back to article Show more CANADIAN-MADE PORN, insists Canadian government

Canada's official broadcasting regulator has demanded that adult TV channels show more domestically-produced porn, saying that a flood of foreign smut is dominating their output. It seems that Canadian regulations require that 35 per cent of programming on any TV channel must be produced beneath the maple-leaf banner, and …

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  1. Ben Rosenthal

    C'mon Canada, show us your talents!

    I flippin' love Canadians.

  2. Ketlan
    Devil

    Weird smut, please.

    South Park to the rescue!

  3. wolfetone Silver badge

    Re: Weird smut, please.

    Finally we'll get to see the real Queef sisters in action!

  4. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Aaaah yes... can't wait for "Hot beavers 5", " Maple Syrup Squirts 3" , "Excuse me you dropped your gotchies"; "Young cariboos in heat" and of course for real smut hardcore fans "Rob Ford - A life slurry"

    All available online or at your local depanneur.

  5. glen waverley

    double entendres*

    Trying to do something with double double,but can.t seem to get it in hand. As per ordering a coffee.

    *did you see what I did there?**

    ** ie, pandering to french requirements. Boom boom

  6. Mike Moyle Silver badge

    Actually, Canada produces a LOT of "special-interest" smut:

    For those into interracial lesbians there's the "Mabel and Brown Sugar" series.

    For those who prefer gay males there's "Man-to-Manitoba".

    For those into sex during a woman's period there's "Maple Leaf Rag".

    For those of a conservative bent (*ahem*) there's the "Northwest Tarry-Tories"

    ...And, of courses, they classic "Poutine Poontang" series.

  7. Darryl

    As a Canadian, I have to ask...

    WTF is a gotchie?

  8. Les Matthew

    Re: As a Canadian, I have to ask...

    According to google, gotchies are underwear.

  9. Euripides Pants Silver badge
    Coat

    Re: "Hot beavers 5", " Maple Syrup Squirts 3" ...

    Gives new meaning to "back bacon".....

  10. Captain DaFt

    One more for the list

    "The Life of Loonie Lay, Canada's cheapest hooker"

  11. John Smith 19 Gold badge

    "Con Can" anyone?

    Title says it all.

  12. wolfetone Silver badge

    What about...

    Ice Road Hookers?

  13. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    Re: What about...

    Well, someone has to keep the truckers company...

  14. codejunky Silver badge

    Closed captions?

    Dont people watch it for the pictures not the dialogue

  15. WonkoTheSane
    Headmaster

    Re: Closed captions?

    I suspect the subtitles are intended to fill Quebecóis language requirements.

  16. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge
    Coat

    Re: Closed captions?

    Quebecóis language requirements.

    You mean there's a French Letter quota?

  17. Alister Silver badge

    Re: Closed captions?

    I suspect the subtitles are intended to fill Quebecóis language requirements

    So... what's the french for

    OoooooooooooooooHHH YEEEEEEEEEESSSS YES YES OHMIGOD

    ??

    (and in case anyone thinks that's a serious question, I offer)

    AaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaHHH OUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUIH OUI OUI OH MON DIEU

  18. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Closed captions?

    perhaps it might be more appropriate for this sort of channel to cater for people with impaired vision and have a requirement for an audio description version of the channel

  19. TitterYeNot

    Re: Closed captions?

    Captions, necessary? Really?

    <RIIIIING>

    - Allo?

    - Allo madmoiselle, ah av come to fix ze washing machine.

    - Mon dieu, votre wrench c'est tres grande! Ooh la la, ma blouse as fallen off...

    Etc...

  20. Francis Boyle Silver badge

    The Quebecóis captions

    Are just the same loop of ooohs and aaarhs but with more accents. (And also the occasional mention of 'gros seins' but I wouldn't know about that.)

  21. Marketing Hack Silver badge
    Go

    Re: Closed captions?

    And does a French maid count at all towards meeting this quota??

  22. Frumious Bandersnatch Silver badge

    Re: Closed captions?

    - Allo madmoiselle, ah av come to fix ze washing machine

    Unfortunately, I can't watch those Calgon ads on TV without thinking about tacky porn films. In my mind the dialogue (translated from German, I guess) would go something like "there's your problem right there! I'm going to have to whip it out ..." (and so on)

  23. Jamie Jones Silver badge
    Mushroom

    Re: Closed captions?

    At least they don't require sign language...... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EdUfa_WddZc (40 seconds in........) [ NSFW etc. ]

  24. OzBob

    Cue cross-dressing lumberjacks

    with their own smut channel (who said it necessarily needed to be straight porn? or even good porn?)

  25. This post has been deleted by its author

  26. Kane Silver badge
    Happy

    Re: Cue cross-dressing lumberjacks

    Dear Sir,

    I wish to complain on the strongest possible terms about the previous entry in this file about the lumberjack who wears womens' clothes. Some of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a FEW of them are transvestites.

    Yours faithfully,

    Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.

    P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the radio times.

  27. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    You got me ..

