back to article New Star Wars movie plot details leak, violate common sense and laws of physics

Some meagre plot details for the new Star Wars movie have leaked online, revealed to BadAssDigest by “multiple sources” (some spoilers follow, obviously). Christina Chong in Line of Duty Newest cast member Christina Chong in Beeb TV show Line of Duty With no official word on plot from JJ Abrams, Disney or Lucasfilm, …

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  1. Chris 2

    Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

    I can't see how this ex-Stormtrooper thing is going to work on screen. Nobody's going to be able to suspend disbelief if he actually manages to shoot anyone.

    1. Jacksonville

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      They could play it for laughs... bit like the "Drink problem" gag in Airplane. It could run and run

      Ex-stormtrooper dude shoots 6 shots around the bad guy like when the fourth man missed Jules & Vincent in Pulp Fiction.

      Solo: (Shoots Bad guy) Dammit Chewie, this guy couldn't hit a star destroyer if he was standing on it

      Chewie: (Shakes shaggy head) raaaaarruurgghh!!

      Ex-stormtrooper dude: (shrugs)

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      El Reg... Really?

      To the fine men and women of the best tech site on the planet:

      I seldom object to stories here, but just because the details leak somewhere, do you have to republish them? First off, I doubt there's any confirmation from anyone of note involved with the production. That makes it rumour, not news. Even if it does turn out to be true, is this really worthy of your talents? Are you hiring reporters away from Heat? Can we look forward to Kardashian updates on the hour?

      Second, there are a few of us out there that don't want to memorize the script before seeing a film. I like a little mystery when I go to the cinema. Yes, there are all sorts of people out there that want to know how many stitches are in the front seam of Luke's new Jedi robe, but they will just ruin the film for themselves. No need to destroy it for all of us.

      I am no fan of JJ Abrams who single handed ruined the Star Trek series for me. However, I still want to go see the film when it comes out. I like seeing movies with no preconceptions so I can make up my own mind.

      One of the reasons your web site is open on my browser all day is you have gained my respect over the years by fair and reasonably impartial reporting (mixed with sardonic humour that I adore). However, it's reality check time. Harrison Ford breaking his ankle on set is news. Spoilers that may or may not be real are not.

      You should handle stories like this the same way FIFA handles people who run on the pitch during the World Cup for free publicity. Focus on something else until the annoyance goes away, then get back to what matters.

      1. mark 63 Silver badge

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        @AC with the chip

        I loved Star wars, but its over. The 3 ,um, old new ones were a huge dissapointment - no ones fault , how could they not be. same for these next 3 . So i dont mind a little speculation , true or false about what might be in them.

        Now to my main point - If you dont want to know dont read the article! The reg even omitted their usually oh so clever tag line for this exact reason. cant say fairer than that!

        1. Dave 126

          Re: El Reg... Really?

          At OP AC...

          just because The Reg published the leaked details doesn't mean you have to read them. I haven't read the article*, but I've skipped to this comments section to get an idea of how spoilery the spoilers are. My choice, as your choice is yours.

          *I know, I'm a hypocrite; I normally criticise commentards who comment on an article they haven't fully read.

          1. Bleu

            Re: El Reg... Really?

            No, you are commenting on a meta-phenomenon, feel no guilt!

      2. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Harrison Ford breaking his ankle (sounds more like a bad sprain, break one of your own and see), has no tech connection.

        Some gossip site has no tech connection, except they have an Internet site.

        They have been selected to run a little pre-publicity or they are just making it up.

        Who cares?

        It is sure to be a pile that trundles along and gets a few points from the protagonists from the original three.

        Speaking of which, I enjoyed parts of all of the prequels, child actor playing young Vader was perfectly precocious, proud, and pouty, that got the next most criticism to Jar Jar, who played pretty much the same as when he was the same actor in the Fifth Element, but I cannot recall the same mass hysteria against that, quite the opposite.

        I would love anyone to watch Return of the Jedi and say with a straight face that it is not the most cloying of all.

        Fans and those older than about 25 will recall that Lucas spoke of a nine-part series, for which he'd written the outline.

        Threw his toys out of the pram after herd-like media reviews from Menace to Sith, I really do not believe he did not have at least a sketch of the nine-part matinee series he claimed.

