back to article ... time machine. Iranian Dr Who claims he invented a ...

Not content with letting North Korea get all the “we're sooooo bad” headlines this week, fellow rogue nation Iran has let it be known one of its resident boffins has invented a time machine. And then deleted the story in state-run media that brought the world news of the gadget. The “time machine” in question wasn't of the “ …

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  1. Rombizio
    Joke

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

    Oh boy.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    ......

    1. James Micallef Silver badge
      Happy

      Re: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

      Does Iran have a different date for April Fool's Day?

    2. Anonymous Coward
      Anonymous Coward

      Re: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAA

      I *knew* you'd say that. Whe I win the lottery tonight, you'll see who is laughing.

  2. Esskay
    Facepalm

    Surely at some point

    The person writing must have sat back, looked at the story and thought "maybe I need to tone it down *just* a little"...

  3. Katie Saucey
    Coffee/keyboard

    Wow

    Seems legit. I wonder how many people will go for the "well since I've shown you the future, we've changed the future! therefor I wasn't wrong with my stock predictions...etc" explanation, or if his device told him that within 6 months there's a 98% chance he'll be finally meeting Allah.

  4. This post has been deleted by a moderator

    1. Osmosis Jones
      FAIL

      Re: If they had a time machine...

      that's a bit much...

      also, note:

      1. The time machine only looks forward and so would be useless for your suggestion.

      2. You don't need a time machine to look back, especially given Islam was one of the most well documented historical religious movements.

      3. Your aspersion is incorrect. Islam may produce a moral framework that is antithetical to your worldview but it does produce a stunningly sophisticated framework - very far from a "crock of shit"

      4. It is considered a social faux pas to vent one's seething hatred when discussing a light hearted matter.

      1. Thorne

        Re: If they had a time machine...

        "Your aspersion is incorrect. Islam may produce a moral framework that is antithetical to your worldview but it does produce a stunningly sophisticated framework - very far from a "crock of shit""

        No all religions are a crock of shit. It's there to make the rich feel better about screwing the poor and the poor feel better about getting screwed meanwhile the religion itself makes a fortune selling forgiveness...

        1. Neoc

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          ..So you consider it (dare I say it) an Opiate for the Masses?

          1. Simon Harris Silver badge

            Re: If they had a time machine...

            @Neoc

            I shall be setting up a church devoted to the Afghan poppy fields...

            ... Its services will be 'Masses for the opiate'

            1. JDX Gold badge

              Re: If they had a time machine...

              It's nice you can tell what their time-machine would show them without having a time-machine yourself, or an advanced academic background in history.

            2. Neoc
              Thumb Up

              Re: If they had a time machine...

              Ooohhhh... nicely played, sir. Have an upvote!

        2. DragonLord

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          I was under the impression that a Religion was usually setup in a time when most people didn't have the education to understand the world and the whys and wherefores for a lot of the restrictions that educated smart people tried to foist on them. Thus the educated smart people attributed their arguments to the local god, surrounded them it a bit of ritual, and became very powerful off of the back of it, because it worked, and it worked well.

          So hardly a crock of shit. Much less relevant today? Maybe.

          1. oldcoder

            no, thats called shamanism.

            But it works quite well - lasted well over 50,000 years...

        3. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          Ahem...

          The article helpfully informs us in best DailyFail speak that Iran is a "rogue nation". If one examines those countries that have been "rogue nations" in the past, then one notes that one thing they have in common (apart from a Greek chorus in the western media slandering them at every opportunity) is that they (often in accordance with Islam) forbid compound interest on money.

          The role of compound interest as a cause of poverty in the West is heavily documented.

          But who am I, a mere AC, to question the function of finger-pointing hate propaganda? It is as endemic to British media as the vigorous defence of Imaginary Property.

          It's just how our fellow citizens in the Fourth Estate get to help their fellow man...

          PS: One especially admires the repeated use of the phrase "state-run media" to hammer home just what rogues the Iranians are.

          1. Avatar of They Silver badge
            FAIL

            Re: If they had a time machine...

            Eh? Rogue state because they don't tow the line with the UN and general world consensus, usually related to hte UN's need to ensure anything nuclear is for peaveful purposes. Which require investigations that are not hindered.. The fact 'Iran' and 'Iraq' are Muslim nations, have very wierd views of the world and hate the yanks is a conicidence.

