silver badge

      Re: Commentards ?

      AC, you are my favourite commentard ;-)

      1. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Commentards ?

        AC certainly posts an awful lot, doesn't he? (Or she. Or it. Or something.)

    3. Mage Silver badge

      Re: Commentards ?

      8:1 suggests not fearless enough about expressing unpleasant truths or contrary opinions.

      A mere populist. You need to be a bit more controversial.

      1. DougS Silver badge

        Re: Commentards ?

        Downvoted for the controversiality of that viewpoint and to insure you don't feel like too much of a populist.

        1. Scroticus Canis Silver badge

          Re: Commentards ? Up to down vote ratio of 8:1 comment

          Its was 8:4 before I made it 8:5, so FTFY!

        2. DougS Silver badge

          You bastards

          Quit upvoting me, I'm start to feel uncontroversial and populist!

  4. BlueGreen

    the ability to file copy

    I can copy a file. Do I win?

  5. chivo243 Silver badge

    Open an Office in Amsterdam..

    And I'm interested, may even be able to keep my day job and pay the bills! Come on Reg, you know you would love an office in Amsterdam! You know you want it! Just make it happen ;-}

    1. Guus Leeuw

      Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

      Why would you want to report on the bleeding edge of technology from Amsterdam of all places? You are aware that the Dutch in the Netherlands are actually not really great with IT, are you not? And I worked both there, and in the south of Limburg... On both occassions there were tons of people around the place who were either too bleedin' lazy to get the work done, or didn't even begin to come close to required brain functionality to understand what they needed to do... Loads of bullshitting and hot-air-selling, though!

      Yes, I'm Dutch. Yes, I'm a Software-developer-trained-storage-administrator-project-manager-enterprise-architect-what-not. Yes, I don't give a rat's ass about the Netherlands, or indeed (apart from 3) Dutch people who live there or anywhere else :)

      Now, come on with them downvotes

      1. chivo243 Silver badge

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

        No down vote from me, I live in Holland, I'm not dutch. I know what you mean by lazy and not qualified, but I guess I am very lucky, the 3 Dutch guys I work with know their stuff, and get the job done.

      2. Bloakey1

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..


        "And I worked both there, and in the south of Limburg."


        You said Holland, since when has Limburg been a part of Holland? they do not even speak proper Dutch.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

          I think they do speak proper Dutch, it's the Dutch who don't!

          As for working with people who don't know what they're doing, I don't think that's specific to Holland. I've certainly had that experience here and in the US.

      3. Fruit and Nutcase Silver badge

        Re: Open an Office in Amsterdam..

        I was going to say what about "Philips" - then I remembered that would be Eindhoven.

        However, a correspondent based in Amsterdam would possibly find more technology related stories than say one based at the Silicon Roundabout

  6. Faye B

    Technology Hack

    I don't think my liver could take it these days. I'll just stick to being a commentard.

  7. Ashton Black
    Thumb Up

    A candidate...

    I'd like to see some articles written by amanfromMars. Those would be highly entertaining, especially if, one is erm... "chemically altered".

    1. Rol Silver badge

      Re: A candidate...

      ...and 500 years later, another race who had never known of mankind's existence, stumbled onto the devastated remains of Earth's once bustling civilisation.

      Keen to understand what had once existed there, and even more intrigued as to how this once great people had vanished from the galaxy, they set about excavating through hundreds of feet of cockroach droppings.

      Many months of fruitless search ensued until the day they stumbled onto a data centre.

      It took their engineers many months more to coax something out of the scant remnants of data, but they finally found their answers to the question that had plagued their minds so long.

      The head of the team stood proudly in front of the galactic media screen to announce their findings.

      I will loosely translate what he said.

      "Dear citizens of the inhabited planets and those in between. After sifting through many mountains of yummy droppings we have discovered what happened to the humans. The conjecture was right, they were indeed invaded by Mars and the chaos that prevailed was sufficient to cause the population to end it all. I shall now read you some of the man from Mar's statements, please ask your children and those of a weak disposition to leave the room....."

      err I can't translate the rest as it seems to be gobbledygook.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    So few comments...

    From the Reg's commentards...? Offer them a stage and they get stage-fright?

    1. Irony Deficient

      Offer them a stage and they get stage-fright?

      … wrote an Anonymous Coward.

  9. Arachnoid

    However there will be frequent outings

    You let your Vultures out........are you mad, how will you ever round them up again?

    1. Mark 85 Silver badge

      Re: However there will be frequent outings

      The same way you herd cats.

    2. me 1

      Re: However there will be frequent outings

      Would have thought you just peel them off the bar floor at closing time.

      For some reason the next bit of the sentence: "plenty of scope to develop serious investigative skills"

      gave me immediate visions of a decent ale house with a looong line of pumps which will take some time to fully investigate, once past the debate about which end to start at...

  10. Christopher Lane

    I'd love to...

    ...just can't give up the day job. However a once weekly "Amateur Article of the Week" corner would be nice but I understand it would soon become unwieldy sorting through the thousands of crayon drawings received.

    1. Lionel Baden

      Re: I'd love to...

      That's a Awesome Idea !!!

      Amateur hour on a Friday, Would love to see this happen.

      How about commentard's with badges only? would cut down alot of garbage and spam possibly.

      Have a *beer on me !!!

      *apologies virtual beer

      1. Tim Worstal

        Re: I'd love to...

        Terrible idea. Would be muscling in on my gig, wouldn't it?

      2. Uffish

        Re: Amateur Hour

        There is an Amateur Hour after every article.

    2. SoaG

      Re: I'd love to...

      No need to sort. Name topic of the week on Monday, then draw a random submission on Friday.

  11. Chazmon

    I am looking forward to the article devoted to the spoof submissions sent in by commetards.