    .. at subtitles. Honestly, has any such movie ever had any focus on prose? :p

  28. deadlockvictim Silver badge

    Canadian Orgies

    Does anyone know to whom is attributed the saying that there aren't more orgies in Canada because it would take too long to write the thank-you notes afterwards?

  29. DanceMan

    Re: Canadian Orgies

    No, they don't happen because we can't decide if they're a federal or provincial responsibility.

  30. Crisp Silver badge

    Good for the CRTC!

    It's about time they took a stand for Canadian Strange!

  31. McHack

    "Canadian Mounted"

    Wow, that bloke's hung like a... Oh, that is his horse.

  32. oolor

    Re: "Canadian Mounted"

    >Oh, that is his horse

    Moose. And we ride bareback.

  33. thomas k.

    Take it off, eh?

    Gives new meaning to 'hosers'.

  34. alain williams Silver badge

    Radio as well ?

    Maybe they ought to schedule a reading of ''Eskimo Nell''

  35. M7S
    Coat

    Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...

    At least they've got the fauna for that kind of thing.

    (Look, I didn't start the Python references, OK?....)

  36. Miss Config
    Paris Hilton

    Uniform Mounties ?

    Is it just an urban myth that the Canadian govenment once used trademark protection laws and so on

    to stop anybody, and especially porn stars, wearing Mountie uniforms without government

    permission ?

  37. Simon Harris Silver badge

    "Beneath the Maple Leaf Banner"

    Is that what Canadians use instead of fig leaves?

  38. Mark 85 Silver badge
    Coffee/keyboard

    Monday Morning

    And already I need a new keyboard. Thumbs up to El Reg and the fearless commentards with their pithy insights. And no, I didn't lisp there.

  39. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: Monday Morning

    "And no, I didn't lisp there."

    And a good thing, too - it's a small step from there to Forth.

  40. This post has been deleted by its author

  41. Marketing Hack Silver badge

    Imagining Canadian porn...

    Oh, you caught me just out of the shower! Well, my husband's not home, let's get to it, eh??

  42. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    What's canadian porn?

    Suggested titles:

    "Even bigger than a polar bears fuckstick"

    "Never met a caribou who don't want me"

    "I'm a lumberjack, and I'm ok, I f... all day and I ....."

    Enough naughty fantasy for today!

  43. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Re: What's canadian porn?

    Technically, we don't know whether a polar bear's fuckstick is terribly impressive. Sometimes it's just not all that, even when you think, hey, big, tough animal - and then it's like, "pwing", and, omg wut lol!

    Then, sometimes, it's even more impressive than it ought to be; you think, "Yeah, I know what to expect - this is an elephant, he's gonna have a OH MY GOD IT'S PREHENSILE".

  44. Arachnoid

    So.........

    More mounted Mounties for Canada I wonder if they`ll make it an Olympic game

  45. Geezheeztall

    Unfortunately for Canadians, we'll be stuck with Brent Butt acting out scenes.

  46. JaitcH Silver badge
    Thumb Up

    We Canadians have a Constitution; we don't ban much unlike Blighty

    Thanks to the late Pierre Trudeau, Canada has a Constitution that keeps governments in line. Really.

    But this little fracarse is all about Canadian content.

    It's not onerous: Broadcasting Act of Canada, that radio and television broadcasters (including cable and satellite specialty channels) must air a certain percentage of content that was at least partly written, produced, presented, or otherwise contributed to by persons from Canada. It also refers to that content itself, and, more generally, to cultural and creative content that is Canadian in nature.

    Even if the dollies are from another country, the CanCon can be met by the written, produced, presented part of the rules.

    The important word is MAPL. Canadian content in a musical selection must generally fulfill at least two of the following conditions:

    M (music) - the music is composed entirely by a Canadian.

    A (artist) - the music is, or the lyrics are, performed principally by a Canadian.

    P (performance) - the musical selection consists of a performance that is: recorded wholly in Canada, or performed wholly in Canada and broadcast live in Canada.

    L (lyrics) - the lyrics are written entirely by a Canadian.

    There is even a MAPL, a clever play on Maple (tree), logo which will be seen on all records and videos which shows how CanCon rules are met.

    Australia, Philippines, Mexico, Nigeria, Israel, South Africa, Jamaica, Venezuela, and New Zealand, Republic of Ireland and France also have quotas.

    So bring on the girls from the Miramichi, or the wild women from The Rock (Newfoundland).

  47. Martijn Otto

    It's not cheating

    If it's government-mandated. Just make sure to have a camera around and you're good to go.

  48. simon gardener

    I've a Canadian friend who might do well out of this

    I've a Canadian friend who might do well out of this. His parents, Mr and Mrs Harder, named him Randy. It wasn't until he started meeting Brits that he knew they had given him a porn name. Apparently randy doesn't have the same meaning over that side of the pond .

  49. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Too damn cold

    There's a reason why this stuff is filmed in sunny california mainly. Or are they gonna make them fully clothed in lumpy layers upon layers of goretex and down?

  50. Old Handle

    Re: Too damn cold

    Surely most porn is filmed indoors anyway. I wonder if Canada requires condoms in porn. If not, this might be a good opportunity for displaced L.A. porn stars.

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