            Its got chuff-all to do with compound interest. And the NORK have nothing to do with Islam. But please in your obvious "Pro islamic" agenda / view how can North Korea be slanted as an islamic state?

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              @Avatar of They, Re: If they had a time machine...

              "general world consensus" = "what all right-thinking people believe." If they don't believe it, clearly they are not One Of Us. How dare they?

              The whole Iranian nuclear threat thing is a lie. Do some proper research wrt Iran's compliance.

              I didn't mention North Korea, and I said "often" which is not synonymous with "always". As for your mentioning it, see my comment on "general world consensus". But one nation I will add is Libya, who had no compound interest until recently. Apparently the first thing that happened once the 'rebels' had won was the opening of a new central bank...

              As for "pro-Islamic", actually I'm pro-human. But don't sweat it. You've got lots of people on your side, and that's what counts, yes? Critical mass of opinion conveniently removes the requirement to think for yourself.

            2. cortland
              Headmaster

              Re: If they had a time machine...

              TOE

              Towing a line gets you no pull.

          2. Stevie Silver badge

            Re: If they had a time machine...

            So it's *compound interest* that makes Iran a rogue state? Not that whole alternating between "There was no Holocaust" and "There WAS a Holocaust, but the Jews were complicit in it" thing?

            Right. Got it.

            Ooh, and of course if one "follows the money" (which in this case involves actually following the money) one ends up at Jewish usury in the middle ages as the cause of the banking system. I see where you are going with this.

            1. Anonymous Coward
              Anonymous Coward

              Re: If they had a time machine...

              That's a hell of a logical leap there Stevie - Straight from central banks to an implied accusation of antisemitism? That's a seriously poor way of closing down an argument.

              The people who control the banks don't care about Judaism or any other religion, other than the fact that religions are a handy way to control people and have them fight amongst themselves.

              The few remaining countries on the planet that don't have a central bank in the BIS club just happen to be a 1-1 match with the list of "rogue states", including Iran, Syria and North Korea. Libya didn't have a central bank in the big club until very soon after the invasion.

              Of course there's always more than one reason for war (and the sanctions and propaganda that lead up to it), but control over the central bank is a big one, as well as control of resources and strategic territory.

          3. ThomH Silver badge

            Re: If they had a time machine...

            Here's what else all the rogue nations have in common: they know that man didn't really land on the moon, that Jackie shot JFK, that the Titanic was an insurance scam, that Prince Philip crashed Diana's car, that September the 11th was designed to give the US more oil, that Tesla shot Archduke Ferdinand, that Hitler invented the CAT scanner, that Castro really had over seventeen legs and that Roswell caused the middle ages.

        4. This post has been deleted by a moderator

          1. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

            Re: Eadon

            To generalise that, they discourage curiosity and critical thought, and encourage ignorance and unthinking subservience to authority.

        5. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          Islam may produce a moral framework that is antithetical to your worldview but it does produce a stunningly sophisticated framework - very far from a "crock of shit"

          No all religions are a crock of shit.

          Perhaps - I try to avoid investment in non-testable hypotheses myself. But you have a defective enthymeme there: Your argument is only valid if the sophistication of a moral framework is predicated on the shittiness of the intellectual foundation endorsing that framework. No doubt it's possible to argue that such is the case (paging Sam Harris...), but it's not prima facie. Indeed, depending on the metric for "sophistication", it's probably much easier to argue to the contrary - regardless of what one thinks of the quality or validity of said framework.

          This is, unfortunately, a kind of sloppy, non-critical thinking which is perhaps just as bad in its own way as a reliance on recourse to supernatural explanation: religion is bad, so any intellectual product connected to religion is bad. But in fact what the history of ideas teaches us is that good ideas (for some value of "good") arise in conjunction with bad ideas; there is no process, in general, for disarticulating the two in the process of their generation. What we do have, now, are epistemological protocols that let us filter out certain categories of bad ideas, in effect improving the signal-to-noise ratio. The most notable of these, of course, are scientific methodologies such as formal consistency, blind experimentation, and the reproducibility requirement.

      2. Phil O'Sophical Silver badge

        Re: If they had a time machine...

