back to article US bloke raises $250k to build robo-masturbation device

The inventor of a "powerfully realistic electronic male pleasure machine" has hailed the “outpouring of support” for his robo-orifice after raising a whopping $250k down at Indiegogo. With the backing of over 2,000 chaps, Brian Sloan has shot past his original $45,000 goal and is now poised to deliver worldwide relief via the …

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  1. frank ly Silver badge

    Imagine ...

    "... I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

    ... how they'd feel if they saw a real one.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Imagine ...

      >how they'd feel if they saw a real one

      Maybe they were offended because they wanted to see a real one.

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Let's hope

      Let's hope he doesn't run the thing on Android or Windows, the risk of picking up a dose of malware could be life threatening...

  2. Steven Raith
    Thumb Up

    Bunch of wankers....

    ...so where do I sign?

  3. Bertie D'astard

    Now I've heard it all, Software Defined Wanking!

    1. Crisp Silver badge

      Re: Software Defined Wanking

      That's not actually a bad idea... Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

      You could have it sync up with a movie of your favourite grumble flick, or you could have it vary the grip, frequency and length of strokes.

      1. Bertie D'astard

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

        1. moiety

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Software as a service indeed.

          1. Annoyed Grunt

            Re: Software Defined Wanking

            The latest in as-a-Service solutions:

            WaaS - Wanking as a Service

        2. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Let's hope it was "hard" coded without any backdoor exploits :-)

          Apparently, some people would consider that an omission :p

        3. RobHib
          Angel

          Re: Software Defined Wanking - @Bertie D'astard

          ... without any backdoor exploits :-)

          Exploits such as the common and inconvenient "I've got a headache" virus, perhaps?

          ;-)

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        Let's hope that this device has a decent API and a USB connector.

        As long it's not USB powered, I suspect such activity needs a bit more.

        It gives a whole new meaning to the term "USB dongle", though :)

        1. Cliff

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Some joke about hard drive floppy drive

          1. Ken 16 Silver badge

            Re: Software Defined Wanking

            You're not even trying anymore.

      3. VinceH Silver badge

        Re: Software Defined Wanking

        "has a decent API and a USB connector."

        Wireless networking, so it['s users bits] can be a part of the Internet of, ahem, Things.

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Software Defined Wanking

          Yeah, so blokes can claim they've got IPv6 when we all know it's only really IPv4 ;)

    2. Crazy Operations Guy
      Gimp

      A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning; her partner was a neurologist. She built an AI that would take data from various skin sensors (Salinity, blood flow, temperature), an EEG, and an EKG machine. The AI would then take this input and use it to control toys attached to robotic arms to stimulate nerve clusters in specific ways that would produce the best experience base on feedback from the sensors.

      Last I heard, she was trying to get funding to reduce equipment needed, especially trying to get it so it was no longer a tangled web of cables and taking less than an hour to get hooked in.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        A few years back I worked with a woman that was really into AI and machine learning

        There is one very evil input she can take: strain gages. Just before the moment it's all about certain muscles change tension - abort and restart at that point..

        (she's not the first with that idea, but a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept).

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          "a full AI is likely to significantly improve on the concept"

          Just don't give it a female personality or it's bound to get a head ache at the most inopportune time!

          1. Crazy Operations Guy

            "female personality or it's bound to get a head ache"

            Depends on which definition of 'head ache' you are using...

    3. Bill Neal
      Happy

      Re: Software Defined Wanking

      Masturbation as a Service? MaaS

    4. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

      Those who remember the 80s will perhaps remember the newspaper ads "Nothing sucks like a VAX". Many DEC sales guys hated that vacuum cleaner...

  4. Crisp Silver badge

    It just doesn't look big enough

    How are you supposed to fit it all in there?

    There's only 4" of stroke there. It doesn't seem like nearly enough.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: It just doesn't look big enough

      It's a blowjob simulator not a deepthroat simulator.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: It just doesn't look big enough

        I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

        1. PhilBuk

          I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

          If he does, it will make a sound similar to a VC-10 taking off. Just so the punter 'knows it's working'.

          Phil.

          1. Anonymous Coward
            Anonymous Coward

            Re: I bet Dyson will at some point improve it..

            When your nads are in a cyclone it won't be the thing making a noise like a VC-10 taking off.

  5. hammarbtyp Silver badge
    Gimp

    3 sizes

    Let me guess, comes in large, huge and enormous sizes

    1. kmac499

      Re: 3 sizes

      no that's large, huge and executive (aka the biggest swinging dicks)

    2. Havin_it
      Coat

      Re: 3 sizes

      No, you're misunderstanding, it's not the device that c... never mind.

      Besides I don't see what's wrong with the range defined in Good Morning Vietnam: "Large, Medium and Caucasian".

      (Yeah that's it, the one with just one pocket, undulating slightly. Ta)

  6. JDX Gold badge

    "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

    Ah, never miss an opportunity to make a passive-aggressive slight towards those who are under no compunction to let you use their service.

    He sounds like he should get laid.... oh wait.

    1. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

      On the plus side, it's one of those products where "it sucks" is actually a *positive* review..

    2. hj

      Re: "I deeply apologize to those who were offended by the sight of artificial human penises."

      I think that remark was not meant to them but for the sad people who watch a sales pitch for a masturbator and then complain it contains fake(!) nudity.

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Looks great. Honest

    However if its good enough it could cause all sorts of problems. Like guys not being 'in the mood' on demand! Well one can hope.

  8. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Extra funding

    Enabled them to develop a handle, but funders don't get it, suckers.

  9. Oops Notagain
    Happy

    Deeply skeptical

    I wouldn't touch it with a ten inch pole!

  10. David Roberts Silver badge
    Joke

    Personally I think this sucks.

  11. Bertie D'astard

    Hardwear that sucks!

    Do they have any stats on up times?

    It may be a good alternative to fingerprint technology for authentication, you know c(l)ock in c(l)ock out ;-)

  12. GreggS

    I'm blown away

    let's hope for all those self-gratifiers out there that despite the whole idea behind it, the product doesn't blow.

  13. Arachnoid

    What,,,,,,,,,

    No offers of consumer trials for field testing

  14. Ralph B

    Down with this sort of thing

    The human race will die out ... with a whimper, rather than a bang.

    1. Crazy Operations Guy

      Re: Down with this sort of thing

      Not the whole human race, just the wankers. Although we'd have to find a way to keep the government from collapsing due to lack of new politicians...

    2. ian 22
      Paris Hilton

      Re: Down with this sort of thing

      More ladies for the rest of us! More than you know want actual children.

      Yeah even unto Paris.

  15. jellypappa
    Pirate

    does it swallow?

    1. Scott Broukell

      Cum on . . .

      One swallow doesn't make an Ann Summers.

  16. Ian 55

    Just get a Fleshlight

    .. and either use your own (or indeed someone else's) hand to move it, or arrange it with some pillows and hump it.

  17. Moosh
    Angel

    There's already a machine quite similar to this for sale and which is used relatively widely. Ivy something? I can't exactly go looking for it because, er, i'm at work right now, but it definitely already exists.

    I know bcause of reasons.

    1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Ivy Biggun?

      Ivy Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts?

      Ivy-ever blowing bubbles...

      [that's enough of that! - Ed]

    2. Graham Marsden

      Prior art...

      Some years ago the Japanese produced a robotic motorised "hand" on a pole (snigger) that would move up and down in time to the actions of a young lady on a DVD that could be linked to it by USB...!

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Small, Medium, or Large?

    Um, I have no idea if I'm "small" "medium" or "large", I must not spend as much time looking at other penises (penii?) as some guys.

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