        As if Disney will do anything but flog the horse until it is dead, and as if Lucas needed more money.

        1. Franklin

          Re: El Reg... Really?

          "Harrison Ford breaking his ankle (sounds more like a bad sprain, break one of your own and see), has no tech connection.

          Some gossip site has no tech connection, except they have an Internet site."

          Looking for a tech connection on every Reg article? You must be new.

          As for the rogue stormtrooper: The idea of a hero with a conflicted past trying to make good can be brilliant, if it's done properly, but I have little faith this movie will be done properly.

          I mean, Star Wars Episode 3 was basically the story of Faust--the classic story of the fall from grace that's been a running theme in human literature since...well, since before there WAS literature. It's an archetypal story that's so embedded in our consciousness that it should not be possible to screw it up. Yet screw it up they did. So I might, I think, be forgiven for approaching any new movies in the franchise with a certain battle-hardened skepticism, I think.

          1. Bleu

            Re: El Reg... Really?

            Sorry,

            Your post is incomprehensible.

            Best of luck.

      3. Tom 7

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        I think you'll find that its not El Reg that ruins the star wars movies - that's down to the studio.

      4. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Gave you an 'upvote', not because I thought you had a point, the talk about sports was dim, but the 'downvoters' were clearly acting as a gang.

        Sometime friends of yours?

      5. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        The Kardashian thing has two tech. angles, cosmetic surgery and manipulation of 'social networks', thankfully the Reg. chooses to ignore both.

        Interesting, though, neither tabloids nor 'quality' papers comment on the obvious cosmetic surgery.

      6. Bleu

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        Open on your browser all day?

        Not to condemn, but you must be retired and have a very cushy payout or be rather above all at work.

        I only look at the site from work when bad code and descriptions start to drive me to death, so I need a little clarity, never have it open all day.

        Each to their own.

      7. NoneSuch Silver badge

        Re: El Reg... Really?

        ============== MASS QUOTE

        To the fine men and women of the best tech site on the planet:

        I seldom object to stories here, but just because the details leak somewhere, do you have to republish them? First off, I doubt there's any confirmation from anyone of note involved with the production. That makes it rumour, not news. Even if it does turn out to be true, is this really worthy of your talents? Are you hiring reporters away from Heat? Can we look forward to Kardashian updates on the hour?

        Second, there are a few of us out there that don't want to memorize the script before seeing a film. I like a little mystery when I go to the cinema. Yes, there are all sorts of people out there that want to know how many stitches are in the front seam of Luke's new Jedi robe, but they will just ruin the film for themselves. No need to destroy it for all of us.

        I am no fan of JJ Abrams who single handed ruined the Star Trek series for me. However, I still want to go see the film when it comes out. I like seeing movies with no preconceptions so I can make up my own mind.

        One of the reasons your web site is open on my browser all day is you have gained my respect over the years by fair and reasonably impartial reporting (mixed with sardonic humour that I adore). However, it's reality check time. Harrison Ford breaking his ankle on set is news. Spoilers that may or may not be real are not.

        You should handle stories like this the same way FIFA handles people who run on the pitch during the World Cup for free publicity. Focus on something else until the annoyance goes away, then get back to what matters.

        ============== MASS QUOTE

        I agree with this so much. Point by point, I could have written this.

    3. Tom_

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      I thought the Stormtroopers were supposed to BE the good guys. It's been a while since I saw it, but weren't they the ones being attacked by a terrorist cell in ... well... all of the films?

      1. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        In the new one the Death Star (now renamed Freedom Star) obliterates a bunch of robe wearing bearded religious fanatics on a desert planet because they had some sort of force weapon that could be launched within 45parsecs

      2. ukgnome

        Re: Tom_

        This is also my view, the empire may of seemed scary at first but they brought about and end to piracy and trade stability. The Jedi were a bunch of fence sitters, telling people what to do but not actually doing much themselves. Basically they didn't give a rats ass about the massive deaths that they caused by going against galactic peace.

        1. Jan 0 Silver badge

          Re: Tom_ @ukgnome

          I weep because I've upvoted someone who thinks 'of' is a verb but, leaving that aside, your heart is in the right place.