        > especially given Islam was one of the most well documented historical religious movements.

        Islam, like Judaism and Christianity, is a faith, and I personally have no problem with faith, even when I don't share it.

        Unfortunately most faiths get surrounded by religion which, as the original poster eloquently noted, is universally a crock of shit, usually created by opportunists to obtain personal power and profit.

      3. Nazar
        Pint

        Re: If they had a time machine...

        >especially given Islam was one of the most well documented historical religious movements.

        I have to disagree as many sources suggest that Mohammed and the first couple Khalifs and even Mecca were all fictitious as accounts of these historic figures and places are very uncommon outside of Islamic oral traditions. Traditions, I might add, that many Islamic scholars disagree over.

        An example is that the first non-Islamic historic reference to Mohammed is found on a Jerusalem coin, minted in ~ 720CE, almost 90 years after Mohammed died in 632CE.

        Consider that Jerusalem was held by the Byzantine Empire (ex Romans + Greeks) before capture by Arabs (or Islamic forces led by the first Khalifa as the oral tradition tells it) in 637CE, there are very little accounts from Greek/Roman/Byzantine bloggers of organised Islamic traditions at the time (i.e. there are no recorded accounts visible Islamic traditions like communal Friday prayers etc).

        Okay, so they didn't blog back then but historical bureaucratic documents were produced by Jerusalem's governors, tax collectors, Greek merchants and scribes... none of which attribute Islamic behaviours to the conquering Arabs.

        Pint, as I am a Real Ale enjoying apostate.

        1. tonysmith

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          @nazar

          Erm, not sure what your ale has been spiked with but Mohammad, the first few caliphas AND mecca (a well know trade and cultural centre point even before Islam) are all fictitious? And I thought the story of the Iranian claiming to have built a time machine was far fetched. Though the fact that you got 7 up votes seems a little worrying.

          But I guess in your world cities like Basra, Koofa and others build during the second Calipha. Important battles such as the battle of Yarmouk (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Yarmouk) are all either fictious or the works of a band of desert arabs with no central leadership who just decided on a structure conquest of land around their own patch?

          Then a bit down the line they decided to append a religion to what they did - you know, just to explain themselves?

          Nuts.

          @Phil O'Sophical

          "Unfortunately most faiths get surrounded by religion which, as the original poster eloquently noted, is universally a crock of shit, usually created by opportunists to obtain personal power and profit."

          From my understand neither Mohammad nor his family ended up very rich or powerful. Mohammad died with very little food left for his family and what wealth he had went to the state treaurary because under Islamic law (and this may be true for other Abrahamic religions) Prophets do not leave inheritance.

          He also didn't appoint any of his family to lead after him and the leadership went to different families after him...so not much power or profit there.

        2. Michael Wojcik Silver badge

          Re: If they had a time machine...

          An example is that the first non-Islamic historic reference to Mohammed is found on a Jerusalem coin, minted in ~ 720CE, almost 90 years after Mohammed died in 632CE.

          That's not correct. There are 7th-century non-Islamic references to Mohammed, such as the note in BL Add. 14,461. See the Wikipedia page Historicity of Muhammad for more information and pertinent links.

          Of course that's hardly conclusive, but the evidence is substantially better than what you suggest. Whether it's "one of the most well documented historical religious movements", as the OP claimed, is still debatable.

    2. Winkypop Silver badge
      Alert

      Re: If they had a time machine...

      Rather then be rude and single out one particular group, I'd be less specific:

      They could look back and see that religion was a made up crock of shit....

    3. Sorry that handle is already taken. Silver badge

      Re: If they had a time machine...

      At which point they'd surely have destroyed the machine.

      Slight correction though:

      "They could look back and see that religion was a made up crock of shit...."

      1. wowfood

        Re: If they had a time machine...

        Or they would look back, their gaze would fall on god and their faces would implode.

    4. Dave 126 Silver badge

      Re: If they had a time machine...

      >They could look back and see that their religion was a made up crock...

      What have you got against Zoroastrianism?

  5. Steven Roper

    Muad'Dib has arrived!

    As the great Frank Herbert pointed out, the ability to see the future collapses the future to the observed state, so it seems that Iran finally has their Kwisatz Haderach.

