back to article SPB's mountaintop HQ menaced by wolves

It's with one eye on the distant sierra and a shotgun close to hand that I report today that attempts to expel wolves from the Spanish province of Ávila have failed. Despite vociferous and emotive exhortations, mostly from farmers, the Junta de Castilla y León has rejected a call to declare the province a "wolf-free zone", …

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  1. Bob Wheeler
    Pint

    An idea..

    ...why not move the wolves, to some where useful, like Westminster and/or Brussles?

    1. NorthernCoder
      Pint

      Re: An idea..

      Out of professional courtesy.

      Same reason why sharks don't attack lawyers.

    2. Zuagroasta

      Re: An idea..

      Animal cruelty. While wolves eat carrion from time to time, their digestive and immune systems are not adapted to that level of decay. Lammergyeren or king vultures would be required to cleanse said locales.

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: An idea..

      What have the wolves ever done to you for you to suggest that the should be subjected to such a heinous outcome?

    4. Roo
      Black Helicopters

      Re: An idea..

      "...why not move the wolves, to some where useful, like Westminster and/or Brussles?"

      <CONSPIRACY>

      The powers that be are culling the rural population using wolves because there are too many people chasing too few jobs...

      </CONSPIRACY>

  2. Anonymous Blowhard

    Identity Theft

    And in a village near me, a wolf took a shortcut to the house of a young girl's grandmother; and then it impersonated her!

    1. Chris G Silver badge

      Re: Identity Theft

      Were the shoes,hat,hanky that was all that was left of the GF red by any chance?

      Re sending Spanish wolves to Westminster, they would be eaten by some of the ones that are already there!

      Boot note: All the wolves here in Ibiza own bars or tourist shops.

      1. Anonymous Blowhard

        Re: Identity Theft

        I think only her hoody was red.

  3. Gordon 10 Silver badge
    Pint

    Well done Lester

    Have a pint for the sarkiest article of the week. All we need is the sledgehammer of sark that is the usual Dabbsie diatribe and my friday will be complete.

    1. Lester Haines (Written by Reg staff) Gold badge

      Re: Well done Lester

      I'm on it right now. Now, where did my girlfriend go...?

  4. Semtex451 Silver badge

    Eh Hello?

    This is surely an ideal opportunity for the famous SPB to dream up something useful for the local community. No?

    1. Semtex451 Silver badge

      Re: Eh Hello?

      Such as?

      Such as some form of AWACS system using Infrared, not necessarily from a low earth orbit, tut.

      Surely not beyond the SPB.

      1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

        Re: Eh Hello?

        AWACS - Airbourne Wolf Alarm Communication System?

        1. Semtex451 Silver badge

          Re: Eh Hello?

          Um...Precisely

          1. Semtex451 Silver badge

            Re: Eh Hello?

            Sod it, I just remembered the Spanish rules on remotely controlled flying vehicles.

            Maybe in a low earth orbit after all?

            1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge

              Re: Eh Hello?

              Sod it, I just remembered the Spanish rules on remotely controlled flying vehicles.

              Semtex451,

              There's no need to go to space to get round this. The Special Projects Bureau have access to plenty of hydrogen helium. They could obviously go for a high-altitude surveillance balloon.

              But they're nearly finished with their rocket plane anyway, so it's time for something different. I suggest a wolf-detecting airship. The bonus being that the Editor of this august journal is an airship buff, so there's bound to be plenty of funding on offer.

              Now it's just time to get the acronyms sorted out.

              1. Semtex451 Silver badge

                Re: Eh Hello?

                @ I ain't Spartacus - I was happy with AWACS and LASER has much merit, but a system so named suggests a need to be weaponised, which I suspect is off the table. Since you point out the clear suitability of an air-ship, I offer ABLIMP - Air Boyant Lupine IMaging Platform. I still prefer your interpretation of my AWACS and apologies to my fellow pedants for earlier repeating the word 'system' an error made in haste.

                1. Semtex451 Silver badge

                  Re: Eh Hello?

                  Rather Air- Bourne Lupine IMaging Platform- possibly too many beers, it's the shock..... the concept that Dabbsy could ever become ill, it's somewhat disorienting.