        2. Bleu

          Re: Tom_

          Wow, you might try previewing your posts, but maybe your local education system didn't give you the grounding in written language.

        3. Bleu

          Re: Tom_

          Soon to be contacting you, forces of the dark side are!

      3. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge
        Pirate

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        News you don't want to hear on the intercom system:

        "The Death Star has emerged from hyperspace at Gazalderaan."

      4. gw74

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        LOL, yet also not-LOL. Think of the Empire as the Nazis and the Rebels as La Résistance. Think of the moral argument for destroying the Death Star like nuking Hiroshima. OK the penne arrabiata-serving canteen staff didn't deserve to die, but it saved more innocent lives than it costed. The canteen staff were probably robots.

        1. Bleu

          Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

          Reference to 'nuking Hiroshima' is more than a little tasteless at this time of the year.

          1. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

            Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

            Reference to 'nuking Hiroshima' is more than a little tasteless at this time of the year.

            But would be super appropriate at Christmas?

            Also, do learn how the Reg's comment-threading system works, and why quoting the relevant part of the post you're commenting on is a good idea. Particularly if you feel compelled to respond to a dozen posts in a single thread.

    4. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      "Nobody's going to be able to suspend disbelief if he actually manages to shoot anyone."

      Let alone fly a fighter down a duct into the super-weapon and score a direct hit on its reactor...

    5. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      Wasn't there a Stormtrooper turned good (ish) guy in three of the films already? Or is that not the canon backstory any more?

      1. gw74

        Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

        You mean jango fett? I have literally no idea. I didn't understand the prequel trilogy, nor, after the"trade dispute" and Hayden Christensen's "performance", did I care.

    6. Bleu

      Re: Stormtrooper turned good guy?.

      Downvote just because you care too much about rubbish,also clearly dragging people from whatever fandom basement you dwell in to give you upvotes,

  2. IHateWearingATie

    Please let this not be true...

    .... it's all turning a bit Jar Jar otherwise

    1. Gordon 10
      Alien

      Re: Please let this not be true...

      Don't you mean a bit 'Abrams'?

      In a stunning plot twist an aged Jar Jar goes back in time to hang with his Mesa buddy Darth Maul only to accidentally erase the entire time line that produced Anakin Skywalker and Midaclorians by accidentally wiring the throttle of Anakins pod racer directly to the fuel tank.

      Fortunately Luke and Leia are warned of their impending demise via a disturbance in the force as if a billion movie goers suddenly cried out with joy and taking Han and Chewie with them they too travel back in time via a convenient black hole. Arriving slightly too late they are able to save Qui-Gon, Jar-Jar, Anakin and Obi-wan but not before their voice boxes are irreparably damaged - resulting in the rest of their roles in the 2nd Trilogy being sub-titled. Bitter Jar-Jar attempts to attack the time travelers, but fortunately Han shoots him first without warning, and Chewie beats the wounded Jar-Jar to death with his own ripped off arms.

      The world saved our heroes jump in another passing black hole and spend their twilight years teaching their Jedi children to fleece the roulette wheels at Hutt Vegas III.

      If JJ's doesn't take more liberties with Star Wars than the above I'll eat my hat.

      1. TheOtherHobbes

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        I demand the following:

        Lots of shouting, pointing, panning, and yelling

        At least one scene of people running madly through a corn field

        Swivelling helicopter shots of vehicles picking up speed

        Lens flare!

        Camera shake!

        Explosions! In SPAAAAAACE!

        A script that makes sense (Ah. Well then.)

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          Explosions! In SPAAAAAACE!

          And Dramatic Emotions!!

        2. Kunari

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          You only listed Lens Flare once, that's certainly not enough for a Abrams film.

    2. TRT Silver badge

      Re: Please let this not be true...

      I believe Captain Jack had the hand of a hero lost in a sword fight in a jar (jar) he kept on his desk.

      1. g e

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        It was Tensie's hand..

        http://tardis.wikia.com/wiki/The_Tenth_Doctor's_hand

        So they say...

      2. mrjobby

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        I thought you meant Captain Jack Sparrow. That would've been an awesome crossing of genres! :)

        1. Ken Y-N
          Pint

          Re: Please let this not be true...

          I thought you meant Father Jack - now that would really be fecking awesome!