    Next up, Muad'Dib's Jihad establishes the One True Faith over the entire world, locking in the future he and his Iranian compatriots have forseen, until his son Leto II arrives to free us all with his Golden Path.

    And even far Gangishree isnt far enough... anyone want to join the Scattering with me?

    1. DrTechnical

      Re: Muad'Dib has arrived!

      Excellent Post!

    2. cortland

      Re: Muad'Dib has arrived!

      <p>

      But he has (ick) ~worms~!</p>

  6. Robert E A Harvey

    Skegness got there first!

    Havn't we seen this before? Sounds like Zoltar!

    http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f185/quadrophan/zoltar.jpg

    1. ThomH Silver badge

      Re: Skegness got there first!

      Iran wishes it were big?

  7. Anonymous Coward
    Anonymous Coward

    Interesting

    They must think the recent test of downing drones with a laser was science fiction so they had to make up their own cool story. Anyone in the war market knows that laser and its follow-on products are going to change warfare forever. It took to the count of 3 for the surface of the drone to get hot enough to start burning even with air rushing across the surface. I don't know how you say Holy Shit in Persian, but every Iranian general uttered it when they saw those videos. Beams of light instead of bullets to the mid evil mind is the far-fetched equivalent of a time machine. So, I guess we're even now. Ohp, except one is real and I'll leave it up to the readers to decide which one.

    1. P. Lee Silver badge
      Boffin

      Re: Interesting

      LASERs: all fun and games until someone makes their drone shiny.

      1. Steve Brooks

        Re: Interesting

        As pointed out by a famous science ficiton writer, if you have a green laser painting something green wil result in less absorption of energy. Now what colour where the US lasers? Ah yes infared, when you come up with infrared paint let Iran know will you?

        1. Anonymous Coward
          Anonymous Coward

          Re: Interesting

          Not a problem. Lots of things are reflective in the IR range. Just because you want to reflect IR, doesn't mean you need to be non-reflective to other wavelengths. There's a device called a hot mirror in every digital camera that reflects IR light. Also, astronomers have been using mirrors to reflect all kinds of wavelengths for ages. So, reflecting IR isn't a problem.

          What may be a problem for the Laser weapons people is the retroreflector. I'd love to see a weapons grade laser fired at a retroreflector.

          1. Graham Dawson

            Re: Interesting

            No reflective surface is 100% efficient. All it'll do is slow down the effect. Maybe sufficiently to prevent damage, maybe not, but I'd be tempted to say maybe not given that a laser can have its wattage upped with relative ease.

      2. Hein-Pieter van Braam
        Pirate

        Re: Interesting

        On the other hand: Your drones will be very shiny, I think that is a problem, no matter what wavelength they are shiny in. Haven't we just spent the last 60 years or so trying to make our flying military gear NOT shiny to microwaves? :)

      3. DrTechnical

        Re: Interesting

        It better be really really really shiny, a la Larry Niven's Stasis Generator field, or it will be vapor after a very little while...

        1. NomNomNom

          Re: Interesting

          Lasers will be far more expensive than the drones. Send in 100 drones. Lasers are going to have trouble shooting down an entire swarm, especially low flying swarms.

  8. southpacificpom

    Apple will no doubt be suing the Iranian doctor as "Time Machine" is a trademark of theirs.

    1. NomNomNom

      Apple are already suing Iran for infringing the trademark of Apple's new running machine

  9. Yet Another Anonymous coward Silver badge

    If you know any really gullable governments

    I have a machine that detects secret messages to terrorists hidden in Al Jazeera broadcasts. It could be modified to detect secret messages to US agents hidden in Fox news

  10. Two Posts
    Terminator

    A FanEloi writes...

    I have a time machine that works as well as this Iranian device, it is much smaller, spherical and made of quartz.

    I will admit this device is a little expensive to run as the touch interface is powered by silver and for some reason only I am able to see the results.

    Perhaps El Reg could set up a psychic projects bureau and have a regular column of future predictions from this device, it has to be worth it if only to generate click bait articles on future Apple products.

    (Terminator for the time travel reference)

  11. Dazed and Confused Silver badge

    Re: pledging to set up its own Arabic,..

    Sounds suspicious, in my experience call an Iranian Arabic results in a reaction that make calling the Librarian a monkey look mild in comparison.

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