        2. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

          Re: AWACS - Airbourne Wolf Alarm Communication System

          and risk becoming The Bureau Who Cried Wolf?

    2. lurker

      Re: Eh Hello?

      LASER - Lupine Alert System - El Reg

    3. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: Eh Hello?

      This is surely an ideal opportunity for the famous SPB to dream up something useful for the local community. No?

      I'm assuming you didn't mean something along the lines of "designated 'divorce by wolf' routes" where the hapless (soon to be ex) partner is sprayed with wolf attracting chemicals as she pops out to the local shop?

      ... to get you another six pack... wearing that lovely red scarf you brought her today.

    4. Wzrd1

      Re: Eh Hello?

      Already done.

      "assuming weekend visitors don't let their wives/girlfriends venture out alone at night."

      Mothers in law are encouraged to venture out alone at night.

  5. hplasm Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    Good news for the Tourist industry!

    Seeing as wolves only attack people in fairy tales.

    1. Stretch

      Re: Good news for the Tourist industry!

      actually it seems quite possible that a hungry wolf pack would attack, say, an injured hiker on his own.

      But frankly we have about 4 billion more people on this planet than we require, so meh. let 'em die.

      1. Lionel Baden

        Re: Good news for the Tourist industry!

        @stretch

        Thats kinda cold but has a solid point

        1. Destroy All Monsters Silver badge

          Re: Good news for the Tourist industry!

          "If the Wolf is too fast for you, you are too slow!"

  6. Anonymous Coward
    Meh

    I live a sheltered life....

    I read the headline and thought that a veteran maker of mobile software was having trouble with the local wildlife.

    1. Oddb0d

      Re: I live a sheltered life....

      I thought the exact same thing as wolf attacks near SPB Software's development HQ are not new, as this story from 1911 attests.

  7. thesykes

    Soooo... if the missus got "accidentally" eaten, would the insurance pay out?

    1. Steven Raith

      That depends on whether the insurance company find out about the steaks you hid in her handbag.

      I mean, er, I'd imagine.

      *cough*

  8. Rich 11 Silver badge

    Away, wolves! No-one gets to eat my girlfriend except me.

  9. Snivelling Wretch

    Lord help us if the wolves get hold of frikkin' lasers.

    1. Paul Crawford Silver badge

      Mr. President, we must not allow a lupine directed energy weapon gap!

  10. Robert E A Harvey

    I'm with the wolves

    I'm with the wolves. Good luck lads

  11. Roo
    Windows

    Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

    Your neighbour should be careful what he wishes for... Farmers wanted foxes culling in our otherwise happy valley, but the toffs were not very good at it in our neck of the woods...

    The folks who used to "hunt" across our land (without asking for permission) didn't bother to stop their dogs worrying sheep+lambs, they destroyed stone walls, fences, gates (few hundred quid each time - no compensation). On occasion I was threatened with a whip + being trampled while I tried to remove the jaws of one of their piss-poorly-trained hounds from the neck of a Ewe trying to defend it's lambs. That particular Vixen (in it's entire lifetime) caused a tiny fraction of the damage and aggravation the toffs achieved in a less than an hour.

    Only chinless 'tards and their sycophant serfs could think that horses dogs and trespassing are the best way to go about culling foxes (IMO). I hope the Spanish are smarter than that w.r.t. Wolves. :)

    1. Shrimpling

      Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

      Its probably far too late to prosecute now but you have a claim under Dogs (Protection of Livestock) Act 1953 http://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/Eliz2/1-2/28

      For the purposes of this Act worrying livestock means—

      (a)attacking livestock, or

      (b)chasing livestock in such a way as may reasonably be expected to cause injury or suffering to the livestock or, in the case of females, abortion, or loss of or diminution in their produce.

      (c)being at large (that is to say not on a lead or otherwise under close control) in a field or enclosure in which there are sheep

      There is a clause that c doesn't apply to packs of hounds but sections a and b still apply to them.

      1. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

        Unfortunately, as soon as these claims get to the local court they tend to get thrown out, mainly because the local beaks tend to members of the local hunts.