      3. Fungus Bob

        Re: Please let this not be true...

        "I believe Captain Jack had the hand of a hero lost in a sword fight in a jar (jar) he kept on his desk."

        Captain Love had the hand of Three-Fingered Jack in a jar in "The Mask of Zorro".

  3. Sammy Smalls

    It may be rubbish, but I'll still go hoping to have the same thrill of watching when I was 7. Knowing It cant match what Star Wars IV means to a lot of people my age (40's, going on 12) is fine, I just hope it's not a steaming turd like the last 3.

    1. Evil Auditor Silver badge

      Back then (the original three) they were just great! It's space, it's light sabers, it's laser guns, and a girl - what's not to like. Years later I sat in the cinema for Episode I. And fell asleep instantly. Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?

      1. Preston Munchensonton
        Mushroom

        "Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?"

        Meesa thinks yousa didn't miss any shitsa...

        The only thing these movies will need is Han Solo jumping a galactic shark in less than 12 parsecs to defeat the bad guys. So. Completely. Out.

        And fuck George Lucas for ruining the wonderful memories of my childhood with those three turds he laid in episodes 1-3.

        1. Danny 14

          I didn't see the original star wars in the cinema but I did see empire strikes back first time around and that was simply epic.

          1. John Sanders
            Thumb Up

            Empire was the first one I watched...

            Same here, Empire was the first one I watched in the cinema, to this day I have never been more impressed with a movie. I was terrorized when Luke fought Vader in Vespin... and lost.

            The first one (A new hope) seemed quite bland in comparison. Half of Jedi is decent, the rest in line with the new trilogy.

            Lens flares? NUOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHH

      2. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

        Couldn't be bothered to watch any other one - did I miss something?

        I too couldn't face Episode II - Send in the Clones or Episode III - The End of this Shit (I believe those are the correct titles) after the dreadful Episode I. But I did watch Red Letter Media's analysis of Episode III, which is even longer than the film but, according to many, far more entertaining and interesting.

  4. Roger B
    Meh

    Good guy stormtrooper

    There was a short story written about storm trooper who was having some issues with all the bad things the Imperials were doing, he had made initial contact with the Rebellion and was due to meet up once he got back from his last mission which including boarding Tantive IV, unfortunately he was shot by Princess Leia shortly after boarding the vessel.

    I can't decide if I can be bothered with the new films after basically destroying the whole extended universe, although I didn't read the comics, I have most of the Timothy Zawn books, the Bounty Hunter Trilogy, The Han Solo Saga etc, all of which now don't make sense? I think I'll just stick two fingers up at the mouse and all in his house!

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Stop making sense?

      The Star Wars universe stopped making sense about 20 minutes into The Empire Strikes Back, when Lucas got bored of the storytelling and turned his full attention to merchandizing.

      Personally, I protect my precious childhood memories by pretending that the original movie was a stand alone event, and that everything else takes place in the same universe but has nothing to do with the characters and story of that first movie. (I feel the same way about Stargate-SG1, except in reverse.)

      1. Danny 14

        Re: Stop making sense?

        Empire strikes back was the best of the lot IMHO.

        1. Jim 59

          Re: Stop making sense?

          Marks out of 10

          Star Wars 10

          The Empire Strikes Back 9.5

          Return of the Jedi 8.5

          Phantom Menace -198,367,626,674

          Attack of the Clones -3,992,367,654,473

          Revenge of the Sith -157,329,873,473

    2. Bleu

      Re: Good guy stormtrooper

      If you like comics, some of those *were* great, at one stage they had many 2000 AD masters working on Star Wars comics, I didn't notice until that time was almost over, but have a lovely Cam Kennedy job about Jabba and an Ian Gibson about droid adventures. Writers and inkers were also from golden-period 2000 AD.

      Check at times, hoping to find another title from that time, they all look like crap now.

  5. brooxta

    SPOILER ALERT

    Star Wars franchise storylines not in fact based strictly on reality and the known laws of physics!!!

    Oh wait...

    Next time I must remember to use The Force before posting.

    >Gets coat<

    PS maybe the producers were trying to come up with a really gripping way if opening the film ... But they needed a hand?

    >Dons coat<

    >Leaves<

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