    Good luck sorting through that lot!

  12. Guus Leeuw

    A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

    Dear El Reg,

    in case you are not aware: a tabloid is generally considered to be printed press on paper that is about half the size of a broadsheet. Therefore, it would seem that it still is not technically possible to be an online-publishing-only tabloid press.

    Also, in case you weren't so aware, a tabloid press / outfit, is generally associated with sensational news. Not in the sense that the reporting is sensational, but in the popular sense of "sensational press".

    Being that as it may, I wonder why El Reg would require fluency in English, seeing that it has a limited amount thereof itself.

    Yes, I am the son of a retired hack who also performed the role of stone editor in his days, so I'm *very* picky when it comes to language ;) Oh and my primary language teacher was very picky as well, so... I learned from what I consider the best.



    1. TWB

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      Yeah yeah yeah, we all know 'tabloid' is technically a size of paper, but in popular usage, I think we all now what it also has come to mean....

      Having said that, I used to wonder years ago, why very few 'serious' newspapers were printed tabloid size - I realise this has changed in more recent years (depending on your point of view of course)

      1. Alistair Dabbs

        Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

        A pedant writes...

        'Tabloid' is not a paper size but the style of writing, even though people assume it's the other way around.

        An annoying pedant adds...

        'Tabloid' was a word invented to describe Alfred Harmsworth's original Daily Mail with its mix of stories, topics and pictures on each page. In serious papers, you'll have entire sections devoted to politics or international affairs. In a tabloid, you can have a political story, a weather forecast, a piece of PR shit about a celebrity and a bunch of news-in-brief stories about pets all on the same page.

        1. Stumpy

          Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

          ... and of course, the more accurate description for todays Daily Mail would be 'vindictive, bile-filled hate rag'.

        2. Phil W

          Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

          A Greater-Pedant writes..

          The word tabloid was not invented for this purpose at all, but is in fact substantially older. As the OED will tell you it is from the late 19th century originally the name of a proprietary medicine and later used as a generic term for any medicine in tablet form.

          Apparently "the current sense reflects the notion of ‘concentrated, easily assimilable’." which may well explain the use of tabloid in relation to size of newspapers, given their smaller size.

          1. Bloakey1

            Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

            An Even Greater-Pedant writes..

            Tabloid was the commercial name of a medicine and it effectively i used in the same way that Rhomboid might be used i.e. shaped like a rhombus in tabloid we had shaped like a tablet. Bear in mind that medicines were given in various does in those days and as a tablet was easily digested tabloid inferred similar properties for the 'medicine' involved.

            Sooo.. in later days tabloid basically means in small or compact form and / or easily digested.

            So there we have it, the Mail is in compact form and easily digested! Errrr, i might have stumbled across the exception to the rule.

    2. Faye B

      "considered to be printed press on paper"

      A pity you don't apply your editorial vigour to your own English then.

    3. diodesign (Written by Reg staff) Silver badge

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      "in case you weren't so aware, a tabloid press / outfit, is generally associated with sensational news"

      We're very aware of it :-) I love being accurate and in-your-face; it drives boring people mad.

      "I wonder why El Reg would require fluency in English"

      Editing is a PITA if the writer isn't fluent in the language. Plus, you need to be fluent to be funny, interesting and informative in your writing.

      "I learned from what I consider the best."

      Whom, mate.


      1. Primus Secundus Tertius Silver badge

        Re: editing is a PITA

        It sure is if the "writer" just dictated into a "voice recognition" machine. Mind, that seems to be the way some national papers (no names, no libel suits) seem to work.

      2. jde96

        Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

        The first I heard of The Register was in about 1999, when my boss and senior programmer went to a trade show in Birmingham, and came back with a 4-page tabloid digest of El Reg.

    4. Snipp

      Re: A tabloid journalist for El Reg with Fluency in English eh

      The irony of self-identifying as as a sensational rag may have been lost on you, Gus.

  13. ElReg!comments!Pierre Silver badge

    If only...

    Paris is too close to London to be of any interest to you guys I suppose. Bah. I'll just have to stick to my day job then.

  14. Rol Silver badge

    Re: Job advertisement

    Dear Spork / Hen

    I am writing in response to your job advert for a chick / vulture, which I saw on The Register.

    I have many sober moments, where I can recollect instances of drooling over the latest technology, the photograph's of which I have attached in lieu of a relevant CV:- Me and my CBM Pet: me and my Amiga: me and my Dragon: me and my ZX81, all of which demonstrate I am deeply rooted in the world of frustrating little boxes of joy.

    I have never passed myself off as an expert in this particular field, but I understand how plagiarism works in principle and am willing to learn the art.

    My current remuneration is linked to my productivity. As I am mostly down the food bank, I'd suggest emailing would be preferable to contact by telephone.

    I look forward to you swooping down and grabbing, what I modestly consider, this glorious feast of talent very soon.

    Yours sincerely


    P.S. can I book September off as I'm going to a music festival in late August and will still be a little delicate.

    p.p.s. I have also attached forty pages of continuous feed printout of a word processing program I written in 6502 machine code.

    p.p.p.s I don't think the authorities will allow me to enter America to work at your offices there.

  15. cracked

    Moonist B**tards!

    (See title)

  16. Anonymous IV

    Bring Back Sarah Bee!

    We miss the demon Moderatrix, who presumably went on to become Maleficent in that recent movie...

  17. John Tappin


    the journalists even write about IT. How about that?

    I dont recall anything that says the job pays though...Do you have to sleep in the toilets like Asok the intern from Dilbert?

  18. keithpeter

    "In recent times the Register has had its journalists poached by Bloomberg, the Wall Street Journal, the New York Times and the Telegraph among others."

    Well done (depending on how many went to the 'others').


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