Re: Took ages to convince my parents...
>So no, I can't just 'make it faster'
Yes you can.
1. Uninstall everything from Symantec or McAfee. FInd replacements if necessary.
2. See what's starting up with the computer. Delete all the crap.
3. A low-level pass with Malwarebytes or Spybot. Both if you're feeling keen.
5. Faster! (On probably 99% of machines)
Alternatively, wipe Windows and install some minimalist Linux distro designed to run on computers built in the 90s, which will no doubt run faster than Windows on a modern machine. When they complain point out that you did exactly as they asked and made their computer run faster.
Or get a bit of G scale model train track, build a track from the computer desk to the nearest window, and add some wheels and a largeish model rocket engine to the computer. That'll make it 'run' faster to.
There might be a reason people don't bother me with computer problems when I'm in a bad mood.