      2. Anonymous Coward
        Anonymous Coward

        Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

        Thats a english thing I think, In france they hunt foxes and wolves with guns on foot and maybe dogs at worst. The hunters here all dress head to toe in green and fatigues, but then french gun laws require they all wear flourescent tabbards so they dont shoot each other, which they all do. That alone proves someone in gov has a sense of humour.

        The wolf has made a re-appearance in France too, they've lifted its protected status as its a pain, and anyone that disagree's with that, I suggest you have them imported to your town and have them polish off the local pet cat/dog population, never mind livestock. Here the sheep are fenced in well too and not left ferral.

        1. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
          Devil

          Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

          The wolf has made a re-appearance in France too, they've lifted its protected status as its a pain, and anyone that disagree's with that, I suggest you have them imported to your town and have them polish off the local pet cat/dog population,

          I'm sorry, is that supposed to be a bad thing...

        2. Roo

          Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

          "The wolf has made a re-appearance in France too, they've lifted its protected status as its a pain"

          Not against culling, it is necessary sometimes... French hunting technique seems more appropriate but it sounds like a similar breed of dipstick takes part. ;)

        3. It wasnt me

          Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

          They polish off cats you say? Do I need an import license?

      3. Roo
        Windows

        Re: Wolves may be preferable to the hunt...

        Thanks for the thought Shrimpling, but in this particular case the Ewe and her lambs were traumatised but basically OK (no puncture wounds - I got in there very quickly before the dog had got a proper hold) - and I think it's fair to say it was a pack - even though it was just one dog making contact.

        As for trespass, property damage & assault, that's my word vs a large bunch of noxious & influential toffs + serfs, not much chance of the part-time plod taking action.

        I do wonder if the down-voter is disagreeing with my assertion regarding hunting technique or is simply trying to stick up for a very badly run hunt.

      4. DiViDeD Silver badge

        Re: Dogs (Protection of Livestock) Act 1953

        In a (possibly apocryphal, but I'd like to believe otherwise) story from the Vale of Glamorgan a couple of decades back, one of the local sheep farmers found a good use for such protections when they started large scale housing development in the Vale back in the 80s.

        Mostly, the residents of the new houses were townies, kids away at school and both parents working in the city, with the dogs left to roam the countryside all day.

        Whenever a worried couple would turn up at the farm explaining how they hadn't seen little Bozo for nearly a week, and was it possible he'd somehow got himself trapped in one of the outbuildings, he'd march them over to his barn, swing open the door and ask them if they recognised any of the canine carcasses he had nailed up against the inside wall.

        Apparently, it eventually helped to keep the sheep worrying problems down, although whether because of dog owner education or rapid dog attrition is not clear

  12. malle-herbert Silver badge
    Coat

    BLAIDD DRWG...

    Bad wolf...

  13. The last doughnut
    Stop

    Farming vs local mammal species

    We have the same problem here but in our case its dairy farmers trying to exterminate badgers.

    Save the badger.

    1. Ugotta B. Kiddingme

      Re: Save the badger

      Mushroom Mushroom!

    2. I ain't Spartacus Gold badge
      Happy

      Re: Farming vs local mammal species

      Hey kids! Do you want to go to Disney World?

      No! Disney World is mingin'!

      ...

      There's millions of badgers, all under one roof!

      It's called Badger Land, Badger Land, Badger Land!

  14. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Badgers!

    My dog may not be able to say "sausages" like them fancy dogs on Esther rantzens TV show That's Life. But he can hold his own with a badger!

  15. Anonymous Coward
    Mushroom

    wolves?

    hunt them to extinction.

  16. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    This is a non-problem for the SPB

    Think of all the potential LOHAN-related headlines we could be treated to!:

    LOHAN succumbs to local wolf!

    Wolves attracted to LOHAN!

    Spanish wolves enticed by LOHAN's hot piece!

    The possibilities are endless.

    (By the way, reintroducing the wolf into Yellowstone National Park has been a huge ecological success. Elk and deer are no longer overpopulating and denuding grasslands, brush and saplings within the park. But yes, there have been some attacks on livestock outside the park.)

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