Online toilet paper lovers?
You live and learn.
The British bog roll brand Andrex has been forced to deny rumours that it is planning to kill off the iconic Labrador puppy mascot. Toilet paper lovers on its mailing list reacted furiously after receiving an email which appeared to suggest the puppy was going to be flushed from promotional material. They took to Andrex's …
You're about to wipe fæces on it and flush it down the crapper, anyway. Who cares if it has quilted images of angels or is twenty different colours, or lights up and plays a song.
You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though. I remember at primary school, probably the worst bog roll in the world - felt exactly like that - greaseproof paper, tracing paper - hard and crinkly, 0% absorbency, massively arse pain inducing. Terrible to use and terrible at its job. Probably usable as some kind of mental and physical torture on an enemy.
Edit: think I've found it. Izal, perhaps.
When I first came to the UK in the 1970s was confronted with Izal in B&Bs and on trains and I instantly understood so much about English culture right then and there. The country that would devise and promulgate this stuff (often with little messages on each non-absorbent square to not please what your hands -- you betcha) is the natural home for stoic discomfort-lovers who could take on an empire, because they didn't mind dying like flies to do so, but also home for a 'any sub-standard dreck is good enough for you lot' mentality, which we see all around us today (BT, Southern Trains, TalkTalk, I'm talking about you).
>You're dead on with the tracing paper thing, though.
The secret is to crumple it up a bit before use. Not too much, or then your finger *will* go through!
We had some stuff at school called "Bronco". I think this was the value version of Izal. I later found out that bronco is Spanish for rough...
but bottled water *IS* tap-water.
Only in the USA. In most, if not all, European countries bottled water is almost always spring water. There are a few companies selling the Dasani/Deja Blue type of purified tap water in bottles, but it is very much the exception.
Coke didn't realise that when they introduced Dasani in the UK a few years back. Not only were they ridiculed in the press for selling tap water at 3000x the price Thames Water charged for the same stuff, but a batch was found to contain higher-than-permitted levels of a carcinogen, leading one tabloid to run the headline "Coke withdraws cancer water"
A FaecesBook puppy-fancier commented "I've not used it before but the thought of wiping up with paper covered in butter is a bit off-putting, yet intriguing."
The recollection of stories and rumours from my youth about "butter dogs" (I don't recommend Googling it) popped up on reading that...
How do you do it, el Reg? I read it, and enjoyed shaking my head at various points.
And yet...... this 'story' ..... if it merits the term, is concocted around a thing that a few strange people thought was going to happen, but it wasn't. To most of us, it wasn't even a very important thing, and one of the head shakes came as a result of learning the thoughts of some to whom it was apparently very important. Or would have been, if it had been going to happen.
The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation. To demand my pound of puppy flesh would be very, very wrong. Yet, surely there has to be some correspondence between the headline and the facts of the case?
And another thing. Am I alone in suspecting the whole thing is a marketing ploy? Designed to get the playgrounds of England abuzz , like it was when we all had to work so hard to save Tony the Tiger. Or was it the tiger in our tanks? I can't bloody remember.
So some arsehole runs software which harvests all the mentions of puppies and toilet paper on the interweb post 'story', converts that into an advertising value, generates a report which goes to an executive, who smiles.
Our only weapon is to make sure we wipe our arses on something else, and I resent having to take time to think about that.
"Not only was it not a story, it had nothing whatever to do with IT except that most IT people take dumps. If that's the criterion for a story now, the Reg has lost its way a bit."
Lost its way? Certainly. Back in the day you'd have had the Moderatrix explaining the meaning of the word "Bootnotes" with a verbal clue-by-four and the rest of us laughing and ducking for cover.
"The headline promised dead puppies. Or at least one, threatened, or bumped off by a heartless corporation."
What we need is for someone to do the decent thing...
...and make a spoof Andrex advert, in which said Puppy is bounding around, and follows an unraveled loo-roll back to its source. That source, of course, is the roll on the wall next to the loo.
The puppy jumps up onto the seat to get at the roll but, being a cute ickle puppy-wuppy who can't actually see over the rim, doesn't realise there's a big hole there designed for human arses to hang above, and it falls into the loo, where it then drowns.
If the flush can be pulled while the puppy drowns, without it being utterly implausible, bonus points are available.
Note: No cute ickle puppy-wuppies must be harmed in the making of this spoof advert.
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